in telling my friend her dh is not welcome in my house (long, sorry)

[tiredlady]

I have a lovely friend who is married to a complete twat. He is the laziest wanker I have ever had the misfortune to come across. He does NOTHING and I mean NOTHING in the house or with the kids. They have 4dc and he has never fed a child,changed a nappy, got up in the night etc. He has never cooked a meal, ironed a shirt, packed his own suitcase. He also doesn't even do any of the other jobs that may be perceived as more "manly" eg DIY, mowing the lawn, shifting heavy furniture. My friend does EVERYTHING.

She would have it that this is the life she wants. She says she loves doing things for people, would never want him to help her in the house, and says she is totally happy in their relationship. Fair enough. Each to their own. It's her life.

My problem is when they come to visit. They moved from my town a year ago and now live 5 hrs drive away, therefore we can hardly just meet up for a day. . When they last come he went out with some old friends, came crashing back to ours a 4am blind stinking drunk and spent the whole of the next day in bed.My friend took food up to him and he didn't resurface till evening.

Another day (they stayed for a week) my friend went out to visit an old work colleague leaving me with her dc. With my dc there were 7 kids altogether and it was chaotic. I had the kids all morning and as it was pissing down with rain we couldn't really leave the house. He stayed in bed the whole time my friend was out, not leaving the room once so not having to even see his kids at all, and didn't come down till she returned (I am not moaning about looking after her kids btw, they are gorgeous) Whenever I cooked dinner for them he would eat it in silence and never say "thanks, that was nice" When they left he just got in the car and didn't even say goodbye, let alone "thanks for having us"

So my problem is this. She would like to come and visit and I would love her and the dc to come. However how do I get it across to her that I really don't want her dh to ever set foot in my house again. I felt as if he was treating my house like a hotel and it's just not on.
I tired telling her to come when her dh is at work but she thinks he would like to come and visit as it's a chance for him to meet up with his old friends as well. She is absolutely lovely and she knows I think their relationship is odd. However telling her I don't want her dh in my house feels very very personal and I don't want to upset her.
What do I do.
Sorry this is so long

I think my problem is that she really doesn't see anything wrong with his behaviour. She would not remotely object if he came crashing in at 4am waking the kids when he was at home, therefore I don't think she would see where I was coming from.
Like I said, they were there for a whole week and he never said thankyou for a meal. Had she been embarassed by that she could have had a word with him; she could have told him to say thankyou, but she didn't. Simply because on some level she obviously doesn't think that a man has to thank a woman for doing anything at all. Her kids on the other hand have great manners, as has she. It's all wrong.

Your a better person than me or most Agent as a lot of people would not tolerate it at all.

You have to tell her, otherwise she will get in the car afterwards thinking you've really enjoyed yourself.

Say to her that you loved seeing her and the children, but you really didn't enjoy spending time with her husband because he was so rude. You could say, "I know you don't mind the way he is, but I do. He comes across as incredibly rude."

I can't understand why she likes it. Is she otherwise normal? For example, what would she say if you were as rude to her?

I am married to knob head. Am sure my friends think he is so. But they don't say anything. I justify his knobheadiness by thinking, well he can't be that bad if no one says anything. If they addressed me directly, I might feel supported in confronting it. Might be different for your friend but thought I'd chuck my 2p in.

tired she sounds just as rude as he is, I would not have the pair of them over, and would quite happily tell them to stay in a hotel or a bnb, or conduct the friendship over a long distance.

If she is rude enough not to tell her dh about his behaviour, than you should be justified telling her that you would rather not have her dh over, just her and her dcs because of his behaviour.

bringmesunshine

I'd second what mostlyfine said
Good luck!

I don't know why she likes it either. If I were to postulate I would guess it would be to do with her being brought up in a very similar family, with a dad that was quite distant so she ended up running around trying to do everything to please him.
It almost feels as if there is nothing he could do that would ever be too terrible for her to put up with.
For example, She had just had her 4th dc by emergency section, and 2 weeks later I saw her and all 4 dc at the local shops where she was trying to do a big food shop - kids getting fractious, laden down with bags, raining - a complete bloody nightmare. When I asked what she was doing she said that because of the section she couldn't drive so she had to shop for everything locally. When I asked why her dh couldn't nip to the shops (it was a saturday) she laughed and said" oh no! he won't do the shopping!!" I then said couldn't she at least have left some of the kids with him at home as she was clearly struggling and she said "no, he can't manage them on his own"
What man would let his wife do that and more to the point what woman would put up with that kind of shit?
I love her dearly but I just don't understand her

I'm laughing piglet, 'repressed' might be a better word than 'tolerant'

I think the way my mum was with having people over may have rubbed off on me (as well as contributing to me not wanting visitors ) she was very formal.

I have 'put up' with stuff from guests, but with one of them particularly, it might have been different because they needed help and it was easy for me to fall back on that reason when justifying putting up with it IYSWIM?

If you want to talk about your DH being a nobhead bringmesunshine, why don't you bring the subject up?

It's not for your friends to comment. Maybe they think you must love him if you're still with him?

However good my friend was, if her dp/dh was like that I would tell her in no uncertain terms that her dh was not welcome and they would have to come on their own or stay in a hotel.

errrrr agent

If you don't think she will cope with being told the truth, and you value her friendship a lot, then I'd normally say grin and bear it, but maybe a few pointed comments next time? If only to amuse yourself.

And guests, like fish, smell after 3 days....

Her DP is well out of order, but I don't think it's realistic to dictate to him what time he must come home. He'd just ignore it and ring the doorbell until someone let him in. Likewise, although he is rude not to say "Thank you", I don't really think it's your place to pull him up on his manners

However, I do think that some loud hoovering outside the bedroom door & asking him to get up so you can get the sheets in the machine is entirely justified.

Or go out for the day with your friend and her lovely children, and if he wants to waste the day in a stupor, leave him to it

But Agentzigzag isn't it natural that friends would comment? I talk about my relationships - with dh with my family, to all my friends and they do to me. My friends would always comment or remark or question me if they didn't understand why I was doing things in a certain way. I think good friends do that. I think it's quite normal

Tiredlady my dsis is like your df.

She is trying to get permission now to visit me. Its so fucking depressing. But I am a determined sister and WILL get to see her for a minute whether he likes it or not. And shove it up his arse. Wanker.

you don't have to have someone in your house who thinks it is ok to come crashing in at 4 am. I would probably stick to that as the reason offered for his no llonger being welcome in your house.

I think loud hoovering outside his door is a great idea! Very passive aggressive. I like it! I could also just barge in and start rummaging in the cupboard very noisily. Actually, I think I will just send all 7 kids in next time and tell them to have a pile-on on the bed.

Sorry piglet, you said 'Your a better person than me or most Agent as a lot of people would not tolerate it at all.' I was just saying I'm probably leaning more towards being repressed than tolerant

I think actually you have an opening to talk to her about this, as your mutual friend has said he is no longer welcome in her house.

Has that ended their friendship?

I'm with solidgold on this. Do continue to have them over, if only as a support for your friend. What you could do is become an amateur video enthusiast, or take up a photography hobby and get lots of evidence of what he's like, to show him when they next come round.

By telling your friend, you are making it her problem which I don't think is fair on her at all.

Your problem is with him so you need to take it up with him directly.

He sounds like a total knob

I have a similar situation with my closest friend. Luckily, she really sees him for what he is and comes to stay here at least twice a year - without him.

I agree with fabbychic above - tell her. If she is a friend, surely she would understand. Perhaps she would love the opportunity to visit without him, but assumes that you want them both there.

Wow, what a pig. Sounds very much like dps grans husband.I won't get into it as my blood pressure will shoot up but he will never ever be welcome in our home, and if we have to spell it out to his gran then we will do so. She is welcome, he is not. I suppose it depends on whether you can happily ignore his shitty behaviour if they come again..if so, you're a better person than I am.

Tell her that she and the kids are welcome to come without him. Explain why. If she tries to justify his behaviour tell her that his rudeness will not be tolerated in your home. Repeat as often as required. As politely as possible.