to wonder why some women who changed their surnames upon marriage can't understand why not all married women namechange?

[thomasbodley]

It's thank you letter time for Christmas presents and hospitality.

Literally every letter I've received has been addressed to "Mrs John Smith" or, at best, "John and Jane Smith". (Well, not quite, but you get the picture).

I've been married for years; my friends and family all know I didn't namechange upon marriage. So why do they insist upon using my married surname?

And AIBU to find it, well, downright rude of them to simply disregard my personal preference? I'd never address a letter to a married woman who'd taken her husband's surname by her maiden name, so why do these women think the same courtesies do not apply when addressing those women who haven't namechanged?

My husband and I share the same name because we're a family. We have children between us and it's nice for us to all have the same name.

I don't think he'd give a shit about being called by my surname. I don't give a shit about being called by his.

I can't believe people really get angry about being accidentally called the wrong name. Whoopy shit!

Interesting that you sound so pissy in your post, then Florie. Also that you conflate sharing the same name with being a family.

Two people = one kid. You're sharing a child. What is the big deal with sharing a name?

Does the child cease to be your child because they have a different surname?

I hear you, OP, and several of my married friends report the same issue. I don't think it's trivial, and I too would find it insulting. My very, very longterm partner and I are thinking of marrying, and I feel sure that some of the less bright ILs will find it amusing to start addressing things to Mrs X, rather than Dr HardCheese. If so, I plan to return post with 'NOT KNOWN AT THIS ADDRESS' written on it in red pen.

We're also having a baby this spring, which - whether or not we are married - will have both our surnames, and I anticipate this is also going to require a lot of reinforcement to make it sink in with certain extended family members.

Of course not. It's just easier when you're married and you have children to have one family name. It's not sinister. It's convenient.

Do you cease to be a valid human being because you change your surname?

you can all have your surname then flo.

Ooh no jay. I wouldn't want to oppress my husband.

sarcastic but true!!

The ones that amuse me most are the Mysurnname-Yoursurnameses, some of them come out so awfully.

I didn't know the second names of a few of my female friends' DHs or partners so I sent things to Bob and Sue SuesSecondName. Only got one complaint, from my aunt's DH. They now get Jane and Fred FredsSecondName. I am known as a rabid feminist so I think people probably roll their eyes and ignore.

But seriously jay, I'd happily us all share my name. We had my husband's because it's a nicer name than my maiden name, and because it's traditional. I don't think that tradition is indicative of the superiority of the patriarch, and my expectation therefore to serve and be ruled by my husband. I wore a white wedding dress because they look nice and that's what people do, not because I was a virgin.

I see what you're saying Flo, but I think that changing your name has more far-reaching implications than a tradition of wearing a coloured dress. Depends a little on your personal situation perhaps.

The coloured dress signified something at one point, as did sharing a name. I suppose your viewpoint is whether you think those still assumptions still stand.

It's not even really that I mind anyone keeping their name. Why not? If you've had that name for twenty or thirty years and you're attached to it, then hang on to it. But there's no need to get your glasses all steamed up because someone gets your name wrong. I get my name spelled wrong ALL the time. It doesn't mean I am Flower.

They know how to spell my name perfectly, Florie.

They choose not to do it. In fact, they choose to use another name altogether.

Oh yes, and when you write, "It's not even really that I mind anyone keeping their name", you do know a lot of us are wondering why the hell you should mind what someone else chooses to call themselves, right?

Well, if you will get married, what d'you expect ?

YANBU, of course.

Brainwashed into it by societal pressure, mother .

Well yes, precisely. Why does anyone care what name anyone has? It shouldn't mean anything, unless you deliberately call yourself McBastardFace or something.

If it's being done deliberately TB then I see your point about getting annoyed. If it's an incorrect assumption though, balls to it. It's an impolite card, not a death threat.

The ones that amuse me most are those who change their names, some of them come out so awfully.

Like the bride at a wedding where I was a waitress dolefully telling her frinds she was now "Mrs Whiffy". I mean FFS why would you? Or my mum's friend Mrs Smellie. Or those women who end up called something daft like Jean Bean.

The point is, Florie, I'm bewildered by the psyschology of women who "deliberately" get it wrong.

I have friends who use one name for work and another for their personal life and that can be confusing if you don't know someone very well.

But when you've known someone for donkeys and you know what they're called, why would you call them something else? What is there to be gained by it?

Of course, their intention might be to deliberately piss me off, but really, in that case, why write a thank you letter at all?

I'm not even married but my ancient aunt thinks I am Missis Hisname Myname, because our children are Hisname Myname.

I let her - and nobody else - off the hook, partly because she is a 71 year old nun but more because she is one of the few people in the family who doesn't turn a hair at the fact my sister's children have two female parents

Anyone else I go livid at.

Yes I agree, that is puzzling, TB. Unless they don't mind thanking you if it means they get to have a little dig at you for not taking your husband's name? That is very rude, and it would make me cross too.

I don't understand the 'do it to annoy you' thing either. do people really think that might be the reason? i would think i annoy enough people already and so definitely wouldn't go out of my way to try

Perhaps I'm being exceptionally dim, but who knew you deserved a dig for not taking your husband's name?

Do you see women who haven't namechanged directing digs at women who have?

I changed my name when I got married, purely because my previous surname was a bit dull, and his was much cooler.

I then discovered nobody can spell it. So that annoys me. As does being "Mrs Hisfirstname Surname". That's just nonsense.

As did the double glazing company last week, sending the paperwork to "Mr Reticulum" even though he had had no dealings with them, and they weren't to know he even lives here.

But if I got too annoyed by all the idiots out there I'd be permanently fuming, so try not to let it worry you, and maybe return notes with maiden names, or the use of "Ms" - that would probably annoy them.