to wonder why some women who changed their surnames upon marriage can't understand why not all married women namechange?

[thomasbodley]

It's thank you letter time for Christmas presents and hospitality.

Literally every letter I've received has been addressed to "Mrs John Smith" or, at best, "John and Jane Smith". (Well, not quite, but you get the picture).

I've been married for years; my friends and family all know I didn't namechange upon marriage. So why do they insist upon using my married surname?

And AIBU to find it, well, downright rude of them to simply disregard my personal preference? I'd never address a letter to a married woman who'd taken her husband's surname by her maiden name, so why do these women think the same courtesies do not apply when addressing those women who haven't namechanged?

Shakirasma, I only have ONE NAME. MY NAME.

Would your husband be happy to answer to Mr Yourname?

I just assume people have taken their dh's name unless they tell me otherwise. And that has never happened.

For non-married people who live together I address envelopes to the person I know best and write both christian names inside.

Because Shaki not everyone makes that choice. So a woman who has NOT changed her name is NOT 'just as much Mrs Married Name' because that's not her name.

I heard a story once that a certain male MP called all women MPs 'Betty' because he couldn't be arsed to remember their real names. This is pretty much the same thing. If you don't know if someone has taken their DH name... then, er, don't call them by it! Ask or if that's too much effort just use first names. The card will still get delivered.

I base a lot of my conduct on what happens in the Sound of Music.

A woman can't go far wrong if she is close to Julie Andrews.

Blu, worra is not the only one. I said I would put the one i knew best first as well.

Is it mainly women that object to non-name changers or is it just that it tends to be women who write most of the Christmas cards / thank you cards so tend to be the ones who are getting it wrong? [massive generalisation emoticon]

I remember on Big Brother when Jade Goody's mother refused to say 'Shilpa' because she apparently couldn't pronounce it, and it was immediately (and quite rightly) called "racism".

Whereas there are women purporting to be my friends and family who refuse to address me by my own name, and yet don't realise this is sexism.

You could be right oranges. I'm referring back to my own experience, so am also guilty of generalisation.

Ahh right gotcha Blu sorry

Mocking jay, no he wouldn't, because he is a "smith" and that's that.

But he wouldn't give a toss if I hadn't changed mine, or if even now after 6 years of marriage I referred to myself as "jones"

And I wouldn't give a toss if I got a card addressed to Mrs "jones". I am both!

A name is just an identifying label, nothing more, nothing less.

...And a very pernicious form of sexism at that, given that it's coming from other women.

The OP states that it's 'friends and family who know full well I didn't change my name' who do this.

So it's not at all like someone who might not know what surname she uses or someone who doesn't know her well. That's fine, not a problem, presumably.

I think we all know what what OP dislikes is that these people seem to have an issue with her name choice and choose to voice it in a tiresome, rude, passive-aggressive way.

If that's the case, I'd pull them up no problem.

Yes to talking to MIL and SIL. Why not?

'Can I ask why you addressed our card with the wrong name? As I know that you know I don't use a married name, why would you choose to do that?'

Nowt wrong with that. If it were me I'd be really evil and cheerily say that as they weren't the only ones to get it wrong, DH and I had been discussing changing the whole family name to one - MINE.

I have a feeling that might certainly sort out the MIL/SIL issue.

A woman can't go far wrong if she is close to Julie Andrews

roar! :o

I also put the name of the person I know best/longest first now that I have dropped titles, in my example I put the mens names first, but wouldn't do so automatically.

I am also often surprised that when I get cards from families where I have known the woman for years they put their DH/DP's name first on signing the cards. I sign all cards as me, DH, DCs.

OK, Worra and mockingjay.
it was still most.

brown paper packages tied up in string...then they don't seeeeem so bad...

I always put my name first to my family and I have no idea what my husband does, lets hope he follows the example of Captain von Trapp

Shakirasma, why does DH get the distinction of 'he's a Smith and that's that'? That's exactly the attitude I would like to see for women. I'm a 'Jay' and that's that.

thomasbodley I have been married 28 years and didn't change my name. We eventually (both) double-barrelled. Our DCs all have a double-barrelled surname. Still there are members of the family on both sides who write to us as Mr & Mrs DHOldname. The stupid thing is that in day to day life all of us tend to use just my 'maiden' name.

It doesn't wind me up as much as it used to (beyond caring) but it does bug me when the children get cards addressed to Miss/ Master DHname. They've all been in the local paper for one reason or another with their name in full, and the aunt who is the worst offender has commented on the pictures, so it isn't as if she doesn't know. I get the impression she feels it was good enough for her sister (my MIL) so it should be good enough for me

DD1 is planning on getting married, and I was quite over Xmas to hear her BF say he was 'looking forward to being a "Myname"'. Their discussion has been which way round to put their names- hers then his, or his then hers . DS2 is also planning a wedding and is trying out different ideas for Their new name (GF estranged from her own father thinking of adopting her stepF's name.)

Whatever they decide I will be calling each couple by the name they choose, not the name I think they should use...

Re sexism: I'd assume from MIL and SIL that it was a passive-aggressive way of informing you that they don't appreciate you 'turning down' their surname, or (more sexist) they feel affronted at THEIR male relative not being granted the 'status' of having the entire family take his (i.e. their) name. All very HIS family versus YOUR family.

All a bag o'shite and, bottom line, taking a pop at you for a choice which isn't ANY of their business, which is rude.

Oh Crunch don't tempt me .

Passive aggression being what it is, I'm sure they'll come back to me with "I've never really thought about it."

Whereas clearly they have, because no-one could be quite so ignorant of my surname after this length of time.

Whatever they decide I will be calling each couple by the name they choose, not the name I think they should use...

Well said, Gladysleap.

I'm honestly mystified why some people don't realise this is simply good manners.

Then send them a thank-you with 'Mr & Mrs. Yourname' on the rear of the envelope.

Bet they'll mention it.

And then you can look a bit blank, and do a double take, and say, 'Oh! Yes! So I did. Do you know, I never really think about it. I did notice that you get it wrong too, all the time! I was actually saying to DH that so many people, even close family, get it wrong so much that we should all change to ONE name, if we did it would probably be mine though we think. Do you think that's a good idea, I mean, YOU always get my name wrong, do you think it would be easier for you if our whole family had my name instead of just me?' (innocent smile)

I reckon that would sort things out quick smart.

crunch stop making me larf, please, I'm busy getting my knickers into a twist because I have so much time on my hands to ponder sexism

Do it.

Your MIL will disappear up her own backside trying to find a reason to get a correctly-addressed communication to you as soon as she possibly can.

Christmas card addresses bother me not one whit. Cheques on the other hand....

I have spent hours of my life trying to sort out cheques/premium bonds etc made out tothe wrong name. I share initials (though not a surname) with my MIL so in one extreme case I just gave the cheque to her and asked her for the cash.