To drop out of hen weekend?

[emmam25]

An old school friend is getting married and when she first asked about her hen weekend I agreed to go, paid £50 deposit. Since then I have had a baby and my OH has lost his job. This week I had an email about the hmmm weekend saying it would cost another £300 which I simply cannot afford, paying our bills has to come first. So I have had to say I cannot go. I did this the same day as the email arrived saying the cost of the weekend. The bride-to-be has sent a very snotty email saying that I should have said sooner as everyone else now has to cover the cost of my place on the weekend. But I only dropped out because it is so much more than I had anticipated and the full cost was only mentioned now, previously there had only been talk about "keeping costs down" and I'd expected half what it's costing. Am I being unreasonable considering the total cost has only just been revealed?

Good post, OldSlag

ViviPur!

I think we'd all be able to comment better if we knew what the weekend consists of?

My hen do was abroad ... but my maid of honour sent out an email a year before saying we're looking at spending no more than X and planning X on said date. She also included a get out saying we understood family commitments/work/etc take precident so if you can't make it we'll be having a local booze up too. See, you really can never have too many hen do's!

(Although I'd probably worry about that being a patronising thing to do, her finances being her own concern, etc, etc, and would tie myself up in English knots of embarrassment. )

What the hell is the activity/venue that costs so much money, and why will your cost have to be picked up by everyone else? Surely if they've booked, say, a weekend in a posh hotel or a spa, all that happens is they cancel your place, you lose your deposit and everyone else pays the original amount. I don't understand why the cost is passed to others. Can you let us know what the weekend consists of?

I'm also a bit about you having to pay £50 deposit over a year in advance. Did you even know what it was for i.e. what you'd be doing on the weekend? Did the bride not let everyone know the full cost at time of taking your deposits?

It sounds a bit fishy to me. Bride takes £50 deposit off all the hen party - for ten people that would be a cool £500. Then waits an entire year before telling you the full cost? Did she really pay all the deposits back then? If I were you I'd do a bit of digging - ring the venue and explain, tell them you understand you'll lose the £50 deposit for x's hen weekend on x date and find out whether others will have to absorb the cost if you pull out. I'm willing to bet that either she hasn't paid the deposits yet at all, in which case you can have yours back, or that deposits are paid and you'll lose it but no-one will have to pick up your cost. I don't know, but this just doesn't sound right to me.

There was a very similar thread last year where the OP couldn't attend a hen weekend and the organiser was demanding the full cost from her. Iirc she did some digging and found out from the venue that she didn't have to pay the balance at all. It was very complex and went on for pages but if you can find it it'd be worth a read.

Wildfig i thought that was a nice sentiment. But I know what you mean about then having a "what would AIBU say" moment after your intitial genuine and kind reaction!

The costs should have been made clear at the start....and you should have been aware of what you were paying into.

YANBU to pull out...but definitely shouldn't expect your deposit back.

The 2b will be dissapointed...but will have to get over it and see this as a lesson learned. Even with meticulous planning, you have to allow for some flexibility...and changes along the way.

As most of us are saying. Get in touch with the hotel. Unless she has rented a castle for the weekend!

Yikes - I am planning a low-key hen night and was worrying that £20 a head might be a lot to ask!

Even the most extravagant ones I've been on didn't cost as much as £300 for a weekend away, apart from one that was in Amsterdam, but that was a bit of a one-off.

she's going to go nuts when guests drop out last minute and she has to do a new table plan and still pay for the meals!

Things like this happen when planning a wedding.

That should have been b2b (bride to be).

There's no reason to suggest that she's been dishonest in any way....just made a huge faux pas by not letting her party know the total costs up front and allowing a bit of flexibility.

No need for a complete falling out over this.

She probably has enough stress as it is (in organising her wedding). Shame someone else couldn't have taken this on for her.

Quite, Newmummy. I'm almost inclined to have a whip-round for the OP so she can still remain on good terms with this bridezilla and we can all enjoy the story unfolding via the medium of AIBUs over her outrageous behaviour.

YANBU op, £350 for a hen weekend is bloody ridiculous, your priority is your family and paying your bills, and in your situation I would have done the same.

Disclaimer- only read op's first post so was just responding to that.

YANBU

When did weddings turn in to these huge events that last weeks instead of a day. With a hen do, wedding present, drinks, outfits and taxis/hotel it easily costs £100s to guests because someone wants to get married. I actually feel relieved to get an invite to a small do.

AGree with Softykitty as I saw that thread too - check they really have to pay (not suggesting bride is trying to stitch you up, she may just not realise).

I think bride should have told you cost sooner, but I also think you should have asked too to be honest - sorry.

ViviPru I'm assuming that when they all paid a £50 deposit, there was some discussion about likely venues, activities, so OP knew it wasn't going to be a cheap local meal out. For that reason I think it would have been better if at an earlier stage, the OP had flagged up the possibility that cost could be an issue for her. If she'd warned the hen earlier that she might not be able to go, then perhaps someone else could have taken her place.

That said, weddings are silly season and I don't like the idea that people feel blackmailed into incurring costs they can't afford just because it's wedding related.

In my head, because I go away with the girls alot, if it was told to me what was going to happen at this weekend I could have worked out myself roughly how much it was going to cost. Abroad?£250 minimum. Night out at local Nic the Greeks restaurant? £40. You can kind of estimate it.

We are all still gagging to know what the plans are ?

Yes, I agree, redwine, I'm keen to know whether a discussion of this nature took place.

YANBU. A real friend would understand. And £350 for a weekend is NUTS. so over self-obsessed bloody brides. Good luck.

Sorry to disappoint but I don't even know where/what is happening on this weekend as details have been few and far between.

Also, I agree I probably should have asked for a ball park figure before but I guess I thought "keeping the costs down" meant about £150 max cost? And have had a few other things on my mind recently

I suppose I am bu to drop out but I haven't any choice, I don't have the money so I can't do it!

I guess you should have asked upfront earlier how much it would cost in total, there is noway I would pay £300 anyway. But you should have let her know as soon as you were pregnant and your dh was loosing his job, not left it for her to e mail you all with the cost.

YANBU to back out, it is a lot of money, especially your having a baby and your dh loosing his job.

Then again, the bride or the hen organiser should also have been up front with the total cost, not just spring it on you there an then.

So they want you to spend £350 on a hen weekend and haven't even told you where your money's going?! This gets nuttier. You ought to re-read the thread, OP because its almost universally a YANBU.

Besides, even if you weren't struggling with your current financial pressures, you'd be thoroughly reasonable to drop put regardless based purely on £350 for a hen weekend.

And that's why I don't do 'hen weekends'
A hen night, in my local town, great. I can even stretch to a daytime activity, childcare permitting. But a weekend away? Nah. Next time, just say no.