grandparent names conflict

[anya1963]

hi,. i hope its not inappropriate for grandparents to post messages but i need some advice on grandparent names. i have just become a grandparent for the first time and now have the most gorgeous grandson born on 17th december 2011. there is conflict with my choice of name. i had a good relationship with my son and his partner of 9 years, i get on well with both although my son can be a little opinionated, his girlfriend is lovely she would often pop over for a chat and is not afraid to tell me nicely if she doesn't agree with something.
before baby was born i had said i didn't know if i wanted to be a grandma or a baba (Ukrainian for grandmother, my father was Ukrainian) and was told i could be whatever i wanted to be. so when my grandson arrived i knew i wanted to be baba and signed the card with that name, the second time i went to visit them my son said they didn't like the name as it sounded silly and wasn't traditional in this country and it would sound ridiculous as my grandson grows up, i said when he is old enough to make that decision then he could change it. i explained that after losing my father it was a way of honoring his memory and keeping the family history going and as my fathers eldest child i seem to have automatically taken on that role e.g one of my chidren has a ukrainian name etc. i was very hurt by this and now don't want to be called grandma, granny or any variation on nan, i have agreed not to call myself baba and asked that they call me by my name but they don't want to do that either so at the moment i am not referred to as anything. my son's girlfriend had a difficult labour and ended up having a c section as the baby was getting distressed and had to have oxygen and suction when he was born and was observed for 3 days. i feel awful about the name disagreement as they have had a tough start to family life, but i am refusing to use a tradional english name. in every other way i try not to interfere and always made sure i considered the mother to, buying a maternity pillow, relaxation dvds etc and a present for mum to after my grandson was born. who chooses the grandparent names? am i in the wrong in refusing to be called what they want me to be called? should i refer to myself as baba? i would really appreciate everyone's advice. many thanks

I don't think it's anyones decision on what to call you as such, but really, is it worth a family arguement and upset. This is their child and if they feel that strongly, i'd back down for the sake of peace.
Being called Baba doesn't really honour anyones memory really. It sounds as though you are using that as emotional blackmail.
You're the childs grandparent... That's amazing. Does it really matter what your called. I can only see that by forcing your decision on them, you may ruin the relationship you have with your DS, his partner and your grandson.
HTH

It does seem like a silly thing to fall out over. I sympathise but I think you should give way and choose one of the other names. Could you be "grandma baba"?

TBH, I think that you should go with what the parents want.

They are adults-respect them as such.

Refusing to use an English name makes you sound rather ridiculous & attention seeking tbh.

Congratulations on the birth of your GC

I don't really think it matters what your GC calls you...the relationship is far more important in my opinion.

If I were you (and obviously I'm not) I'd try firm but gentle persuasion...and if that doesn't work, I'd take the traditional English name until the child is old enough to call you Baba if that's what he wants to do.

I can see why you're upset about this, I really can, but please let it go for now. As your grandson grows up he'll figure out what to call you himself. Remember that your son and his gf have been through a very tough time and they're totally absorbed in their new baby. To them it must seem like you're just heaping another totally unnecessary stress on them. Your son was very rude and I think you have every right to be upset but don't shoot yourself in the foot by turning it into a feud. The most important thing is that your gs is fit and well and that you get to spend time with him at this wonderful stage of his life.

If you can manage it, maybe you could say to your son "I'm sorry I made such a big deal about the name thing, let's let it go for now" and try to move on from it. As time goes on you'll find it becomes less of an issue and you can start to slip it back in.

But they said she could be called anything she wanted! Obviously you are going to have to suck it up but to me it's just another case of parents wanting to control every minor detail of every minor detail. I hope things settle down and congratulations on your first grandchild!

You are the babies gran - so whats wrong with being called that?

I've no real advice to be honest. My DS calls my mum what I decided though, which is nanny. It wasn't even a conscious decision really and there was certainly no discussion over it. I have my own 'pet' name for my mum which, funnily is smumble. He copies me and calls her that too sometimes and she always acknowledges it. No big deal is made of it as it's their relationship that matters rather than what he calls her. To not acknowledge someone when you know they're talking to you, especially children, regardless of name is rude in my opinion.

I have always called my grandparents yia yia and bapou, as they are Greek. YANBU as I really don't understand why they are bothered by it - if people ask, can't they just say it reflects your heritage - or even that your grandson can say it easier?

My mum would never agree to being a granny, she is a nanny through and through and I respect her opinion, she is the one being called it after all!

They're being a bit U if they did indeed say you could be called whatever you wanted before he was born, but now that doesn't fit with your son's ideal, he is going back on that.

I agree with AC. Grandma Baba seems a good compromise. No sillier sounding than Nanny Rabbits/Grandma Motorway/Granddad Pipe or any of the other differentiating suffixes I've come across. RIP Granddad Pipe :)

I am so sorry. Tensions often run high when there are new babies. I understand your desire to have a relevant family name, but agree with others that you'll probably have to back down for sake of peace. I'm sure as they become more relaxed you can revisit it. Congrats on your lovely grandson!

I don't think baba is ridiculous. There are loads of variations for family names around in our multicultural society. For example, I am good friends with a couple who are English (him)/Indian (her). Their children call the Indian side of the family the traditional names (dada and didu, etc) and that seems to be fine.

However, this really isn't the time to be having the discussion. It will be a good while before the baby calls you anything, so just humour the couple until they emerge from the trauma of the birth and the shock of caring for the new baby.

Just to add, MIL insisted on being called "nana" which was fine by me but she did look a bit of a tit when she made a huge deal about it (correcting me every time I forgot and said "gran"). She wasn't too pleased either when DS's first word was "nana", meaning "banana!" She hates that she is basically referred to as "banana" now, but she made such a big deal of it to begin with that she can't back down

Going against the grain here but I think your son and gf are the unreasonable ones. However saying that, I thi k you will have to back down for now, it's not worth the fall out. I like the grandma/granny/nanna Babba though could be seen as a Compromise.

Emotions run so high when a baby is born. My MIL was a pain in the arse when our DS1 was born and although it's water under the bridge, her demands soured the memories of those precious times.

Let it go. Honour your father in other ways, he is a valid part of family history. Calling you Baba sounds like you're the baby so it might sound odd to some. This is not the time to put your foot down or insist on anything.

Like QueenCee says- does it matter what you're called?

As my Mum says "I don't care what you call me as long as you call me!"

Grandma Baba is a great suggestion, keeps both happy.

Failing that, back down to keep the peace.

Why on earth isn't it the individual's right to be called what they want?

Her name, her choice. Why should the baby's parents dictate what someone is called?

I don't think it sounds silly - there are many different family grandparent names other than granny and grandad and I think it's up to the individual.

And I wonder if you'd all say Let it Go if it was the mother not the MiL with the problem...

Since the baby is so brand new and had a tough start, I think you should acknowledge that while this is a massive issue for you, it may not be for them right now. Back off for a bit. You won't be signing cards for a while so you don't need a name for a while either. Let them get to grips with all the joys and challenges of new parenthood, and in a few weeks/ months I suspect a mutually agreeable name for you will naturally emerge. Given baby is only less than a month old now, I wouldn't harp on about it.

OP, YANBU. I think that as a general rule, adults should be allowed to choose what name/nickname they prefer to be known by. Presumably when the OP was growing up she called her paternal grandmother baba and she wants to honour her heritage/tradition. I think it is disrespectful, if not racist, to say that a foreign word for grandparent sounds 'ridiculous'.

I immediately thought Grannybaba.

Compromise on this one OP, a good relationship with your DIL is a rarity if this forum is anything to go by.

Congratulations on your lovely new DGS.

Nannyogg she is the mother. It's the son who has now said no. Not the dil

I think yabu, the early days with a newborn are difficult enough without you making a drama over such a non-issue. You are hardly being supportive if you are making such a mountain out of a molehill.

NannyOgg I get your point but I think that given the OP's son and gf have been through a very tough time and are now in the throes of dealing with a newborn they should be given a bit more leeway than normal. I do think they're being rude but I think the OP should try to be the bigger person and back off for the time being. If a poster came on complaining about her MIL who was very ill or going through a bereavement I think most people would say "Yes, she's unreasonable but now's not the time, let it go."