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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want him in the delivery room?

134 replies

PinkPeanuts · 20/01/2012 19:25

Ok I don't want to drip feed but the backstory is far too long and boring to type! Happy to answer questions tho :)

Anyway, I'm 31 weeks pregnant, split up with father of child when I was 9 weeks.

We do not get on. He has not attended a single antenatal appointment (his choice, not mine), he left the country for 2 month of the pregnancy, and at one point told me I was on my own and he wanted nothing to do with me or my child- he changed his mind soon after.

We spoke on Wednesday, for the first time in 2 months and were amicable, until it dawned on him that he would not be in the delivery room when our baby is born. I explained to him that I would not feel comfortable with him in the room, I just wanted it to be me and my mum. At this point I was told I was being selfish it's not about whether I'm comfortable or not. I disagree, I think uncomfortable mother= uncomfortable baby, stressed mother= stressed baby, and all he does is stress me out. Personality wise, he is rude, aggressive and disrespectful. I just know he will be there throwing his weight around causing tension and I can't think of anything worse while I'm in labour.

AIBU to not allow him to be in the room while I deliver our child?

OP posts:
zipzap · 20/01/2012 20:35

Tell him that you are happy for him to be in the delivery room so long as he strips naked in front of you, your mum and his mum plus a handful of random strangers (to represent the medical staff) whilst pushing out a full sized watermelon (to represent the baby) from his backside. All whilst being filmed and then put on YouTube (payback to represent his uselessness as a person and bad way he has treated you this pg£).

If he is happy to go through the same sort of experience (obviously his won't be as bad as yours but it will give him a taste of all the different aspects of stuff going on) then you will let him in. But until he has gone through it first with you watching.

He forfeited his right to be present with you anywhere other than where you are both fully dressed when he walked out on you.

Seriously, hope all goes well at the birth and that he stays away. Have you got a photo of him you could take with you - make a few a4 posters up for your hospital bag to take in with you with his name and picture on, saying do not let this man in.

EllenandBump · 20/01/2012 20:40

You could always remind him politely that it wasnt soo long ago that men werent ALLOWED in the delivery room.

It is your decision and in fact he has no legal right to be there. No one does. YOU choose who you want there, not the other way around!

NellieForbush · 20/01/2012 20:41

YANBU. Agree with others sometimes there is no compromise. His demand is unrealistic and unreasonable. No. That's it.

It's not a fucking red letter day. Fathers attend births to support their partners - not for the experience of seeing a baby being born. He can watch OBEM if thats what he wants.

Privilege not a right. Just as it is to have a baby.

Original poster
PinkPeanuts · 20/01/2012 20:43

zipzap Grin I like your thinking!

Regarding the birth certificate, he's not going on it. Nothing to do with spite, everything to do with safeguarding her, and the fact the he's told me he refuses to have anything to do with registering her (thinks its a government conspiracy, long story).

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 20/01/2012 20:44

What's so terrible about having a blank space on your birth certificate rather than the name of a complete dick who didn't want anything to do with you?

Some men don't deserve the title of father and being the sperm donor in a pregnancy you subsequently disavow makes you one if them.

A child deserves not to have a complete no mark as a Dad.

ArtexMonkey · 20/01/2012 20:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 20/01/2012 20:57

Government conspiracy Hmm

My arse - he thinks if he isnt on the birth certificate he wont have to pay child support.

He will not acknowledge that he is the father of the child on a legal document but he thinks he has the right to watch you give birth?

Knobber.

He sounds as if its all bloody talk anyway. What is the betting if you agreed he wouldnt bother to turn up anyway.

I have a lot of sympathy for good men who want to be at the birth of their child but cannot but I really feel women should have the final choice in this matter.

Original poster
PinkPeanuts · 20/01/2012 21:06

I know I'm being beyond stubborn MrsDeVere but I refuse to ask him for a single penny of child support. He is the type of person who would throw it in my face. Thank god I am in the position to look after us both and I have amazing support. If he offers it, different story, but asking? No way.

OP posts:
OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 20/01/2012 21:11

I dont blame you pink
But I still think thats why he is doing it and that stinks.

Original poster
PinkPeanuts · 20/01/2012 21:21

You may be right. Twice now he's said "let me know when you need money towards the pram etc" but even that pisses me off because rather than just drop it off or arrange a time to get it to me, he wants me to have to ask for it. Not a chance!

OP posts:
pinkyp · 20/01/2012 21:22

YANBU

mojitomania · 20/01/2012 21:24

YANBU

I did exactly the same and had my sister there instead. Would have wanted to punch his face in once the contractions started.

As for the birth certificate thing I'm sort of struggling with that to be honest, only because it was what I initially did and regretted it. But hey, you have a year to do this so you can change your mind. See how things go once your gorgeous bundle is born.

Good luck and congrats in advance

Wamster · 20/01/2012 21:30

Hi, I echo the YANBU verdict put forward by so many here.
I do so because I think you need as many people telling you this as possible.

He sounds a right c*. Controlling yet sentimental at the same time. I doubt the idiot would be able to withstand the actual 'joys' of labour but that is not the point.
You must make it clear-absolutely clear- to the team that will be delivering your baby that this man is not to enter the labour room. Speak to the most senior person you can on this. Make it clear. Repeat yourself. Make yourself be a pain in the ass-at least they'll remember.
Believe me, their only concern will be you and your baby. They will not want an idiot like your ex around!

AThingInYourLife · 20/01/2012 21:32

Controlling and sentimental seem to go hand in hand.

Original poster
PinkPeanuts · 20/01/2012 21:40

mojitomania I made the decision with the full understanding that it's my cross to bare that I'll have to explain the missing information on her birth cert to my daughter one day. It's not ideal but it's the lesser of two evils! I hope you don't mind me asking but what made you do it?

wamster I fully intend to be a PITA and make my wishes expressly clear to the midwives, although to be fair, he wouldn't get past my sister if he tried!

OP posts:
Wamster · 20/01/2012 21:41

Anyway, I think my position here is clear enough, however, all this stuff about them not being in a relationship anymore as being significant somehow grates a little. I think that even if they were still together, the woman giving birth still has the absolute right to have (or not have) the right to say who is present at the birth.
This is not just my view; the team will absolutely accept it if the mother-to-be says she does not want her husband at the birth.

It is a a traumatic, scary time and painful, too. The mother's needs are paramount and if she doesn't want her husband/man she is still in a relationship with there it is up to her.

AThingInYourLife · 20/01/2012 21:45

Well said, Wamster.

PoppadumPreach · 20/01/2012 21:49

Probably the most clear cut YANBU I have read on MN to date

he should be nowhere near you or the baby around the delivery

if he wants to be a good dad, he has the rest of his life to show it.

Wamster · 20/01/2012 21:49

Listening to the idiotic comments of minimisschief, I can well see that the old-fashioned way of NOT allowing fathers into the labour room may well have had one advantage: if that were still the way, there'd be no idiotic male thinking that his rights came before that of someone in agony and feeling scared!

Besides which, I don't think many men actually want to be there, truth be told.

Your ex sounds vile, PinkPeanuts, a man has to be particularly nasty to force his way over somebody who will be in a highly-vulnerable state.
Honest to god, vile. Just vile.

Original poster
PinkPeanuts · 20/01/2012 22:34

He is vile. And I don't say that just as your average "scorned woman", he really is just vile. I honesty believe he has some sort of personality disorder.

OP posts:
samandi · 20/01/2012 22:46

samandi So by your logic I should have terminated my baby the day he moved out? What if I was 7 months pregnant when we split? Do I sign myself up with social services and have her adopted? What if we'd split up the day our child is born? Do I hand her back to the midwife and say "oh sorry, her father and I don't get on".

At 9 weeks personally I would have had a termination. Like I said, that is my personal opinion. I wouldn't ever get pregnant (and carry on with the pregnancy) with someone unless I was 100% sure of their commitment to me and the child, though I don't have the support that you do. To me the major part of having a child is in creating a family, in having a child together, with someone you love and respect.

Seven (or nine) months is obviously rather different Hmm. If the father had pulled the wool over my eyes and deceived me into thinking he was father material for that long I'd have no choice to go through with the whole thing.

samandi · 20/01/2012 22:48

Don't think you meant samandi there OP!

Thanks SarahBumBarer, but I think she did :-)

longjane · 20/01/2012 23:04

re the birth cert

if you are not married the father has to be there when you register the birth .
to go on cert

skybluepearl · 20/01/2012 23:50

I'd never be able to hae a termination Samandi. I don't think I would be able to live with myself.

EllenandBump · 20/01/2012 23:55

I have a blank space on my birth certificate as my father was away working when mum had to register me, so the result was no father on it cos they werent married, it has never bothered me and never did growing up, perhaps because dad died when i was 15months or perhaps because thats life.

MiniMischief, although i see where you are coming from about it being a precious experience for a dad to see, but in situations where it would stress the mother out there could be complications with the baby due to stress. Which could result in the baby ending up in distress also. Also whilst going through labour a woman loses all her dignity and does not need someone controlling there with her. I agree when you are a couple it would be heart breaking not to be there, but when it causes problems there has to b every respect for the woman....i mean out of choice we wouldnt be there losing all our dignity. My dad wasnt at my birth (mainly cos he couldnt get here in time....nor could the ambulance which was on blue lights, lierally one push and i was born at home. But he lived with it.

I hope i havent offended anyone, but thats just my opinion.