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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

grandparent names conflict

155 replies

anya1963 · 07/01/2012 10:34

hi,. i hope its not inappropriate for grandparents to post messages but i need some advice on grandparent names. i have just become a grandparent for the first time and now have the most gorgeous grandson born on 17th december 2011. there is conflict with my choice of name. i had a good relationship with my son and his partner of 9 years, i get on well with both although my son can be a little opinionated, his girlfriend is lovely she would often pop over for a chat and is not afraid to tell me nicely if she doesn't agree with something.
before baby was born i had said i didn't know if i wanted to be a grandma or a baba (Ukrainian for grandmother, my father was Ukrainian) and was told i could be whatever i wanted to be. so when my grandson arrived i knew i wanted to be baba and signed the card with that name, the second time i went to visit them my son said they didn't like the name as it sounded silly and wasn't traditional in this country and it would sound ridiculous as my grandson grows up, i said when he is old enough to make that decision then he could change it. i explained that after losing my father it was a way of honoring his memory and keeping the family history going and as my fathers eldest child i seem to have automatically taken on that role e.g one of my chidren has a ukrainian name etc. i was very hurt by this and now don't want to be called grandma, granny or any variation on nan, i have agreed not to call myself baba and asked that they call me by my name but they don't want to do that either so at the moment i am not referred to as anything. my son's girlfriend had a difficult labour and ended up having a c section as the baby was getting distressed and had to have oxygen and suction when he was born and was observed for 3 days. i feel awful about the name disagreement as they have had a tough start to family life, but i am refusing to use a tradional english name. in every other way i try not to interfere and always made sure i considered the mother to, buying a maternity pillow, relaxation dvds etc and a present for mum to after my grandson was born. who chooses the grandparent names? am i in the wrong in refusing to be called what they want me to be called? should i refer to myself as baba? i would really appreciate everyone's advice. many thanks

OP posts:
diddl · 07/01/2012 11:02

"Why on earth isn't it the individual's right to be called what they want?"

In general agree with this.

But OP´s son thinks it sounds silly & that his own child will be embarrassed by it-so for that alone I don´t know why the OP would wish to push the issue.

Casmama · 07/01/2012 11:02

I agree with helium, the child is probably not going to be able to say any name at all until about 18 months or so - there is plenty of time to change it when things are not so fraught. I wouldn't rock the boat at this point but leave it a few months then work on your dil.

diddl · 07/01/2012 11:04

"but leave it a few months then work on your dil."

Why is it assumed that it is the dil who doesn´t want it?

Casmama · 07/01/2012 11:07

Its not, certainly not by me but I have interpreted it that the OP gets on better with the dil than with her son and that if she gets dil to understand her point of view then she may have more luck convincing her son with her dils support.

VacantExpression · 07/01/2012 11:07

My DS (3) has made his own name for my MIL who he sees 2-3 time a week, its a variation on Granny, they have a very close relationship and all is fine but it is definitely not a name we would have ever chosen!
My mum said any variation on nan, nanna, nanny was fine but i imagine might have disowned us had we gone with anything Granny/Grandma based.
Go for the compromise.

diddl · 07/01/2012 11:12

"but I have interpreted it that the OP gets on better with the dil than with her son"

Oh, could be.

You see when I saw the OP describe her son as "opinionated" I couldn´t help thinking so what, he´s an adult, does that mean doesn´t always agree with OP-and again, so what?

Nanny0gg · 07/01/2012 11:12

I chose my name and if they hadn't liked it there would have been a problem. i have no desire to go through the rest of my life being called something I don't like.
Having said that, now is not the time to persue it. Let it lie for the moment.

Casmama · 07/01/2012 11:17

Absolutely, he doesn't have to agree with OP.
I suspect this will resolve itself within a few weeks anyway.

SparkleSoiree · 07/01/2012 11:18

Congratulations on becoming a grandparent!

Personally I think you should give yourself whatever name you choose too. If other people have issue with that through embarrassment that it is their issue and for them to deal with.

I agree that now is not the time to have the conversation as baby has just been born through difficult circumstances but likewise I would not try and trump them in anyway trying to win the argument.

I have never heard of grandparents being told by the children what their names will be. In our extended family the grandparents all choose their own names and everyone else respects that. But then again we also hold our grandparents in high regard, irrespective of their personality or bossiness/interferance knowing that their input will be essential in the raising of our children.

Every family is different I guess.

TheCrunchUnderfoot · 07/01/2012 11:19

I can kind of see both sides, but to be honest at the moment the ONLY reasonable response from you (while the baby is so new and they are dealing with the birth aftermath) is 'Don't worry, that kind of thing just isn't important right now. Let's talk about what I can do to help you both instead.'

That's what a loving Baba would say Wink ... and maybe that would also get the point across to your son that this is a thing to discuss, maybe, rather than alienate you with by dictating.

Iseealittlesilhouette · 07/01/2012 11:20

We call all the grandparents grandma and granddad (3 sets due to divorce), as the occassions that they are in the same room as each other are very few and far between.

The grandparents all call themselves grandma/granddad, e.g. "come to grandma".

But every card my mother sends to my dc is signed "nanny and ganddad", without fail this results in "who's nanny?" to my mum when she's handed the card. Not rudely just puzzlement.

My mum always responds "oh I never remember what I'm called". This is obv a passive agressive way of not liking being called grandma, but as she's never referred to herself as anything else, she's always grandma.

However, if I was you, I would say "come to baba", and the child will very quickly pick up on it. In the same way that they learn a nickname/real name is you. I.e. they'll learn that if your name is "Anne" that's also what you respond to, but you are also "baba", and "grandma" or whatever your ds wants to call you.

Inertia · 07/01/2012 11:21

Just leave it. The priority now is your grandchild, and the recovery of your DIL. I can understand why you feel strongly, but at this point in time it's not about you, it's about the baby. Don't risk souring what should be a joyful time- you have plenty of time to figure this out when life has settled down a bit for the new parents. Think of your long term relationship with them.

bemybebe · 07/01/2012 11:22

YANBU, it is your name and you should be able to use what you feel is right
My grandmother hated being called "nana" and everyone respected that.

mumnotmachine · 07/01/2012 11:22

WE didnt have to choose- DHs parents were already grandparents when DD was born, and stayed as Nanny and Bamp as the others called them.
DD was first GC on my pearnts side so became Grandma and Grandpa, which all other grandchildren call them as well

mumnotmachine · 07/01/2012 11:23

I like Nannybaba btw

Spuddybean · 07/01/2012 11:24

I think they are bu. You have a right to be called whatever you want. it is not for other people to decide.

(i have a name which has a variety of shortenings and i always introduce myself as the one i like. But whenever i meet new people i get called other options, despite correcting people. When i point it out they say things like 'but i prefer ...' or '...is nicer' or 'oh same thing' or 'i can't remember which one' - all i find Shock . So i'm defo with you on this one!)

Seona1973 · 07/01/2012 11:25

my MIL didnt want any of the variations of gran, granny, grandma, etc as they made her feel old and all the grandchildren call her Nanny and FIL is grandad (which sounds strange to me as my grandparents were always Gran and Grandpa) but we go along with it as we dont really mind what they are called.

ChaoticAngel · 07/01/2012 11:25

From what you say about the birth, it sounds like they were left feeling helpless, powerless and out of control at an important time of their lives. They had to rely on other people to make things okay. Maybe because of this they are now fixating on what they can control and this is one of the things.

I don't think you are being unreasonable but maybe back off for now and reintroduce the subject at a later date when they may be more amenable to the name, or at least will listen to your point of view.

Bue · 07/01/2012 11:26

How is this the parents' decision? OP's name, OP's choice! One of my GPs uses a name from our European heritage which has now gotten passed down to new generations and I love it because it keeps our family history alive. Who cares if it's not traditional in this country?

I don't know, maybe I just grew up in a more multicultural environment. Some of my friends had omas and opas, bubbys and zaidys, memeres and peperes etc. Much more interesting to have a mix, if you ask me.

TimeWasting · 07/01/2012 11:30

Yanbu, all relevant grandparents here are called what they want, including the welsh word for Grandad that no one will understand round here.

To suggest that something of your cultural heritage like that is embarrassing is awful. Hopefully they will see that in the future, but it's not something to fall out over. Emotions are high etc.

Gribble · 07/01/2012 11:31

Have I got this right - because they wont call you Baba, you asked to be called by your proper name (wow, awkward much?)? And you dont want to be called anything english like Grandma, Nana etc? What is so bad about using an english name?

To be blunt you sound very attention seeking and I feel sorry for them that they have this to contend with aswell as the rocky start with the new baby.

They may have said initially that you could be what you wanted, but then when they actually heard the word Baba decided it didnt sound right. Im with them tbh, Baba to me is another name for a baby and doesnt sound right for a gran / nana / nan etc.

WidowWadman · 07/01/2012 11:34

YANBU - I find your son's rejection of your (and therefore his own) heritage quite hurtful. Also don't see why Baba should be any more embarassing than Nana?

Catsdontcare · 07/01/2012 11:36

Ds's grandparents chose their own names for the ds to call them so I think your ds is being unreasonable. Not sure it's worth spoiling what should be a lovely time though.

diddl · 07/01/2012 11:37

Why is Nana embarrassing?

Baba sounds like baby so I can quite see why the parents don´t want that.

OP-your father was Ukranian-what about your son´s father-was he also?

WidowWadman · 07/01/2012 11:37

I also think you should continue to simply sign cards with and refer to yourself as "Baba" when speaking to your grandchild - it will pick up what your chosen name is that way