AIBU to be 'judgy' over my friend leaving her 8 & 6 year old home alone for 10 mins?

[nevermore]

Popped round to see a friend the other night and her two boys answered the door saying both parents had popped out. Was rather shocked since they are 8 & 6. OK it was a short time and only a few streets away but they went by car (therefore risk of being involved in crash) and it was late evening. I told her I was shocked and thought that if police had called they could have been in trouble. More worrying though to me is fire etc. Am I being a smug suburban mother (am certainly not perfect) but I find this quite shocking & suspect we may fall out a bit over it.

My BIL was wrapped in cotton wool by MIL. He is now 35 lives at home, is unemployed, has no friends and is utterly unable to cope with any of life's normal ups and downs. She fought every battle for him and never let him take any risks. I know it's extreme but I would never want that for my kids. I expect them to take responsibilty for their own actions and to take increased risks/responsibilites as and when is age appropriate.

She does, she loves being needed and I suppose this is why.

She does lots of her son's homework projects for him and then he re-writes in his own handwriting. He had a bit of a shock when he stayed here for a week in the summer!

I pity the poor DC when he suddenly reaches the magic age of 16yrs and suddenly he is let loose and innocent abroad! Hopefully he will find a girlfriend before then who might help him fight the smothering. (I think that DSs put up with it more than DDs)

sorry 'an' not and.

When mine were young I told them not to answer the door if I wasn't there. People all have their own ideas-one particular way isn't 'right' for all.

I think very few of us if we're honest can say we've never ever taken a calculated risk with our children. Mine are adults now - only 17 months apart - and when they were small l would never ever have dreamt of leaving them in a bath unattended and going downstairs or outside. But when they were both in the bath - on occasion l would go to my bedroom next door if l had forgotten a towel or something - literally ten seconds if that and both doors open throughout.

But l did walk past the top of the stairs for example - what if l had a funny turn and fell down stairs or tripped in the bedroom and knocked myself out ? My (now ex) H could not have been due in for hours - so the children could have quite possibly drowned.

So l suppose life is all about risk assesment but l dont think that makes me or your friend OP - bad parents. Though tbh l wouldnt personally leave that age on their own in the house for ten minutes but cant be too judgy about it because for example how many of us can say hand on heart we've not been upstairs for that period of time whilst DCs downstairs - or outside in the garden - or grabbed a quick shower when alone with DCs (where you cant hear much really) - and so on and so forth. Technically that is still leaving them alone without adult supervision and anything could happen.

Great post Pag. I totally agree with you. I start my DDs off with small things like letting them take a different fork in a path when a know they will join up a hundred yards or so later on when we're out in the woods, or letting them take the stairs while I walk up a ramp to the shops... tiny things they can do on their own and feel free and trusted to be 'alone', and build it up from there.

I have a friend who still dresses her 4 and 6yo DSs. When they come for sleepovers I tell them to get into their pjs and they just stand there with their arms in the air waiting for me to undress them. Bizarre!

My two are also 4 and 6, they help me cut up veg to make dinner, they get their own drinks, they bake with me, I leave them alone in the bath, they choose their own clothes and dress themselves. They tidy their own room, and soon I'll be teaching the 6yo to make me a cup of tea. Mmmm, tea-minion!

Ooh, Pag. The first time my parents left us in the house for a night to go to a friends wedding, (I was the youngest at 15), my brother and I filled the house with reprobates. I slept in my parents bed with my boyfriend and lost my bra down the side of their bed!
(Cringing at the memory.)
Because of my endless irresponsibility as a teenager I will find it very hard to trust ds as he gets older! (But I will try!)

I was always brought up to be very careful in my parent's house. They had a lot of antique furniture, and woe betide anyone who put cups down on polished surfaces, feet up on the furniture while wearing shoes, or threw things around in the house (too many ornaments at risk). Also, my Dad's pride and joy was his hi-fi system, which was state of the art, and I was banned from going near it.. I had my own cheapo record player in my room.

Because of that, I grew up knowing that if anything got damaged there would be consequences, so when my parents went out for the evening, which they often did after I was 11 as they were dance teachers, I was left on my own. We had no telephone either. If anyone had rung the doorbell, I would have peeped out of the window, and if I didnt know the person, I wouldnt have answered it. The barking hound would have been enough to put anyone off in any case.

I was sensible, I was able to make a meal or a hot drink if I wanted one, I didnt invite friends in as I didnt want to risk anything getting damaged, and my parents knew that they would come home to the house as they left it, with me happily watching tv with the dog.

By 12 I was babysitting other children.

I would be more worried about the danger my 8 yo and 6 yo would pose to each other if left unattended.

Ouch Northern - the bra down the bed story would still be making me cringe. You poor thing

But that's part of the thing isn't it? Left alone for the first time you all went crazy. Ds1 has been left here often. He stayed in England which we went abroad from the time he was 16 and we let him use our house in Spain cast year when he was just 18 with all his school friends. No problems. At all.

It had no novelty value, no going crazy. Plus he loves that we trust him so he respects that. The house is always clean and tidy when we get home. If he has a party he cleans up after that too. It's great.

Sorry - lots of auto correct failures there.

everlong Sun 08-Jan-12 10:35:59
"The request to my ds 'to not open the door' is to keep it simple."

But why would you need to keep it simple for a 12yo? For a 6yo I can see why you need to keep to very basic instructions but for an age where a child is expected to understand equations and chemical compounds and medieval politics and the rationale behind different religious beliefs, I think it should be possible to discuss the meaning behind instructions without confusing them. At this age I don't just want blind obedience: I want them to think and have an idea of their own as to suitable safety measures and why they are in place.

They discuss (as opposed to just learn blindly) the reasons for and against underage sex and drug taking at school at this age- would they really be too immature to discuss the conditions under which to answer the door at home?

They will go crazy when let off the leash if it has always been rigidly attached. It is a good reason for letting it out slowly IMO and then by the time they get to 15yrs it is second nature to be responsible and treat the house the way your parents would want it treated.

Quite Pag. I was left alone a lot (rather more than my parents realised - my elder sister was supposed to be looking after me but used to disappear off on her boyfriend's motorbike the moment my parents' car had left the drive) looking after my younger sister from the age of about 9 or 10.

It is entirely about the sort of person your child is. I was sensible and could be trusted, my elder sister couldn't :o

You do have to risk assess according to area as well as according to DC. Obviously if it is common for people to threaten to get car keys it is very different from living in a leafy village where no one even bothers to lock their door. DCs should also appreciate this.

yes, I see what you mean about it being a nasty area, everlong- sounds horrible. I still don't see why you would want to keep instructions simple for a 12yo rather than discussing them with him; presumably he knows as much about the area as you do

perhaps I was just nit-picking about words- it was the word "simple" that seemed to recall to me some of my friends who speak to their secondary school age children as if they were very young, not someone you can discuss life with

the plan not to open the door is probably sensible in your particular circumstances- though not perhaps generally applicable; most people, thankfully, don't live in areas where this is a problem

A different leafy village to mine then! I don't know anyone who has been threatened on their doorstep. (You wouldn't have to even threaten my brother-he leaves his door open and they could just go in and help themselves to keys!) However-as an adult you know the risks-they are not the same everywhere.

I had different rules when leaving an 8 yr old to leaving a 10 yr old to leaving a 14yr old etc. It is all to do with the DC, the level of maturity and the level of risk in your neighbourhood. It isn't the black and white cottonwool v neglect that people are making out.