in telling my friend her dh is not welcome in my house (long, sorry)

[tiredlady]

I have a lovely friend who is married to a complete twat. He is the laziest wanker I have ever had the misfortune to come across. He does NOTHING and I mean NOTHING in the house or with the kids. They have 4dc and he has never fed a child,changed a nappy, got up in the night etc. He has never cooked a meal, ironed a shirt, packed his own suitcase. He also doesn't even do any of the other jobs that may be perceived as more "manly" eg DIY, mowing the lawn, shifting heavy furniture. My friend does EVERYTHING.

She would have it that this is the life she wants. She says she loves doing things for people, would never want him to help her in the house, and says she is totally happy in their relationship. Fair enough. Each to their own. It's her life.

My problem is when they come to visit. They moved from my town a year ago and now live 5 hrs drive away, therefore we can hardly just meet up for a day. . When they last come he went out with some old friends, came crashing back to ours a 4am blind stinking drunk and spent the whole of the next day in bed.My friend took food up to him and he didn't resurface till evening.

Another day (they stayed for a week) my friend went out to visit an old work colleague leaving me with her dc. With my dc there were 7 kids altogether and it was chaotic. I had the kids all morning and as it was pissing down with rain we couldn't really leave the house. He stayed in bed the whole time my friend was out, not leaving the room once so not having to even see his kids at all, and didn't come down till she returned (I am not moaning about looking after her kids btw, they are gorgeous) Whenever I cooked dinner for them he would eat it in silence and never say "thanks, that was nice" When they left he just got in the car and didn't even say goodbye, let alone "thanks for having us"

So my problem is this. She would like to come and visit and I would love her and the dc to come. However how do I get it across to her that I really don't want her dh to ever set foot in my house again. I felt as if he was treating my house like a hotel and it's just not on.
I tired telling her to come when her dh is at work but she thinks he would like to come and visit as it's a chance for him to meet up with his old friends as well. She is absolutely lovely and she knows I think their relationship is odd. However telling her I don't want her dh in my house feels very very personal and I don't want to upset her.
What do I do.
Sorry this is so long

Oh dear. Have you been friends long enough that you could say you appreciate that he's this way at home but you're not ok with that? What do you think she'd say?

Hmm yanbu re the dh but I am unsure how saying you want her not him (given you seem to have already raised it suggesting she come without) is not going to be awkward.
Can you call him on behaviour - ie get him out of bed, double lock door if comes in late. Ok guests are allowed some leeway but he takes the piss by sounds of it

I have a similar problem. My closest friend is married to a nobhead that I cannot bear to be in the company of - he treats her like shit and creates problems wherever he goes.
You'll just have to find a way to tolerate him otherwise it will put your friend into a horrible position.

How about meeting up for girl time in a spa. Sounds like she needs a break.

I think you should accept him coming to stay one more time on the whole, ignore him to the extent possible...sounds like he keeps a low profile anyway as regards his other behaviour, can absolutely put down boundaries like please come home by midnight because last time you woke the whole house at 4am/please don't come to our home really drunk. The reason i advise this is that falling out with somene's other half is the easiest way to ruin a friendship and it sounds as though you love this friend and her kids.

As far as the rest if their relationship goes, not your business. She's half of the marriage too, and if she's happy with their split of responsibility/parenting, that's her choice.

Could you go to her instead? Admittedly this still means you have to be in the presence of this wanker of a man but at least you would not be having to host him in your own house.

Failing that I think you'll have to set some boundaries, e.g. no crashing in at 4 a.m., the chain goes on at [x] and that's that. Likewise you can't look after all 7 dc on your own so if she can't meet up with colleagues because her husband is too useless to look after his own children, that's tough, she'll have to make do.

Alternatively, could you make up a reason why they can't stay with you and instead they could stay in a hotel for a few nights? At least then when he's treating it like a hotel .. well, it will be. And you won't have to see it.

Quite a lot of your post is making a call on stuff that's private to them really.

It's up to her whether she skivvies for her DH, whether she gives him a bollocking for doing fuck all round the house, what time he decides (as an adult) to get out of his pit.

I totally understand you not wanting him to visit, but how can you tell her without getting her back up?

Has she ever complained to you about him?

Can they not stay elsewhere if they come up? Maybe a b&b if not with someone else? That way you can still see your friend and her DC whilst avoiding having to spend loads of time with her partner. It sounds as though if he had somewhere else to stay you wouldn't see much of him anyway.

Unfortunately they are hard up so a hotel would be out of the question. I can try with the boundaries, but how do you say to an adult that's it's rude to accept someone's food without saying thankyou?
Actually I don't see a way round that. I'm just going to have to put up with his twattish behaviour aren't I?

Wanker

He sounds ghastly. You could try saying something like, "I only feel I can say this because we are such good friends, but last time GhastlyH stayed here rarely spoke to me/rolled in shitfaced/lounged in bed all day. Is it likely to happen this time? Because I didn't enjoy it very much to be honest"

Unfortunately you do have to put up with him because she has chosen to. And to tell her that you despise him and won't have him in the house will not only mean she no longer comes to visit, but is also potentially cutting off a source of support for her if his behaviour becomes unbearable to her: she will feel unable to turn to you because she will think that you despise her for sticking with him. I'd say try to keep the visits short, not a whole week's worth.

(All I can say is, this bloke must have a diamond-plated willy or something).

I would tell her the truth. If she wants to let her husband treat her like a skivvy, then it's her prerogative, but it's a bit much to expect you to put up with being treated like one by her husband.

She's probably either so used to this that she no longer sees it and therefore has lost all sense of appropriate behaviour, in which case she could do with someone waking her up, or she is embarrassed by him, so covers it up by saying she is happy. That being the case, telling her gently that you won't tolerate it, might be the spur to her taking action.

It might be that in saying something, she will distance herself from you and take the part of her husband. People don't like their choices to be criticised, but I would not be prepared to put up with this arse in my house, even if it cost me my friend.

Alternatively have you tried the "my house, my rules" approach with him? You will get up before ten, you will get home before midnight, you will pull your weight or go find a B&B.
Otherwise I'm with Karma.

Just because she lets him away with crap like that doesn't mean you have to. I'd tell her he is behaving like a spoilt little shit and if he can't say a simple thank you after you cooking a meal and letting him stay then I'd just give her your honest opinion about him.

I honestly don't think she realises how rude he is. She will always joke about what a lazy arse he is, but how she likes it really. However I really don't think she has any concept of how ill mannered he is. I think if I told her she would be upset or would try to justify his actions. I love her dearly but she is very blinkered and won't see any wrong in him. Even though he is highly neglectful and dismissive of his kids, and she readily acknowledges this, ( he won't speak to them and certainly would never play with them) she maintains he is her perfect man. It's all a bit fucked up really

You say honey you and the children are more than welcome you know I love you, but your husband I cannot abide his rudeness in my own house and he makes me feel uncomfortable, so can you just come alone this time?

Tell her.

TBH from what you've said about him, it sounds as if HE didn't want to visit YOU. I don't mean that in a nasty way but as if he wasn't enjoying the visit and was behaving in an avoiding way.
This is more than a bit passive-aggressive but you could say 'How about you and the kids come as I don't think enjoyed his last visit'. If she asks you why you think that then you can say what was strange about his behaviour and that it made you uncomfortable.

I suppose I either put up with his occasional presence in my house or lose a good friend. No contest really, but fucking hell it grates!!!!
Wanker!

If he stayed here and came back drunk at 4 am he would have slept on the pavement! I would praise any child who said thank you and say "isn't it lovely when they are polite enough to say that after a meal". I wouldn't let him stay in bed. I'd send all 7 kids to bounce in his room. Even better if you have a dog.
He appears to have no people skills be a rude fucker you can't expect to change him completely but you can outline what you will and won't tolerate.

Invite him. Next time he stays in bed when the kids are up. wake him up just say you assumed he'd want to know his kids were running riot/ he must have overslept his clock. If that doesn't work never invite them again

It's not for a friend to pass judgement on a DP karma, if they still want to be their friend that is.

Would you really tell a friend you wouldn't tolerate their DP getting up late, or them taking him up something to eat when they're under your roof??

Talk about stepping over the guest/host boundary.

'my house, my rules'

'You will get up before ten, you will get home before midnight'

Same goes for this

In the first part of your post I thought you were describing my dad. He didn't do much at all round the house or with the harder parts of our childcare. But he would never be as rude as this woman's husband sounds when staying as a guest somewhere, he is usually the life and soul of any meal or gathering!

Anyway, back to your friends DH. I don't think you can ban him if you want to see and stay friends with your friend but couldn't you just pull him up on his behaviour while in your house? Ask him if the meal was ok if he says nowt, wake him up and tell him he needs to help with kids if your mate isn't about, ask him why he is so rude all the time. I think that is how I would deal with it, mind you I'd prob need a few glasses of wine to ask him about his rudeness but would do it.

What'sTrumps - I like your idea. It seems less confrontational but still gets the message across.
The problem with telling her outright what my problem is, is that she would probably tell him. I would never be able to visit her again and he probably wouldn't let her come here again

OP isn't telling the friend how her dh should behave towards the friend
she doesn't think he should behave that way towards her. Totally her right.

Trumps idea is a good one, thats the way to go.