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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To drop out of hen weekend?

174 replies

emmam25 · 11/01/2012 08:35

An old school friend is getting married and when she first asked about her hen weekend I agreed to go, paid £50 deposit. Since then I have had a baby and my OH has lost his job. This week I had an email about the hmmm weekend saying it would cost another £300 which I simply cannot afford, paying our bills has to come first. So I have had to say I cannot go. I did this the same day as the email arrived saying the cost of the weekend. The bride-to-be has sent a very snotty email saying that I should have said sooner as everyone else now has to cover the cost of my place on the weekend. But I only dropped out because it is so much more than I had anticipated and the full cost was only mentioned now, previously there had only been talk about "keeping costs down" and I'd expected half what it's costing. Am I being unreasonable considering the total cost has only just been revealed?

OP posts:
Appuskidu · 11/01/2012 12:56

I'm stunned you agreed do this without knowing where you were going and what you were doing!

Email her back and apologise but explain your financial situation. Ask where she's booked and and for the details; say you'll ring them and try to resolve the situation.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 11/01/2012 12:59

There are plenty of Hen night situations where a price is based on how many booked. They could include a spa package, hotel deal, hiring a cottage or hiring a coach to get wherever they are going.

If I were one of the other hens, there is no way I would be paying any extra to cover someone else who had to drop out. I don't think that's part of the risk you take at all as a hen who has already been told the cost. I think that extra cost should be up to the bride to find, she's the one that chose or agreed to the ridiculously expensive hen night in the first place.

I think the fact that bride asked you if you would still go when you found out you were pregnant does mean that YAB a little more U than I previously thought. You knew you were having a baby and you might not have known how hard that would be or that your dh would get made redundant, but you were given a chance to think about whether you definatly wanted to make a commitment or not. You took the risk saying yes when there is always a chance for everyone that redundancy could happen, the bride couldn't just ignore you when you said you were still going to go and plan as if you weren't going just because you had a baby.

I think you should find out that your place definitely isn't going to cost anyone else any more money, and then contribute the figure that you were expecting to have to pay before you were told the cost. As you didn't cancel as soon as you found out your dh was made redundant and waited until you found out the price, you were still committed to paying something, even if it was only another £50.

imamummyandananny · 11/01/2012 13:17

Why oh why are people now so set on hen weekends....and £350 is a ridiculous amount of money.

My hen 'night' was dancing in a local town centre bar, dressed up in l plates. No need for activities and spa breaks.

Don't go, save your money for your family.

zipzap · 11/01/2012 15:38

Do you think other hens had already dropped out hence pushing price up?

Definitely think you need to push her for venue/activity details to tell us to ring and explain dropping out. As others have said the thread from last year has lots of parallels with this There someone was in the same situation and the bride tried to extract loads of money despite the fact nothing had been paid up front and wouldn't have needed to have been paid when she contacted the venue; just the bride trying to extract money to reduce their costs. She (other bride) was happy to lie to the hen guest - do you think the bride here would?

Yankeecandlequeen · 11/01/2012 16:07

The bride sounds like an arse. YANBU. What would she say if ...say a berevement happened? Would she be as arsey then? You have no reason to explain the ins & outs to her. Stand by your guns & stay home.

FFS who goes on a hen do for £350???

PinkAndPurplePirateGirl · 11/01/2012 16:26

I too really disagree with the concept of hen and stag weekends and think they are getting absolutely ridiculous. I haven't been on any but DH has been on stag weekends all over the world, and some of his friends have even had stag holidays lasting up to a fortnight, luckily I forbid him from going on them he doesn't go on them.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 11/01/2012 16:28

Cor blimey, I don't blame you OP. My friend "kept the cost down" for her hen weekend - in her case that meant I think the whole thing was about £60 including food.

Best of luck with everything.

frostyfingers · 11/01/2012 16:51

I'm so glad that my hen "w/end" was a day at the races, with a picnic, followed by a meal out in a local restaurant in the evening. It covered all the bases for those who wanted a day or night out, and I think cost about £50 for the whole day (twas a long time ago....!)

When I went on holiday to Menorca a while ago I was gobsmacked at the number of hen and stag groups were at the airport - where does the money come from? Even with cheap flights they must costs ££££s.

OP - YANBU, I think a second, polite explanation and apology should do it, and if it isn't someone especially close to you then if they get huffy and uninvite you to the wedding, or cut you off then it really isn't the end of the world.

SantasENormaSnob · 11/01/2012 16:54

£350 is ridiculous for a hen do IMO

Even more so as the hens weren't advised of the cost from the start.

katkitya · 11/01/2012 17:35

Did you get all the details from her so that you can ring the venue up yourself? You must have done it by now.

I think the fact she asked you whether you would be up for it having just had a baby was the right thing for her to do and you really shouldve got out then. Even without the money it must have crossed your mind how exhausting having a newborn might be, how you might not be able to leave her or trust anyone to look after her. Having a baby changes your life completely, you must have known that. No more drunken weekends away until you are really 100% sure, Im afraid!! Smile

In the meantime, I wouldnt ignore it. Its up to you to dig further. Im sure its just a simple case of making a couple of phone calls.

Nanny0gg · 11/01/2012 17:56

If it's a Hen do with people included who aren't close friends - good or old maybe, but not close, then I think expensive affairs are unreasonable anyway.

Why would you spend £100+ to go away with someone you rarely see with people you don't know?

Mad!

manticlimactic · 11/01/2012 18:05

Who remembers a similar thread a bit back where the Bride had said the exact same thing and when the hen who was pulling out checked the bride didn't even have to pay for her place.

What happened with that one in the end?

Tigerstripes · 11/01/2012 18:19

I remember the other thread. I don't know what happened after the OP found out her friend (the bride) had lied to her. Wonder if they're still friends.

UserNameNotAvailable · 11/01/2012 20:11

YANBU I thought thats what deposits were for, covering any cancellations.

I don't understand all these expensive do's, whats the matter with a meal/pub crawl or hiring a room for a private party of friends and any female rellies that might like a cheapish night out to celebrate the wedding?

YouOldSlag · 11/01/2012 21:26

Having a baby changes your life completely, you must have known that. No more drunken weekends away until you are really 100% sure, Im afraid!!

You can't blame the OP for not realising how much a baby changes your life. Nobody knows until they have one. Also- drunken weekends aren't cancelled when you become a parent but they take more planning and they might not be as often.

I don't see how you're to blame OP. I bet if you contact the venue/hotel as per previous suggestions you could easily get out of it cost free. Cancellations are part of life and hotels are quite prepared for this!

Emmac50 · 11/01/2012 21:43

I'm sorry but had to respond as I was the bride 2 years ago. I suggested going away and these people said about this place. I got it sorted. They all knew how much it was going to be. The week before they pulled out and left me skint on my hen weekend. Needless to say v v v hacked off and left me out of pocket. They had also booked to go on our wedding. I appreciate it would have been costly but they did have 10 months to tell me not the last minute. Needless to say they are no longer my friends as they put a damper on my special time. If you have left it a long time from weekend away then that's slightly better but not completely forgivable. You must have know you had less money with your maternity and should always ask before committing yourself to something Smile

skybluepearl · 11/01/2012 21:49

Can you just say you are very sorry but your DH has lost his job and the costs are much more than you expected and you were quite surprised after discussions about keeping costs low.

YouOldSlag · 11/01/2012 21:54

I bet that if brides stopped expecting such lavish hen weekends these arguments would cease to exist. How about a night out with a net curtain on your head and a couple of L plates like the olden days? Arguments about pulling out of £350 weekends when your husband has lost his job just wouldn't be an issue.

I sometimes think a bit of power goes to bride's head (not directed at you Emma50), just the general frenzied madness of it all. Heaven forbid anyone has any other priorities such as paying a mortgage or raising kids when there's a wedding being planned!

It's obviously much more sensible to get the hens to pay for their own. i.e this is the flight you need, this is the hotel you need, here's the website. If you can't make it, it's your own money you'll lose.

nicknamenotinuse · 11/01/2012 22:23

YOU ARE NOT BEING UNREASONABLE and anyone who says you are is wrong. Very very wrong.

missslc · 11/01/2012 22:56

I have no sympathy for brides who book expensive weddings or hen weekends....expect people to pull out if younputvthem in the embarrassing position of having to agree to some overpriced junket just for you.....without fully revealing the cost up front.

Canceling last min is bad form but things happen......this always happens at weddings, so brides should plan hens knowing someone will cancel.
I do not think the op has cancelled last minute......more at the first stage the cost was revealed.
Many brides seem to become more egocentric if they are already this way when it comes to their weddings.
Very childish. I would be happy to lose the friend over it if she is not being understanding of your situation.

YouOldSlag · 12/01/2012 09:53

Agree with nickname and missic. Don't feel bad OP, the bride should feel bad for coming up with silly money style plans and pressuring a new mum with an unemployed husband. She's only getting married, she's not Queen of The World.

FionaBruise · 12/01/2012 10:23

ha well said OldSlag
you have soooo got the best name btw

DoesNotGiveAFig · 12/01/2012 10:30

I'm sorry but had to respond as I was the bride 2 years ago. I suggested going away and these people said about this place. I got it sorted. They all knew how much it was going to be. The week before they pulled out and left me skint on my hen weekend. Needless to say v v v hacked off and left me out of pocket. They had also booked to go on our wedding. I appreciate it would have been costly but they did have 10 months to tell me not the last minute. Needless to say they are no longer my friends as they put a damper on my special time. If you have left it a long time from weekend away then that's slightly better but not completely forgivable. You must have know you had less money with your maternity and should always ask before committing yourself to something

Sorry your friends let you down, but you should really read the OP properly. She DIDN'T know she was pregnant when she agreed, and she DIDN'T know her DP would lose his job, and she DIDN'T know it was going to cost £350, the day she found out she told the bride. The OP expected something half the price as she was led to believe costs would be kept down.

I can't stand the "my special time" attitude. Does your brain fall out if you get like that and you lose all empathy or something?

trulyscrumptious43 · 12/01/2012 10:32

Glad to see this thread because I'm appalled at the number of expensive hen nights/weekends which people are expected to go on these days.

My friend went on 2 hen weeks last year which were both skiing breaks, costing her quite a bit, (she's a LP) and now one of the marriages is taking place in Greece, which is a lovely idea but means my friend can't afford a family holiday this year!

When did it become the norm for brides to expect their friends to cough up to spend some time with her (presumably before she sinks without trace into the morrass of marriage?)

I have had to turn down 3 hen parties/breaks in the last 2 years because I just can't justify spending that amount of money on myself without my kids getting a holiday too.

YANBU!

trulyscrumptious43 · 12/01/2012 10:33

Urgh at 'my special time'. Have it on your own then if it's so special, stop expecting other people to fork out to make you happy.