To drop out of hen weekend?

[emmam25]

An old school friend is getting married and when she first asked about her hen weekend I agreed to go, paid £50 deposit. Since then I have had a baby and my OH has lost his job. This week I had an email about the hmmm weekend saying it would cost another £300 which I simply cannot afford, paying our bills has to come first. So I have had to say I cannot go. I did this the same day as the email arrived saying the cost of the weekend. The bride-to-be has sent a very snotty email saying that I should have said sooner as everyone else now has to cover the cost of my place on the weekend. But I only dropped out because it is so much more than I had anticipated and the full cost was only mentioned now, previously there had only been talk about "keeping costs down" and I'd expected half what it's costing. Am I being unreasonable considering the total cost has only just been revealed?

As dh has lost his job you obviously can't afford it. I also think the bride should have told you all how much it was going.

However as your circumstances have changed you should have asked before now about the cost.

Is the bride saying the others will have to pay your full £300? How many others are going on the hen do?

Yanbu. Email back & say that you are sorry she is upset but providing for your family is your priority & that you would not have agreed had you known the actual cost & had the ability to see into the future & see your family's situation.

Sorry that should be "how much it was going to cost you all"

YANBU - £350 for a weekend is alot of money and I guess you've now lost your £50 deposit?

In a little bit of defence to the bride - she's probably wrapped up in her wedding planning world and hasnt stopped to think about your position. She's probably responded without thinking.

I'd just send her an email back telling her you understand how she feels but you've been trying your best to find the money and have had to admit defeat.

Explain you're living off your maternity pay and how hard your DP is looking to find another job so life is tough at the minute. This should shake her up and make her realise how selfish she is being. If it doesnt - she's not worth bothering about! Good luck!

Sorry,that is the longest sentence ever

I do think YABU. The costs were calculated based on the numbers attending and your friend is right that now everyone else will have to pay more to cover you. So everyone will pay more than was expected.

Also, as you paid a deposit, you had made a commitment, and now you're backing out. How would you feel if you were stretching to £300 and one or two people decided to back out suddenly your costs were £350?

I understand it's not high on your priority list, but unless you paid the deposit over a year ago then you knew you were going to have a baby by the time this came round.

I think your friend has every right to be upset. Your backing out will drive up the cost for everyone and could mean that others end up pulling out.

YANBU. What Icelolly said. Besides that's what DEPOSITS are for. Whoever was organising it should have ensured that deposits would negate this situation arising. If that meant a higher deposit at the outset, then so be it. At least you'd have been able to make an informed decision then.

The bride is being outrageously unreasonable and whoever is organising it has been ripped off. I've just paid the full balance for a hen weekend in a swanky Mr & Mrs Smith hotel including all of the activities, trips and beauty treatments, and we've covered the cost of the bride, all for £179ppn. £350 is ridiculous.

These people sound like idiots. Reply as Icelolly suggested and don't give it another moments thought.

Also, its standard form to advise the hens of the maximum likely total cost before they pay a deposit. Again, these people sound like idiots.

I presume that the cost will need to be spread over the remainder of the group although I have no idea how many people this is. Tbh it hasn't occurred to me to ask about the cost earlier, I'd forgotten I'd even agreed to go. It's not a friend I see regularly but an old school friend. I feel really guilty about the whole thing but I honestly cannot conjure up any extra money whilst on maternity leave and savings need to be prioritised for the fun task of paying the bills!

That's not your problem OP. Its the problem of whoever organised it so badly that a contingency wasn't in place for this kind of eventuality.

AntsMarching Unless emmam25's the odd one out in the brides friends and all the rest are much better off, 350quid to spend on a hen weekend is bonkers, I've had stag weekends abroad cheaper than that all in, and as young single childless men in good jobs we could all afford it.

And if she is the odd one out, and the others are better off financially, well then 400 rather than 350 is fine (and I imagine there's quite a few more than 7 others going so not a significant cost)

YANBU to not want to spend 350 quid on a hen weekend, the bride is BVU to expect you to!

Ants - it was well over a year ago it was all first touted/engagement announced. And it wasn't a planned pregnancy so, no, I hadn't got a clue when I paid the £50 that I'd be dropping out because I'd be on maternity leave.

Emmam25 - you sound like me and until she accepts your situation it'll be on your mind - right?

Email her back as per Icelolly and maybe suggest you go out for a meal locally to celebrate - put something like you can never have too many hen do's! :)

I hope she understands and try not to worry too much! You've just had a baby and that is the main priority in your life. I guess she doesnt have children?

I agree it's a lot of money and I wouldn't want to pay it.

It's the principle. Don't agree to an event without some discussion of cost if there is a possibility that the cost will be prohibitive.

I also understand that you have to have priorities but everyone else in that group may have budgeted and now there budgets are blown because someone backs out.

So yes, I do think the bride has a right to be upset, regardless of whether the costs are justified, as it could now mean that others will back out or at the very least be put out that they have to pay more.

I understand how you feel but can understand that the bride would be annoyed at someone pulling out at the last minute.

If I were in your position I would respond to brides email by offering apologies but explaining your changed circumstances and asking her for a breakdown of the costs. £300 does sound a lot for a weekend. Does that include food which will now not be charged as you aren't going? Hotels usually accept 24/48 hours notice for cancellation so your room costs might be able to be deducted?

YANBU.

If your email was apologetic and the cost was double what you anticipated, then you're not unreasonable at all.

I understand the bride being upset, but £300 is a LOT of money. The bride should be thinking of others as well as herself really, and we can't all do exactly what we want when its dependant on others digging deep.

YANBU, £350 is a ludicrous amount to expect people to pay for a hen weekend, particularly when you've only just been told what the full amount would be.
If they've had a year to plan, then they have definitely had long enough to let you know what the full amount would have been much earlier than this.
If the bride is a good friend she will understand this.

I wouldn't go based on a hen do costing £350 anyway, that's fooking ridiculous!

Emmam25 - for what it's worth I don't blame you for dropping out. But I still think your friend has a right to be upset and that you need to be sensitive of her feelings.

I've been organiser too many times where someone has pulled out and driven up the cost for others. Then everyone blames the organiser and it makes you feel pretty bad. It's why I refuse to organise anything that requires deposits, especially as I've had to eat the costs at times when I've paid the deposit and then someone decides to pull out and doesn't realise that I've put the money up and won't get it back.

The bride should be upset at whoever has organised it. DP and I have organised/been involved with 1076 (or 1077? can't be sure) hen & stag dos over the years and its standard practice to agree with hotels/venues/providers that once deposits are collected, that is peoples only financial commitment until final balance is taken.

If the organiser has got herself in a situation whereby hotels/venues/providers are demanding the full balance based on original numbers, then, frankly, she is an idiot. Fair enough if the OP had paid the balance and was now asking for it back, she'd be U.

but Ants, there is no need to get yourself into that situation.

Would you have been alright leaving your new baby for the full weekend? Could you really enjoy it even if you could afford it?

Christ knows what they have planned, you couldve to Spain for a week for that amount. Having said that I bet the others think its a lot of money as well. They won't be happy having to pay extra.

You book a hotel/venue/activity and pay a deposit. That should be your ONLY financial commitment to the hotel/venue/provider. That's the point of deposits.