AIBU to be 'judgy' over my friend leaving her 8 & 6 year old home alone for 10 mins?

[nevermore]

Popped round to see a friend the other night and her two boys answered the door saying both parents had popped out. Was rather shocked since they are 8 & 6. OK it was a short time and only a few streets away but they went by car (therefore risk of being involved in crash) and it was late evening. I told her I was shocked and thought that if police had called they could have been in trouble. More worrying though to me is fire etc. Am I being a smug suburban mother (am certainly not perfect) but I find this quite shocking & suspect we may fall out a bit over it.

Who says they had no idea who was there? nevermore is mum's friend - did they see their mum's friend out of window, through glass/spyhole/whatever?

Of course it's ok not to open the door if you have anxiety issues! And if you don't want to. And if you live in a really scary area.

But not if you think that it's automatically dangerous to do it without a man in the house.

Everlong -even if he knows who it is?

everlong my kids know that the world is not full of psychos out to get them, they know MOST people are nice, they know my friends would understand if they didn't answer the door, but that if something had happened to me it is most likely that a friend would come to the door to let them know about it.

"don't answer the door" leaves a very narrow set of options if something does go wrong.

How bizarre. So a friend pops round to borrow a bag of sugar and your 12 year old isn't allowed to open the door to her?

You always get 2 schools of thought in these threads...... my 12 year old has to take a 20 min public bus service to and from school every day on her own, and walk half a mile at this end, I would let her answer the door to a friend of mine..

You always get 2 schools of thought in these threads......

IMO these threads highlight the cotton wool parents from the others

Yes, I have actually taught DS (6) how to use matches. So, no big thing about it and he has learnt how to use them safely.
We have also had blackouts and he has learnt what to do then.
We have also discussed what to do in some emergencies.

As others have said yellow of course it is ok not to answer the door. But it very odd to believe you are only safe doing so when there is a man in the house

And I'd rather raise mature, capable children than be called cotton wool

By 12 years old I was capable of answering the door, as well as going doing the shopping on my own.

I think one of the things that sometimes gets factored in is a misunderstanding about childrens desire to be responsible and independent.

Some parents (and I mean some) regard responsibility as burdensome. They have forgotten that huge buzz you get as a child when your parents allow you to do something and thereby silently signal to you that they tryst you and recognize that you are growing up gradually.
Small gestures, small periods of responsibility nurture a childs self respect and teaches them how to cope with the unexpected.
Because the listing of all the shock horror potential pit falls by those trying to convince others that a child cannot cope actually makes the opposite point. The idea of never leaving a child until they have experienced and would cope with every possible scenario means never leaving them at all because not even adults know how they would cope with every possible scenario.

Every experience extends our ability to problem solve. To deny a child the opportunity to deal with these because of the very very remote possibility that the experience may include an axe weilding murderer who ties a burning tea towel to gem and throws them down the stairs is nonsensical.

My ds2 has sn. The temptation to risk assess his life so that we never leave the house and never place him in new circumstances which he would not cope with is overwhelming. I am petrified at every new step he takes into the world. But I have to because to lock him at home to ease my fear is cruel. It saddens me that if anything happened to him there are those on here who would be just bursting to say 'i told you so'. Yet the school nag me to stretch him, reminding me at every turn of how he grows and says how proud he is when we let him do things alone.

I think people forget that, forget how great it was the first time your parents trusted you. The first time you were challenged and did well. It's pretty sad actually.

Great post pag.

I have not posted on this thread before as I know what they are like with very entrenched views on both sides... but you have summed up exactly how I feel!

I've just had a huge row with a friend, who accused me of being neglectful by letting my 12yo DS walk the dog without me and stay in the house alone if I pop out for an hour. I had to send her links to various websites to prove I wasn't breaking the law.

She does everything for her DS even though he is also 12. He doesn't even make his own squash, never mind make her a cup of tea. She says she wouldn't trust him to boil the kettle without burning himself! He has never been left on his own, even for a minute and she says she won't allow him to be until he is 16.

I certainly think 12 is well old enough for a certain amount of responsibility and to deny them this is doing your child a disservice.

And I'm not neglectful. That was kind of my point. HTH

Well I'd rather be called cotton wool than neglectful

I wouldn't, I know that I am not neglectful-in fact given my time again I would give more independence and responsibility.
Wrapping in cotton wool isn't good for anyone. You can even see it with the elderly. My mother broke her leg and was doing nothing for herself, she was even letting someone else make her a cup of tea; we were being kind but it was the worst thing. She is now back to having to do things on her own and she is a different person-outgoing and with her sense of humour back. It is like a DC, you don't want to see her struggle with a hot drink in case she falls and you want to do it for her but you need to stand by and let her do it.

I agree entirely with Pagwatch. People want to protect their DC from everything-we even had at Christmas that mothers should make sure that their DC sends a card to everyone in the class because DCs get upset if they don't get many. Life isn't like that. The parent's job is to help the DC deal with disappointment, rejection and sadness and not eliminate it. How will they deal with a girlfriend breaking it off, not getting a job they want, a grandparent dying etc if they have never had to start with the little things like not being chosen for the part they want in the school play or not being invited to a party?

Life is for living-life is a risk-you minimise it and learn to deal with it by experience. You need the experiences-you never learn through someone else's experience.
If you have an 8yr old that you are not happy about leaving then you work with the 8yr old in other ways to make them responsible. Contrary to some people's posts on 'burdens' DCs actually thrive on trust and responsibility-recognised by people who run adventure courses etc.

She does everything for her DS even though he is also 12. He doesn't even make his own squash, never mind make her a cup of tea. She says she wouldn't trust him to boil the kettle without burning himself! He has never been left on his own, even for a minute and she says she won't allow him to be until he is 16.

I knew that when I said there were people who wouldn't do it at 15yrs it would be true!
DCs need to be more assertive. He needs to say at 12yrs 'I am a big boy now-I will cook the evening meal'.
I expect that the mother in question sees herself as a good mother!!!