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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want him in the delivery room?

134 replies

PinkPeanuts · 20/01/2012 19:25

Ok I don't want to drip feed but the backstory is far too long and boring to type! Happy to answer questions tho :)

Anyway, I'm 31 weeks pregnant, split up with father of child when I was 9 weeks.

We do not get on. He has not attended a single antenatal appointment (his choice, not mine), he left the country for 2 month of the pregnancy, and at one point told me I was on my own and he wanted nothing to do with me or my child- he changed his mind soon after.

We spoke on Wednesday, for the first time in 2 months and were amicable, until it dawned on him that he would not be in the delivery room when our baby is born. I explained to him that I would not feel comfortable with him in the room, I just wanted it to be me and my mum. At this point I was told I was being selfish it's not about whether I'm comfortable or not. I disagree, I think uncomfortable mother= uncomfortable baby, stressed mother= stressed baby, and all he does is stress me out. Personality wise, he is rude, aggressive and disrespectful. I just know he will be there throwing his weight around causing tension and I can't think of anything worse while I'm in labour.

AIBU to not allow him to be in the room while I deliver our child?

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 21/01/2012 17:26

Samandi, you're making a big mistake to prioritise couple-relationships. Some work, many don't, and the majority of abusive men don't show their true colours for quite a while. Even if there are warning signs which a woman recognizes with hindsight, on the whole she will ignore them due to the massive cultural pressure on women to have heteromonogamous relationships, 'work' at them and Please Their Man.
If a relationship breaks up due to the man's abusive behaviour, it's his fault, not the woman's. He could stop being an arsehole and then he might getto share in his child's upbringing.

munkysea · 21/01/2012 18:07

Good luck with the rest of the pregnancy and the birth, OP.

Anyone else finding it a tad strange on his part that he's essentially demanding to look at his ex-partners tumpsy being ripped apart for what could be hours on end. I can't imagine any rational bloke really wanting to do that. ugh Ugh UGH. No. Does he even understand how awkward it will be for him and distressing for you? I think it's less about witnessing the birth of his child and more about being difficult.

PamBeesly · 21/01/2012 18:52

YANBU its such an intimate moment I couldn't share it with a person who did that to me. He sounds like a right piece of work, self entitled and the birth registration consiparcy, he needs to grow up and stop living in La la land.
Enjoy your birth and baby

PosieParker · 21/01/2012 18:57

Your body, your labour, your baby, your decision. Even if you did decide that it was okay I would say MISTAKE....

PosieParker · 21/01/2012 19:02

samandi Sat 21-Jan-12 10:56:22
*Personally I don?t believe that single mothers in this circumstance should be entitled to numerous benefits though.

What benefits are you referring to?*

For example, housing and council tax benefit, income support.

I completely agree, if a woman is duped into carrying the baby of someone she does not love or decides to parent without a man .....let's ensure both her and the child are punished for an eternity. I definitely think homelessness, starvation and generally living in absolute poverty is the only way to teach these slappers and their offspring that they don't deserve to be part of society.Hmm And whilst we're at it, let's chuck in disabled people, people of colour and homosexuals for good measure.

PosieParker · 21/01/2012 19:03

Seriously samandi....I forget people think like you! At first it made me laugh, and then I felt really really sad.,

Original poster
PinkPeanuts · 21/01/2012 19:35

Thank you all for your lovely words, it's always nice to get an unbiased perspectIve! Oh and fear not Tapir, a verbal kick in the balls is exactly what he got! I'm no pushover and I won't be bullied by anyone least of all him. Part of the reason he hates me so much is because I threw him out simply because I won't have any man thinking they can bully me and shout at me in my own home. I cirtainly wont raise my child in that environment so he had to go.

OP posts:
NorthernWreck · 21/01/2012 20:35

Good luck OP-I am sure you will be a brilliant mum.

samandi · 22/01/2012 09:52

As for the benefits comment, I'm not into the demonising of people who claim benefits. We have a system in this country that is there to support people when they need it. For what it's worth, I've had a job since the week I left school and have worked every day ever since, paying my taxes when elegible so why shouldn't I be entitled to the support of a system i've payed into should I need it? And even if I hadn't payed into it for the last 10 years, should my child suffer because of a situation that I couldn't have known I was going to be in? Your logic is flawed on so very many levels.

I think benefits should be available to those in genuine need, not those who willingly put themselves into a situation to claim benefits. This is what happens with JSA (although there are many problems with that system too, obviously) ? if you resign from a job you are not entitled to benefit, whereas if you find yourself jobless through no action of your own you are entitled to benefit. I personally think the system for single parents claiming benefit should work in a similar way.

Your view of the world is very black and white. In reality, there are shades of grey and nobody should be vilified for the unexpected.

Hardly. I would argue that if you think yours is the only valid point of view that it is you who is guilty of black/white thinking.

Again, you talk about ?vilification? and ?demonising?. Where did I claim that single parents should be ?vilified? or ?demonised?? To glean that from my view that parents should think about how they are going to finance looking after a kid before they go ahead with having one is rather far-fetched.

Anniegetyourgun · 22/01/2012 09:58

It's a wee bit late for the OP to abort this baby at 31 weeks, so however eloquently you put your point it's all a bit academic at this stage, wouldn't you say?

samandi · 22/01/2012 10:00

It is well-known that pregnancy can act as a trigger for abusive men.

That?s true enough, but in many cases there are indications beforehand.

I completely agree, if a woman is duped into carrying the baby of someone she does not love or decides to parent without a man .....let's ensure both her and the child are punished for an eternity. I definitely think homelessness, starvation and generally living in absolute poverty is the only way to teach these slappers and their offspring that they don't deserve to be part of society. And whilst we're at it, let's chuck in disabled people, people of colour and homosexuals for good measure.

Here we go with the hysteria again. Time and time again I see threads on MN about abusive men, absent fathers etc. ... is it really too much to suggest that women are more responsible about who they have kids with? Apparently so Hmm

samandi · 22/01/2012 10:01

It's a wee bit late for the OP to abort this baby at 31 weeks, so however eloquently you put your point it's all a bit academic at this stage, wouldn't you say?

For the OP, yes.

Original poster
PinkPeanuts · 22/01/2012 10:27

samandi Exactly what qualifies you to decide that single parents by choice are not in genuine need? The fact that you believe it's as simple as terminating your pregnancy when your relationship does not work out is what draws me to the conclusion that you think in black and white. Personally, I take every situation on its own merit.

And yes, everything you have said supports the vilification and deminising of single parents. You may think that dressing it up in all manner of semantics makes it sound otherwise, but I'm yet to find someone on this thread that agrees with you.

Finally, if it helps you sleep at night, I have no intention of relying on benefits. I have a stable job that has enabled me to "about how they are going to finance looking after a kid before they go ahead with having one" and have saved my arse off to provide her with everything we both need. So don't worry, you tax payers money won't be going towards paying for my lack of responsibility about who I'm having a child with.

OP posts:
NorthernWreck · 22/01/2012 10:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

samandi · 22/01/2012 10:38

Alright OP, you think that people should be able to claim benefits when they have willingly put themselves in that position, I disagree and think it should be for genuine need. Having a child by yourself is often not a need, it is a desire.

I sleep very well at night thanks, and your personal circumstances don't affect that either way :-)

PosieParker · 22/01/2012 10:40

samandi, STOP reading the Daily Mail. Whilst there are a few girls who society has failed that want nothing more than a baby and their own place, most women find themselves as single parents because the alternative is unthinkable.

HardCheese · 22/01/2012 10:41

Pinkpeanuts, you sound very cool and together. Your daughter is lucky to have you as a mother. Congratulations on your pregnancy, and I wish you a great labour, attended by the supportive person you choose.

samandi · 22/01/2012 10:42

so rather than finding ways to make her feel like shit,

NorthernWreck, that was not my intention at all (as previously stated). If you want to post by all means do so, but ranting and swearing isn't the way to get across a point.

NorthernWreck · 22/01/2012 10:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

CrabbyBigbottom · 22/01/2012 10:51

Really uncalled for Northern - you may disagree (violently) with samandi's opinions, but she/he is expressing them reasonably and politely, so I don't think it warrants being repeatedly told to fuck off.

Wink
PleaseGetWell · 22/01/2012 10:57

OP, not sure whether it's already been said, but print off a recent pic of this man and have it in your notes with bold lettering to not, in any circumstance, allow him in whilst you're in labour.

Good luck.

PleaseGetWell · 22/01/2012 10:59

As an afterthought...

How on earth has yet another thread descended into benefit bashing?

How on earth does this help the OP?

PosieParker · 22/01/2012 11:04

This is what happens when we have times of hardship and a Tory government.

AfternoonDelight · 22/01/2012 11:08

OP, I don't think you're being unreasonable. The people in the delivery room need to be giving you lots of support and comfort - if the father of the child will not do that, then he doesn't need to be there.

I asked my DP what he thought about "seeing" the baby being born (he had strict instructions to remain north at all times) and he said it was more about being there for me during labour than it was about the baby, if that makes sense. Though he did very much enjoy having cuddles while I had tea and toast!

It's YOUR labour, and YOUR decision, being at the birth does not make him more of a father.

AThingInYourLife · 22/01/2012 11:14

Pontificating on all topic about who you think deserves "benefits" and who deserves punishment from society for making the wrong choices isn't about helping people, it's about forcing people to listen to your tedious, simplistic, uninformed opinions and displaying what you think is moral consistency but just comes across as spite.

Telling a woman in her final trimester that she should have had an abortion is appalling. There is nothing polite or reasonable about that.

Turning a thread where a worried pregnant woman us looking fir advice about a very real problem into one about your views on denying benefits to women who don't terminate pregnancies is just trolling and should have been ignored or deleted.

There must be something seriously wrong with a person who is so keen to coerce single mothers into abortion.