grandparent names conflict

[anya1963]

hi,. i hope its not inappropriate for grandparents to post messages but i need some advice on grandparent names. i have just become a grandparent for the first time and now have the most gorgeous grandson born on 17th december 2011. there is conflict with my choice of name. i had a good relationship with my son and his partner of 9 years, i get on well with both although my son can be a little opinionated, his girlfriend is lovely she would often pop over for a chat and is not afraid to tell me nicely if she doesn't agree with something.
before baby was born i had said i didn't know if i wanted to be a grandma or a baba (Ukrainian for grandmother, my father was Ukrainian) and was told i could be whatever i wanted to be. so when my grandson arrived i knew i wanted to be baba and signed the card with that name, the second time i went to visit them my son said they didn't like the name as it sounded silly and wasn't traditional in this country and it would sound ridiculous as my grandson grows up, i said when he is old enough to make that decision then he could change it. i explained that after losing my father it was a way of honoring his memory and keeping the family history going and as my fathers eldest child i seem to have automatically taken on that role e.g one of my chidren has a ukrainian name etc. i was very hurt by this and now don't want to be called grandma, granny or any variation on nan, i have agreed not to call myself baba and asked that they call me by my name but they don't want to do that either so at the moment i am not referred to as anything. my son's girlfriend had a difficult labour and ended up having a c section as the baby was getting distressed and had to have oxygen and suction when he was born and was observed for 3 days. i feel awful about the name disagreement as they have had a tough start to family life, but i am refusing to use a tradional english name. in every other way i try not to interfere and always made sure i considered the mother to, buying a maternity pillow, relaxation dvds etc and a present for mum to after my grandson was born. who chooses the grandparent names? am i in the wrong in refusing to be called what they want me to be called? should i refer to myself as baba? i would really appreciate everyone's advice. many thanks

Anya - congratulations on becoming a grandmother. Please dont stress about what you are called -it is the relationship with your beautiful Grandchild, and how that develops, that matters - not your moniker - and you can teach him all about your family history in the future. How about suggesting you are called Grandmother for now - when your grandson starts talking he will likely enough develop his own nickname for you. FWIW my MIL (when I was pregnant with DS1) was totally against any Grandma/Nan/Nana names - I told her the name we call the paternal grandmother in bengali (I am indian) and she loved it - and that's what DS1 and DS2 call her. She's now grandmother to a little girl (SIL's daughter) and fine with being called Nanny and Grandma - so opinions change over time - its the wonderful relationship with your grandchildren that you develop that really counts.

As far as I'm concerned, you get to choose what you are called by everyone and anyone in this life. I you wanted the child to call you Giant Purple Elephant, that's you choice and no-one else's. Since when did having baby give anyone any right to dictate the name of anyone else except the child in question?

I am Granmouse to my dsgc Grandma to my dd's boys and Babanne to my Ds's DD who has a Turkish mummy. My own DC used Grandma xxxx(first name). I feel your d-i-l is being a bit unreasonabl but its not worth a fuss or spoiling your relationship with them over.I think Granbaba sounds fine.

My parents and in laws chose their own names and they are all diff so yanbu however I don't think it's worth causing a family rift over. Personally I think Baba is lovely

The child is not going to be talking for months and you're fretting about this now!

Given that you yourself didn't grow up in Ukraine then it does seem a bit strange to me that you would make a big deal of having a Ukrainian grandparent name. Baba is what we call the baby in Ireland ( haven't heard it much in the UK?) and I am wondering if your ds and DIL think this is what it sounds like too?
FWIW when DN was born, MIL was insisting on being called "Grandmama" but oddly enough DN didn't manage it and now all MIL's dgc's call her "Nanna"!
I honestly don't think it's worth making a big deal over, your relationship with your little dgs is so much more important than the name you are called.
Congratulations!

My MIL has chosen a name for herself which isn't English (which she is, totally, utterly Engligh) and I have no problem with it, and use it day to day... unlike our son who's decided to use her first name (goodness knows how he even picked up on what it is!)

I think that it's probably nothing to make a fuss over, because when it comes down to it it's likely that the child will pick his own name for you just like ours has!

I think it is wrong of you to try and insist that you be called a ukrainian name when that parents want you to use an English one.

If you want to be truly supportive, do what makes them happy. It's no skin off your nose and I think it sounds like you are emotionally blackmailing them by going on about honouring your dads memory. Children are not an excuse to honour the memories of their late great grandparents. There are much nicer and more meaningful ways for you to do that that do not impose your wants on other people.

chipmonkey that was my first thought - baba is what us in them these here parts call a baby

My mother and MIL chose what they wanted to be called. Fine by me

My dcs call my ILs waa-waa(grandma) and laa-laa(grandad). When ds1 was small thats all he could say when he knew we were going there so it kind of stuck, now we all call them this and i even get cards from moonpig with those names on.
I think your grandson will probably call you what he wants regardless of what you or his parents want

If the name really is so unimportant, why should the choice not rest with the one who's being called that name?

The argument that names are unimportant works both ways

Widow - it does but unless someone lets it go it becomes stalemate and this is what turns little shitty family rucks into full blown not-speaking-for-months sessions.

Someone has to be the bigger person.

In Turkish baba means daddy and babanne means dad'smum! All the baby names for dgp are based on the first sounds babies make dada mama baba gaga nana etc.
I agree let it be.

What if the grandson has a friend with a 'silly' name? Is dad going to insist that grandson calls his friend something 'sensible' and of their choosing because they don't want him sounding 'ridiculous'?

Anyone who tries to dictate what someone else is called has issues imo. OP YANBU, but probably best to let it lie for now. As for being embarrassed to use the name in public - how ridiculous. You'd want to be really insecure to let that bother you. My DD called my dad nanny for ages. We all thought it was hilarious (including my dad). The name was definitely used in public and I can't say I cared particularly what anyone else thought.

both of my parents are from non-anglophone countries

my children call them by the respective names for grandmother/grandfather in their countries - it is important to me that they know their heritage. here, in england, where i live, there are no people really from these communities, so the idea of bringing up my children to be x or y...it just isn't going to happen; they will be english, completely.

which is great, but they can at least grow up with the sounds of those languages in their ears, even though they will almost never learn to speak them

i guess i am saying i can appreciate why this is a sticking point for the OP.

fwiw the names my english PiLs chose for themselves made me initially grind my teeth, bleurgh, but it was their right to choose what they wanted to be called, and i wouldn't have dreamt of saying otherwise

(they do take the piss out of my parent's titles, i think they think they are made up nonsense words )

OP - see you point - you should be able to call yourself what you want without the parents interfering.

My mil is from overseas and ds calls her by the name in that country. I refer to her partly as that name and partly as 'gran'. No issues. Ds calls her what he wants.

My mum started out wanting to be called granny but then ds wanted to use the name from her language - but then he's shortened it so it's nothing recognisable in either language. Again, no issues.

They are making fuss - don't made a fuss back.

Even if parents refer to you as gran etc the little one will soon pick up on what you refer to yourself as and they'll decide.

Enjoy being a new gm.

YANBU. People should be allowed to be addressed the way they prefer, the exceptions being stuff like a Grandma insisting on being called Mum or something. "I think its silly" isn't a good enough reason to address someone differently. I hate Mum and I would correct my dcs if they called me it even though it is the norm where I live at the moment. One of my SILs refers to me by a shortened version of my name and her dcs call me Auntie shortened version and I don't like it. Its not my name and I don't want to be called by it but they won't stop. Everyone else calls me by my name including all my nieces and nephews (prefixed with auntie) but she has just decided to randomly call me something else. It doesn't matter how much people insist that its not a big deal, its bloody annoying when people can't be arsed to call you by your preferred name.
My dcs call their grandparents by the appropriate cultural name from their home country, I can't imagine insisting they change any more than I can imagine being ok with being called Nana or Nanny when I am a grandparent.
I have also had a sick child in NICU, he didn't get a name for 6 weeks because we couldn't cope with naming him but we didn't insist on changing how third parties were addressed. Having a sick child means you might struggle to deal with stuff but its not licence to ride roughshod over other people.

To become a grandmother is a mind blowing emotional experience.
Suddenly it is all about " blood " again.
You see that beautiful little thing, and it takes you back to what was before.
And, yes, you do think of your own parents, and how much you would have liked to tell them that you are a grandparent yourself now.
The grandchild becomes your link with the past.
To OP, it does not matter one iota what he calls you, what matters is that you click!

My DS has 2 Grandma's. Mum was already Grandma to my niece and MIL wanted to be Grandma as well as she didn't think her mum had been a particularly good Nanna (so didn't want to be Nanna and reminiscent of that). She was worried however I would not want him having 2 Grandma's, I said it was totally up to her what she wanted to be called and they are now Grandma xxx (first name). However DS calls them both Bam-bar because thats all he can say at nearly 2 so back down, go for Grandma and you'll probably get called Baba anyway! By the time your DGS is old enough to properly say Grandma your DS and DDIL may have chilled out a bit. I think Baba is lovely, its really nice when kids make up their own names for people, my cousins little girl calls her Grandad Mo Mo and still does even though she' s in her late teens now!

My mother found adjusting to be a grandmother very difficult and struggled with a name. Many discussions were had about possibilities, but in the end she just kept her mother name (not Mum/Mummy but Mama) and my father stayed as Papa. My middle sister and I tried again (I think my sister wanted to use Mama herself) but nothing really worked. There is no way any of us could have picked something we liked and imposed it on her, that would have been IMO very wrong.

When we refer to my mother to friends etc we don't tend to use Mama because that would probably be confusing, but otherwise it's not been a problem.

OP I'd try and avoid the subject as much as possible for a while and then when things are less frayed see if you can talk things through and ideally find something you are all happy with.

NB I'd like to be a granny if I get to be a grandmother, dh says he wasn't to be called some sort of variation on curmudgeon!

Oops - wasn't = wants

I think it's up to you what you're known as. Both sets of grandparents chose how they would be referred to and we haven't given it a second thought. I have never really liked 'nanna' or 'nanny', but it's what MIL chose so I've gone along with it.

I agree that it's not worth falling out over if the gentle persuasion doesn't work.

Good luck Anya.