Pretty sure IWNBU - 2 friends declare IABU - DP huffed off and not speaking to me over my choice -

[WelcomeToDumpsville]

I was pretty sure I was not being unreasonable but now having spoken to 2 close friends who say I am - I'm now trying to wriggle off the hook by going for an appeal with the MN jury! nc in case they recognise me now!

Been seeing someone for almost 6 months now,early days, we're not living togther). We've had a couple of conversations about porn, lapdancing clubs, etc. we both work in an industry where it is still common for the men to take male clients out to Spearmint Rhino etc so in the context of that awful german news story we were both saying we wished they would clamp down on at that at work because removal of corp cc's has not done to much.

Anyway, he knows my views (ex porn user, read too much and learnt too much about the industry to continue wanking away to other people's misery etc) - I know his (he uses porn, I have no idea what, I have no interest in trying to lay down ultimatums, that's his choice just as I have mine,I don't think I'm anything fantastic but having used porn myself I know it doesn't have to be about betrayal and doesn't make me feel insecure so I treat it same as if one of my friends wasn't vegetarian and I was - choice of ethics)

Right so all that being said, am boxing up DVDs to donate to charity shop and he's laughing saying I'm trying to hide my porn stash from him (stupid joke, was just being silly). And I say oh I got rid of all that ages ago, he says well what do you use now? I say my imagination and my memories I suppose. So then he starts quizzing me on memories, what do I mean memories, and I said just that, you know great sex you've had in the past.

So then I can see he's getting huffy - and basically argument evolves he wants me to stop using memories of great sex I've had because this is a betrayal and means I am thinking about having sex with other people (even if i never intend on having sex with any of them EVER again!). His view is that porn is anonymous (he doesn't have any favourite pornstars apparently - he just looks for latest photos/movie clips on websites) and therefore it is obvious it is not a betrayal but that I am directly comparing him to other men I have actually had sex with in my head. I said there's no comparing, its just remembering but no, major sulk, why can't I use porn like I used to? (not as if that's going to delete my memories but by then i couldn't really point that out because not helpful).

so my thinking is that he's a great big twat who wants to attempt to police my thoughts (and my wanking habits) in a way in which I don't want to do to him despite my own objections to porn. He huffed off (didnt stay over as planned) and no contact today.

Met friends for lunch and had a moan/vent and apparently i AM the unreasonable one in all of this because I have hurt his ego apparently. WTAF? Am I REALLY the unreasonable one in all of this? I just can't see it.

(ps. You know I'm going to be the kind of OP that clings desperately to the one person who says IANBU don't you!)

Male Ego only extends (fnarr) as far as sexual conquests, in every other sphere of life it's as tough as old boots.

Worra load o shite.

UR both BU. And a bit insensitive. But 6 months isn't a long time. Sooo much more to find out.

I think whoever said he is trying to make you use porn again, to make himself feel better about it, has it spot-on

Of course YANBU. I am baffled by this. Nobody has the right to tell you who or what you may or may not think about in your own head, when masturbating or otherwise. It's certainly no worse than getting off to strangers on the internet.
If you were rubbing it in his face that you sometimes think of past experiences to turn you on, then that would be insensitive. But he asked you, he pressed you, and you were honest. You said that you draw upon your past memories and imagination, that's hardly a bloody crime! It could include all sorts of things, him included. He is being incredibly immature and unrealistic if he thinks that he is the only one who should possibly evoke erotic thoughts in you. What egotistical bollocks.

YANBU. He sounds a bit insecure which would be a big turn off for me.

whatmeworry - it would be nice to meet a man who genuinely doesnt wank to porn so if he had a back catalogue (and we were busy making our own back catalogue of shared memories too) then all the better tbh - so if a bloke i dated said i dont use porn, dont like it and dont need to, just use my imagination and memories I reckon id leave it at that

shirley - problem was I was not really paying attention (or rather did not see what was going to blow up) because too fucking busy being annoyed at realised a lot of DVDs were out of the cases again (DCs) so was just answeing questions and at the start he was all jokey jokey

I don't like the sound of him getting "shouty" and telling you how to behave

Welcome - oh I'm sure, but again I'd like to repeat - He's a Dick. That's not your fault, it's his and bullshit to your friends.

ooo i think you were far to honest with him i can see why he was hurt it isnt betrayel though imo just fantasy isnt it he uses porn you use your imagination and memories , I dont see how he can tell you to stop thats like telling somebody to stop thinking Yanbu

raised voice AF not bellowing but yep, i would have thought my 2 friends would have agreed (nope,apparently they know both their boyf/husband use porn because of internet trail and i know one of them has had huge issues with it in the past - he is not discrete - but she was the most vehement about me having hurt him - yes him using porn is no offence to me, well,because it isnt 'betrayal' in the same sense - still not getting it - at all)

What you were saying was that like anyone else who doesn't use porn you use your imagination, which obviously draws on your experience.

Pathetic, sulky boy. You're well shot of him.

He doesn't sound like anyone I'd like to be in a relationship with - uses porn and goes off in huffs.

I think your parting shot ought to be "Oh and by the way, I won't be depositing you in my wank bank."

And tell your friends to get some self-esteem.

YANBU he´s a twat who needs dumping.

Surely what you said was just a remark & he was ridiculous to try to get specifics from it.

And yuk at his idea that porn is essential.

Okay, I'm going to commit the mn sin of not having read all replies before posting.

YANBU

He is BVU in asking you in the first place. It's none of his business what your fantasies are while wanking.

I'm another one who is sick of hearing all about this male ego that must be pandered to Fuck that...

YANBU. He doesn't get to say what you think about when you have a wank! He needs to get over it.

"it would be nice to meet a man who genuinely doesnt wank to porn"

They´re not that hard to find are they?

I'm another one in the YANBU camp over here. What happens inside your head when you are having an private moment is no one's business but your own.

YANBU at all. Agree with AnyFucker and Shirley.

Yes of course it would be hurtful if OP said out of the blue "you know I find it helps if I think about shagging old boyfriends when we are in bed" but that's not what happened. She was quizzed (unreasonably and in an uncool way IMO) and tried to answer honestly.

When you remember past good sex it's the experience itself that is the important bit, not the person you were with, surely?

Agree he is trying to push OP back to using porn so he can feel better about it.

If someone came on here posting about their DH fantasising about a previous conquest, what would the reaction be? I'm pretty certain we wouldn't be accusing her of being egotistical.

What goes on in your head is your own business but there was no need to tell him. I don't blame him for being hurt by it, I would be too.

OP, I think that your friend's shitty relationship with her husband is colouring her view

it would make her feel better about what she is actually rationalising in her own relationship, if you were to BU here

it is classic

on so many of the porn threads on here, there is a contingent of women who wade in to say "there is nothing wrong with porn, all men look at it, there is nothing you can do about it and if you keep complaining about it don't be surprised if he leaves you" (or words to that effect)

your friend sounds like one of those women, and it must be very grim to feel unable to say "actually I'm not ok with it"

Och well - I think the welcometodumpsville name is for me as opposed to him really - usually would have had a few texts back and forth (and would have had a good time last night but for the flounce) so dont think i am going to have to do too much to say goodbye to him,like I said I still am not sure what i should be sorry for even after this thread! I do think its an ego thing but if my ego isnt dented by him using porn why would I think his would be by me using my brain?

diddl - i do think they are rare, i know they definitely exist but very rare and us women are supposed to lump it.Like i said i changed my mind in the pas about what porn was and how it used people but if I stopped eating meat I wouldnt expect all my future partners to give up meat for me.It is my ethical choice if that makes sense. But like a lot ofvegetarians would like to meet other vegetarians (theres even internet dating sites for them!) theres no way of me meeting someone who isnt into porn,seems too prevalent now.

But listzilla he asked, and pressed for an answer. And OP wanted to be honest.

and conversely, if someone said to me "I am not ok with what gets you off, and it is a dealbreaker", I would respond with "fair do's, sunshine...bye then"

I wonder if there is internet dating for people who have no need for porn ?

That could be a goer...