Justified anger at the posters who were rude and hurtful on a past thread

[Roseability]

I haven't posted on Mumsnet for nearly a year and I am posting in this section, well because I suspect it is one of the most popular and I am hoping certain posters will read it

Just under a year ago, I posted about my ds (link provided below). An Early Years Educator had raised a concern that he was sometimes having problems following instructions.

She insinuated he had serious developmental problems and was quite negative about him. I posted for advice, because I genuinely felt she had got it wrong.

The response I got from some posters on that thread was quite frankly disgusting and had I not been too upset, I would have reported it at the time. I was called names, told I was a bad mother and told I was in denial about my ds.

I know that learning difficulties can be a sensitive area, but I stated time and time again that I was making no judgement about children with learning difficulties. I was following my instincts as a mother. Still I was insulted.

In the end my ds did have a speech & Lang assessment and he was discharged. He has settled into school really well. I still think about that thread now and then because at the time it put me in quite a bad place. I know it is strangers on the internet, but words hurt.

I suppose my point is, that I have read many a thread on here, of mothers who instinctively know their child is having developmental difficulties and are met with resistence by various authorities. It can work the other way. A mother who really believes her child is being misunderstood.

I would never neglect to support my children in the best way. Anyway, whilst there are many lovely posters on mumsnet, some are hurtful and agressive. No doubt this will be met with the usual nasty quips from some, but I don't care. One thing I have learnt is that everyone is entitled to stick up for themselves. I am not posting just because I was right. For indeed, had my ds been diagnosed with special needs, I still would have posted. That it was no way to be towards a mum in distress.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/preschool/1140182-Anyone-had-problems-with-pre-school-I-think-they-are-trying-to-label-my-son-as-autistic

So by not wanting my ds to have learning or social difficulties that may cause him hurt, automatically means i think all asd children are sullied?

bloody hell that is black and white thinking

Wibble!!

Black and white like pandas are.

Exactly. I'd had 14 years of hell with her. Nobody gave me any help or support. I tried repeatedly through school. I tried repeatedly through social services. I tried repeatedly through the GP. Heck, I even took her to the police station and tried through them. The answer was consistent: attention seeking because she needs better parenting.

Moved abroad, behaviours continued. Someone on a parenting forum here suggest autism. I cling to it like a drowning man to a lifebelt. A year later she was diagnosed and the specialist tells me I need a parenting medal for getting this far without any support.

Kladdkaka, how old was your child when they were dx'd and what was their presentation?

I've gone back and read through the other thread again and I don't see anywhere where the OP had some terrible, awful problem with SN and was rejecting her son and/or in denial. What are you all seeing that I'm not? I ask genuinely. I see someone who grew up in a household with severe mental illness react angrily and in fear to the suggestion that her son who appeared developmentally normal in all respects to her and all her family was presenting with symptoms of autism and then find it very hard that the general response on the thread seemed to be "ah, but yes, you are in denial".

It actually drives me CRAZY when nursery staff do this with people, it's so terrifyingly unprofessional and there are really very firm "lines" on not doing this. I appreciate that if you have been in the position where your child does have autism and is doing unusual things that you have no name for, it can be a relief to finally get that label but that is not what this is about, is it? This isn't a terrible slight or insult to people with SN, this is about a woman with a particular history who got a terrible shock that really rocked the foundations of her world and how an AIBU thread really, really rocked it further.

Let me quote from the old thread to refresh your memories - where is this awful bitch you all felt you interacted with?

^am not burying my head in the sand and it is suggestive phrases like that which are upsetting

We are welcoming more observation and should more issues come to light or these ones persist then yes we will have some form of assessment. But no I won't jump to an assessment based on a couple of observations that have only been communicated to me in the last week.

Yes I am a bit angry at the nursery nurse. Not because of what she told me but the manner in which it was told to me and the implied diagnosis based on in her words inconsistent patterns of few behaviours. Bloody shoot me dead if I am not allowed to be angry at that!

As a nurse I would not approach a relative suggesting diagnosis on a busy hospital corridor based on a couple of symptoms. I would get struck off.

I have listened but we just want to step back and slow it down. I am entitled to do that.

Maybe GPs don't have a good grasp of autism but my source was actually a child psychiatrist.

Oh and I will get his hearing checked out. So don't dismiss me as some stupid woman in denial. If my son has any problems I will go the length of the earth to help him but I do know that this staff member is not up to scratch and neither is the nursery - and that was heard from a reliable source

I am fortunate I have contacts because of my family's professions but that does not mean I have dismissed what nursery are saying out of hand.

I just think it is too easy to jump to a conclusion and then pick data to support that hypothesis. I know my ds is not keen on said nursery worker and he prefers other satff members
and this imploring to please listen to them as if I would jepordise my ds in any way is upsetting

I have listened. From what I have read on here the criteria for ASD seem to be so far reaching. But surely you cannot base this assumption on the fact that a child sometimes (and she did say only sometimes) does not follow instructions and likes to play with one toy more than others

I mean there could be a hundred other explanations for these behaviours. Unless there are others which she is keeping from me which would be wrong also
and also if it transpires my ds has autism I will love him just the same if not more. He will still be my darling wee boy. This is not some desire to deny there is anything wrong with my ds and make him perfect

My birth mother had schizophrenia for god sake. I lived with that and loved her still

I have not slept or eaten properly for a week and come on here for support and just get flamed

So MollieO do you think a child not following instructions a couple of times and prefering one toy over another warrants an ASD diagnosis and referral for assessment?

I am not assuming they are wrong. This might be an issue but I want to give it more time and see if it settles down. This is a new environment for him. Why are you so agressive and suggesting I am not doing the best for ds when I just want to step back and look at more evidence

I adore my ds and want the best for him. I made the mistake by posting because you seem to project your issues onto me.

I am not ignoring what they have said. They have said my ds is fine developmentally and this is not consistent. I don't see why I need to rush into anything when he isn't even at school yet and to all intents and purposes is a happy, thoughtful wee boy who isn't having major problems at nursery
It is the assumption that 'oh this is another one of those where the child is clearly autistic and she goes into denial' that pisses me off

I have repeatedly said I am not in denial about anything. I am a very open and honest person with myself and others

It is the suggestion of a diagnosis based on a couple of observations by someone not qualified to do so that I object to. That is not 'burying my head in that sand' but taking a rational and logical approach in my opinion

The suggestion of assessment based on such arbitary and inconsistent observations shocked me. Unless they are keeping back information which would also be immoral

No I won't get him assessed 'just in case'. I need more evidence provided in a more clear and detailed way

I have also said repeatedly that I have listened to what was said. I have an appt with GP and will get his hearing checked and discuss these concerns

I was under the understanding that autism in most cases caused pervasive developmental problems. I will not have my son labelled just because he has a couple of traits. I want to know this is affecting his learning and development and then I will move the earth to get the help he needs. However the deputy head stated that developmentally he is fine and indeed we have had no concerns in his five years of existence.

The nursery is a new environment for him and yes whilst I am sure that this is picked up often in this way there could be a multitude of other reasons for these observations

The fact that this worker blanked me last week says a lot about her professionalism.I was perfectly entitled to go over her head and raise my concerns.

I will get back and if it turns out he is autistic I will eat humble pie and admit my mistake. If not then it will show that people should be very careful about how they give and word advice

Whoever said that grandparents can bury their head in the sand may have a point but my MIL was the first to point out a developmental delay in another granddaughter. I trust her because although she doesn't see my ds at nursery she also has concerns about how this has been handled and she has extensive experience with pre schoolers for which she got an MBE.

I am not stupid and neither is my family. We don't recoil in horror at the idea there may be imperfections in our children. My ds is the same lovely wee boy and always will be whatever the outcome of this. He is only four and not even in school yet.

This is all I have to say because I really must stop looking on the internet it isn't doing me any good. I have RL support from a lovely family and my MIl is coming over for a chat and a cuppa just now. I wish you well and I am sure your intentions were good but rest assured I am not ignoring this and my ds will be loved and helped in any way which is needed.^

Honestly? Where does this justify such vitriol? It seems like a very normal response to the situation to me.

Oh Rose.

Rose, Rose, Rose - at the risk of being accused of bullying I'm going to have to ask you Why the FUCK you're not leaving this horror of a thread to die?

So many posters hurt, So much bad feeling and all you can say is "ME ME ME"

I'm just going for a flick through my addressbook

I'm wondering whether I can be arsed to go any further than that...I seem to remember a "reverse" "AIBU"

Just leave it alone.

I can't believe that this shit hasn't been deleted TBH

blimming eck

is there some history here that we are not party to?

A panda would have deleted this thread by now.

'cos pandas are cool.

If you only post a few word you can post much more often than if you post loads of words.

Useful tip that.

Only read the first 50 posts, but I saw a lot of good advice in there.

I think it's time to move on, if all you can remember is the negative.

Rosability - noone wants their child to have any form of sn.
But most are eagre to explore any avenue as early as pssible so that if anything is detected it is dealt with and managed asap.

burying your head 10ft underground doesn't help you or your child.

Denial is quite common early on, and i think that many people on your original thread recognised and accepted that. but your responses did seem rather OTT to me.

Like you were offended by the mere suggestion that your child was anything less than perfect. our kids may be sn but there is no way a child of yours is anything less than perfect.

can you not see why that was/is offensive?

You can post even more if you avoid thinking about what you're posting.

good god what a crock of shit this thread is!!!!

have you read anything on this thread at all? anything?

DS deals with this type of shit far better than me actually. He is used to it.

all i ever tried to do in the other thread was help. i never got narky. i didnt get aggressive, or rude, but you did.

i hid the thread before it got really arsey.

what you dont seem to understand is that your son had difficulties enough to be flagged by a professional - it doesnt matter if you label those difficulties or not.

you are now relieved because he has seen a speech therapist who said what? its all a lie? the nursery worker was wrong? and you are saying my thinking is black and white?
my son saw a speech and language therapist too - he was also discharged. he is no less aspergers because someone said he had no SAL issues. black and white thinking???

well the LEA will be rubbing their hands now then, you wont cost them any money in time or resources.

yes i am massively offended by you. i cant even begin to explain how you have made me feel. i feel like when i tried to help, you kicked me in the teeth and now have come back to do it again and again and again, and you have come back to simply say what? i was right and you were wrong, your son might have that nasty dirty ASD thing but mine hasnt, so ner ner na ner ner....

how am i meant to take that exactly? because that has been your tone through out this whole shitty thread to anyone who dared to voice their experiences, and you expect what?

i deal with people like you all the sodding time and it tires me. it upsets me.
and DS just gets on with it, and tonight he came in and saw i was upset with this thread, and he put his arms around me and hugged me.

he has more humility with his "affliction" than you have shown in any of these posts.

I've now read both threads (sans chocolate) and I have to say OP that (in my humble opinion) your concern seems only about what people may say or think about you rather than concern for your DS.

My DS is my world and if the binman, for example, suggested that he's showing signs of autism, I would be getting him every test in the book in order to diagnose, assess, understand and help him. And to hell with anyone who got in my way.

Please stop worrying about strangers on the internet and do the best by you and yours.

Have a cup of tea and hug your kids. There are real problems out there you know.

p.s. Minty matchmakers for me please (I'm not greedy - one box lasts me two nights)

Pandas aren't cool. They are lazy, feckless and bloody expensive. Not to mention entitled. I bet pandas actually invented zoos so they could move in and have all their needs met by humans.

I think I luffs Tiggy after this thread.

"But most are eagre to explore any avenue as early as pssible so that if anything is detected it is dealt with and managed asap. "

This isn't at all true, Valar. I've done this diagnostic process with HUNDREDS of people and i would say it's an even half and half. Denial very much goes iwth the territory.

Also, re: "Like you were offended by the mere suggestion that your child was anything less than perfect. our kids may be sn but there is no way a child of yours is anything less than perfect. "

If she went out of her way ANY MORE to say this was not what she thought, she would have posted nothing else. It is normal to not want your child to have autism. It does not mean that you think that people with autism are terrible, awful or less than perfect. It is the fear of the unknown and of an uncertain future.

And you know, it's not exactly a walk in the park for most people with disabilities in our current system. I wouldn't want it for my child in the world we live in.

I wonder if a panda could beat a unicorn in a fight? I suppose we'll never find out what with them being such good mates and all.

oh.
There is clearly a whole lot more to this. Anyone want to fill me in?

Im still confused as to why Shirley was "dragged in" and what her address book has to do with anything.

like, seriously, can someone explain ?

Minty Matchmakers are Twiglets in evening-wear.

"I have to say OP that (in my humble opinion) your concern seems only about what people may say or think about you rather than concern for your DS."

???????

Did you read any of the excerpt from above? Where is this coming from? It's like the Twilight Zone in here.

TiggyD

'I wonder if a panda could beat a unicorn in a fight?'

Ask Harry Hill.

p.s. anyone remember worcester sauce flavoured twiglets?

working9while5 she was 15 when she was finally diagnosed. With hindsight there were many, many autistic behaviours which just weren't recognised as such at the time. The behaviours that really were an issue were:

• quiet defiance/stubborness. She was going to do what she was going to do no matter what.
• not sleeping. She was never (still isn't) asleep before 2.00am and is up again about 6.00. As a single parent with no support, I was exhausted.
• stealing. This started when she was 4 and continued all the way through until she received CBT post diagnosis.
• talks as an olympic sport. Certainly no language delay. From the minute she gets up to the minute she goes to bed. Not conversation, just a wall of talking.
• no friends. Never been invited to a birthday party, ever. Or round to play. :(