to wonder why some women who changed their surnames upon marriage can't understand why not all married women namechange?

[thomasbodley]

It's thank you letter time for Christmas presents and hospitality.

Literally every letter I've received has been addressed to "Mrs John Smith" or, at best, "John and Jane Smith". (Well, not quite, but you get the picture).

I've been married for years; my friends and family all know I didn't namechange upon marriage. So why do they insist upon using my married surname?

And AIBU to find it, well, downright rude of them to simply disregard my personal preference? I'd never address a letter to a married woman who'd taken her husband's surname by her maiden name, so why do these women think the same courtesies do not apply when addressing those women who haven't namechanged?

%$&(T)(&(_

I thought we'd kissed the last of these threads goodbye as soon as the last Christmas card was sent/received

But yeah...whatever

Oh goodness, surely not again?

What Worra said (as always). So, let's move on.

If they know you didn't take your DH's name then yes they are being rude... If they don't know then they are just following convention and are not being rude.

why only women?

If they all know full well what your surname is, that's downright rude.

However it does rather let you off the boring thank-you letters. Don't bother to contact the offenders, and when they ask where their thank-you letter is, you can cheerily reply that you couldn't be arsed, you'd noticed that they'd been rude enough to not even bother getting your name right, so you didn't think they'd mind a bit of ignorance in return.

Yawn!

If the sender knows you personally then I guess it could be seen as being a bit careless.

Don't think I'd get my knickers in a twist about it though.

I get your point buuuut... What would you rather if it is to both you and DH? Mr John Smith and Mrs Jane Brown? Or Ms Jane Brown? Or just John and Jane?

I had this conundrum recently sending a thank you card to some friends- they are married, kids have his name but she kept her name. In the end I just addressed it to the kids!

I'm going to disagree with the above posters

Why do some who choose to change their surname not respect those that choose not to/

I've seen posts from some who encounter this problem but never an answer to why.

Why post if you don't want to discuss? It is an issue for those of us with this problem. If you didn't change your name, you made an active choice not to be called 'Mrs DH', and you should not accept being called it. I have resorted to writing back to offending friends in their maiden name. Magically the problem was resolved.

Why don't you ask them?

This is not me being snarky it is a genuine question/suggestion.

Ask them.

Other people can't answer this question for you. They are doing it - they can.

They're probably just doing it to piss you off.

Did this myself the other day actually. Was the last card (of many) and I blanked on the second name totally. Husband and kids have same name so I say that one a lot, but not the wife's.

So it was a case of send the card with an incorrectly addressed envelope or not send the card saying thank you for a lovely gift in a timely manner. The former won because at the end of the day surely it's just an envelope.

They may have just forgotten or think you kept your surname for work but not for home, they may just be on a role with Mr & Mrs by the time they get to writing your card. I very much doubt that the addressing of your cards like this is a well thought out slight on your decision to keep your name, unless you have a wide circle of passive aggressive friends.

If you're that bothered speak to them about it, if not just forget about it and think how nice it is that you're getting thank you cards.

Meh - seem to be a lot of very sensitive people around this week, is it a post-Xmas blues or something?

I'm not a very regular MNer so didn't realise this particular topic had been done to death over Christmas.

A friend of mine once told me, "Changing your name is like having a fringe - you choose the style that suits you."

Well, I've chosen. It would just be nice if friends and family respected that decision...it just strikes me as very contemptuous of the choice I've made to continually ignore it, that's all.

It would be good to understand why these women do this - unless of course W0rmy is right .

I like the post from Crunchunderfoot best, but am very tempted to take JustHecate's* advice. Dare I start with MIL and SIL?

I would just adress it to one of you,
same as I do to unmarred people, can't be faffed with putting 2 names on the envelope, so would do it to who is my person family/friend obviously put both first names on card.

Incidentally what is the correct way to address an envelope to a family where the couple have different surnames? In the past I have either addressed it to the man only or to both of their first names only.

One day women will not accept being passed around as property. Then it will be incomprehensible why generations of women changed their name on marriage.

Bunbaker, I would just write it to "John Smith and Jane Jones" (if i was mainly friends with the man) or "Jane Jones and John Smith" (if I was mainly friends with the woman).

Bunbaker, it's usually 'Mr John Smith and Ms Jane Jones'. If you don't know whether someone uses 'Ms' or 'Miss', you drop the titles for both.

Years of working in direct marketing finally comes in useful

Only they know why they do it

But I'd bet good money on the fact it's just not 'up there' with things they're going to remember.

I wrote stacks of Christmas cards and Thank You cards. Most of the people I wrote them too were married. All of them took their DH's surname.

If amongst all those people there was one person who didn't, well shoot me...I forgot that!

If you don't know people's surname preferences, it's perfectly correct to use first names only for personal cards and letters.

I forgot to say that I don't know her surname, only his. I only know them as "John and Jane" so that is why I usually address the card to John and Jane.