To drop out of hen weekend?

[emmam25]

An old school friend is getting married and when she first asked about her hen weekend I agreed to go, paid £50 deposit. Since then I have had a baby and my OH has lost his job. This week I had an email about the hmmm weekend saying it would cost another £300 which I simply cannot afford, paying our bills has to come first. So I have had to say I cannot go. I did this the same day as the email arrived saying the cost of the weekend. The bride-to-be has sent a very snotty email saying that I should have said sooner as everyone else now has to cover the cost of my place on the weekend. But I only dropped out because it is so much more than I had anticipated and the full cost was only mentioned now, previously there had only been talk about "keeping costs down" and I'd expected half what it's costing. Am I being unreasonable considering the total cost has only just been revealed?

Well, if it's UK based, the hotel is surely going to be the main part of the cost. As long as it's far enough in advance, your share of that can be cancelled, no problem. Spa treatments, same deal. Maybe she was putting together a kitty for food and drink? But for, how much, £100/£200 each??

Are you still going to go to the wedding? Maybe you can find out there what they did. If it doesn't include mining their own diamonds, I'll be disappointed.

If you're not close friends and you truly believe you were invited to make up numbers then I wouldn't worry about it any longer.

I'd also look at how involved in your pregnancy she has been - good friends would have visited, asked about you and your baby etc - maybe this is worth considering?

I also find it very hard to believe that you have no idea where you're going for a hen weekend that has been in the planning for over a year. Inclined to agree with newmummy in thinking that you just don't want to share all the details for fear of being outed.

I genuinely can't think of one scenario where a deposit has been paid, but then someone pulling out means that others need to pick up the tab. As others have said, the very nature of a deposit is so that if someone cancels, the venue keeps the monies that have already been paidd, but doesn't charge the full cost.

Even if they were flying somewhere, flights are not things that you put down deposits for. You've either paid for a flight or haven't paid for a flight - it can't be the case that your seat on a plane is booked if you haven't actually paid for it.

Something very fishy going on here.

If I was one of the other attendees, even if I could afford the money, I'd want to know up front what it was going on - in my experience part of the whole bridezilla/maid of honour-zilla shebang is that the hen weekend is planned down to the nth degree with a clockwork itinerary, so everyone knows up front what they are doing!

Paying all that money without knowing if you're going pot-holing or cake decorating is very odd.

fuck her, honestly. I hate people that expect people to stump up £300 for aHen weekend. YANBU

Sorry, just read OP's last post.

There is no reason at all why anyone else would have to cough up to cover your share if the hen is just a weekend in the UK in a hotel.

A deposit is a deposit which you will lose, but I'm willing to bet the bride is just trying to make you feel guilty for pulling out.

She doesn't sound like any kind of decent friend, OP. I wouldn't trouble yourself about this any more.

Of course YANBU for all the reasons everyone else has given - you'd be a total mug to spend this kind of money given your current cirumstances.

£300 for a hen weekend
I am in the process of organising my sil to be's weekend, its £100 per person!

Surely what's going on is that the bride isn't paying herself and so everyone else's cost includes a payment towards the bride's costs. If one person drops out, price goes up for everyone.

I'm not at all excusing it (fine on a £20 meal not ok for a weekend away!) but bet that's it!

I would normally say YABU as generally hen weekend away do cost a lot of money. However, your OH has lost his job so a bit different! How anyone cannot be sympathetic when a friend tells you there OH has been made redundant is beyond me.

Apologise again and say you'd rather be supportive to your OH and save money where you can. I'm sure if it was the other way round, i.e. your OH had to drop out of a stag weekend then he'd be thinking the same thing.

OP, YANBU for pulling out because you can't afford it but YABU for paying over a deposit and not finding out a ball park figure of how much this hen weekend was going to cost. It was your responsibility to check that you could afford to go. But it does sound a very badly organised weekend if they have taken £350 of everyone without telling anyone what it is for.

How about this........possible viewpoint of one of the other people going -

"My finances are very tight, but I've really pushed the boat out to go on a hen weekend. It's more than I'm comfortable spending and not somewhere I would have chosen, but I felt I really wanted to go for the bride's sake. I am good friends with the bride but don't know her other pals. I've saved like mad and over extended my credit card so I can go. Now, one of her pals, who I don't even know, has cancelled and I've been asked to pay £40 extra to cover her share. I can't afford it. I feel really upset and angry that I'm being asked to pay more than my share, to cover for someone else."

Well, redwine, I'd reply...

"How are the finances for this weekend being sorted? What exactly are you being asked to cover? Surely if she's pulled out, there's enough time to cancel things without having to pay for them in full? What exactly are you doing on this hen weekend, mining diamonds???"

I agree redwineformethanks - and if I was in that situation I'd be really angry about paying the extra money, but I also think that with the OP's partners job situation it's totally understandable that she can't go.

How a hen do in the UK can cost £350 is beyond me.

The only thing I can think is that a pamper package has been bought for 10 say? And now it's 9. If the hotel can't bend the rules, given the situation, then it doesn't deserve the money the party will spend on food/drink.

I just think the extra money comment by the bride was said in anger. She's hopefully regretting her actions now.

The poor OP has a month old baby, a partner with no job and this is the last thing she needs guilt tripping about. Especially by a woman that she isn't that great friends with.

mining diamonds

TBH, I would not have given a deposit not knowing what I was getting myself into.
They should have provided a ballpark figure for the total costs. If they hadn't anything booked why did they even ask for a deposit?

She's not a close friend, you need the money, you replied as soon as you got the e-mail, so she is being unreasonable.

Really Gumby? My experience has been that the 'boozy night out' hen parties have been arranged by the bride but the 'elaborate weekend away' ones have been arranged, with much forward planning and secrecy, so as to surprise the bride, by a bridesmaid, often the bride's sister. If the bride has done it herself I'm afraid I'd add 'failure to delegate' to the evidence of her disorganisation / learning points.

Anyway, let us know how you get on OP and enjoy the time with your baby.

Same IME too, Lottie

"Faliure to delegate" Arf. Am loving this thread for getting my rocks off this morning :)

TBH I'd rather donate 300 pounds worth of toilet roll to the local church than go on this hen do. and I'm an atheist.

And "learning points" hahahaha.

Dear Bridezilla,

In light of your recent unreasonable behaviour (as decreed by MN jury) I thought it might be useful to highlight some learning points for you arising from this situation.

1. Failure to delegate
2. Etc etc etc.....

I have been on many hen weekends and organised several myself. For every single one a budget is agreed before anyone commits/pays money.

OP, all you can do is apologise but DH losing his job is a very valid reason to have to pull out. Explain you have not been kept in the loop with regard to the plans/costs so had no idea it would be so expensive. I may have missed it, but how soon is the hen weekend? If its still a couple of weeks or more away there shouldn't be any problem with reducing numbers for activities. Sounds like whoever is organising doesn't want the hassle of changing numbers etc.

If the organiser has arranged to rent a holiday home for the weekend, then one person dropping out will indeed bump up the cost for everyone else. But that's what deposits are for, and surely one person's share of a cottage or whatnot isn't going to come to £350?

Even if it does come to £350 then that's an extra £30 maybe each. Not ideal, but then you know the risks when you enter into this kind of thing. Anyway, it's not too late for them to downscale if need be.

BTW I doubt btw that you'll be the only person dropping out. £350 pp for a fantastic weekend isn't out of this world, but it's not a drop in the ocean either (particularly when it was originally stated that they wanted to "keep the costs down".

Agree with others that there's summat fishy going on here. I wonder if whoever took the deposit (the b2b?) even has it anymore.

You should've been advised of the costs before it was booked. I've no more to say really.

Well, I suppose the holiday house scenario would mean that they'd all be paying more... But could that be what they're doing? Where they'll have to do their won washing up?

Wow thats a lot of money - I organised my sisters hen weekend staying in a gorgeous funky house by the sea we paid £125 each including food which I thought was a bargain though a few people complained. Complainers were totally free to drop out though none did all came and had a great time.