in telling my friend her dh is not welcome in my house (long, sorry)

[tiredlady]

I have a lovely friend who is married to a complete twat. He is the laziest wanker I have ever had the misfortune to come across. He does NOTHING and I mean NOTHING in the house or with the kids. They have 4dc and he has never fed a child,changed a nappy, got up in the night etc. He has never cooked a meal, ironed a shirt, packed his own suitcase. He also doesn't even do any of the other jobs that may be perceived as more "manly" eg DIY, mowing the lawn, shifting heavy furniture. My friend does EVERYTHING.

She would have it that this is the life she wants. She says she loves doing things for people, would never want him to help her in the house, and says she is totally happy in their relationship. Fair enough. Each to their own. It's her life.

My problem is when they come to visit. They moved from my town a year ago and now live 5 hrs drive away, therefore we can hardly just meet up for a day. . When they last come he went out with some old friends, came crashing back to ours a 4am blind stinking drunk and spent the whole of the next day in bed.My friend took food up to him and he didn't resurface till evening.

Another day (they stayed for a week) my friend went out to visit an old work colleague leaving me with her dc. With my dc there were 7 kids altogether and it was chaotic. I had the kids all morning and as it was pissing down with rain we couldn't really leave the house. He stayed in bed the whole time my friend was out, not leaving the room once so not having to even see his kids at all, and didn't come down till she returned (I am not moaning about looking after her kids btw, they are gorgeous) Whenever I cooked dinner for them he would eat it in silence and never say "thanks, that was nice" When they left he just got in the car and didn't even say goodbye, let alone "thanks for having us"

So my problem is this. She would like to come and visit and I would love her and the dc to come. However how do I get it across to her that I really don't want her dh to ever set foot in my house again. I felt as if he was treating my house like a hotel and it's just not on.
I tired telling her to come when her dh is at work but she thinks he would like to come and visit as it's a chance for him to meet up with his old friends as well. She is absolutely lovely and she knows I think their relationship is odd. However telling her I don't want her dh in my house feels very very personal and I don't want to upset her.
What do I do.
Sorry this is so long

Cue Billy Joel... tell her about it!

I have a dear friend who I saw less and less of as I couldn't bear the company of her boorish, lazy, entitled DP.

She eventually ditches him and after counselling, came to realise that in fact he had been abusive. She was like 'why did nobody say what an arse he was' but mostly, people hate to intrude into private matters.

Not saying this guy is abusive, but he definitely is an arse. I'd very gently let her know that.

Wow, just seen Timorous's post. Exactly what I was describing.

I'm afraid I'd be unable to hold my tongue, but as others have said, I'd take it up with him, not her. I'd be saying things like "John, you woke up the children when you came back last night, maybe you ought to stay over at your friend's place if you're having a session?" (Possibly point out that it'd save on taxi fare?) I'd also take him a cup of tea in the morning, and take the kids up with me - after all, it's polite to take a guest a cup of tea, right? Then tell him you're leaving the kids with him as you have to pop out. When he is leaving, make a point of going up and saying "Lovely to see you again John" and kiss him on the cheek - he'll HATE it!!! If you can't bring yourself to do that, just say bye bye, and if he ignores you, say it again, louder.

I guess if your friend doesn't mind how he treats her, that's her business, but you don't have to accept it.

He sounds awful.

Although him coming in late & spending the next day in bed-especially if he´s not good company wouldn´t bother me as much as her pissing about taking food up tbh.

Sorry, but if you´re visiting me, unless you are ill, you don´t get fed if you don´t make the effort to come to the table.

Also, your friend went out leaving you with her children, knowing that her lazy arse of a husband probably wouldn´t ge up.

I´d be pissed off with both of them tbh.

TimrousBeastie and sunshine - would you have listened though, honestly? Because I was with a complete arse for a shortish while (less than a year) and even though I knew he was a complete knobend deep down, I kept making excuses for him and just avoided seeing people who I knew didn't like him; or went without him. If people had said to me at the time why are you with that cunting knobend, I'd have probably defended him (despite knowing in my heart of hearts that they were right) and it would probably have got a bit heated and upsetting. It's far easier to see how bad they were once you're "over" them, or out of the relationship, than it is while you're still in it. I don't know - perhaps it would have galvanised you to do something about it sooner, it's hard to say.

Why didn't you open the bedroom door and let all 7 kids pile in and jump all over the self absorbed knobhead?

Sorry not read other posts.

I would definitely not have him stay in my house ever again.

I would simply ask your friend and the dc to come - just a simple 'I'd absolutely love you and the kids to come on your own this time'.

She can ask you why if she wants to and this opens up a conversation - though you really do have to tread carefully. You need to ask her questions about his behaviour and give her a chance to talk, don't launch into a huge missive about him or you will most likely lose her as a friend as it will be too much for her to process as one outburst.

i would suggest that she comes with kids, he goes to stay with friends.

if pressed why he is not included in the invitation, you can say you're uncomfortable with him coming in drunk and waking up the kids. don't have to go further than that. not a lie, and not laying it all on the line. you're still being reasonable, and you can suggest that he come over for the odd meal so they see each other.

i bet you if that they do do that, you won't see him because he'll be happily getting pissed with his friends.

i really don't see why you have to put up with his disgusting behaviour.

by inviting him you are condoning his behaviour.

if he does come again you can make a stand and say he has to come home by 11pm and not wake any dc up. he also can't lie in when your friend goes out. house rules and all that.

Think it's difficult to say something without risking the friendship. And although telling her makes it her problem when it's his, equally she'd probably be upset if you said something to him direct without mentioning it at all to her. The only possible way is the passive aggressive one someone suggested up thread ("not sure if he enjoyed himself") which could be a way of opening it up while being able to back down if you think she is upset.

Also when you next have them to stay (seems you've decided to) also make sure you have some other plan/visitor/you going away booked in so that the stay can't become longer than it was planned to be. it probably won't get to you quite so much if the visit is shorter.

Not read thoroughly but if he is such a lazy arse surely he would be happy to be left alone while his DW takes the kids? Or can he not function without her?
Say something like "Hey, if DH fancies a break from the kids (with heavy irony obviously) you could always come here with them"

I'm afraid I would have to tell him what I thought of his behaviour , I wouldn't beable to stop myself.

my sister is married to the same type of bloke, but there is a twist. he is so horrid, he does these things specifically to annoy - so i dont let him see that it does annoy me. he would obviously prefer not to come to my house, because in my house he cant control my sister.

In the given examples i would have locked the door at midnight and hidden all the keys. left him out there all night and in the morning looked him dead in the eye and said ' oh were you out there all night? i'm so sorry. I didnt hear you knocking'

as for minding 7 kids. Id have sent his own children into the bedroom to say 'auntie boo has to run to the shops she said she wont be long'
and i'd go too. noone can say you left the kids unsupervised - you left them with thier dad. and if its ok for you to mind them 'alone' then its ok for you to leave them with him.

as for the food, sit him out. dont make a move to prepare any food until he acknowledges that there is some effort by you in making it. I have sat till 8 ignoring all the pointed comments from my sister and my own DH, 'i'll do it in a minute' and refusing offers of help from them (and letting the kids snack all night long - one night wont affect thier overall health!) until by sisters husband commented on what we would be eating. then i siad ' actually i cant be bothered tonight- does anyone mind?' open mouths from DH and sister. then i said - 'do you fancy going to the chippy?' directly looking at my BIL. he got up and went, but afterwards i said 'thanks for the effort of going to the chippy... its so nice when someone looks after you. Isnt it?' point made.

I'm pleased to say that she has left him, after years of abuse. i would never ordinarily treat anyone like this unless they proved themselves over years and he had unfortunately proved himself

(High-fives boohoo)

Well chipping when you are a guest in somebodies house is it not right to be polite and to have certain expectations of guests. No you cannot make them do anything, but op is well within her rights not to have him in her home again, just because she is friends with the lady with a fuckwit husband, does not mean she has to have him there as well.

I agree with the posters who say that HE is the one who should be spoken to on his behaviour, not the friend. He sounds like a bullying, lazy, mannerless thug. What would be the idea is for someone to 'have a word' with him in no uncertain terms, in private, so that he has no doubt that he is there on sufferance only because of OP's love of her friend. If he expects to be sheltered, fed and watered, he will do x, y and z.

Pigletmania - yes, as a guest you should be polite & yes is it normal to think that a guest will behave in socially acceptable ways and of course the OP is well within her rights to not have him in her home again - I have absolutely no idea why you are bringing all of that up with me?

However, IF the OP wants to maintain the friendship with the woman and the woman doesn't have any issues with the way her H behaves - then the OP doesn't have any choice but to suck up the behaviour of her friends DH IMO. If she tells her friend that her H isn't welcome in her home she will lose this friendship because the friend will stick with her H. That is the OP's choice to make.

Oh yes, Boohoo's method... that might work very well.

Tiredlady, what does your partner think?

You are totally being reasonable. It's YOUR home, it's your kids home and I certainly wouldn't want my kids to see a man behaving so appallingly.
Can I just ask is there not a man of the house? Just thought that another man might be able to have some influence over the situation.
I do also think that your friend is also being rude in the fact that she's the one taking food upstairs to him, does she not ask before she does it? ''do you mind if I take him a sandwich?'' ''well actually I'd prefer it if he came and ate with the rest of us'' or ''well I'm always telling the kids not to take food upstairs so it's not setting a good example to them''.

You have 2 options 1) you tell her he can't come or b) you let him come but get firmer.

I'd probably say its worth trying another visit but implanting some rules, you can blame it all on the kids, ''I don't want the kids to get woken up'' ''I don't let the kids do that so its sending out mixed messages if he does it'' that way it just seems a little less rude.

I agree with the others that if you tell her what an arse he is then she'll only defend him and his behaviour.
If he can't be made to be a little more well behaved by the house rules then you'd have to just be upfront with her on the next visit.

chipping it does not have to be all or nothing though. I would suggest hotels and bnb to stay in, or just say that its not convenient to stay. Mabey meet half way for the day. There is noway I would be able to suck it up, and why should it just because she tolerates her h behaviour does not mean I have to.

I think the OP said they can't afford a hotel or B&B so that's not an option.

Mabey they could meet half way and what others have said, he can stay with friends.

Bnb for the night or Travelodge is not that much!

I would even help out with the cost so as not to have that twat staying in my house and abusing my hospitality by being rude and twattish.

Well, I guess you can either tell her (or him!) outright that he is a ghastly houseguest and that you can't have either of them to stay again. Honest but perhaps too forthright.

Or you can focus on the twattish behaviours of his that have a tangible negative effect on you e.g. waking up your kids when he comes in at 4am, leaving you in sole charge of too many kids.

Personally I'd be tempted to point out to the friend both the tangible things and the rudeness of things like not saying thank you, but I don't know how well it'd go down. Although tbh I can't imagine any of my friends having such a cunt for a DP ...