AIBU to not want him in the delivery room?

[PinkPeanuts]

Ok I don't want to drip feed but the backstory is far too long and boring to type! Happy to answer questions tho :)

Anyway, I'm 31 weeks pregnant, split up with father of child when I was 9 weeks.

We do not get on. He has not attended a single antenatal appointment (his choice, not mine), he left the country for 2 month of the pregnancy, and at one point told me I was on my own and he wanted nothing to do with me or my child- he changed his mind soon after.

We spoke on Wednesday, for the first time in 2 months and were amicable, until it dawned on him that he would not be in the delivery room when our baby is born. I explained to him that I would not feel comfortable with him in the room, I just wanted it to be me and my mum. At this point I was told I was being selfish it's not about whether I'm comfortable or not. I disagree, I think uncomfortable mother= uncomfortable baby, stressed mother= stressed baby, and all he does is stress me out. Personality wise, he is rude, aggressive and disrespectful. I just know he will be there throwing his weight around causing tension and I can't think of anything worse while I'm in labour.

AIBU to not allow him to be in the room while I deliver our child?

Samandi, what a crock! Heteromonogamy is not an essential part of parenthood: single mothers and lesbian mothers and adoptive parents all bring up happy healthy children. It's much better to dump an unsatisfactory man and continue the pregnancy than have pregnancy (and newborn stage) spoilt by having to cater to his unreasonable demands. And if you have been dumped by the man who impregnated you, why should you have a termination if you want to continue the pregnancy, just because the man is out of the picture?

OP of course you are NBU, there's no way on earth you would have this guy with you during labour and the birth and easily sorted out with staff regarding this.

But samandi The whole issue about men's "right" to be at the birth of "their" () child is extremely sinister. It absolutely smacks of men wanting control over women.

Not sure about this statement actually, in a situation such as OP describes as I said no way but not sure what you mean by sinister

So what you are basically saying Samandi is that all the children of single parents out there would be better off dead?

Agh nowt like AIBU to bring out the hyperbole

At 9 weeks personally I would have had a termination. Like I said, that is my personal opinion. I wouldn't ever get pregnant (and carry on with the pregnancy) with someone unless I was 100% sure of their commitment to me and the child, though I don't have the support that you do. To me the major part of having a child is in creating a family, in having a child together, with someone you love and respect.

I respect your personal opinion and for what it's worth, I am extremely pro-choice. But to say you wouldn't ever get pregnant unless you were 100% sure is naive. I had zero intention of getting pregnant and I wasn't even being careless! contraception failed on me, hey presto, I'm pregnant. I found out at 4 weeks and yes I could have had a termination and carried on with my life but as much as I am pro choice, I have always known that I personally couldn't live with the regret. Sometimes you just don't know where life is going to take you. By the time I was 9 weeks, in my head I was already a mother, him revealing himself to be an arsehole was not going to take that away from me. For all I know, this could be my only chance to be a mother. I knew I would be ok if I carried this on by myself and trust me it is easier to do this without him.

Yes I am fortunate that I have an amazing support system, that doesn't mean that single motherhood was what I wanted for myself and that is a separate issue that I've had to work through and come to terms with. I wish my little girl was going to grow up with both parents unlike me but hey, that's life and I couldn't afford to dwell on that so I got over it and carried on regardless. Continuing with my pregnancy means I'm linking with this man for the rest of my life and as you can tell, he's bloody hard work and can be so nasty it's unreal. But my daughter has already changed me in ways I didn't know possible. I love her so much and I haven't even met her. I just can't see her as anything less than the blessing she is so if putting up with him is the price I have to pay to be her mummy, so be it.

But my daughter has already changed me in ways I didn't know possible. I love her so much and I haven't even met her. I just can't see her as anything less than the blessing she is so if putting up with him is the price I have to pay to be her mummy, so be it.

And, ^^^ that ^^^ OP, shows you're going to be a great mummy.

I'd never be able to hae a termination Samandi. I don't think I would be able to live with myself.

Well that?s your personal decision.

Samandi, what a crock! Heteromonogamy is not an essential part of parenthood: single mothers and lesbian mothers and adoptive parents all bring up happy healthy children. It's much better to dump an unsatisfactory man and continue the pregnancy than have pregnancy (and newborn stage) spoilt by having to cater to his unreasonable demands. And if you have been dumped by the man who impregnated you, why should you have a termination if you want to continue the pregnancy, just because the man is out of the picture?

Like I said, for me (that is, for myself) having a baby is about having a baby together. I simply have no desire to be pregnant or raise a child by myself. (And I have been pregnant, so I do know what I?m talking about.) I?d only want the child of someone I love and respect and the thought of having a baby with someone else is rather repulsive to me.

As for why you should have a termination, I don?t believe that having children is a right. It is a responsibility. If you are able to bring up the child responsibly by yourself, then fair enough. Personally I don?t believe that single mothers in this circumstance should be entitled to numerous benefits though.

So what you are basically saying Samandi is that all the children of single parents out there would be better off dead?

I don?t believe I came close to saying any such thing. What a hysterical comment.

*But samandi The whole issue about men's "right" to be at the birth of "their" () child is extremely sinister. It absolutely smacks of men wanting control over women.

Not sure about this statement actually, in a situation such as OP describes as I said no way but not sure what you mean by sinister*

Yes, I find it sinister that in a situation where the woman will be vulnerable and in pain, and the man knows this, knows that she doesn?t want him there, and knows that his presence is likely to cause more pain and stress, he would try to insist on being there to witness that vulnerability and pain.

Personally I don?t believe that single mothers in this circumstance should be entitled to numerous benefits though.

What benefits are you referring to?

Thank you so much ATruth :)

What a fucking idiot! YANBU OP - don't have anyone at the birth with whom you're not completely comfortable. Apart from the obvious privacy and vulnerability issues of having someone you dislike witnessing you in the throes of labour and birth, it's vital to be as relaxed as possible to encourage your labour to progress.

As the father, of course he has the right to see his child, and I really hope that you both can develop an amicable co-parenting relationship for the benefit of you all. But he can see his child after your labour - the culmination of your pregnancy.

Fuck me, I'm just still - and also at the poster who thinks that a man has the right to see his child born - ie see his ex wife/partner/gf/drunken one night stand or whatever naked, vulnerable, screaming, dilated and covered in bodily excretions. Er, no you don't!

But to say you wouldn't ever get pregnant unless you were 100% sure is naive.

I meant to continue with the pregnancy too. Yes, perhaps saying ?100% sure? is naive, but I?m pretty damn sure for myself.

I have always known that I personally couldn't live with the regret.

Ok, that?s your personal decision.

By the time I was 9 weeks, in my head I was already a mother, him revealing himself to be an arsehole was not going to take that away from me.

One thing I honestly don?t understand on MN is how many men ?suddenly? reveal themselves to be arseholes.

Anyway, I hope my comments don?t come across as an attack, they aren?t meant to be. I hope everything goes well for you.

Minimisschief have my very first .

You sound like just the sort of controlling wanker 'man' (I use that erm very loosely) who is the problem. Here's the thing - it's not about you! Were you a mummy's boy by any chance?

OP, you sound very together, you'll be a great mum and your DD is very lucky to have you.

*Personally I don?t believe that single mothers in this circumstance should be entitled to numerous benefits though.

What benefits are you referring to?*

For example, housing and council tax benefit, income support.

Samandi so you are against single parents receiving benefits then? How exactly is a single parent meant to support their child then - because it will be children who suffer.

samandi I am secure enough in myself and the choices I have made to not feel under attack, but I do find your comments incredulous. You come across as judgemental and bigoted. Yes, he revealed his true colours. People who have known him for years before me are shocked and disgusted at his attitude towards me and our child.

As for the benefits comment, I'm not into the demonising of people who claim benefits. We have a system in this country that is there to support people when they need it. For what it's worth, I've had a job since the week I left school and have worked every day ever since, paying my taxes when elegible so why shouldn't I be entitled to the support of a system i've payed into should I need it? And even if I hadn't payed into it for the last 10 years, should my child suffer because of a situation that I couldn't have known I was going to be in? Your logic is flawed on so very many levels.

Your view of the world is very black and white. In reality, there are shades of grey and nobody should be vilified for the unexpected.

PinkPeanuts, you sound like you have your head firmly screwed on.
You'll do just fine, enjoy your birth experience and your little baby.

Thank you sausages, I'm really looking forward to it! :)

It is well-known that pregnancy can act as a trigger for abusive men. Poor show to blame their victims and seek to deny them benefits to attempt to force them into a termination.

Absolutely shameful.

OP I'm sure you don't need it but I'll add to the YANBU vote.

Wrt the birth certificate, my 'father's' name isn't on mine. It doesn't bother me, I don't even think about it unless it's brought up on a thread like this.

Childbirth is the one area a controlling man can really not get the upperhand IMHO and so it seems to bring out the power-struggle/freakery thing in that sort of man judging by the experiences I've witnessed.

YA So NBU PinkPeanuts stick to your guns, and good luck to you & your daughter

Yep, previously unseen abusive behaviour often emerges when the woman is pregnant. It's certainly not uncommon.

Of course YANBU OP, and you have every right to give birth exactly as you choose.
My ds's father was not at any of my scans (I did give him the option) and neither of us wanted him to be at the birth.
He waited in the waiting room.
Giving birth is a very intimate experience, and you should, ideally, only have people who love and respect you there.

I wouldnt put your daughters father on the birth cert either.
Wait and see what kind of dad Ex turns out to be first. You can always have it amended later.
My Ex isn't on my sons, because frankly he hasn't earned the title of "father".

Samandi - suddenly revealing themselves to be arseholes can go something like this:-

dh - (just after wedding & before pregnancy). Can't wait to be a dad, soooo looking forward to it; going to be wonderful, we'll be great parents. I'm going to be too old to be a good dad etc

Me (on birth control which fails) I'm pregnant.....

dh.....OMG I'm too young to be a dad!!!

He then decides to start going to the pub every night, recreating his 'single' lad days; begins to nitpick about the state of the house, how I'm being selfish to bring a baby into the world as I'm such a bad housekeeper.

There was never any sign that he would behave like that; all I can think is that mentally, he was unprepared to become a parent (as was I).

And.... OP - you are definitely NOT being unreasonable.

Personally I'd be giving him a verbal version of a kick in the balls, but hey, that's me.

Enjoy what time you have left, and then the lovely snuggly baby

"As a man i kind of hate the attitude he has no reason or right to be there. i am aware its your body and you do not like the guy but surely you cannot morally refuse the childs father from witnessing the birth of his child."

Dude, whatever. Until you HAVE a baby, you can keep your opinions to yourself.

Having a baby will make a woman rip herself apart downstairs, and I do not think there is ANYTHING you would EVER do to cause your nether-regions to become a big bloody mess on purpose.

As you may or may not be able to fathom: The ability to focus enough, through pain of this magnitude (and for many, it is not this bad, but for some it is!), to KEEP GOING is based strictly and solely on not having people in the room who detract from that focus.

This is women's work and until a man can have a baby, so it remains.

Being let into the labour room is strictly foe those who can support the Mother - not for the self-aggrandisement of ones own (pathetic) ego.

End of.

The above was to minimisschief

Who should receive state help in your eyes Samandi? I mean, couples get it, unemployed get it, working people get it...is it just single parents who shouldn't? If so, why?