grandparent names conflict

[anya1963]

hi,. i hope its not inappropriate for grandparents to post messages but i need some advice on grandparent names. i have just become a grandparent for the first time and now have the most gorgeous grandson born on 17th december 2011. there is conflict with my choice of name. i had a good relationship with my son and his partner of 9 years, i get on well with both although my son can be a little opinionated, his girlfriend is lovely she would often pop over for a chat and is not afraid to tell me nicely if she doesn't agree with something.
before baby was born i had said i didn't know if i wanted to be a grandma or a baba (Ukrainian for grandmother, my father was Ukrainian) and was told i could be whatever i wanted to be. so when my grandson arrived i knew i wanted to be baba and signed the card with that name, the second time i went to visit them my son said they didn't like the name as it sounded silly and wasn't traditional in this country and it would sound ridiculous as my grandson grows up, i said when he is old enough to make that decision then he could change it. i explained that after losing my father it was a way of honoring his memory and keeping the family history going and as my fathers eldest child i seem to have automatically taken on that role e.g one of my chidren has a ukrainian name etc. i was very hurt by this and now don't want to be called grandma, granny or any variation on nan, i have agreed not to call myself baba and asked that they call me by my name but they don't want to do that either so at the moment i am not referred to as anything. my son's girlfriend had a difficult labour and ended up having a c section as the baby was getting distressed and had to have oxygen and suction when he was born and was observed for 3 days. i feel awful about the name disagreement as they have had a tough start to family life, but i am refusing to use a tradional english name. in every other way i try not to interfere and always made sure i considered the mother to, buying a maternity pillow, relaxation dvds etc and a present for mum to after my grandson was born. who chooses the grandparent names? am i in the wrong in refusing to be called what they want me to be called? should i refer to myself as baba? i would really appreciate everyone's advice. many thanks

That said, I would not have been over the moon if one of the grannies in our family had insisted on being nan or nana, to be honest. And I might even have just kept calling her granny!

x-post, good decision Anya.

They are definitely BU, but for the sake of cutting some slack for hormones and the greater good Grandma Baba is a good compromise. My parents are grandma and grandad and my in laws are Iya-baba and Baba-baba as these are the yoruba names used....I think it is cute... My partmer always calls his mum Iya and I just think when they grow up the children can change as they feel - it's not like I still call my own mother mama so why does it matter that it is babyish. However, keep the peace for now and revisit in a few months.

If the son doesn't want to refer to her as Baba, there's nothing she can do about it, but I still maintain that's rude. However, if she wants to call herself Baba, then there's nothing he can do about that either.

It doesn't matter what the son's grandparents were called/wanted to be called, why should it?

Giving up your cultural heritage for fear of being bullied is the wrong response.

My family, to went through a Holocaust and what i will say is that that is an awful lot of history to inflict on a child, so just make sure that you are coming to terms with what your fathers death and the birth of your grandson has brought up, seperate to issues such as this.

Your grandson will find this fascinating, as i did, as a teenager (it spured me to do research), but tbh, to much was told to me at to young an age.

I think that Grandma Baba is great tbh.

Just to add your father changed his name and behaiour, to fit in, why are you making an issue because your son wants to do the same.

I have only read a few replies, and sorry, I don't have time to read them all, but YANBU!!!!

I think the grandparent should definitely choose, IMHO, they have earned that priivlege. My Mum definitely always wanted to be Granny, although I had always hated that, as my GP were Gran and Nana. (Gran wouldn't answer if you ever dared kid her on by calling her Granny, and Nana suited being Nana.)

When my nephew was born, my Mum became Granny, and it was lovely, I even liked it. Now she is Granny to my 2 DS, and I love it. I would NEVER EVER have dreamt of insisting on Gran, or anything else. Sadly, my MIL is not with us, but she was Gran when she was alive, and I'd have asked her what she wanted. And RESPECTED that choice. We always called my Mum's Dad a funny name, which I can't say, in case anyone I know reads this, as it would immediately identify me, nobody ever called him Grandpa, or anything like that. If I mention him (he died 43 years ago) to people who don't know him, I have to explain why he was called that, and we laugh about it, cos it IS funny.)

I think Baba is a lovely way of honouring your family and heritage ( I knew a boy who called his Auntie, Bibby, right till she died, 'cos that's what he'd called her as a little boy, so there are lots of "funny" to others names around, which are perfectly fine for the families concerned.)

My boys call my Dad, Grandpa and sometimes my older one says, Papa. I personally don't like that, but if he wants to call him that, and Grandpa likes it cos sometimes he signs it on the nursery register, then it's fine with me.

I don't know what the answer is as you do seem to have a good relationship with your DIL, and it wouldn't be worth ruining. There have been some good suggestions e.g. Grandma Baba etc.

I just wanted to say I agree with you, YANBU. and congrats on a beautiful new GS to love and cherish. I'm sure you will be a fab Baba! (My boys are very very lucky to have such a fantastic Granny and Grandpa who absolutely dote on them.) Good luck.

tbh it might all turn out fine in any case, both of my children referred to their grandma as 'baba' before they could pronounce gamma/grandma, i think it's a fairly natural progression. the son and dil might get used to it and start using it then, at a point when every utterance from their baby's mouth is charm itself. we certainly used it without shame.

I think you have the right to be called what you want - choose your own name. However, as feelings are running high atm I would leave the subject alone for a few months at least. If your DS or DIL bring it up, I would refuse to discuss it, but in a good way - let's see what happens when GS gets older. When you have your first baby, emotions are all over the place, as you know so things can easily be said that shouldn't be.

I like the fact that you are continuing your family tradition. My mother is grandma and would never have answered to anything else. My DD sometimes calls her nanny for a joke, but wouldn't dream of doing that seriously. My MIL is also grandma, but she is grandma + Christian name when talking about her, and grandma, when she is being addressed.

I hope this manages to be resolved.

Birds - just because her father and her son did, why does it mean she has to?

I'm a "Baba" with no cultural or other reasons. My DGD is now 20 and has never seemed worried by it. I am introduced to people as DGD's grandmother and then addressed as Baba in all conversations or written correspondence.

I chose to be Baba because I didn't want to be a granny or nanna or any other variation and neither her mother or her father had any objections as long as I loved her and supported them.

"and neither her mother or her father had any objections "

So if they had objected, as in this case, would you have chosen something else?

We always said my mum would be Grandma, which is what I call her mum. She said she didn't like Nan/Nanny as it wasn't cuddly enough!

In the end though DD (who struggled with speech sounds for a while) ended up saying nana, and then nanny. It stuck and my mum likes it, because DD sort of came up with it IYSWIM?

So you may all be arguing over nothing and your GC will make their own choice!

I think that by the time your DGS can talk, it may all become a bit academic anyway, as they make a right mishmash of names to start with! Baba is certainly easier than some other grandparental names.
I had a friend whose grandma was called Gammy - not sure she was that keen on it herself, but it was her name courtesy of her DGC and it stuck. In the end, the children are the drivers, to some extent.

I think your DS is also being a bit silly, assuming it's coming only from him and he's not just the spokesperson for them both - Ukrainian is his heritage too, it's a little disrespectful to completely ignore it if you wish to acknowledge it, IMO.

For now though, to keep the peace, just let them get on with it. In a few months, when they are less sleep deprived, it may be a better time to have a chat - but be prepared to compromise over it.

FWIW, both DS's grandparents (one on each side) told me I could call them whatever I wished to, which was handy, as they had no preference themselves - but had they had a preference I would have used that.

Its such a small thing to fall out over. Do you really want to chance risking the relationship with your GS over this? TBH they probably think you are being really akward at what is a very hard tome for any new parent especially with the complications.

My inlaws decided what they wanted to be called, one is Gran which is ok but the GF is pappa which obviously means Daddy in some countries. I hate it

My sister's both had children before me, and my mum/dad have always been known as Nanny and Grandad, it would be odd if mine called them anything different! Both are 'normal' names for our family, I grew up with Nanny/Grandad too.
My dad has remarried and lives in spain with his (english) wife. We call her 'abueila' which is spanish for Grandmother, something I suggested and she loved :-)

I don't think you are unreasonable at all but choose your timing - emotions are high with them now and they are probably being precious too. Maybe ask about being called grandma-baba or leave it a little longer. It is a Shame your son isn't more respectful of his heritage too.

Just want to say congrats about your grandchild. My grandfather passed away the day he was born so to hear of new life on such a sad day is beautiful

Your son/his DP are the unreasonable ones. They don't get to choose what you are called - they have that prerogative with their child, not you.

TBH, I think they are being PFB and will realise in future how unreasonable they were.

YANBU they are being very silly. Grandparents can be called what they like in my book. It's what they will be called, they get to choose it (unless they don't care really whatever it is and in that case up to the parents).

However it would be a shame to fall out over it. Can you accept that they are being arses and be the bigger person, smile sweetly and rise about it all? And quietly plot some form of really minor revenge?

They get PFB to start with. I would go with Granny Baba to start with and they can just say Granny if it makes them feel better. Later on the DC will have their own version and you can help encourage them to drop the Granny bit.
I wouldn't worry now-it is early days-go with the flow.

I wonder how they would feel if you said that you felt the name they had chosen for their child was silly and you planned to call him X instead?

I do agree that you shouldn't make a big thing about it just yet though. Let them calm down and come out of the baby haze they are in at the moment.

I actually think it should be your choice. Mum mum is English but wanted to be nonna as she thought gran etc sounded too old. She is now known as noona! It sounds daft but if she is happy I don't really care.