to wonder why some women who changed their surnames upon marriage can't understand why not all married women namechange?

[thomasbodley]

It's thank you letter time for Christmas presents and hospitality.

Literally every letter I've received has been addressed to "Mrs John Smith" or, at best, "John and Jane Smith". (Well, not quite, but you get the picture).

I've been married for years; my friends and family all know I didn't namechange upon marriage. So why do they insist upon using my married surname?

And AIBU to find it, well, downright rude of them to simply disregard my personal preference? I'd never address a letter to a married woman who'd taken her husband's surname by her maiden name, so why do these women think the same courtesies do not apply when addressing those women who haven't namechanged?

I decided to dispense with all titles on cards this year, apart from older family members. So people were addressed as either:

John Smith and Jane Jones
or John and Jane Smith if they have changed name.

We are constantly addressed as Mr and Mrs DH Surname when in fact I am Ms Ownsurname, it annoys a bit me but I am pretty sure it is just that people aren't sure rather than doing it to annoy. I hope so anyway. Even just the fact that it is still done by default annoys me though, I too look forward to the day when namechanging on marriage is no longer the default position for a woman.

My DH and I have different varients of the same surname - anyone au fait with Eastern European surnames will understand.. I know most of my friends / family try hard to even spell it and invariably he is refered to by the female version or we are Mr & Mrs (female version) - I think he's kind of accepted it and personally, I am not offended at all.. I'm more upset that people these days don't even bother sending Thank You cards so without going off subject just be pleased to have some lovely thank you cards !! AND, as think as others have suggested if it does bug you, just mention to friends / family that you would like to be addressed correctly - am sure people don't wish to deliberately offend.

Funnily enough, I don't get annoyed when people who don't know me very well get it wrong.

It just seems to be the same women who do it, year in and year out. Among them, MIL and SIL but by no means limited to them.

Is it a form of passive aggression? What do these women not approve of? It's obviously an active choice on their part to use another surname for me, right?

Because, OP, the conventions of patriarchy are deeply ingrained.
To the extent that most people on this thread would put the man's name first, or just address it to the man...many people just do these things because it seems like the 'right' thing to do. Without thinking - and even the fact that someone has taken a step away from patriarchal convention doesn't jog further thought.

My aunt addresses my sister and I by our DH / DP's name respectively even though she knows we do not have that name, because she thinks she is upholding something that is right, and we are tearing society apart in our immorality. Other people assume that good manners is folowing the out of date etiquette book rather than being good mannered enough to call someone by thier name, other's throw their hands up in horror, and say 'but I don't know what to doooooooo! 2 names are so complicated'

er, to clarify, my sister and I do not share one man...my post was badly written!

To the extent that most people on this thread would put the man's name first, or just address it to the man

How exactly do you know that Blu?

Personally I put the name of the person I'm closest to first.

So if it were my best friend and her DH, she's first.

If it were my brother and his wife, he's first.

I wish I had a life where I had time to worry abour shit like this!!

Really?????? Do you really need to ask why???

I dont give a shit who changes name or not. Perosnal choice but traditionally in this country this was the norm. It may not be now, but traditional thoughts are slow to die out.

By the time your grand-daughters get married most people will have cottoned on a bit more and not accept name changing as the completely normal regular thing to do.

Rome was not built in a day.

"Other people assume that good manners is folowing the out of date etiquette book rather than being good mannered enough to call someone by thier name"

This certainly makes sense on the part of the MIL. She is that type of person, definitely ;-)

Elefun,

Strange that you have the time to post, then

Blu

That's what gets me too... it's always the same ones, and they bloody well KNOW. For me, it is a couple of female friends I have known since junior school. It is an effort for me to remember they have changed their names (since they were 'maiden name' to me for so many years). So they actively have to THINK what my DH's name is, and are doing it as a statement that they think I am wrong to not change it. And I am not.

I might go with 'To the owners/occupiers' next year

Thought I would as you obviously have not grasped this concept form the previous million threads on this same topic.

Glad to be of service!!

I dunno, I don't have anything against married women exactly - quite a few of my good friends are married and changed their names - but at the end of the day, all you married women look the same to me. I can't really be arsed to remember who NC and who didn't.

Don't get your knickers in a twist, dear.

Elefun, it's not a small thing to post about. We're not bothered about the envelope - we're bothered that women are expected to shed their name (and with it the reputation they spent the first 20-30+ years of their life building). Oddly it seems to be other women that object to non name changers. Perhaps they wish they had had the balls to say no.

Claps mockingjay

I think i have posted this on another thread prior to this, but I have absolutely NO idea whether my cousins wives changed their names and my own closer family have just assumed they have, so i do address their cards/letters etc to MR and Mrs Smith - assuming their name was Smith, which it isn't, and I mean absolutely no offence by that. They may well have taken my cousins namesbut I haven't been told otherwise so there is no point getting so angry about something that other people may not even know about.

Oddly it seems to be other women that object to non name changers.

Yes, although no-one explictly "objects", do they? They just subtly imply contempt for your own personal choice by ignoring the fact that you've chosen to do something different.

Perhaps I should just return the favour and send letters to the MIL calling her 'Brian'.

Inside the cards I write their First names obviously, not necessarily the mans name first, but the children are written in age order because that's what happened in the sound of music

I kept my surname when I married - much to the surprise of some friends. One (A) told me that she thought I was hurting my husband's feelings. They all knew that I was keeping my name though. Whenever Friend A wrote to us, we were addressed as Britannia and John Green. When I mentioned it to her she changed it to Britannia, and John Green as if a comma would make a difference!

At a lunch with this group of friends, we were talking about name changing and one asked me why I hadn't changed mine. Fed up to the back teeth with it 13 years down the line, my riposte was, "Why did you change yours?" They all shut up then. After all, we don't have to, do we?

Does it really matter? It is still One of your names even if you choose not to use it.

There is not any form filling or process we go through to change surname when we get married, we simply choose to now use our husbands surname as our own.

I am just as much Mrs Married name (as stated on my driving licence) as I am Mrs Maiden name (as stated on my passport).

I can see it may be a bit annoying but really no biggie.

Agincourt, I don't think people are generally as bothered if the person may not know. The ones that really get my goat are the ones who KNOW but go right ahead anyway.

well i think it's different if people know but ignore it.

go for it thomasbodley

WorraLiberty - I know because most people on this thread who gave an example of what they write put the mans name first I have been back and counted.

Majority doesn't mean 'all' and of all the peope who gave an example of what they would write you are the only one who said you put the name of the one you know best first.

Agincourt

Shakira - it only matters insofar as the mis-addressing sometimes seems like a deliberate attempt to thwart my decision to choose what I decide to call myself. As if they know best, IYSWIM.

Ironically, DH couldn't care less, but his family all seem to have AN OPINION which apparently they dare not voice explicitly.