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AIBU?

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Original poster

in telling my friend her dh is not welcome in my house (long, sorry)

140 replies

tiredlady · 13/01/2012 21:18

I have a lovely friend who is married to a complete twat. He is the laziest wanker I have ever had the misfortune to come across. He does NOTHING and I mean NOTHING in the house or with the kids. They have 4dc and he has never fed a child,changed a nappy, got up in the night etc. He has never cooked a meal, ironed a shirt, packed his own suitcase. He also doesn't even do any of the other jobs that may be perceived as more "manly" eg DIY, mowing the lawn, shifting heavy furniture. My friend does EVERYTHING.

She would have it that this is the life she wants. She says she loves doing things for people, would never want him to help her in the house, and says she is totally happy in their relationship. Fair enough. Each to their own. It's her life.

My problem is when they come to visit. They moved from my town a year ago and now live 5 hrs drive away, therefore we can hardly just meet up for a day. . When they last come he went out with some old friends, came crashing back to ours a 4am blind stinking drunk and spent the whole of the next day in bed.My friend took food up to him and he didn't resurface till evening.

Another day (they stayed for a week) my friend went out to visit an old work colleague leaving me with her dc. With my dc there were 7 kids altogether and it was chaotic. I had the kids all morning and as it was pissing down with rain we couldn't really leave the house. He stayed in bed the whole time my friend was out, not leaving the room once so not having to even see his kids at all, and didn't come down till she returned (I am not moaning about looking after her kids btw, they are gorgeous) Whenever I cooked dinner for them he would eat it in silence and never say "thanks, that was nice" When they left he just got in the car and didn't even say goodbye, let alone "thanks for having us"

So my problem is this. She would like to come and visit and I would love her and the dc to come. However how do I get it across to her that I really don't want her dh to ever set foot in my house again. I felt as if he was treating my house like a hotel and it's just not on.
I tired telling her to come when her dh is at work but she thinks he would like to come and visit as it's a chance for him to meet up with his old friends as well. She is absolutely lovely and she knows I think their relationship is odd. However telling her I don't want her dh in my house feels very very personal and I don't want to upset her.
What do I do.
Sorry this is so long

OP posts:
kittensmakemesqueee · 14/01/2012 02:43

You know thinking on it a bit- if my dh was a total arse and I had a chance to visit my friend without him (and since he does fuck all to spend time with me anyway) I would probably jump at the chance to go without him.

So maybe all your hints about coming alone are not going unnoticed OP... Maybe your friend isn't allowed to go with out him? As it's a free holiday with his old friends, why wouldn't he insist on going? She might not be able to explain to him that she wants to go alone.. or he may not care

yellowraincoat · 14/01/2012 03:42

I'm not really sure I understand why you can't just tell her straight. Anyone who's a good enough friend to be staying over in my house is a good enough friend to be told I don't like their partner.

yellowraincoat · 14/01/2012 03:44

And as for passive aggressive - honestly, that stuff will just end up winding YOU up instead. As you push for a reaction, you'll find yourself getting frustrated that the reaction is too slow, not big enough, whatever. Just tell your friend in a polite way that his behaviour is rude and you don't want it in your house.

buggyRunner · 14/01/2012 06:18

I think he doesnt see you as a 'friend' just a maid/ nanny.
I would say to your friend you want them to visit BUT you would like to spend more family time together with them.
1 night- so you can get him out of bed when yhou clean the room at 10- if they don t like it then tough.
TBH- I do not think that 'a chance to meet with his old friends' isnt a good reason to visit YOUR home if you arent doing that together. Its the same as me visiting my friend in London for the weekend as I want to see the palace- no mention of my friend. If this was the case- why bring the children?

BeattieBow · 14/01/2012 07:17

you can't say anything, and I know this from experience. My sister's partner is the laziest man I have ever met. last time I was with them, I said something sarcastic to him before I could stop myself, and it went down like a lead balloon. I had to apologise to him (for her sake, not because I was wrong) - she made it clear she wasn't happy with my comments, and wasn't going to stand up for me (she could have made it easier by laughing/agreeing and she didn't!). it didn't go down well at all.

had I not been tired/stressed/losing my temper I wouldn't have said anything. And I won't again.

JellyMould · 14/01/2012 07:33

If he wants to visit to see old friends, can you suggest he stayswith those friends instead, so they all come down together but don't stay together?

lottiegb · 14/01/2012 07:35

Could you and she meet somewhere half-way between you for a day out?

TubbyDuffs · 14/01/2012 07:46

What Jellymould said.

Also, if left with his children again, I would arrange to go out (no matter what the weather) with mine, and go in get him up with his kids and tell him you are going out, and he has to sort his own children out. Even if I was only out for a walk round the block just to get him up. On return I would make damn sure he knew that it was his job to look after his kis not mine!

As for the coming in late drunk, I would suggest he stay with his friends who he is out drinking with.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/01/2012 07:47

YANBU. I think it's a straight choice. You either tell your friend that, much as you like her, the whole family is not welcome to stay because of the behaviour of her husband .... or you put up and shut up for the sake of your friendship. She's being crapped on from a great height, pretending to be fine about it and, if you did draw a line in the sand and she started to lose friends, she may start to realise his behaviour is not normal.

BTW... I think a house-guest who disappears off leaving a husband in bed and dumping four children on someone else is not all that considerate herself. Remember that perhaps.

lottiegb · 14/01/2012 08:13

I do think you should suggest he stays with his friends, as their activities are more compatible. The 4am thing is way beyond anything else he did, as it actively caused you problems, rather than just failing to participate normally.

Maybe you could ask your friend to tell you more about what he likes doing, as you felt he didn't really enjoy himself last time and were wondering how to make him feel more included?

If he doesn't know the difference between staying with people and at a hotel though, I don't think he's going to learn now. You either have to tolerate for the sake of the friendship or accept you'll lose some contact with the friend.

Thumbwitch · 14/01/2012 09:36

I like the idea of suggesting he should stay with the friends he went partying with - you could just say that if he wants to stay out until 4am again, it might be easier for him to crash at one of their houses, rather than having to find his way back to yours and it would be less disruptive to your DC (especially if it's a school night).
That might at least get around one problem you had last time but won't improve his basic manners. :(

sunshineandbooks · 14/01/2012 10:06

Difficult. I probably wouldn't call him on his boorish behaviour because he is a guest (unless it went to extremes, e.g. swearing or being downright abusive to his wife).

However, I most definitely would call him on lying in bed while his DC run around downstairs. I am shocked that people think this is ok. My friends and I will do this with each other's DC but never without checking that it is ok beforehand. I would never dream of presuming that I could just lie in bed until mid-afternoon and make my DC someone else's responsibility. That is beyond rude and downright irresponsible.

sharenicely · 14/01/2012 10:23

If they live a 5 hour drive away how did you manage to bump into her at her local shops 2 weeks after her c section?

sharenicely · 14/01/2012 10:25

Sorry just re-read, they moved a year ago.

BettySuarez · 14/01/2012 10:49

I am still a bit saddened by the number of people who are saying that this problem needs to addressed by speaking to the wife

It's not her problem is it? And I do think she has enough to contend with as it is without this additional burden being added.

Why is it always the responsibility of the woman to mop up the emotional complications of other people's lives?

It is him you have a problem with (her apparent 'acceptance' of his twatishness is neither here nor there), so you should approach him and make this HIS problem rather then HERS

pigletmania · 14/01/2012 10:51

Not really betty the woman is the op friend not her dh! There is nothing wrong with telling her that you would rather see her and the dc's and not her h, like another poster has said who was in the same position as the friend, sometimes you need to hear it from other people.

Anniegetyourgun · 14/01/2012 11:45

The first time anyone woke my DC at 4am through being drunk and disorderly would be the last time. If he can't have any consideration for the adults in a household where he is a guest - and mind you I'm not keen on being woken unnecessarily either - he can at least have a bit of consideration for the children. I might have confronted him in dressing gown and slippers at the top of the stairs in such a situation, but would probably have regretted it in the morning!

I think it would have to be a letter or phone call to the friend saying look here, I love you and I love having you and the children to stay but I really cannot be doing with people coming in drunk after midnight, it is Just Not On. Up to her whether this meant she didn't visit, didn't visit with him, or undertook to make sure he bloody behaved like a civilised human being in future. I can't imagine anyone being a close enough friend to let that kind of behaviour go on under my roof. (To be fair, I am excessively territorial. I even hate my sons' perfectly nice, well-behaved friends staying over, but of course I do let them.)

KatieScarlett2833 · 14/01/2012 11:53

I would have told them at the time.

I would also have put this kids in the room he was hiding in, repeatedly, until he got his lazy arse up.

Lots of people stay here, no one would ever dare treat me/my house like that.

Hullygully · 14/01/2012 11:54

I couldn't do it.

I would explode on day 2.

Hullygully · 14/01/2012 11:55

Also, I would find it very difficult to be friends with someone who let their arsewipe wanker shitface husband carry on like that. I owuld have NO respect for them/ or recognise that they needed emergency psychiatric intervention. Either way, we couldn't have a friendship of equals.

sparkle12mar08 · 14/01/2012 11:59

I'd corner him somewhere and have a hissed little word in his ear frankly. I'd tell him that he may be able to walk all over his wife but he's in my house now and he'd better shape the fuck up or I'll have his balls on a plate. He's a spineless coward and there's no way he'll tell his wife so I think you're fine to tell him you've got his number.

ChickensGoMeh · 14/01/2012 12:04

I would have to kill him. I couldn't have him in my house again, that's for sure. Unless he was useful, such as foundations for the patio.

Dozer · 14/01/2012 12:08

If might have them to stay, and put up with the dh (tho not late nights / drunkenness, would have to say something about that the next morning), but for 2/3 nights, not any longer.

In reality, the friendship is likely to drift anyway, as you will always have to host him and tolerate him, and 5 hours is a v long way (we moved that distance, and are finding it very hard indeed to stay in touch with / see friends).

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 14/01/2012 12:26

I feel your pain - but....

You clearly love your friend and want to see her - she doesn't see his behaviour as a problem and so anything you say is going to upset & hurt her and possibly alienate her.

I think it's incredibly rude to do as others have suggested and give adult visitors rules about when they get up, saying thank you etc Beyond rude.

Clearly he is all the things you have called him & more and I wouldn't want him to come and stay either - however, if it was my friend I would tolerate him coming if it was the only way to see her (& keep a lifeline open to her - she will need one!).

I would have offered (or agreed to) look after her children for her if I was prepared to and I would not have factored her DH into it, because I would know that no matter what the situation he would never look after them, it's not as though she left the children with him & then he just didn't get up so that you ended up looking after them - you offered/chose to do so. (I get that it's fucking annoying he's in bed while you are doing this - but you offered to help her out knowing the score).

As for what he did while he was there, I'd be thrilled he spent most of his time in the bedroom or out.

Cooking a meal for 4 adults & 7 children is (for me anyway) a big ask and he is rude not to thank you - but ignore it, we've already established he's a rude bastard - don't let it get to you. The additional effort for cooking for him as well is negligable.

The only thing I would say is that you will be locking up the house at 11 (or whatever) and that if while he's staying he wants to go out drinking with his mates he needs to find somewhere else to crash that night :) (all very nicely).

I do understand how you feel - I just think you need to get past it for your friends sake - if you value her friendship and she doesn't have a problem with his behaviour then all you can do is accept that (though gritted teeth) and show her that there are better ways to live.

TimrousBeastie · 14/01/2012 12:36

I'm the same as sunshine...I was with a knobhead like that. No one mentioned to me what they thought of him, how much they disliked him until I eventually had enough and ended it with him.

While I was with him I thought he can't be all that bad, no one else seems to notice, surely my close friends would say something if they thought he was wrong. Like I said they never did.

Maybe your friend needs others to confirm that his behaviour isn't right so she can begin to see his true colours. I wish someone did that for me instead of me wasting (well maybe not wasting, I got my children from it but hopefully you know what I mean) 8 years of my life on a man who treated my like a skivvy.