to wonder why some women who changed their surnames upon marriage can't understand why not all married women namechange?

[thomasbodley]

It's thank you letter time for Christmas presents and hospitality.

Literally every letter I've received has been addressed to "Mrs John Smith" or, at best, "John and Jane Smith". (Well, not quite, but you get the picture).

I've been married for years; my friends and family all know I didn't namechange upon marriage. So why do they insist upon using my married surname?

And AIBU to find it, well, downright rude of them to simply disregard my personal preference? I'd never address a letter to a married woman who'd taken her husband's surname by her maiden name, so why do these women think the same courtesies do not apply when addressing those women who haven't namechanged?

My MIL does it deliberately because she believes I should have taken my husband's surname and she has no qualms about pointing it out every time she writes to me. I think it's very bad manners; you should respect someone else's decision not try to force your own views onto them.

She also thinks it's my job to organise my husband as though he is a child, and if he fails to do something, it is, of course, my fault.

Well, I certainly wouldn't have a dig at you for not changing your name. I think anyone who would, would be being pretty damn petty.

Well, on a slightly tangential note, I bloody love your username *EndoplasmicReticulum".

I never get annoyed at ignorance...names are confusing and controversial things, as this thread (and the entire babyname forum) proves.

I get annoyed when people - family and so-called friends - are so arrogant they think they know what my name ought to be.

When i got married two of my SILs cornered me to demand why I wasn't taking the family name.

At least it made it simpler when we got divorced. Even tho ex h has now remarried I still get cards etc addressed to Mrs exh surname - this is when my email and facebook name is clearly Ms Sincitylover.

One of my childhood friends also does this too. Another sends it too Ms Sincitylover-exhsurname

Baffles me and yes I think it is them being passive agressive.

My dcs do have exh surname tho.

Even my mother can't accept I was never a Mrs and sometimes sends letters to M/s Sincitylover.

Although I wanted to be married I never wanted to be a Missus iykwim. For me it was the fact that I'd had my name for 30 years and didn't fancy losing it or being defined by my exh name.

Rabbitfeet You have my sympathy. The great irony in all this is that, all things considered, my MIL is mostly all right.

Also many teachers at DS2 secondary school refer to me as Mrs ds2surname - sometimes I correct them and sometimes just swallow it. One teacher (who was a very rude and vile individual) said 'whatever!' when I said I was Ms Sincitylover.

YANBU. I'm a non changer and it pisses me right off that women think they have a right to judge me and my choices.

I don't understand why people think one family should equal one name. Marriage doesn't mean giving up part of your identity.

sincitylover it is passive aggressive.

My mil said to me on the phone last night 'shall I put you down as Piggy?' to which my retort was 'why? Have I changed my name?'

Argh! And I thought she was alright with it.

I honestly don't have a view on namechanging itself - each to his or her own, I say. My friends have every permutation of namechange and not-namechange that you can imagine.

It's just so f*cking rude and - at least in my own experience - you only ever see this rudeness from married women who have namechanged. No single friend of mine has ever made this "mistake" for example.

What annoys me here is that you are assuming that people do so

purposely and only if they chose to change their name.

I changed my name when I married. My maiden name was a rude word in English it was wonderful to become Mrs Perfectly normal to spell name. I haven't regretted it ever.
I changed it because I prefered HIS name to mine..

Not because I am his property

Not because I am something that's passed on

Because " I" liked it.

Now our best man double barrelled their surnames.
Usher Wife changed for everywhere bar work
brother Wife didn't change
My mother kept her married name when she and my father divorced 36 years ago, she has lived with my step father since them (her reason - she likes the name - that is not a rude word in Danish)

I use what is appropriate for each. That is what I expect and yes I think you should expect so as well, yes there is an element of rudeness in it. (it can also be forgetfulness and it can be they feel it is polite unless you ask them you wont know)

However in the future.
As you are expecting me to have respect for YOUR choice (and I would show it by using the name appropriate)
Please have respect for my choice to change.
Don't assume I did not think about anything Don't assume I did so out of some old-fashioned etiquette and do not assume that I feel smug and better than you because I did so.

In short show me the respect for my choice that you wish to be shown for yours.

your follow up posts do not show such to me.

In short show me the respect for my choice that you wish to be shown for yours

My goodness, what a lot you seem to have inferred.

EVERYTHING in your post reveals a great deal about your insecurities. Try reading the post immediately above yours for a start.

I did read the post in front of mine it implies that married women who named changed are incapable of remembering non name change women's names.

As I said that is not the case with all. I stand by all I said.

WHEREdid I say that changing name implied "property"?

WHERE did I say "something that's passed on"?

WHERE did I say I didn't respect your decision to change your name?

Gosh, all of a sudden I've learned an awful lot about you, and I feel terribly sorry for you.

Learn to read.

I said "some" women in the thread title. Apparently you're not one of those women.

Genuine question - why is it seen as keeping your own identity if you are intent on keeping your father's name rather than taking your husband's name?

I really don't have any strong feelings one way or the other - as another poster said, your name does not define who you are. In my first marriage I insisted on keeping my 'maiden' name but by the time I got married again I was far more relaxed about what I called myself - incidentally I have never been known by the surname on my birth certificate - and it has never caused any legal or other problems at all.

I am fully capable of reading. no where in my post did I say it was "you" who had said all you mention above. It has however all been said in this thread.

First World problem. What's in a name anyway.

I don't really consider it in terms of "identity" in the philosophical sense, Ragwort, though I know some people do.

I just like my name and that's what I'd like to be called. When I meet people, I usually ask them their name and what they'd prefer to be called.

Just good manners, surely, but they seem to be beyond some people.

Also why do the children have their dads name most of the time?

Lonnie, I would never address you as anything but what you wanted to be addressed as. And the issue would ONLY ever be brought up if you didn't respect my choice, or if you brought it up.

Ragwort, why does your husband get his own name? Surely you mean your husband's father's name

It isn't my father's name. It is my name, the name I have had since birth.

Lonnie, I think the point many people are making is that it's YOUR choice whether to keep your maiden name or take your husband's name.

You aren't being judged for taking his name and you don't have to justify it - The point is that it is rude when people DELIBERATELY address you by the wrong name. I know my MIL does it deliberately as I've mentioned it numerous times and it fits with a whole pattern of behaviour of judgement and criticism. What a cliche!

Another one from my MIL: it's my fault if my husband doesn't write 'thank you' cards etc - For my birthday she sent me an address book, along with a list of addresses of 'our side of your family', so it's my job to sit him down like a child and make sure he writes his cards or I am a bad wife! Welcome to the 1950s!

Snap, mockingjay. As I said at the beginning of a thread, I wouldn't dream of using a friend's maiden name if I knew she had changed; upon marriage. I just don't understand why it's somehow acceptable not to show the same courtesy back.

It does come from a time when the wife was considered property of her husband and had no rights of her own. They don't do this afaik in Italy or Spain. In modern life it is tradition nothing else and is completely pointless

Mockingjay Plenty of posts on this topic suggests others would not do so and that it is only women who named changed who will not respect such things. (something I have not experienced personally I have seen it in both name changers , non name changers and single people female and males)

What I object to is the generalisation. Ultimately that is what OP is objecting to being generalised. However apparently this makes me insecure (I did have a good laugh at that one - I must show my friends wonder if I can get counselling)