About DBro's wedding and 'no children' rule ?

[TippleMacFreddy]

It is very possible that I am being unreasonable. But.....

My eldest brother is getting married, big lavish do, the whole shebang.

His fiancée is alright and I am close to my brother.

The weekend of the wedding me and DH will have a 10 day old DC1. ( I have to have a C-sec)
The wedding is near DBro fiancée's home town which is about 6 hours from where we live.
If it was anyone else we would have made our apologies.
But I am close to my brother and he asked if I would do a reading at ceremony. So we had decided to go.

They had decided that there would be no children invited to the wedding (at night, very big but a very 'grown up')
Me and DBro have had many a long chats about the wedding and such. And I always assumed that the 'no kids' rule didn't include our DC (esp. as me and DBro have talked about how if it wasn't him we wouldn't go)

Anyway we were talking today and it transpired that DC will count in this rule.

I got back to them later saying that unfortunately that means we can't go and explained why.

My DBro is upset.

Tonight I have received an email from his fiancée and 2 texts saying - that I could leave DC behind, that they will be fine, that I should 'put the effort in' as it is their wedding, and he is my brother, that I should be there.

AIBU to think that if they want me there that badly then they will have to accept that DC will be there as well?
And also
AIBU to think that those messages are just plain childish?

Oh gosh, don't go. Don't go! Not even if they turn around and say DC welcome. I really really really don't think you'll feel like going! The trip will take 3 x as long, you will stop continually and feed continually, you will feel SHOCKING, it would be horrendous. 10 days after my c-section I was sobbing 24 hours a day and my son was attached to me 24 hours a day and he absolutely HATED his car seat and the pram.

Nip it in the bud right now and say no, you can't come, but if they can set up a laptop you'd love to see the ceremony via skype (one way clearly, unless you want them to see you in your PJs!).

I would use the midwife excuse- just say you can't go. End of.

Save this thread for their firstborn though ;)

ditziness, I wouldn't describe it as negativity! I'd say I had a good birth experience overall. People look at me like I'm crazy when I say that (40 hrs, malpresentation, EMCS, haemorrhage!) but I look back and think yes, it was exhilarating and scary at times but meeting DD was wonderful and I recovered well and was HAPPY afterwards. In pain, tired, weak, mind blown, but HAPPY!

But the REALITY was that alongside being happy and in my baby bubble, I was also recovering from surgery and wasn't a well bunny at all for a few weeks, not really. And what 'wellness' I had needed to be devoted to my baby, especially to get breastfeeding going. So I was sensible and rested and was selfish with my time - I'm not coming to you, you can come to us!

I really believe that being that sensible, resting as much as possible, and concentrating on the baby helped me recover as well as I did and to have no physical or emotional difficulties afterwards.

So I'd recommend the same approach to anyone about to have the same (wonderful!) experience, as the recipe for a good start to mothering!

I haven't ever suggested that she should go! I was only suggesting that she might not feel as bad as some have said they did, incase the poor girl comes back terrified about her post natal future! I still agree that if she's BF she won't be able to leave her baby and that she might not want to leave him/her under any circumstances . And that the whole thing is totally unpredictable anyway!

Haven't read all the comments so apologies if I repeat. We had a child- free wedding (20 min ceremony and they were welcome to the reception but I didn't want any screaming kids/babies ruining my vows) so I can understand where your brother and his fiance are coming from.

However I think it's very unreasonable of them to expect you to leave your 10 day old baby whether you've had a CS and are breastfeeding or not. I had a baby just under a year ago and although I didn't have a CS I ended up with an infection and mastitis and feeding wasn't going well, even WITHOUT all that I'd never have left my baby (he's nearly a year old and I still haven't left him) or expressed so someone else could feed him, why should you have to?!

The trouble is that with weddings and babies, when you're going through it at the time it feels like the most important thing in the world to you and you mistakenly believe it should be for everyone else as well. Their wedding is of crucial importance to them and they feel it should be for you as well, but the fact is at 10 days post partum a baby doesn't know s/he's a separate person from you, and if you're anything like me you don't know it either. For that reason I would make my apologies and not go.

When we made the 'no children' rule for our wedding we did it knowing full well that some people might not come.. Perhaps if your brother and SIL have a baby someday they'll understand, but there are also some people who think nothing of leaving a newborn with someone other than the Mother, so maybe not. Either way it's them being unreasonable expecting you to go without your baby, so they should expect that you might say thanks but no thanks, it comes with the territory I'm afraid

Great post cuntworm! Thank you

Wish I could say the same for your name! ;-)

Think that OP will have got the message if she ever manages to read this far....!

Just wanted to add that my cs went fine, out of hospital in 3 days & less pain than I was getting with the cracked nipples... So try not to worry about that after all the horror stories! But NO WAY would I have managed a journey like that! And I could barely leave DD in the next room for 10 mins let alone leave her for 2 days. Also, you don't say when the wedding is, but the weather conditions might be really bad, so with all the stops needed, your journey could literally take forever. It might also be too cold to feed in the car and you probably won't be comfortable (physically or mentally) bf in the motorway services. If you're planning on FF it might be a bit easier but it's still not good for your baby being in a car seat for that long.

So OP, don't even consider going, and I would suggest avoiding the issue by telling DB that your doctor has advised against you travelling that far as there are health risks for you (dvt etc) after your surgery and don't even mention that you have no intention of leaving the baby.

I would also invite them both down to visit you and the baby the week before the wedding to introduce their new DN and give them their wedding present. Will be interested to hear how impossible that would be for SIL to travel that far while planning her wedding.... Ha, ha!

Haven't read all the comments so apologies if I repeat. We had a child- free wedding (20 min ceremony and they were welcome to the reception but I didn't want any screaming kids/babies ruining my vows) so I can understand where your brother and his fiance are coming from.

However I think it's very unreasonable of them to expect you to leave your 10 day old baby whether you've had a CS and are breastfeeding or not. I had a baby just under a year ago and although I didn't have a CS I ended up with an infection and mastitis and feeding wasn't going well, even WITHOUT all that I'd never have left my baby (he's nearly a year old and I still haven't left him) or expressed so someone else could feed him, why should you have to?!

The trouble is that with weddings and babies, when you're going through it at the time it feels like the most important thing in the world to you and you mistakenly believe it should be for everyone else as well. Their wedding is of crucial importance to them and they feel it should be for you as well, but the fact is at 10 days post partum a baby doesn't know s/he's a separate person from you, and if you're anything like me you don't know it either. For that reason I would make my apologies and not go.

When we made the 'no children' rule for our wedding we did it knowing full well that some people might not come.. Perhaps if your brother and SIL have a baby someday they'll understand, but there are also some people who think nothing of leaving a newborn with someone other than the Mother, so maybe not. Either way it's them being unreasonable expecting you to go without your baby, so they should expect that you might say thanks but no thanks, it comes with the territory I'm afraid

I've had 2 sections, one emergency one elective. Had good recoveries each time and discharged after 3 days. There's NO way I would have been up for a 6 hour drive (which will take much longer) and a wedding.

If you do go the train with your baby will be easier.

Good luck. Childless couples have no idea! Speak to your brother. Also who the hell dp they think you are going to leave your baby with?!

Tell them you're coming without the baby. They'll be happy. Then 2 days before the wedding invent some post operative complication that means you're too poorly to travel. They can't argue with that.

PS - just read Maypoles' post - hahahahahahahahaha

PPS - We went to a friends' wedding (the whole day & evening) when our youngest was 4 MONTHS old. I had an easy V birth and breastfeeding was going well.

But it was still an exhausting day. It was a pain in the arse, to be frank, trying to fit BFing on demand around the ceremony, the drinks after, speeches, meals, etc etc etc. At some points I was having to feed DD standing up in the loos as the only space available to us was the smoky bar (this was pre the smoking ban). By about seven pm I was knackered and grumpy and wanted to go home despite the evening do not even starting yet. I felt horrible for feeling that way and tried to keep a smile on my face for the evening but it wasn't fun. But to my credit, the bride (my friend) never caught on and always says it was lovely that we stayed for the whole do despite having a new baby.

But my point is that was hard enough - and it was a local wedding with a 4 month old baby. In your situation I wouldn't even consider it and anybody suggesting you should, with or without your baby, is being VVVVVVU.

Just to say thanks to the CS ladies who have posted less horrendous post natal experiences. That's kind of what I meant, that it wasn't necessarily going to be all doom and gloom for the OP when her LO was 10 days. She still isn't being unreasonable by not wanting to go, but she might not be having the worst tame ever! she might even be ok :-) just not wanting to push herself to go to a wedding or leave her baby.

My emcs recovery with dd was v straightforward. Was in no pain and back to normal v v quickly. So no need to assume the absolute worst. However, there isn't a cat in hell's chance that I would have left my 10 day old baby and it's unlikely I'd have managed a long car journey at that stage. At 8 weeks we took dd to a wedding 6 hours away and it took a day to get there factoring in nappy stops, feeding stops, changing clothes stop, screaming baby stops etc. And I cluster fed throughout the service, leaked milk a lot and dd pooed all over her wedding outfit within minutes. And that was 2 months in.

With my 2nd emcs, I had a fairly easy recovery except I had my stitch out on day 7 and my wound hadn't knitted properly. I was fine to do most things tbh except I was told not to sit in a car (pressure of the seatbelt on unknitted wound was a no no). So it might not be physically possible anyway.

Good point by verytelly, IF they come around about you taking the baby, and ONLY IF you are feeling up to it, the train is probably easier than the car. Baby can lie flat in the pram and feed whenever, there will be toilets and I think (probably?) less quick turns to hurt your stomach muscles?

(and no seatbelts)

Never mind the baby, I can't believe you'll be ready for a six hour drive ten days after a caesarean. Your brother and his fiancee are being so unreasonable I can hardly believe this is a genuine post.

a) I wouldnt go to a family wedding if i couldnt take my children - they are part of the family too. Yes its Bride & Grooms decision not to have kids there, but my decision if i dont want to attend

b) if i did, i would be furious if i had made arrangements to have my children looked after and all that, and got there to find there were other kids there after all.

Someone did this at a works do, really hammered me for not going because i couldnt find a babysitter and under no circumstances could i take my children, then I found out she had taken her kids!

I wouldn't even travel by train to be fair. Disgusting toilets, very rarely space for a pram and you'd be lucky to get a seat...even if you reserved one. I did a 2 hr train journey when DS was 9 weeks and that was bad enough!

So my final word is, in the unusual but not impossible circumstances that the OP has a quick and uncomplicated recovery from delivery, feels fit and capable emotionally and physically, her baby is not breasted and is also well, that she has no issues leaving her for 2 days, has someone willing and capable to look after her baby and that the wedding venue is accessible by train to make post operative travel possible, then she could do as her DB and SIL expects.

But the fact that they expect it is ignorant and selfish! Even under these circumstances the OP would still be making a magnificent effort for them. So she is not being unreasonable atall to feel justified at her position!

Good luck OP!

Summed up well ditziness

I had a no children request at my wedding but it did NOT include my nieces and nephews (who were flowergirls and mini ushers) and it did not include my friends with newborns or those breastfeeding. I think it is really selfish and short sighted of them to expect you to travel so far without DC. For a start you have no idea how you will feel physically, how the scar is healing, how feeding is going and also at 10 days old you will not want to leave your baby with anyone. I took my DD to my best friends wedding at 5 weeks old (I was maid of honour) and had expressed lots of milk so DH could give her bottles and I wouldnt have to strip out of my bridesmaid dress but even then my boobs got so engorged and leaky I had to feed her a couple of times as it was really painful. Your DC will be their neice or nephew!! Are weddings not family occassions?!

Hope this is resolved for you as I imagine you are pretty gutted at the reaction from DBro.

send your husband to do the reading and make sure he introduces himself by saying 'As you know my lovely wife very recently gave birth to a beautiful baby and so was unable to make it here today so while she is recovering from her c-section and nursing our gorgeous child (hold up huge photograph of delightful child on breast) it falls to me to deliver her reading' and so on..

The more of this thread I read, the more I think you're going to have to pass on this wedding either way- 6 hours in a car sounds like a really bad plan. :(

I get what ditziness is saying, it all sounds very negative but I think she meant about c-cecs in general. I think most of us agree that op will not feel like going even with baby in tow.

fwiw my cousin was in town shopping for clothes all day! (for baby and herself) at 5 days post cs op but I accept that she is unusual.