To not understand why he hasn't proposed yet...?

[Tanz825]

Hi,

Me and my partner have been together 5 and a half years now and he still hasn't asked me to marry him. We have been living together for 4 years and have bought our own house together last year and are living there with our 9 month old daughter. There has always been talk of getting married ever since very early in our relationship, not just from myself but from my partner too but he still hasn't asked me to marry him. I'm starting to wonder why and sometime get upset about it because he knows how important it is to me. I wouldnt be so upset but he keeps referring to where we might get married (abroad) but he hasn't asked me yet and it's like pouring salt in a wound. Over Christmas two of my friends have got engaged and they have been together half the time we have which I was so happy for them but at the same time I felt like it was my turn. His family keep asking him why he's waiting and he just says theirs no rush. He is a romantic at heart and I believe he wants it to be perfect he says we can't afford it. I think hes setting his expectations to high, which is lovely but i dont care about those fancy things. He also thinks that once we get engaged I'll want to get married straight away which is not the case. I've told him I don't care about fancy rings or a big wedding all I want is to be married to him and have the same name as him and my daughter and be his wife. I just feel like the longer were together the less he thinks it matters and that he's just taking his time because he knows he can. Iv thought about asking him but he said a while ago that if I ever ask him he'll say no coz that's his job. I know I may sound selfish but it's getting to me and I'm feeling a little resentful which I don't like. Anyone know how I can't stop feeling like this? I generally just push it to the back of my mind but then something comes up about marriage or engagements and I get a hollow feeling in the pit on my stomach and all those feeling come back. I know I shouldn't feel like this and I should just wait till he's ready, which I will, but In the mean time I need to find a way to block these sad feeling. Anyone have and suggestions?

Thanx
Tanya

I think the idea of a civil partnership seems more equal. Not this idea of the woman waiting to be asked. This is what no one has ever answered here no matter how many times it is asked. If it is all about protecting assets etc then why don,t both decide. I have never met a man who has been in distress about this ever. What about equality?

I think gay couples should have access to marriage, certainly. I think everyone should be able to have the choice: a strictly civil contract which is not a marriage thank you very much and a marriage, with all the associations and tripe malarky that goes with it. I don't want to be a wife. I don't want to be part of an institution which has the history of marriage (ownership, ownership of children, legal rights to rape and so on), however cleaned up its act now is. I don't want people to coo sentimentally at me about a lifelong partnership. And marriage, however prosaically executed (and I do actually quite like the idea of a wedding, dammit, it's not the party and the fuss and the nice dress I object to!) carries those associations.

I can see the point of tying up our legalities even more tightly than they currently are. But there are limits, really.

Noddy, I went to the wedding of a couple last year - they'd been together 14 years and it was him that wanted to get married all along and her that resisted. She had such a lovely time at her wedding she was saying 'I should have done this years ago!' all day.

I can see why people are opposed to the institution of marriage, particularly from a feminist viewpoint, but I see my marriage as an equal partnership. My vows didn't say 'obey' (I don't think anyone does now do they?) although I quite fancied the idea of dh saying 'with my body I thee worship' but never mind! We were married at a registry office, and as far as I know, it was probably very similar to a civil partnership ceremony.

My dh would never ever have married in a church, I know that much.

Dp has asked me twice at the start. we have been together over 20 years now and he knows it isn't my thing. Funnily enough he says he never truly thought about it just thought it was what came next! I have no objection to it for others but find the way the man holds all teh cards very outdated and frankly wrong.

"I think the idea of a civil partnership seems more equal. Not this idea of the woman waiting to be asked."

What's the difference? Presumably someone has to broach the subject of civil partnership, that's no different from someone proposing marriage. Either party may be the one to propose. If a woman "waits to be asked", that's her business, she has a choice.

Yes it is a choice but there is a lot of complaining while waiting! A partnership seems like a discussion and both agree a time etc. If you believe in the traditional system and then you don't get asked you can't exactly complain! The man has all the power which is just not my thing

Marriage is often decided upon in a similar mundane way.

Yes I know but I am referring to this thread and many others over the years on here where someone is waiting for her partner to ask and is upset that he hasn't.

DP offers up the male view of "I wouldn't propose if I were him either, he's got everything a marriage would give him so why bother? Too expensive!"

He has everything a marriage would give him? This whole thread has been arguing that you can't have everything without! He doesn't have the legals that marriage gives should his partner decide to go and leave him penniless

"too expensive" suggests he is confusing "wedding" with "marriage".

noddyholder it's his view, not mine! and in all honesty having cohabited and had children with someone before meeting DP I'd argue that marriage is a bit of a non issue when it comes to the crunch of sorting the legalities of a split out, more so if the dad is named on the birth certificate - he has equal PR by default.

PercyFilth not really. I think he was getting at a wedding being an expense that a household with children in can do without.

Yes, that's what I meant. You can get married without having a "wedding", as such, at minimal expense.

Costs around £500 for the legal bits and such like, and as much as people say they don't want all the trimmings do they really mean it? Would the OP be happy to walk down the local registry office in jeans and t'shirt sign a bit of paper and head down the pub for a pint to celebrate?

It is very easy to get caught up in not 'wanting' the trimmings then going "oh but i need dad to walk me down the aisle" and "oh it has to be in a church because..." "I can't stand in front of a few people so and so would feel left out..."

I do wonder how many people who say they want to get married, but more or less are, like the op, want the wedding more than the marriage.

Talking about your DP, not the OP.

In France you can have a civil partnership, and not "have" to get married. It's about 5 minutes in an office. But most people I know who have done this have gone on to get married at a later date.

It seems a very civilised way of going about things - it gives you a legal status, but not the whole hoo haa of marriage and "who gives this woman" stuff/waiting for the man to propose.

oops

schaden that is what I would like and am appalled really that I can't have it.

I think a lot of people get hung up on the idea that a wedding has to be a big performance. It really doesnt. TBH I sometimes think that less focus on the wedding would be healthier for the couple.

My DH and I got married this year after 18 months being engaged and 9 1/2 years together. Those that think 'if he hasn't asked yet then he won't do and doesn't want to marry you', what is the acceptable time for a couple to be together before they 'should' be engaged?

Some very harsh comments towards the op which aren't necessary IMO. Personally, call me old fashioned, but I would never ask a man to marry me, leap year or not, especially if he said he wouldn't want that. Friend of mine asked her man and he sai no, how embarrassing, then went on later to ask her. Sounds like your man loves you and does want to commit, some men just hate feeling pressured IMO so if you maybe back off a bit, he may make the move? I've previously wanted a boyfriend to propose to prove his commitment to me, rather than wanting to marry him which is wrong. I'm really happily unmarried now, with 2 dc, their dad and a mortgage, ha ha. Hope it all works out ok for you.

To the people that requested updates earlier today (sorry to hijack again OP!!)

I had my chat with DP and offered up my compromise of a small wedding in two years time in order for us to save and get used to being parents. I also offered no need to propose or buy an engagement ring. He accepted my compromise but went a little further and said that rather than us having a very small registry office do we'd have a slightly bigger garden wedding and that although he doesn't need to propose, he wants to anyway and had genuinely been trying to come up with the perfect proposal for the last 6 months. (he said that nothing seemed right and he knew I was expecting it soon which is why he was waiting. He wanted it be a complete surprise )

I know he said that he only wanted to get married to make me happy but I think he may be fibbing to himself - he seems to be a bit too into it!

So all ends well here. We had our long overdue chat and we both know what the future holds. I've also now got the go ahead to plan a wedding in 2 years which shall keep me amused during maternity leave!

Thanks MN!

Sorry that should have been !

Oh, honestly, these threads make me tear my hair out. Who cares if people don't want to get married? If they're happily prepared to take their chances, well that's up to them. I would never criticise anyone's personal choice - male or female.

What gets met is the way people think they are equal without that "piece of paper". It's just not true, and I find it quite wearing and upsetting. FFS people, wake up!

I'll try again. There is nothing you can do to replicate the legal status and security of marriage. It isn't an anti-feminist thing, FFS, the rights of married women have been the subject of strenuous campaigns since the 1970s. It is the single most important way you can protect your rights within a relationship.

And, BTW, no-one "gave me away", I didn't marry in a church, we could have practically written our vows ourselves (but who cares, it's just a piece of paper!) we just had a fucking fantastic paartaaaay and had a bloody good larf.

If people don't want to bother, well fine. But please stop perpetuating this myth that being unmarried isn't a problem for women. It is a very big problem on death or separation.

Hasn't it ever struck you that it's always women worrying about not being married? Ever wondered why? I mean, I'm sure there are some men who would like to be married but get turned down. But could there just be a grain of reason for the anxiety that intelligent women feel when they know perfectly well what they're missing out on?

Doh!

The definitive answer to you, OP, is no! You are not BU at all to expect the minimum of respect from your partner for your precarious position.

Don't listen to those who say "Well it's OK by me, so why are you complaining?"

Make up your own mind.