Justified anger at the posters who were rude and hurtful on a past thread

[Roseability]

I haven't posted on Mumsnet for nearly a year and I am posting in this section, well because I suspect it is one of the most popular and I am hoping certain posters will read it

Just under a year ago, I posted about my ds (link provided below). An Early Years Educator had raised a concern that he was sometimes having problems following instructions.

She insinuated he had serious developmental problems and was quite negative about him. I posted for advice, because I genuinely felt she had got it wrong.

The response I got from some posters on that thread was quite frankly disgusting and had I not been too upset, I would have reported it at the time. I was called names, told I was a bad mother and told I was in denial about my ds.

I know that learning difficulties can be a sensitive area, but I stated time and time again that I was making no judgement about children with learning difficulties. I was following my instincts as a mother. Still I was insulted.

In the end my ds did have a speech & Lang assessment and he was discharged. He has settled into school really well. I still think about that thread now and then because at the time it put me in quite a bad place. I know it is strangers on the internet, but words hurt.

I suppose my point is, that I have read many a thread on here, of mothers who instinctively know their child is having developmental difficulties and are met with resistence by various authorities. It can work the other way. A mother who really believes her child is being misunderstood.

I would never neglect to support my children in the best way. Anyway, whilst there are many lovely posters on mumsnet, some are hurtful and agressive. No doubt this will be met with the usual nasty quips from some, but I don't care. One thing I have learnt is that everyone is entitled to stick up for themselves. I am not posting just because I was right. For indeed, had my ds been diagnosed with special needs, I still would have posted. That it was no way to be towards a mum in distress.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/preschool/1140182-Anyone-had-problems-with-pre-school-I-think-they-are-trying-to-label-my-son-as-autistic

Boomerwang, yes, I am a masochist

Have read the first few pages of your original thread. You seemed to be in a highly emotional state when you posted (understandably so) and took umbridge very early. I think you received some measured and sound advice in the early stages but flew off the handle and broke down in tears at the merest suggestion that the nursery nurse might be correct.

As everything has turned out just fine for you, suggest you leave it now.

MN can be a bit like a sleeping tiger..... (imo)

Let. It. Go.

It almost seems like you've been waiting a year to come back and crow that your son is fine thank you very much. Whereas many of the people trying to help on that thread have children who are struggling with ASD or other issues.

Well lucky you.

I don't know if I'm being dim but I genuinely don't understand why you'd think it was a good idea to start this thread?

I would politely suggest that if a thread on an internet forum is still troubling you after a year, you seek some kind of professional help.

I enjoy posting responses to threads....but I would never disclose deeply personal information about my family or any problems I was having in my life simply because people will be harsher when they have anonyimity (shit spelling). I have posted a couple of quite rude posts although I would never do or say things like that in 'real life'. I'm not being rude now but the saying 'if you play with fire....' and all that springs to mind

I use mumsnet for light hearted relief, I see it like having a bit of a gossip at work.

Edith, perhaps I am missing something here, but I have read the OP as meaning that it turned out that upon investigation the child didn't have an issue.

I can't read to the end of that other thread, OP WBU

Think I read that the child still needed a little bit of help?

Yes, that's how I read it. Her ds does not have sn now.

Sorry - I thought she meant he had been discharged (in the sense that something had been done, but he is now OK), not that nothing had been found. My apologies for any misunderstanding.

And I still think it's brave to come back and put a clearly sensitive area into AIBU.

Question about whether resolution with the nursery (though with a rather different backdrop) still stands though.

Did it even matter if he did/ didn't have SN? The nursery only suggested an assessment and op was angry that they had no right or ability to diagnose...

They didn't, they only
Suggested assessment

And the point of this is?

OP I don't think that I came across that thread, but read your link, and you do come across as defensive with a closed mindset. I posted something similar to your initial thread regarding key workers concerned about dd who was 2.5 years at the time (she is now nearly 5), she did not make eye contact, speech was delayed, possible social communicaiton difficulties. Others on here with experience of SN suggested AS, I was like to think my dd might have AS. Forward wind a year, we are seeing the paedritrician, Ed Psych. SALT dd has possible AS with speech and language delay, and developmental delays. I can see where you are coming from, but its great that the outcome for you was good and that your ds is doing well, unfortunately for me it was not . My dd 4.10 goes to MS with a statement and she is progressing very well there, even though she is behind the others.

Blimey! I just read some of that thread and I think you were the rudest person on it

And the point of this is?

Hell knows. Its either to let people who tried to help know how wrong they were or to air a year old grievance. Either way its vair strange.

What the hell? It seems to be happening again. Get in a gang, quick!

Love the word 'justified' in the thread title.

er no?

What the hell? It seems to be happening again. Get in a gang, quick!

eh?

I've scanned the thread and while I agree that latterly some posters overstepped the mark, it's hard to imagine a different outcome. You were defensive, you seemed intent on focussing on the poor communication of concerns and had no interest in considering whether they might he well-founded. Numerous posters offered sensitive, thoughtful, sympathetic responses and you in turn simply became angry that your post wasn't met with universal agreement.

Now you're back to shout "I told you so". Brilliant that your son is doing well in school, that's great. But nobody said he was ASD, they were just saying "why not get him assessed, it would reassure you all". You seemed to feel victimised and took massive offence at that, completely OTT.

For future reference, if 99% of people are taking the same stance on an issue, chances are they have a point, however much you don't like it.

Roseability - I recognise your name from YEARS ago. Surely you know how threads go once the OP starts getting chippy? I think you were upset from the get-go and should never have posted in that state, because you effectively pooh-poohed everybody's hard-won insights that they were sharing with you. I too have only read the first fifty responses or so, but it seems very clear to me that you set the tone for the rest of that thread.

I want to ask you how you are doing now, and why you are in the frame of mind to mull this over, but I fear you will construe it as patronising so I shan't. Good luck to you and your son though.

Hmm? Boomerwang, although I feel some posters on this thread have been a little more... Forthright than I would have chosen to be, I don't think people are ganging up. The op clearly went through a hard time when concerns about her ds were raised, and if possible I think she should tell us what she is hoping for from this thread, to enable her to move on.

Kayano, I think to some extent it does matter if the child cannot have autism or not, although I can't comment on the OP's case in particular.

When my son went through this, the school was massively ill informed about what autism was, and were therefore misdiagnosing and treating DS inappropriately. The 'treatment' was inappropriate for a child without autism but would have been terrifying for a child who actually did have autism. I have heard similar stories from other people.

It would be nice to believe that schools and nurseries are casting a wide net when highlighting concerns to parents. But I do not think that is the case. Some early years providers are simply casting a wrong net that means many children who do need support don't get recognised, and children who are suspected of having autism are treated in an ignorant and somewhat damaging manner.

There needs to be much more training about autism so that all schools and nurseries come up to the same standard. I can't say, hand on heart, that my son doesn't have asperger's. I do know that getting him diagnosed at the time would have given the teacher licence to act inappropriately. If my child's current school came to me and said it should be looked into, I would have no qualms about going for it, because I know that the way the school cares for other children with asperger's is really good. Most of us love our kids for who they are, but a great many of us are afraid of how society will treat them if we acknowledge them as different. Schools and nurseries handling this badly, from the moment they first speak to the parent, reinforces that fear.

I was on that thread and remember it well.

I am so glad your DS has received the support he needed.

I am equally sorry you are still bothered by the thread. Certainly MN is not set up to create fora which leave posters scarred long term. Something went badly wrong on that thread. Sorry, OP, that you were the one to suffer; luckily that kind of thing happens rarely on MN. you might want to think about why your responses riled people quite so much.

OP I have only read the first couple of pages of your previous post.

It is clear that you were in a highly emotional state when you posted and were I think feeling very sensitive and defensive.

That is perhaps somewhat understandable given the shock and distress you were dealing with at the time, believing your son was being labelled unfairly.

It seems as if you were lashing out in distress and anger at anyone who did not appear to 100% support your point of view.

The fact that you have held onto this grudge is disturbing though. Do you often feel persecuted in everyday life? It appears that you believe anonymous posters on a website were ganging up on you and are obviously still feeling somewhat fragile about it.

I feel that, as concerning as it is to you, your son's issue is actually a red herring. I find myself wondering how you are, your self esteem and how you relate to other people/how they relate to you...

It might be helpful to talk all this through with a professional counsellor rather than faceless posters on an internet forum. We cannot really give you the level of support you require and therefore are undoubtedly going to come across as attacking you instead. Even if that is no way our intention.

I am sorry to hear you are feeling bad about this and wish you the best for the future OP.