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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in telling my friend her dh is not welcome in my house (long, sorry)

140 replies

tiredlady · 13/01/2012 21:18

I have a lovely friend who is married to a complete twat. He is the laziest wanker I have ever had the misfortune to come across. He does NOTHING and I mean NOTHING in the house or with the kids. They have 4dc and he has never fed a child,changed a nappy, got up in the night etc. He has never cooked a meal, ironed a shirt, packed his own suitcase. He also doesn't even do any of the other jobs that may be perceived as more "manly" eg DIY, mowing the lawn, shifting heavy furniture. My friend does EVERYTHING.

She would have it that this is the life she wants. She says she loves doing things for people, would never want him to help her in the house, and says she is totally happy in their relationship. Fair enough. Each to their own. It's her life.

My problem is when they come to visit. They moved from my town a year ago and now live 5 hrs drive away, therefore we can hardly just meet up for a day. . When they last come he went out with some old friends, came crashing back to ours a 4am blind stinking drunk and spent the whole of the next day in bed.My friend took food up to him and he didn't resurface till evening.

Another day (they stayed for a week) my friend went out to visit an old work colleague leaving me with her dc. With my dc there were 7 kids altogether and it was chaotic. I had the kids all morning and as it was pissing down with rain we couldn't really leave the house. He stayed in bed the whole time my friend was out, not leaving the room once so not having to even see his kids at all, and didn't come down till she returned (I am not moaning about looking after her kids btw, they are gorgeous) Whenever I cooked dinner for them he would eat it in silence and never say "thanks, that was nice" When they left he just got in the car and didn't even say goodbye, let alone "thanks for having us"

So my problem is this. She would like to come and visit and I would love her and the dc to come. However how do I get it across to her that I really don't want her dh to ever set foot in my house again. I felt as if he was treating my house like a hotel and it's just not on.
I tired telling her to come when her dh is at work but she thinks he would like to come and visit as it's a chance for him to meet up with his old friends as well. She is absolutely lovely and she knows I think their relationship is odd. However telling her I don't want her dh in my house feels very very personal and I don't want to upset her.
What do I do.
Sorry this is so long

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredlady · 13/01/2012 22:14

AgentZigZag - I'm not sure I understand your post. Do you think his behaviour is ok and that I am being overly dictatorial in saying what is and isn't allowed in my house?

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 13/01/2012 22:15

If that were the case kitten, the OP wouldn't have posted all the things she thinks is wrong in their relationship.

It's about more than him just stopping over.

G1nger · 13/01/2012 22:17

Bite your tongue. At least the wanker stays out of your way when he's there.

If I can bite my tongue over my dislike of my sister's husband, you can bite your tongue here.

Thumbwitch · 13/01/2012 22:18

Good grief, what a loser he sounds! How bloody rude and mannerless.

I think it would be very difficult to ban him if you want to see your friend, but I might be tempted to be fairly passive-aggressive when he was there, reminding the children at all times about their manners, so they don't grow up into rude people who no one wants in their house.
But no doubt that would be wrong.
I'd equally be tempted to borrow a caravan from someone, set it up in my garden and tell him that if he's not prepared to engage in family life, then he can sleep in the caravan and look after himself out there.
Equally wrong, I'm sure.

I don't know - I would probably be fairly frank with my friend, trying to be jokey about it - and no doubt put my foot in it completely and get her back up.

Presumably the DC are well behaved and have nice manners? it's just him who is the boor?

MollyMurphy · 13/01/2012 22:20

Oooh I like WhatTrumps suggestion - passive aggressive first to test the waters. YANBU to not want the lazy arse in your house but...its going to be tricky without offending your friend.

peeriebear · 13/01/2012 22:22

Yes I WOULD say (or demonstrate) "up before ten, in before midnight- my house, my rules" because he has form for completely taking the piss. If you were a guest in your partner's friend's house, would you really lounge in bed all day, having food brought in to you, not socialising, letting the hosts supervise your five DCs all day?

Original poster
tiredlady · 13/01/2012 22:23

AgentZig Zag - I did post a lot of detail about their relationship to illustrate how his behaviour is normally. He is just treating me and my house the way he treats my wife. Hence the information.

However I take your point about how my intense dislike of his behaviour at my house, was and is fuelled by my intense dislike of him and what I know him to be. That said, his behaviour by any standards would be considered rude by almost everyone I know

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 13/01/2012 22:26

What time a guest gets out of bed is their own business is what I'm saying.

If they surface at four in the afternoon, yes, that'd be rude, but there's no way you can pick someone up on that if you're having them over to stay.

So it's not a legitimate reason to ban someone from your house, which maybe means it must be all the other things you've said you don't like about the way he treats your friend that you're really wanting to ban him for.

Could it be that you're desparate to tell your friend what you think of him, and this is an indirect way of saying it to her without using the words you know will hurt her and probably end your friendship?

It's OK to be worried about your friend and how he treats her, but you're going to be no help to her if/when she needs you if you fall out over him.

fedupofnamechanging · 13/01/2012 22:26

AgentZigZag, what the friend chooses to put up with is between her and her husband. It's quite something else to expect your friends to put up with it, in their own homes.

I would not lay down rules as such, but I would object to being left on my own with his kids while he steams in his pit. I would have no qualms about waking him up and telling him to look after his own dc. To not do so, means you are letting him get away with his utterly chauvinistic attitude that caring for kids is women's work, even when the kids don't belong to that particular woman!

Thumbwitch · 13/01/2012 22:31

AgerntZigzag, it IS completely off for a father of 4 children to lie in his bed until 4 pm, leaving his hostess to look after his own children all day just because he can. That is beyond rude. If there were no children involved, fine. But the OP had to look after all 7 children on her own because of his boorishness. Shit behaviour and he should be pulled up on it.

Original poster
tiredlady · 13/01/2012 22:31

AgentZigZAg - I am sorry but I totally disagree with you about what is and isn't acceptable from a guest.
It is not acceptable to come crashing in at 4am making a bloody huge noise and waking my dc.
It is not acceptable to eat someones food for a whole week and never say thankyou.
It is also not acceptable when leaving to just get in the car and not say goodbye or thanks.
You are clearly a very tolerant and genial host!

OP posts:
kittensmakemesqueee · 13/01/2012 22:33

or a nightmare guest Grin

pigletmania · 13/01/2012 22:40

Can't she come on her own with the kids! My dh is not superglued to my side and I do go out without him! Suggest that she and the kids can come up to stay with you.

AgentZigzag · 13/01/2012 22:43

'You are clearly a very tolerant and genial host!'

hahahahaha I really try my best not to have guests Grin

But if I did, I would let them get on with whatever they wanted and not tell anyone what I expected from them!

But the difference with my guests would be that I'd like the person and it wouldn't impact on how I thought of them.

I've not told the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth when asked my opinion on a couple of friends DPs, not because I'm not being a good friend to them, if I thought they were in danger I'd say something, but because how people manage their close relationships isn't my business.

I wouldn't expect, and would be pretty fucked off, if a friend thought they could start being shitty about my DH as if my loyalties should lie with them instead of my DH.

kittensmakemesqueee · 13/01/2012 22:44

AZ but if you saw your dh being a total ass to one of your friends- would you let them?

Original poster
tiredlady · 13/01/2012 22:46

I always suggest she comes on her own but I know she would prefer him to come, and unfortunately seeing as some of his old friends are down here, he would also like to come too.
The last but one time she came down they stayed with a mutual friend who told me in no uncertain terms that there was no way she would ever have him in her house again - even if that meant she lost all contact with our friend. His behaviour at her house was equally appalling. Coming back in the early hours drunk, not getting out of bed, ignoring his children, spending all the time in bed on the computer... I could go on

OP posts:
MostlyFine · 13/01/2012 22:48

If he does come you can just 'jokingly' point out all his rudeness

Sample conversation:
"Oh X did you enjoy your dinner?"
X: "grunt" (or whatever :))
"Oh, it's just that you didn't say.... "

etc

  • then he might not want to come again.
Original poster
tiredlady · 13/01/2012 22:50

Agentzigzag - I'm not being shitty about her dh that's the point. I didn't say a word to her about how rude I thought he was. I was nothing but hospitable and friendly, so much so that the visit which initially was to be for 4 days, morphed into a whole week

If she wants to be treated like shit by him that's her call, why should I have to put up with the same behaviour in my own house?!

OP posts:
pigletmania · 13/01/2012 23:00

I personally would not want him in my house, why don't you suggest a hotel or give her some info on b&b's. Or if not, just tell her that you would prefer if she comes on her own with the children

pigletmania · 13/01/2012 23:01

and if she asks why, tell her the truth, if she is your close friend you should be able to be open to her.

pigletmania · 13/01/2012 23:04

agent when someone is kind enough to have you stay, you have to display good manners, and respect the host, do you not! would you tolerate that behaviour in your home from a guest Hmm, I think not! It is not your home, you have to respect the host and their home, you cannot do what you want in somebody elses's house and show utter disrespect for them.

runningwilde · 13/01/2012 23:11

Tell her. End of.

DumSpiroSpero · 13/01/2012 23:21

It is not acceptable to come crashing in at 4am making a bloody huge noise and waking my dc.

That would be the deal breaker for me & how I would approach it if you feel you have to say something.

My DH hosts a regular poker night for his friends - all of which we have known for years. His best mate stays over - he is dd's Godfather & an absolute star. A couple of other friends have also stayed over on a few occasions - they have now both been banned for 'drunk & disorderly' behaviour that has woken up DD.

If you can't behave with respect in someone else's home, you can't expect to be invited back imo.

AgentZigzag · 13/01/2012 23:23

I wouldn't act like this in anyone elses house piglet! Grin

But I would probably tolerate if from a friends DP.

It's not that I wouldn't dare say anything - I'm generally a bit too much the other way tbh Grin - but in the past, if I've not liked my friends DPs I've learnt it's best to grin and bare it if I valued the friendship I had with the person.

The bloke sounds like a grade A tosser, I'd be sad my friend chose to let someone treat them like that, but that'd be up to them.

In my mind it'd just back up why I'm still happy with my own DH.

TartyMcFarty · 13/01/2012 23:24

If they surface at four in the afternoon, yes, that'd be rude, but there's no way you can pick someone up on that if you're having them over to stay.

Bollocks. Yes you can. I think your OP was entirety reasonable - say it.

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