grandparent names conflict

[anya1963]

hi,. i hope its not inappropriate for grandparents to post messages but i need some advice on grandparent names. i have just become a grandparent for the first time and now have the most gorgeous grandson born on 17th december 2011. there is conflict with my choice of name. i had a good relationship with my son and his partner of 9 years, i get on well with both although my son can be a little opinionated, his girlfriend is lovely she would often pop over for a chat and is not afraid to tell me nicely if she doesn't agree with something.
before baby was born i had said i didn't know if i wanted to be a grandma or a baba (Ukrainian for grandmother, my father was Ukrainian) and was told i could be whatever i wanted to be. so when my grandson arrived i knew i wanted to be baba and signed the card with that name, the second time i went to visit them my son said they didn't like the name as it sounded silly and wasn't traditional in this country and it would sound ridiculous as my grandson grows up, i said when he is old enough to make that decision then he could change it. i explained that after losing my father it was a way of honoring his memory and keeping the family history going and as my fathers eldest child i seem to have automatically taken on that role e.g one of my chidren has a ukrainian name etc. i was very hurt by this and now don't want to be called grandma, granny or any variation on nan, i have agreed not to call myself baba and asked that they call me by my name but they don't want to do that either so at the moment i am not referred to as anything. my son's girlfriend had a difficult labour and ended up having a c section as the baby was getting distressed and had to have oxygen and suction when he was born and was observed for 3 days. i feel awful about the name disagreement as they have had a tough start to family life, but i am refusing to use a tradional english name. in every other way i try not to interfere and always made sure i considered the mother to, buying a maternity pillow, relaxation dvds etc and a present for mum to after my grandson was born. who chooses the grandparent names? am i in the wrong in refusing to be called what they want me to be called? should i refer to myself as baba? i would really appreciate everyone's advice. many thanks

Children often choose, as many have said. My MIL is called "Granny Tractor" at the moment. We didn't call her this, this is what ds says to differentiate her from his other Granny.

Also, we decided we would call my stepdad Granddad and tried to promote this but because my mother tends to call everyone by their Christian name, ds started to call him by his and that's how it's stayed. Ds tends to even call us by our Christian names when we are in my mother's house.. and I know my mother has sort of orchestrated this, spending lots of time saying "what's mummy's name? [my Christian name]", what's daddy's name? [his Christian name] yet my mother has taken great care to ensure she remains Granny... interestingly .

There can be such silly politics about this type of stuff. We ignore my mum's silliness and have a "ah sure let her off" attitude to it but we could be arsey if we wanted. Given that your ds and his dp are where they are at in life right now, I would leave it.

I think every family has a bit of a dilemma when the grandchildren arrive, but when the children start to speak you can often end up with very personal original names....a ganny goo and gumpy bar which they have kept till adulthood! As long as they love you, and you them it really doesn't matter!

DS2 (now 3 months) had to be resuscitated and taken away from me for observation after observation, test after test while I was still recovering from a spinal and was desperate just to hold him and try to feed him. I couldnt even go with him, I just had to lie in my bed not being able to move while I imagined what might happen to my precious tiny little baby boy.

If my mum or DPs mum had started this sort of really unimportant, really very unimportant and silly conflict, then I think it would taken me a while to want to look at them again without wanting to smash their teeth down their throats.

Gribble - the OP didn't "start it", she sent a card, her DS has "started it" by saying they think the name they said she could choose is silly. And she has agreed to let it drop.

Sorry your DS had such a rough start in life though - hope he's ok now.

IMO the OP has started the conflict off with the emotional blackmail to her DS and DIL at such an inappropriate time.

OP being called Baba cant have been that big a deal to her as initially she didnt know if she wanted to called Baba anyway.

I think you shoudl let this drop completely for now and for at least 8-10 months. It is of absolutely no importance at the moment. PILs kicked off about a few minor things right at the beginning as we were trying to cope with the bomb that had just gone off in our lives (PFB) and it took quite a while for the relationship to recover.

I think it's easy to forget just how overwhelming the change to your life is. I often don't cut other new parents enough slack and PFB is only two. This minor issue will be one too many things for the parents to cope with and you risk becoming the bad guy who helped to make them even more stressed.

sorry forgot to add that DS is absolutely fine now, his breathing settled down whilst in hospital. they think he had fluid / mec on his lungs. Still have the odd nightmare about it

Oh and YANBU to want to be called Baba but reason doesn't come into this stage of life!

No, Gribble, the OPs DS started it when, having originally said she could choose whatever name she liked, he told her that her chosen name was illy and they wouldn't let her use it. Having agreed not to use it, despite finding it hurtful, she asked to be called by her name but it appears that wasn't good enough either.

My MIL wanted to be called Grandma by our DS. He couldn't manage it and she endured being called "Gaa-Gaa" throughout his toddler years, often in public and always loudly

She was a bit wiser when DD came along and chose Granny. DD now calls her "Graggy", which MIL is bravely trying to see as an improvement on the previous interpretation :)

It won't be necessary for your grandson to call you anything just yet, so don't get too hung up on it. He'll probably invent his own version when he is old enough - perhaps they'll be a little more accepting of Baba then, especially if it's easy to say.

Congratulations, by the way!

like I said it cant have been that big a deal to OP as she didnt bloody know what she wanted to be called at first.

Causing an issue over a bleeding name when they are probably just thankful their baby is well and alive just seems crass to me. They said they didnt like Baba, OP caused a fuss at a very inappropriate early stage, even though she didnt even know if she wanted to be called Baba at first anyway, so therefore OP has started the conflict off (IMO of course).

And throwing her toys of out of the pram and saying well just call me by my first name is childish and just carries all the attention seeking on further.

"Causing an issue over a bleeding name when they are probably just thankful their baby is well and alive just seems crass to me."

So why did the son cause an issue about it?

Thumbwitch hit the nail on the head - the child will probably devise his own name for his grandmother. I called one of my grandmas Oggy for some reason, and that stuck for ever. I don't know why - I called the other one Granny, so clearly I didn't have any trouble saying the Gr-sound.

I do loathe Nanny, Nana, Nan etc - always makes me think of a goat.

The name can't have been big issue to the parents given they didn't bloody well care what she chose.

[shrug]

Baba(r) will always be an elephant to me :o

Op - choose the name you want, you are going to be called it for the next 20 years or so. If you are referred to be the name your family decides and you hate it then it will only cause further friction.

Just sign gifts and cards from Baba and only respond to that name.

The parents just said they dont like Baba, for whatever reason, I cant see they have made as big an issue out of it as OP.

OP played the heritage / dads memory card even though it wasnt a big deal to her at first, and caused a big drama by wanting to be called by her first name because she refuses to be called an 'english' name.

The fact is OP has dwelled on about heritage, honouring her fathers memory, carrying on family tradition etc. But initially wasnt arsed about GRandma or Baba. Maybe her DS, for whatever reason, doesnt want to carry on his heritage and thats why he would rather not use Baba. If thats the case that should be respected.

and, to give another pov, when I was nearing the end of my first pg if my mum or DPs mum had said "i dont know if i want to be nana or grandma fanny face I think id have also said "be what you want" just so i could end the conversation.

Just sign gifts and cards from Baba and only respond to that name.

yep thats the way to go. If when your DGC is a bit older and calls you Grandma, just ignore them.

I think yanbu, my children's grandparents both chose what they wanted to be called... I think the choice should be up to you, and considering that you also have reasons as to why you want to be called Baba then the parents should be more accommodating, I don't see what their issue is!

to be honest at the moment the ONLY reasonable response from you (while the baby is so new and they are dealing with the birth aftermath) is 'Don't worry, that kind of thing just isn't important right now. Let's talk about what I can do to help you both instead.'
Agree with thecrunchunderfoot totally. Totally not important at this point in time and if you make a big fuss out of the issue, you will look like a complete nob.

"I don't see what their issue is!"

They think that the name sounds silly & will sound ridiculous as their son grows up.

I think baba sounds lovely. I wanted my mum grandma and mil nanny but they both wanted grandma, so they are both grandmas. That's what they wanted to be called. I think yanbu to want to be called baba.

I am a big believer in children developing good relationships with wider family without the parents micro managing every aspect. However, I think you should let this one go, OP.

My grandmother was the daughter of a Latvian immigrant and was proud of her heritage. However she was brought up in this country, spoke English and was, to all intents and purposes, English. I assume this is a similar situation for you? I think everyone would have found it odd if she had insisted on a Latvian grandparent name. If you had been living in the Ukraine and spoke Ukrainian as a first language, I suspect your son might have been more accepting, but I would imagine he sees it as you artificially trying to keep a tradition going beyond its natural life.

There are lots of wys to share your heritage with your family without picking this battle. I know a lot about my gran's family, I have their family name as part of my name, and I speak a bit of Latvian. Calling my gran by n English name didnt affect that at all.