Justified anger at the posters who were rude and hurtful on a past thread

[Roseability]

I haven't posted on Mumsnet for nearly a year and I am posting in this section, well because I suspect it is one of the most popular and I am hoping certain posters will read it

Just under a year ago, I posted about my ds (link provided below). An Early Years Educator had raised a concern that he was sometimes having problems following instructions.

She insinuated he had serious developmental problems and was quite negative about him. I posted for advice, because I genuinely felt she had got it wrong.

The response I got from some posters on that thread was quite frankly disgusting and had I not been too upset, I would have reported it at the time. I was called names, told I was a bad mother and told I was in denial about my ds.

I know that learning difficulties can be a sensitive area, but I stated time and time again that I was making no judgement about children with learning difficulties. I was following my instincts as a mother. Still I was insulted.

In the end my ds did have a speech & Lang assessment and he was discharged. He has settled into school really well. I still think about that thread now and then because at the time it put me in quite a bad place. I know it is strangers on the internet, but words hurt.

I suppose my point is, that I have read many a thread on here, of mothers who instinctively know their child is having developmental difficulties and are met with resistence by various authorities. It can work the other way. A mother who really believes her child is being misunderstood.

I would never neglect to support my children in the best way. Anyway, whilst there are many lovely posters on mumsnet, some are hurtful and agressive. No doubt this will be met with the usual nasty quips from some, but I don't care. One thing I have learnt is that everyone is entitled to stick up for themselves. I am not posting just because I was right. For indeed, had my ds been diagnosed with special needs, I still would have posted. That it was no way to be towards a mum in distress.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/preschool/1140182-Anyone-had-problems-with-pre-school-I-think-they-are-trying-to-label-my-son-as-autistic

OP, I have just read your original thread and I agree with others that you were cold, snippy and rude.

I am really not sure why you've posted this? Surely you knew it would drag the whole thing up and go off again?

I have enormous sympathy for the difficult time you've had and am very glad to hear your son is happy and settled into the right school.

Isn't that all that matters?

I'd get this thread pulled if I were you, get off Mumsnet and concentrate on your lovely son now. Let it go.

working9while5 your posts have added a massive amount to this thread with your experience, understanding and sensitivity. I applaud you.

I hope that working's posts have given you some validation and clarity OP, and that you can move on from this thread (and the other thread) now.

im just nipping back on to also say that having read workingfrom9while5 s posts, the penny dropped.

i come from a scarily similar background to Roseability but i didnt have the same reaction as her to my boys difficulties, (DS 20 - diagnosed with AS, Dyslexia and dyspraxia at age of 7) however, if anyone, however well meaning or flippantly, says anything that i could construe to be about my parenting skills then i probably also have that same kind of powder keg reaction though perhaps a little less extreme! and that is also due to my child hood experiences. (abuse, being in care etc etc - much like the OP)

I went to bed last night thinking about this, (sadly).

I just wish that rose could understand that the advice on the original thread was just about hearing those fears realised and then looking into them - every mother, myself included, does not want there to be anything "wrong" with their child, thats a natural reaction.
rose didnt have a natural reaction, and i understand that now i think, and probably relate to that more than i understood because of my own childhood experiences.

rose - we appeared on those threads to be poles apart, and we are probably not. The way we reacted to that particular piece of bad news is - but actually we probably have more in common that you would like to believe!

im sorry, i hope you can see that in the original thread, my advice and support was just that, and that i pulled out of the thread before it got snippy.

i wanted to come back and say that i perhaps should have thought about it more yesterday. I do see that this isnt necessarily about SEN or disability bashing.

im sorry rose that i got offended by this daft thread, and im sorry if i upset you.
And i wish you and your family all the best.

I think it is understandable the the OP is angry with life, she has been through abuse of the worst kinds and her experience of human life is that people are are all bitches out to get her. It takes decades to rebuild a faith in humanity after what the OP has experienced. I can totally understand why you are "desperate" for your dp to be normal and why your fear that he may not be brings out the absolute worst in you.

I really hope everything works out for you, I hope that you are able to continue getting help coming to terms with your past and being able to find a way forward that does not in involve hatred and fear.

I think perhaps we should all draw a line under this and the op should stick the areas of MN which do not make her feel threatened.

Vicar what a kind and thoughtful post

I thought that too, Kellogg.

That's Vicar, a lovely woman with a lot of honesty, courage and compassion.

Not read the whole thread but is anyone else thinking the op may be on the spectrum? Seeing things in black and white, mega over-reaction etc.

Yup.

I asked the OP that back on pg3 but for some reason MNHQ saw fit to delete it. I'm rather offended by that actually. If being on the spectrum is nothing to be ashamed of, why does suggesting it (in a none rude way) warrant a delete? And now it's looks like I said something horrible, which I didn't (unless being autistic is offensive).

Well, of course no one can make any sort of assumptions about a poster on the internet, let alone a dx. But the OP's argument and her responses seem very familiar to me. MNHQ probably saw the statement as a personal attack, or the OP reported it herself as one.

But I didn't say she was or even that I thought she was, I just asked if she had considered it. Seems to me that autism is a dirty word to some.

How can that be a personal attack? It's not like high functioning asd is 'all bad' or some way of slagging someone off. There are so many autistic cues that it's hardly unusual for people to display them. Many highly successful people of the past would probably now have that dx.

I don't really see the point in this thread other than to say 'I was right, you were wrong'.

No one tried to diagnose the OP's son over the internet. People were, for the most part, kind and offered advice but I'm afraid the OP was rather rude and offensive to people because they didn't post what she wanted to hear. I have been in her situation like a lot of posters, and it's shit. But after the initial shock I had to take a step back and look at it for what it was - information that would allow me to get, and be, the best support for my son. It turned out he isn't autisic but i am so glad we went through the process for his sake.

Especially when that question comes from someone who does have ASD.

MNHQ have deleted quantities of posts on numerous threads for little obvious reason. If OP reported one, they'd have responded with little analysis. I don't see how wondering could be an attack, but I didn't think anyone on the original thread was rude or bullying or hurtful either, and she obviously did.

I can state categorically that i reported no posts what so ever

i did not find it offensive, the suggestion i may be on the spectrum. actually i think most people are on one spectrum or another. whether it be mood, autism, neuroses etc

i think there have been a lot of kind and thoughtful posts on this thread. i do actually have quite a bit of self awareness. i am not a 'loon' just human.

i actually thought last night, about the posters who i may of offended. i am sorry really i am. i still defend my feelings, my right to be angry or hurt but yes i think it is time to step away for a while

i am too sensitive at times, too passionate. but i am not cold or uncaring. i wish you all well and i will end by saying i would never intentionally disrespect your dc.

bye

Isn't this a waste of time thread about a thread?

Apart from the bits about the pandas and After Eights

I actually felt very upset for you in the original thread, Rose. Not now.

Rudeness, disregarding advice from people with first hand experience, blaming everyone, frankly being a bitch to people I respect on here - all that aside, I just read a shocked, panicked, devastated Mum with a torch shining in her eyes backed into a corner.

I forgave the rudeness and put it down to your state of mind at the time.

FWIW we have had possible spectrum issues with one of our ds since nursery. He's 9 now. It doesn't just take one paed saying 'all's OK' make it 'go away'. I really hope you accept all suggestions from teachers and any other people who spend time with you ds (outside the family) seriously as although our ds doesn't quite meet any box ticking for a dx, he does still struggle a bit and it breaks our heart there's no help for him. Please keep your mind and eyes open.

Rose the reason I asked was that I could see a lot of myself and how I react to difficult, stressful situations in your responses.