to wonder why some women who changed their surnames upon marriage can't understand why not all married women namechange?

[thomasbodley]

It's thank you letter time for Christmas presents and hospitality.

Literally every letter I've received has been addressed to "Mrs John Smith" or, at best, "John and Jane Smith". (Well, not quite, but you get the picture).

I've been married for years; my friends and family all know I didn't namechange upon marriage. So why do they insist upon using my married surname?

And AIBU to find it, well, downright rude of them to simply disregard my personal preference? I'd never address a letter to a married woman who'd taken her husband's surname by her maiden name, so why do these women think the same courtesies do not apply when addressing those women who haven't namechanged?

I think children often take their father's name because a) it's tradition (whatever that means - why is there any significance or particular value in the fact other people have done it before?) and b) they want the man to feel ownership over the children. Pop psychology perhaps!

It is like the bride being 'given away' awful

I have always assumed that when this happens to me it is a genuine mistake or someone being unsure and going for the conventional option. Surely no one would be rude enough to do it on purpose.

Then, a couple of years ago I was chatting to a married and namechanged friend about the fact that I hadn't changed mine and that people frequently did get it wrong but I was sure it wasn't on purpose, etc. She looked a bit embarrassed and said her sister had kept her own surname and they all thought it highly amusing to wind her up by addressing her as Mrs Husbandsurname. My friend is a lovely person too and I'm sure would not have intended to hurt. I did suggest that she ought to think twice about it, it has never been mentioned again. It has made me realise it really is a minefield.

I'm not bothered what other women do. You either keep your "maiden" name which is your father's name or you take your husband's. Either way you've got a man's surname.

Or if your mum wasn't married or kept her maiden name and gave that to you, it was still your granddad's family name wasn't it?

Why not break free and completely change your surname by deed poll to something completely different, start from scratch?

Good point mockingjay .

For those of you who marry, but choose not to take your DH's surname, do your children have your name, his name or a combination? And how do you reach that decision?

I fully respect my friends' decisions and hopefully always address them in the way in which they want to be addressed but it does amuse me that in all cases (except one) where the wives have kept their own name the children have taken the father's surname.

Ragowrt, mine will have a combination. I assume they will drop one part or other of the hyphen (if they want) when it is no longer important that they are immediately associated with both Mum and Dad (international travel when young etc).

Fair point Lonnie, it is definitely rude of people not to respect the right of someone to choose their own name!

I think you summed it up nicely thomasbodley, when you said it's annoying that some people think they know better than you what your name ought to be! Whatever your chosen name is.

I never changed my name but can happily accept the fact that although its becoming more common society has not caught up yet.

The children's surname is a different matter though. Our DCs have DH's surname but we didn't just do that for tradition. Our names do not double barrel well. DH's is more unusual and much nearer the beginning of the alphabet, both have to be spelled out to most people but his is shorter and easier. I am the primary carer, people know I am their mother even with different surnames, especially as that scenario is more and more common nowadays. Whereas if their surname was different to DH's people may assume they are not his.

What do they do in Iceland? In Iceland you take your father's name at birth if you are a boy, and your mother's name if you are a girl, so a family of mum dad and one boy and one girl -- all four have different surnames.

I'm off to reseearch

"Genuine question - why is it seen as keeping your own identity if you are intent on keeping your father's name rather than taking your husband's name?"

it is my identity because it is the name i was given at birth. in the same way that i was given my first name at birth.

the fact that my first name is french, and i am irish, doesn't make it any less 'mine'. equally the fact that my second name came from my father doesn't make it any less mine.

frankly it doesn't matter to me where my second name came from - what matters to me is that all my life i have been known as e.g. mary murphy and that is part of my identity. to change it to mary smith would, for me, be unthinkable. mary smith would have no connection to me. to change a second name seems to me as odd a thing to do as changing a first name in after 30 years.

having said that i have absolutely no problem with other people changing their names - first or second - their name, their choice. lots of my friends have changed their names on marriage. i might think it's odd but it's up to them and i will address them by their chosen name.

We decided to give DD DH's last name because he is German and we live in Germany. I hope it will save her having to spell it out constantly and prevent her having those panicky moments in waiting rooms where you try to guess if the name just called was in fact a mangled pronounciation of your own . If we lived in the UK she would have been given my surname for the same reasons.

I can't help thinking that some (British) people deliberately call me Mrs DHname and I don't really understand why. I distinctly remember having several conversations with friends at our wedding about me keeping my name and yet, two months later when DD was born, virtually all the cards were addressed to Mr and Mrs DHname.

Otoh, every German I've met who knows I am not called Frau DHname is very careful to use my real name. I have even had apologies from people who know me as DD's mum and have therefore assumed (reasonably, imo) that I am Frau DDname.

I don't think it's passive aggressive, it's just that sometimes I get confused.

A friend of mine is Jane Ownsurname at work, but Mrs DHname on say, prescriptions. On Christmas cards I address them to John and Jane DHname because I got the impression that in private life she is Mrs DHname and Ms Ownname at work. If I still worked with her I would call her Jane Ownsurname. She has never corrected me so I am assuming it's OK

I don't think it's ignorance or passive aggressive or making a point. I think it's just people don't know or get confused or think maybe they only use that name for work etc. I honestly don't think it's making a point when people address cards wrong.

this wouldn't offend me particularly from friends or acquaintances (although i'd think them a bit sloppy for not checking my name - it's only a quick phone call or email).

but, if it's your MIL/SIL then almost certainly a passive aggressive thing. sadly, i know from personal experience that some people do take it as a slight to the family if you don't adopt their darling DS's name on marriage.