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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want him in the delivery room?

134 replies

PinkPeanuts · 20/01/2012 19:25

Ok I don't want to drip feed but the backstory is far too long and boring to type! Happy to answer questions tho :)

Anyway, I'm 31 weeks pregnant, split up with father of child when I was 9 weeks.

We do not get on. He has not attended a single antenatal appointment (his choice, not mine), he left the country for 2 month of the pregnancy, and at one point told me I was on my own and he wanted nothing to do with me or my child- he changed his mind soon after.

We spoke on Wednesday, for the first time in 2 months and were amicable, until it dawned on him that he would not be in the delivery room when our baby is born. I explained to him that I would not feel comfortable with him in the room, I just wanted it to be me and my mum. At this point I was told I was being selfish it's not about whether I'm comfortable or not. I disagree, I think uncomfortable mother= uncomfortable baby, stressed mother= stressed baby, and all he does is stress me out. Personality wise, he is rude, aggressive and disrespectful. I just know he will be there throwing his weight around causing tension and I can't think of anything worse while I'm in labour.

AIBU to not allow him to be in the room while I deliver our child?

OP posts:

samandi · 20/01/2012 19:42

As a man i kind of hate the attitude he has no reason or right to be there. i am aware its your body and you do not like the guy but surely you cannot morally refuse the childs father from witnessing the birth of his child.

You may hate it all you like, but tough shit. There is absolutely no moral obligation on the part of the mother to allow the father to "witness the birth of his child". Particularly in an abusive relationship or where there is no relationship at all. To suggest otherwise is the height of selfishness and entitledness. where is the vomiting emoticon?

keepingupwiththejoneses · 20/01/2012 19:42

Yes the OP can refuse. They are not together and he has previously told her he doesn't want to know. If he had any idea about what was going on then he wouldn't even have asked. You need to be relaxed and calm when you are in labour, stress may well cause complications. Don't tell him your in labour, just let him know after the fact.

Original poster

PinkPeanuts · 20/01/2012 19:43

Thanks so much for your replies. For those who want to know why he thinks he has the right to be there, it is because he is the type of person who thinks the world owes him a favour. I have no intention of telling him when I go in to labour but we're linked through various friends and family members so just incase someone slips up, there is a small chance he might turn up unannounced. I've told my sisters that if he does turn up there, it's fine if he stays in the waiting room and doesn't start shooting his mouth off but if he puts a foot wrong, call security pronto.

He even tried emotional blackmail, bringing up the fact that he missed his son being born and now I'm stopping him from seeing his daughter come into the world, but that has sweet FA to do with me! I didn't even know him then!

OP posts:

RitaMorgan · 20/01/2012 19:43

A dad getting to witness a birth is a priviledge, not a right.

Birth can be a painful, stressful and dangerous thing for both a mother and child. A man's desire to spectate do not trump the safety of the mother and baby.

samandi · 20/01/2012 19:46

The whole issue about men's "right" to be at the birth of "their" () child is extremely sinister. It absolutely smacks of men wanting control over women.

RevoltingPeasant · 20/01/2012 19:46

mini would you like your least favourite ex to witness you having a bout of norovirus?

I'm guessing that's about how dignified some births are. Don't think anyone has a right to be there at all. You might have an argument if he'd treated her decnetly during the pregnancy but he's pissed her about and what's to say he won't do so again during labour?

Original poster

PinkPeanuts · 20/01/2012 19:48

minimisschief If I was stopping him from seeing his child full stop, I could understand the angle you are coming from but I'm not. I just don't want to run the risk of having a stressful labour and him being there would mean just that. I was unable to enjoy the majority of my pregnancy due to his behaviour, I think should be allowed to have the labour that I want. He is the one that chooses to treat me with zero respect, I can hand on heart say that the animosity stems from his disgusting treatment of me.

OP posts:

Flisspaps · 20/01/2012 19:49

PinkPeanuts Most Labour wards/maternity units don't have a waiting room, so if he turns up there'll most likely be nowhere suitable for him to wait anyway.

MyOhMyOh · 20/01/2012 19:49

Completely agree with Rita, it's a priviledge to be there at a birth, not a right.

Original poster

PinkPeanuts · 20/01/2012 19:53

PreviouslyonLost, well that's just it! I'm not even nervous about labour, Im excited about the whole thing and I want to stay that way for as much of it as possible. I don't want to be riddled with tension and waiting for the moment he kicks off :(

OP posts:

Original poster

PinkPeanuts · 20/01/2012 19:55

Flisspaps Ah but there is a waiting room in the labour ward of the hospital I'm booked at. It may well be a blessing in disguise as its the only compromise I can offer.

OP posts:

ThisIsExtremelyVeryNotGood · 20/01/2012 19:57

YANBU. Anybody in the labour room with you is not there to witness the birth of the child but is there to support you through the labour, birth and immediate time after. He has no legal or moral right or reason to be there, and as PPs have said I would not give him any information about where or when you are giving birth, and ensure that the staff are aware of him and do not let him in. Once you are home from hospital you can contact him about arranging contact with the baby.

sunshineoutdoors · 20/01/2012 19:57

YADNBU. You need to be with people who make you feel safe, happy and supported when you are in labour. It should be completely up to you who that is.

If you're planning skin to skin, breastfeeding etc after the birth he won't have a lot to do immediately afterwards anyway - different if he was your partner, parent or friend as he'd be there to support you doing these things and you could all have lovely cuddles together, but it doesn't sound as if you have that sort of relationship at all.

Afaik there are a limited number of people allowed to be in hospital to support you during birth, I feel it should be up to you who these people are.

Original poster

PinkPeanuts · 20/01/2012 20:06

samandi So by your logic I should have terminated my baby the day he moved out? What if I was 7 months pregnant when we split? Do I sign myself up with social services and have her adopted? What if we'd split up the day our child is born? Do I hand her back to the midwife and say "oh sorry, her father and I don't get on".

OP posts:

LydiaWickham · 20/01/2012 20:08

At the risk of being a bit negative, he's not a dad yet (well, not to a child with you). He's not the Father until the child has actually arrived in the world safe and sound. Before that, it's not about the baby at all (who legally doesn't exisit as an entity in their own right yet, merely as part of you) it's about you.

If he could in any way be a support to you, then he should be there, but he is not your partner, he's not your friend, he's not your family, he's not a medical professional, so why would be be there for you ? After the baby is born, then he get's to be part of that child's life, which will involve being a limited part of yours, but beyond that, he's no right to have anything to do with your life.

If he has fathered two children and neither woman has considered him to be worth being in the room at the time of birth, that says more about him than the women. Perhaps suggest he stops going round getting women pregnant he doesn't intend to spend the rest of his life with.

Oh, and if he pisses you off, he'll make you stressed and it'll slow everything down and put the baby at risk and upset the baby. Really, who's feelings are more important to you - your fuckwitted ex or your baby?

FutureNannyOgg · 20/01/2012 20:14

The physiology of birth requires you to be relaxed and feel safe. If him being there stresses you, then he is putting your health and that of his child at risk. A responsible, loving parent would accept this and put his child first.

I agree with not telling him, and you don't have to tell any of your friends either. When I was in labour, only DH, me and the midwives knew, and I was in labour for 2 days! There really is no need to tell anyone, and particularly not people who you can't trust not to gossip about your private business.

JustAnother · 20/01/2012 20:16

YANBU, I didn't even allow my own DH there. I didn't want anyone, except for the midwife and that's how it went. It is your labour not a theatre performance. If you don't want an audience, you don't have to put up with one.

foglike · 20/01/2012 20:16

I can understand a father wanting to be in the building and I could accept that he has the rights to see the baby once it's born.

But in this instance i'm with the OP and a deffo no to the delivery suite etc..

SarahBumBarer · 20/01/2012 20:18

Don't think you meant samandi there OP!

Mischief Some here will not agree with me but I think dad's have a right to have a say in issues like termination, whether a child should be conceived at all and in the upbringing of their children. The birth itself is different and I'm surprised that having witnessed the birth of your DC's and what your wife went through (no matter how positive the birth experience) that you can't see that any woman going through this should have the right to have anyone or no-one (other than a medical professional) with them at that point as she chooses. Particularly in a case where the OP has a genuine concern about the environment that her exP will create in the delivery room rather than just being malicious.

kritur · 20/01/2012 20:18

I was in a very similar position to you, in fact bloke actually wanted me to have a termination......... He has since changed his tune completely but he wasn't there at my daughter's birth. I actually think I laboured better with only women around me, I was quite relaxed and could be myself and even though I was induced I mainly used a hot water bottle for pain relief. In the end my labour was very quick (40 mins active labour) and my birth partner friend didn't make it back so it was just me and 2 midwives. Inbox me if you want to offload, I have definitely been there!

SarahBumBarer · 20/01/2012 20:18

And sorry - OP, yes you did, just saw the earlier post.

YANBU by the way!

ArtexMonkey · 20/01/2012 20:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flisspaps · 20/01/2012 20:25

PinkPeanuts But you don't need to offer a compromise.

As many people have said on this website in the past - "NO is a complete sentence"

FabbyChic · 20/01/2012 20:25

Id never have a blank space on the birth certicate why would you do that to your child, it is your child that has to have the certiifcate when they get older, why give them a cert with no fathers name thats fucking mean to the child.

Flisspaps · 20/01/2012 20:35

It's not fucking mean to the child, Fabby.

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