grandparent names conflict

[anya1963]

hi,. i hope its not inappropriate for grandparents to post messages but i need some advice on grandparent names. i have just become a grandparent for the first time and now have the most gorgeous grandson born on 17th december 2011. there is conflict with my choice of name. i had a good relationship with my son and his partner of 9 years, i get on well with both although my son can be a little opinionated, his girlfriend is lovely she would often pop over for a chat and is not afraid to tell me nicely if she doesn't agree with something.
before baby was born i had said i didn't know if i wanted to be a grandma or a baba (Ukrainian for grandmother, my father was Ukrainian) and was told i could be whatever i wanted to be. so when my grandson arrived i knew i wanted to be baba and signed the card with that name, the second time i went to visit them my son said they didn't like the name as it sounded silly and wasn't traditional in this country and it would sound ridiculous as my grandson grows up, i said when he is old enough to make that decision then he could change it. i explained that after losing my father it was a way of honoring his memory and keeping the family history going and as my fathers eldest child i seem to have automatically taken on that role e.g one of my chidren has a ukrainian name etc. i was very hurt by this and now don't want to be called grandma, granny or any variation on nan, i have agreed not to call myself baba and asked that they call me by my name but they don't want to do that either so at the moment i am not referred to as anything. my son's girlfriend had a difficult labour and ended up having a c section as the baby was getting distressed and had to have oxygen and suction when he was born and was observed for 3 days. i feel awful about the name disagreement as they have had a tough start to family life, but i am refusing to use a tradional english name. in every other way i try not to interfere and always made sure i considered the mother to, buying a maternity pillow, relaxation dvds etc and a present for mum to after my grandson was born. who chooses the grandparent names? am i in the wrong in refusing to be called what they want me to be called? should i refer to myself as baba? i would really appreciate everyone's advice. many thanks

Out of interest what did your son call his Ukranian grandfather when he was growing up?

FWIW I don't think YABU but my parents aren't English and fully expect them to want to use their traditional grandparent names. I like it as a way of keeping our heritage alive.

However for practicalities sake I think you should just go with what your son wants and if he can accept something along the lines of Grandma Baba as a compromise all the better.

Sorry, missed an "i".

Ukrainian.

I would not just say to the baby 'come to baba', when he is old enough to understand - this will seriously piss off your ds and dil, who will rightly feel that you have just ignored their wishes. Doing this will have a knock on effect in other parts of your relationship with them.

Lots of people have really good relationships with their Il's until a baby comes along, then there seems to be a lot of jostling(sp?) for the upper hand and it can become a bit of a power struggle that gets out of hand very quickly. I feel for you, because they were wrong to change the rules on you having agreed to let you choose, but you can't win this one. All you can do by arguing over this, is alienate your family and miss out on seeing your new grandchild.

Perhaps when they said you could choose, they were expecting a variant on grandma, so were floored by your choice. When I had my first ds, I said my IL's could choose - they came back with mama and papa, which felt like they were trying to be mum and dad. I hated it and said no (FIL was the 'take over' type and this did not go down well), but it was my baby and I had all these hormones and wasn't a confident mother yet - it was all very new and we were all finding our feet. We settled on a word which means grandma in my mil's language and grandad for fil.

Anyway, my long winded point is that you should back down with good grace (even though you are not really in the wrong), because to do anything else will lead to a snowballing of bad relations. Give them time to settle into this parenting business and find their feet.

YANBU. I agree with whoever said it was your name and therefore your choice. When my daughter was born, my father in law wanted to be called Papa. I hated it, papa is father as far as I'm concerned. But ultimately it was more important to him than it was to me and so Papa he is and I don't think twice about it anymore.

If your father was Ukrainian then your son's grandfather was and therefore baba would sound quite normal to his ears and not babyish. It is a rejection of your heritage and I'd be upset too.

So Gribble, if someone decided they didn't like your name/title and decided to call you what they liked, are you saying that you wouldn't mind?

There are the variations on mum/mummy/mother/mama etc too. Who chooses that one?

Oh, the person it belongs to of course.

And to be controversial here, whilst I accept that the new parents have had a difficult time, and I'm very pleased that they have had such a successful outcome, having a baby doesn't give you the right to dictate everything about others' lives.

I think yanbu but I also don't think it's worth falling out over.

I also think it's a red herring saying it honours someone's memory. That's emotional blackmail as someone already said.

You could wait until the child is older and then tell them what gps are called in the Ukraine. They might like to call you Baba then.

Fwiw, gps get called all sorts of things - grandpops, nonny, oma etc. Your gcs might come up with something completely different again!

I personally don't like the word nana - makes me think of goats so we stick to Oma and Grandma + Name.

"having a baby doesn't give you the right to dictate everything about others' lives."

But being a GM does?

They think that it will sound ridiculous for their son.

OP-was/is your mother also Ukranian?

"How is this the parents' decision?"

Because they will have to say to the baby, "Here is Baba" and when they are out and anout, other children will point at the baby and say "Baba".

If they feel uncomfortable sitting in a cafe saying "Pass that to Baba", then they shouldn't be put in that position. It is upto them if they want to share their heritage. I kept mine low key, to blend in as a child. They live in the Uk, the baby has more conection to the UK.

There are times to make a stand and times to go with the flo. I am confused as to why the OP's son would not know Baba, or think it sounded silly, did he not use it as a child? If not why not?

diddle if she wanted to call the baby something different to what the parents want, you'd have a point. But it's her name.

I find the suggestion that her chosen name, which is routed in her heritage would be ridiculous actually quite offensive.

Nanny0gg I think most names are decided by the person saying them to a certain degree.

My dc choose whether they are referring to me as Mum - normal every day, Mummy - when they want something, Mother - when I'm embarrassing them.

I refer to my dh via a variation of his name in a term of endearment, he certainly didn't say call me "x", and I didn't say "do you mind if I call you x". It's not a conversation I've ever had.

My parents chose my name, as they are calling me it.

Other people choose NNs random words to call me, as it means something to them.

I know I'm being called.

"They live in the Uk, the baby has more conection to the UK"

Yeah, best to give up your cultural heritage if you go live in another country. Xenophobic tosh.

*Nanny0gg Sat 07-Jan-12 11:41:37
So Gribble, if someone decided they didn't like your name/title and decided to call you what they liked, are you saying that you wouldn't mind?

There are the variations on mum/mummy/mother/mama etc too. Who chooses that one?

Oh, the person it belongs to of course.*

Nanny - I call myself Mum, others call me mummy, mama, ma, shithead etc

When my DS was born he was my parents 3rd grandchild so we went along with the names already chosen by DB and DSIL. Not my first choice but would much rather have good loving relationships all round. I worry that you're already having a bit of a power struggle. My DM often seems to hold her tongue around DSIL but says it's worth keeping the peace for the sake of her precious grandchildren. (I dare say DSIL holds her tongue every bit as much)

But what about OPs mother is she also Ukranian?

OP might want to honour her father-but why does that have to be in the name she wants as a GM-surely there are other ways?

I am from non Uk heritage, as i said i kept that low key, as a child. It depends on where you live, hoew vocal you can be whilst growing up. Yes things have changed, the laws increased, but that hasn't stopped all of the racial bullying.

Why did you not pick up my point as to why the OP's son did not use Baba growing up, as then he wouldn't have asked to ask, he would have used this. It is up to her son, to decide which cultural aspects he drops and keeps.

That was to Widow. I feel i have kept the more important side of my non UK culture. It isn't for others to tell us what they should or shouldn't do.

You have a live, happy, healthy grandchild. Who cares what you are called? Get some perspective, just take a walk past the NICU or special care baby sections and ask yourself 'do I really care?' because it is not the most important thing.

You love this baby and baby will live you no matter what you are called because you obviously care deeply for your family.

Try to take a step back and gain some perspective.

My dh has an ancestral name, which does sound silly in English. For that reason we did not give it to our dc, who were born and brought up in Britain. I'm sure my mil was hurt by this, but I know my dh was embarrassed by the sound of his middle name when he was growing up (in England) and we didn't want our children to feel that way.

It's not about giving up your cultural heritage - it's about recognising that some things don't work so well in the country where you've chosen to live, so you adapt to fit in. Nothing wrong with that.

YANBU.

But, my DDs don't call their maternal grandfather by name used by all his other grandchildren.

Our DDs were not the first on either side, so we copied what the other grandchildren called them, except for my dad who had been given a single syllable pet name by DN1, which all the other grandchildren also call him. My DDs don't meet my dad very often (a few times a year), so I decided to call him granddad, same as on the other side of the family. Other grandmothers are variation on nana, and we just the surnames to distinguish between the grandparents. It just evolved to that, there was no big discussion/argument.

However, I would have been proud to keep the name if it was for cultural reasons. If other kids had comments on word baba, your DGS can explain that is the Ukrainian word for nana.

Meant to say 'Both granmothers', not other grandmothers..

It think your DS and DDIL are being unreasonable over this. I really think they should let you chose your own title which respects your heritage.

BUT in your shoes I would not want this to sully my relationship with them and ultimately with my DGC. So I would let it go. You could perhaps try raising it again at a time when your DS and DIL are a bit more used to being parents and might listen a bit more. They have a lot on their plates at the moment and this is probably a discussion that they can't be bothered to get into.

I actually think using your first name is a sensible suggestion but since they don't like that either just use the neutral Grandma and then raise it again in 6 months a year before the baby calls you anything

Yanbu. I see why they aren't keen on baba, but I think the first name idea was reasonable. Both my girls call their grandparents by their first names, actually because dd1 couldn't pronounce 'g' as a small child, but it is actually really nice and all the grandparents like it. I can quite understand not wanting some titles: I personally would hate it if I had to be called Mam, for example!
I suppose you will have to go along with it, but I would maybe ask again, just once, in a few weeks if they would mind if you were just called by your name.

thank you everyone for your replies. i do appreciate what people are saying about the parents having been through a tough time and are totally absorbed in their new baby understandably which i did acknowledge in my initial post and it does make me feel awful as i want everything to be nice for them and i do feel really bad about causing tension at this time. in every other way i am behaving like a grandparent and have offered my support whenever they need it. i didn't feel that i was attention seeking or controlling and am surprised by those comments, i have taken on board all the comments and may suggest grandma baba as a compromise. one last point though, my father was a refugee from ww2 and after arriving in this country he eventually changed his name by deed-poll to an english name in the hope people would accept him and i never knew my paternal grandparents as they had both died before i was born and also my father never felt free to visit his homeland but from peoples comments i have realised its not about me i never thought it was or wanted it to be in the first place. once againk thank you everyone for your comments

this has nothing to do with the grandma or the baby, though, this is just that as the parents have tried out saying 'baba' to their wee boy they feel foolish saying it. that just isn't going to change, unless you compromise a bit. I think GrannyBaba or Grandma Baba are brilliant suggestions.