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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want him in the delivery room?

134 replies

PinkPeanuts · 20/01/2012 19:25

Ok I don't want to drip feed but the backstory is far too long and boring to type! Happy to answer questions tho :)

Anyway, I'm 31 weeks pregnant, split up with father of child when I was 9 weeks.

We do not get on. He has not attended a single antenatal appointment (his choice, not mine), he left the country for 2 month of the pregnancy, and at one point told me I was on my own and he wanted nothing to do with me or my child- he changed his mind soon after.

We spoke on Wednesday, for the first time in 2 months and were amicable, until it dawned on him that he would not be in the delivery room when our baby is born. I explained to him that I would not feel comfortable with him in the room, I just wanted it to be me and my mum. At this point I was told I was being selfish it's not about whether I'm comfortable or not. I disagree, I think uncomfortable mother= uncomfortable baby, stressed mother= stressed baby, and all he does is stress me out. Personality wise, he is rude, aggressive and disrespectful. I just know he will be there throwing his weight around causing tension and I can't think of anything worse while I'm in labour.

AIBU to not allow him to be in the room while I deliver our child?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 20/01/2012 19:27

Your body, your labour, your child.
Your choice.
YANBU

RitaMorgan · 20/01/2012 19:27

YANBU

Don't tell him you're in labour, call him afterwards to let him know when he can visit.

scottishmummy · 20/01/2012 19:27

You need to feel comfortable,safe and not unduly stressed
So yes chose wisely whom you wish present
And good luck

oiwheresthecoffee · 20/01/2012 19:28

YANBU !!
It is completely about what you want. Tell him no , no way and ask the hospital to keep him out. The can have him removed by security if they need to.

ZuzuBailey · 20/01/2012 19:28

I wouldn't allow him within a mile of the delivery room!

It's entirely your choice who you have with you and anyone who stresses you out should not be welcome.

Why on earth would he think he has a right to be there?

PleaseGetWell · 20/01/2012 19:28

Good God, absolutely not!

YA DEFINITELY NBU - he sounds a right charmer.

You need to remind him sharpish that he has not right to insist that he attends the birth and in fact, make sure your MW's and the hospital are fully aware that he must not be let in. The security on baby wards these days is good, so he won't get past them.

Stay strong.

RevoltingPeasant · 20/01/2012 19:29

I'm not a mum yet but YANBU.

I'd say differently if he was your DH and you got on well- then I think he might have some claim to see his child born - but after the way he's treated you in pregnancy - nah.

Text him ex post facto.

TidyDancer · 20/01/2012 19:29

YANBU, and rest assured the hospital will back you up. What you say goes and that's the end of it.

My compromise would be that if he can prove himself to be reasonable and decent over the next couple of months, you will inform him when you've gone into hospital and he can visit you there if you feel he will behave.

PleaseGetWell · 20/01/2012 19:29

no right

And, as someone else said, don't even let him know that you've gone into labour.

ZuzuBailey · 20/01/2012 19:29

Oh and YANBU - I hope you have a lovely birth with your mum there.

Squitten · 20/01/2012 19:30

YADNBU

You have 100% control over who is present when you give birth and the midwives will absolutely support you. Don't believe anything he tells you.

Just refuse to discuss it any further and don't contact him until after the baby is born

Napdamnyou · 20/01/2012 19:30

He has no right to be there whatsoever. The end.

If you are worried, you can tell the hospital and your midwives that he is not to be allowed in to see you and get security to chuck him out, I believe.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 20/01/2012 19:31

YANBU, but I would spend the next couple of weeks making him accept the idea. there is no way he should be in the room if you don't want him there.

I think it would be mean of you to ban him from the hospital though. If you want him to be involved with the baby then he should be at the hospital if he wants to be. I can't see why he can't wait outside.

Shutupanddrive · 20/01/2012 19:32

YANBU! What a wanker to say that your selfish Shock don't let him bully you

ivykaty44 · 20/01/2012 19:32

tell him it isn't a spectator sport, you are the patient no one else until the point of birth.

Explain you will let him know when the baby is born but not until after the birth - he is going to struggle to know when that is going to be - isn't he if you don't tell him when you go into labour

Abcinthia · 20/01/2012 19:32

YANBU - it's up to you to have who you want to be there and after the way he's acted, why should he expect to be there?

SauvignonBlanche · 20/01/2012 19:33

YANBU, call him when you're ready.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 20/01/2012 19:34

YANBU. And presumably it shouldn't be too hard to ensure he isn't there? Don't tell him you're in labour. Tell the midwives not to let anyone but your mum in (take a photo if necessary and print 'do not admit this man' across it to give to reception/security etc)

You need to feel 100% comfortable when in labour, not pressured or intimidated by his presence.

AmberLeaf · 20/01/2012 19:36

Until the baby is out its all about you if you dont feel supported by him then there is no point him being there during your labour.

Tell your midwife the situation and txt him when the baby is born.

minimisschief · 20/01/2012 19:37

As a man i kind of hate the attitude he has no reason or right to be there. i am aware its your body and you do not like the guy but surely you cannot morally refuse the childs father from witnessing the birth of his child.

i would be absolutely devastated if i wasn't able to see my two children being born and i am sure everyone of you would be too.

Cant you both grow up and respect each other as parents because you are going to be in each others lives for a very long time.

AThingInYourLife · 20/01/2012 19:38

YANBU

LOL at it not "being about" whether you are comfortable :o

What a dick!

samandi · 20/01/2012 19:40

Obviously, YANBU and he has no right at all to be there.

Personally I think YWBU to go ahead with a pregnancy with a "rude and aggressive" man you don't get on with and had split up with, but I happily accept that's my opinion and others have very different ones.

Wants3 · 20/01/2012 19:40

My sister was in a similar situation.she had it written across the top of her notes that father was not allowed in.

AThingInYourLife · 20/01/2012 19:41

Yes, she can morally refuse him the chance to be at the birth of the baby his sperm created.

Only the woman is in labour. It is her labour, and it is ALL ABOUT her comfort and wellbeing.

You'd be a better kind of man if you didn't think men had certain rights to impose themselves on women.

PreviouslyonLost · 20/01/2012 19:42

Your choice...full stop.

Brace yourself for baby's arrival via foo foo/sun-roof, whatever, it's a helluva trip, but ultimately exhausting wonderful Smile

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