in telling my friend her dh is not welcome in my house (long, sorry)

[tiredlady]

I have a lovely friend who is married to a complete twat. He is the laziest wanker I have ever had the misfortune to come across. He does NOTHING and I mean NOTHING in the house or with the kids. They have 4dc and he has never fed a child,changed a nappy, got up in the night etc. He has never cooked a meal, ironed a shirt, packed his own suitcase. He also doesn't even do any of the other jobs that may be perceived as more "manly" eg DIY, mowing the lawn, shifting heavy furniture. My friend does EVERYTHING.

She would have it that this is the life she wants. She says she loves doing things for people, would never want him to help her in the house, and says she is totally happy in their relationship. Fair enough. Each to their own. It's her life.

My problem is when they come to visit. They moved from my town a year ago and now live 5 hrs drive away, therefore we can hardly just meet up for a day. . When they last come he went out with some old friends, came crashing back to ours a 4am blind stinking drunk and spent the whole of the next day in bed.My friend took food up to him and he didn't resurface till evening.

Another day (they stayed for a week) my friend went out to visit an old work colleague leaving me with her dc. With my dc there were 7 kids altogether and it was chaotic. I had the kids all morning and as it was pissing down with rain we couldn't really leave the house. He stayed in bed the whole time my friend was out, not leaving the room once so not having to even see his kids at all, and didn't come down till she returned (I am not moaning about looking after her kids btw, they are gorgeous) Whenever I cooked dinner for them he would eat it in silence and never say "thanks, that was nice" When they left he just got in the car and didn't even say goodbye, let alone "thanks for having us"

So my problem is this. She would like to come and visit and I would love her and the dc to come. However how do I get it across to her that I really don't want her dh to ever set foot in my house again. I felt as if he was treating my house like a hotel and it's just not on.
I tired telling her to come when her dh is at work but she thinks he would like to come and visit as it's a chance for him to meet up with his old friends as well. She is absolutely lovely and she knows I think their relationship is odd. However telling her I don't want her dh in my house feels very very personal and I don't want to upset her.
What do I do.
Sorry this is so long

what boohoo said and did! OP - learn from her.

DON'T tackle HER about it, tackle HIM.

Could her and the kids stay with you and tosspot stay with the friend he was out until 4 with?
Apologies if this has been suggested already.

Right, you can't solve all your friend's problems for her. So if a) she has a git of a husband b)they can't afford a hotel c) he behaves badly as a houseguest, then that's a shame, but it's frankly too much for you to fix. It is, in short, her responsibility. And tbh she seems to have chosen the 'la la la' turning a blind eye response, consistently, for some time now.

I do take on board the posts about how many women spend years in denial about their unpleasant partners, in part because their friends never say anything and therefore they don't feel validated in their underlying feelings of doubt and unhappiness. So to give that a fair go, I think you should say something to her - however, to avoid it getting too personal and taking things to a brink that you can't pull back from, you need to make it strictly about his behaviour last time. In other words, you CAN'T say 'Look, I think he's a git and I can't stand him'; it has to be 'Look, he came in late last time, woke my kids up and I ended up looking after your kids all day when he stayed in bed, so I'll be honest, you're welcome to come with the kids but I don't want him too because I don't want the same experience again'.

My personal experience is pretty negative in terms of dealing with friends like this, in that they almost invariably refuse to listen until they're ready (and it takes years and years, if ever, for them to be ready ) so in the meantime you have to protect yourself and avoid being in the position where you have to host this git again. I repeat, it's a shame that they can't afford a hotel, but that doesn't obligate you to be their hotel. As others have said, perhaps other friends (his?) in the area could share the burden.

I posted earlier in the month about my friend's boorish DP who when they stayed with us (at their request) over Xmas/new year was a total lazy arse and he is at home too. The difference is that at home she is the one running around after him, here I am supposed to do it. Just because she has chosen to shack up with a loser, that's her problem. My friend isn't cowed or financially beholden to this bloke, she just doesn't think it's fair on their DC for her to leave him. That's her decision. But I'm not ever giving him house room again.

I spent three days in a perpetual state of fury and when he turned on the hall lights (halogen bulbs which shine right into my room) the morning they were leaving and left them on, despite the fact it was 6.15am and my birthday, I lost it and stomped out, turned the lights off and went back to bed.

Next time I see her, I shall tell her I don't want him in my house. I very much doubt it'll ruin my relationship with her but if it does, then it does. I'm not having someone treat me like that, however much I love my friend.

thanks for all the responses ladies! Unfortunately you are all saying slightly different things so I am still undecided whether I should take it up with her directly, him directly or passsively aggressively let my feelings be known next time they stay.

My friend knows that I think her dh takes advantage of her, we have discussed this many times and she just jokes and laughs about how different we are.However pointing out his rudeness to me (as opposed to his rudeness to her) feels so much more personal.

As to the poster who asked what my dh thinks of him.My dh doesn' really know him and tends not to notice stuff (4am wake up excluded). However he did notice that when they visited, twat face brought a small case of beers, which he drank all on his own without offering me or dh one.He kept them in our fridge, and in the evening before dinner would just go and help himself, though he would offer my friend one.

My friend recognises that he is socially unskilled and puts it down to his being "shy". Bollocks.

Whatever I've said on the thread about the ins and outs of letting my guests walk all over me do their own thing, this man really does sound like a wankstain, and I think you deserve some sort of medal for putting up with him for a week without blowing your top tiredlady

I've been reading this thread with interest as a few years back my oldest and dearest friend did this to me. I came home to a hand-delivered letter ripping my DH to bits and saying that he was no longer welcome at hers. She said it was down to something he'd said or did (that I wasn't aware of) and how disappointed she was in me. It was a difficult time in my life and I was utterly, utterly devastated. It tore our group of friends apart as people took sides etc and to this day, although we're close again, our friendship is not the same.

With hindsight I admire her intentions, but to be on the receiving end of it and the way she did it broke my heart.

I'm just saying that yes, this guy sounds like a complete knobend, but just tread carefully as what you say/how you say it could really alienate your friend.

Not helpful at all, sorry, but just thought I'd give the point of view of someone who's been there.

Would it have helped if your friend made what she had to say about you, rather than her Magictorch?

If she'd been gentle in saying she was worried about you, rather than steaming in calling you all sorts and being disappointed with you? Which I think is bloody cheeky, as if she's the guardian of your standards or something!

Yeah, I think it may have made the difference, Agent. Or better still, pick up the phone so we can have an adult conversation, or even better than that, speak to my DH since he's the one that pissed her off! Was horribly awkward and to bastardise a phrase, I am not my husband's keeper.

OP, the holding option of course would be just to stall on agreeing to any of them staying again for a while. Make excuses about how it's not a good time, you're doing work on the house etc, until you are more sure about how you want to proceed. The excuses themselves may give your friend a useful first inkling that her DH is not the most desirable houseguest around.

PS On the his personal beers being kept in your fridge front, I would have just gone and helped myself. Even if I didn't want one, just to make the point...

As pattimayor has said. I would love my friend but not enough to have the rude, inconsiderate twat in the house. Yes I would tell her, she is obviously trying to make excuses for him, but it is your right not to have him there. Hopefully she will sit up and listen when friends start pulling away because of him, tough love.

You can tell your friend in a nice way, not being harsh or rude, she should understand tbh.

magictorch - that's really bad that she laid into you because of something your DH had said. If she'd just kept it to a simple explanation of "he said this and because of it I don't think I can have him back in my house", would that have been better as well? Although a letter is still the wrong way to do it, if you ask me.

Maybe your friend thought you had been privy to whatever thing your husband did and that's why she was disappointed? in that you let it happen? I can imagine sending a letter myself, as I find when pissed off I can be perceived as aggressive because of size and loud voice- but it's not really meant that way.