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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To drop out of hen weekend?

174 replies

emmam25 · 11/01/2012 08:35

An old school friend is getting married and when she first asked about her hen weekend I agreed to go, paid £50 deposit. Since then I have had a baby and my OH has lost his job. This week I had an email about the hmmm weekend saying it would cost another £300 which I simply cannot afford, paying our bills has to come first. So I have had to say I cannot go. I did this the same day as the email arrived saying the cost of the weekend. The bride-to-be has sent a very snotty email saying that I should have said sooner as everyone else now has to cover the cost of my place on the weekend. But I only dropped out because it is so much more than I had anticipated and the full cost was only mentioned now, previously there had only been talk about "keeping costs down" and I'd expected half what it's costing. Am I being unreasonable considering the total cost has only just been revealed?

OP posts:

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 12/01/2012 11:13

I think it's weird too - surely hen nights, like New Year's Eve, are by their nature a bit crap? No-one wants to spend loads of money on going on holiday with people they otherwise wouldn't, just because their friend is about to get married. ESPECIALLY as more and more weddings involve most/all of the guests having to travel and stay overnight etc, whether by choice (married in greece etc) or for family reasons.

Urgh, if you want to do something expensive only invite the people who you really want to be there, and expect to cover most of the costs unless your mates are loaded.

YouOldSlag · 12/01/2012 12:12

Fiona Bruise- why thank you :-)

Truly- I have had to turn down 3 hen parties/breaks in the last 2 years because I just can't justify spending that amount of money on myself without my kids getting a holiday too.-
Exactly- that's the problem I have too. Bridezillas expect the world on a plate and forget a) how expensive children are and b) the fact that children are kind of.. a priority over expensive jollies that leave the family skint.

YouOldSlag · 12/01/2012 12:12

Where did my formatting go? dammit.

IloveJudgeJudy · 12/01/2012 12:13

My hen night was a night out at a restaurant with 10 friends/family, with dancing at an all-inclusive price so everyone knew what they were paying upfront. Was a long time ago, though.

StickAForkInMeImDone · 12/01/2012 12:18

I loved my 'hen night. It was a night away in a hotel but in my defence I asked my friends what they wanted to do and what their budget was. We then chose a night away based on what the lowest budget was. It came in at under £70 for an evening meal, hotel room and breakfast the next morning. We all paid for our own drinks, so no "drink rounds". It was a fantastic night and I can't imagine how it could have been better even if we had spent 5 times that much.

aldiwhore · 12/01/2012 12:22

A lot of my friends were students when I got married, so when we planned the hen night we did it in such a way that you could drop in or drop out of certain parts of the whole thing.

I did need numbers for a couple of things (like the spa and the meal) but although I asked for a deposit, I didn't need to give numbers until a week before.

It was wonderful actually, a different dynamic to the group all through the day and into the night... needless to say, I ended up with my student friends towards the end of the night as everyone else had gone home.

ViviPru · 12/01/2012 12:24

The hen night I've just paid for (taking place in april) was booked after the bride spoke to us all individually in person about our expectations/budget.

As I mentioned earlier, its costing £179 all-in for a UK city break (with all the trimmings). Its being organised by the MoH, who has emailed us all at every stage of the planning/booking to keep us in the loop and check everyone's still on board.

I understand the price we all pay will cover the bride. Standard form. We have all paid the balance in full, 3 months prior, on the understanding it it non-refundable. Before paying the balance in full, we have been given the option of declining.

That's how to do it. Not difficult?

StickAForkInMeImDone · 12/01/2012 12:28

Vivi That all sounds very sensible and the right way to arrange it.
But is it really standard form to pay for the bride? because if so I'm going a'knocking on my friends doors tonight demanding the money they owe me

ViviPru · 12/01/2012 12:29

I don't know - I think so, It always has been the understanding on all the dos I've been on and likewise DPs stag dos....

tomverlaine · 12/01/2012 12:46

I don't think you are unreasonable to pull out given the circumstances but you could have done it better. When asked if you wanted to continue when you knew you were pregnant why didn't you ask what the plans were then? or when your DP got made redundant?
How soon is the hen weekend?

Its all very well calling the bride bridezilla but this happens a lot in other circumstances- I used to be involved in a club that organised weekends away (with details/price pretty much known up front) and many people used to drop out last minute with various reasons

YouOldSlag · 12/01/2012 16:43

tomverlaine= perhaps when OP discovered she was pregnant and when her husband lost his job, perhaps her first priority was not telling the bride to be about whether or not she could make a supposedly cheap hen weekend. Perhaps she was more worried about her baby/the mortgage/her husband/the bills.

The OP said the cost was a shock to her and was unexpected. She told the bride the same day she had that information.

People have lives that are quite separate from one woman's wedding fever.

katkitya · 12/01/2012 17:58

Im sorry, I dont agree. £50 is abig deposit for anything. That shouldve rang alarm bells. When she found out she was pregnant she was specifically asked if she would beable to manage it. From what I understand the hen night is imminent, the baby is about three weeks old.

Figgyrolls · 12/01/2012 18:14

My hen night was at my dsis house, was brilliant, all costs paid upfront so only taxi costs for the night. Everyone lived relatively locally and all knew each other so if not local could stay with each other. Was the best hen night I've ever been on

redwineformethanks · 12/01/2012 19:54

OP hasn't come back to say that it's ages away and loads of time to re-arrange or invite other people. I suspect the hen weekend is quite soon. I completely understand that her mind was elsewhere, with new baby and OH losing his job, but still think it would be very unfair if other people had to pay her share.

Sarraburd · 12/01/2012 20:40

I've organised at least 7 hen nights and never not had a couple of drop outs

life's like that, tends to deal the odd backhander...

What if OP were still in hospital with baby in ITU, death in family - or indeed just very ill with flu?

If bridezilla only confirmed the astronomical costs (in the middle of the worst recession in years) too close to the event to get costs back on any drop outs (and not planned that there may well be drop outs) I don't have much sympathy.

Although I do also think op was mad not to drop out when she found out she was having a baby!

Sarraburd · 12/01/2012 20:42

Ps and going out on a limb I also rather think bridezilla should cover the extra rather than her friends if she left it so late...

Sarraburd · 12/01/2012 20:48

And if they were "keeping costs down" in bridezilla's understanding of a budget, she/her friends can probably afford the extra anyway.

smithster · 12/01/2012 21:23

Yanbu. bloody people with fancy ideas for weddings and hen dos that cost everybody that goes a fortune are the ones being unreasonable. don't worry about it, it's a load of money pissed up against the wall, hopefully not literally....

myncichips · 12/01/2012 22:01

YANBU you can't demand £300 from people once you're past the point where people can drop out. You won't be the only one dropping out now that cost has been revealed. If the hen party is soon then it's too much for people to cough up with no notice and if it's not for a while then they'll be able to cancel your spot/replace you. I'd be so pissed about this and be on MN with an "AIBU to be pissed about the price of this hen do"

I had a murder mystery in my own home with a mountain of booze and food which I paid for as I didn't want to make my more broke friends feel they had to shell out. They all only paid their travel and crashed here- it was brilliant!

It's fine to have a pricey do but only with a lot of notice and time for people to drop out.

Jenstar21 · 12/01/2012 22:17

Currently organising a hen do for my best friend. We've specifically made it so people can come to parts of the day/certain activities, and there's no pressure to participate in all of the parts. I reckon the top price, if you do everything, including the accommodation option, is £150. The cheapest thing is £10 plus BYOB. I think that's a reasonable spread.

joannita · 12/01/2012 22:20

I think the bride is being unreasonable in having such an expensive hen weekend. There's no need for spending £350.00 especially when you think that at least a few of the hens will probably be getting married over the next few years. If everyone makes their friends fork out so much and then they have to buy wedding presents and pay hotel bills etc. it gets really expensive. YANBU, she has organised it badly and she should have warned you about the cost. You will have to try to be gracious I suppose and explain that you wouldn't have paid the deposit if you had known how much the whole thing would be.

marmiteandjam · 12/01/2012 22:32

I had the same situation recently although I hadn't paid a deposit. I said I would go on the weekend and then all of a sudden I got an email saying the bride's mum had paid £150 for each of us and she needed it NOW!!! I was under the impression that we would all just pay as and when. As it turned out I couldn't get a babysitter (single mum) and had to pull out. The bride was a bit narked but I had to stick to my guns which is what you will have to do.

I do not think you are being unreasonable.

Emmac50 · 12/01/2012 22:34

Does not give a fig....has my brain fallen out...no it hasn't. I like most would ask the price before committing! I on that front only invited close friends and family. £350 is loads. I agree about non close people have a cheap night out if you want others to turn up

zipzap · 13/01/2012 00:31

Can you imagine how expensive this would be if the bride WASN'T trying to keep costs down...!!!

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