To not understand why he hasn't proposed yet...?

[Tanz825]

Hi,

Me and my partner have been together 5 and a half years now and he still hasn't asked me to marry him. We have been living together for 4 years and have bought our own house together last year and are living there with our 9 month old daughter. There has always been talk of getting married ever since very early in our relationship, not just from myself but from my partner too but he still hasn't asked me to marry him. I'm starting to wonder why and sometime get upset about it because he knows how important it is to me. I wouldnt be so upset but he keeps referring to where we might get married (abroad) but he hasn't asked me yet and it's like pouring salt in a wound. Over Christmas two of my friends have got engaged and they have been together half the time we have which I was so happy for them but at the same time I felt like it was my turn. His family keep asking him why he's waiting and he just says theirs no rush. He is a romantic at heart and I believe he wants it to be perfect he says we can't afford it. I think hes setting his expectations to high, which is lovely but i dont care about those fancy things. He also thinks that once we get engaged I'll want to get married straight away which is not the case. I've told him I don't care about fancy rings or a big wedding all I want is to be married to him and have the same name as him and my daughter and be his wife. I just feel like the longer were together the less he thinks it matters and that he's just taking his time because he knows he can. Iv thought about asking him but he said a while ago that if I ever ask him he'll say no coz that's his job. I know I may sound selfish but it's getting to me and I'm feeling a little resentful which I don't like. Anyone know how I can't stop feeling like this? I generally just push it to the back of my mind but then something comes up about marriage or engagements and I get a hollow feeling in the pit on my stomach and all those feeling come back. I know I shouldn't feel like this and I should just wait till he's ready, which I will, but In the mean time I need to find a way to block these sad feeling. Anyone have and suggestions?

Thanx
Tanya

Oh, mummymccar sounds like you have him well sussed. Good luck to you both

Thanks Olgaga

Congrats mummy .

Olgaga I don't see anyone saying that cohabiting and unmarried couples are exactly equally legal. I do see people saying that they dislike the idea of marriage and that the legal benefits don't outweigh that.

My issue with your posts is your seeming insistence that it is to women's advantage to be married. I'm sure you think I'm being obtuse, but I really don't see that. Lots of women my age don't give up work, we have our own pensions, we own 50% of the house etc. I don't see that I have anything more to be worried about than DP in that respect.

The only valid point I can see you have made is in the event of death, either partner would have to be worried.

Anyway, whatever, personally I think you're deluded if you think that post-70s feminism has wiped out the inequalities most women face in marriage, but there you go!

Yonder, if you can't acknowledge the developments in protection for women over the last 4 decades then you are the one who is deluded.

"The only valid point I can see you have made is in the event of death..."

Gosh, the one thing we can all predict will certainly happen. Well whoopee, something at least has got through.

Olgaga , replace "woman " in your posts with " person in the relationship who earns less or who gave up their career to be at home with the children" and it makes more sense.
I am a woman , earn considerably more than my partner, owned assets before we ever met.
It would serve me very badly indeed to get married, in the event of a split.

I agree with yonder about the death scenario

Some of you are truly stuck in a 50s time warp. I don't give my partner sweeties, and if I did he'd have to pay for them. (er...what?)

In the event of a death, it is advisable that neither of you have any sort of property, money or possessions. We rent, we have no kids, we are skint. So we can go along quite happily not being married.

Except for I really want a big dress and WAAAAA, my partner's parents had a messy divorce so he doesn't want to get married.

Why would someone ask for advice / if they ABU and 10 pages later be nowhere to seen ?

Because they have got enough info for the article they were writing on what to do if a man won't propose?

Being unmarried isn't a problem for a woman as long as she has the foresight to make sure that all the individual financial and legal aspects of the relationship are properly sorted out.

I am unmarried and everything is in place. I have no outstanding concerns that marriage would resolve.

I bloody hope OP doesn't feature me in said article - if I wanted an article written about my relationship I'd do it myself!

Jasper, I'm happy to take your point that in a very small minority of cases, the roles of mothers and fathers reversed.

That makes absolutely no difference whatsoever to the issue, which is that the most important legal benefits of marriage cannot be achieved by couples who cohabit.

And it is usually women and their children who suffer the consequences.

OP

I understand where your coming from not everyone sees marriage as important but I do. Its not just a piece of paper its a commitment on another level.
Legally being married puts you in a much better position if something happens death/separation its not the same as living together not in my eyes.

Everyone is different but its important to you and that's all that matters your partner needs to buck up and decide what he wants why shouldn't you get married just because it doesn't seem to be the norm these days?? it sounds like something you really want and if you OH loves you and wants to be with you he should be happy to oblige.

It reminds me of a friend her OH is really lovely looking (model material) she is average. They have been together 6 years one child and bought a house and he's told her he will never marry her WHY? I see him he has wandering eyes I think he's always looking for something better and the real reason he wont marry her is because he just doesn't think she's the woman for him deep down so wont make that final commitment.

I hope this isnt the case for you OP and you get your wish soon.

MUMMYCAR how lovely. You sound as though you are in the sam situation as me!!

sweetness86 I agree with you, and your comment "why shouldn't you get married because it doesn't seem to be the norm these days" was interesting.

I agree that it doesn't seem to be the norm, that is because we constantly read that cohabitation is the "fastest growing" type of family unit. This is rather misleading, and the result of the actual numbers being quite small.

In fact families of cohabiting couples are estimated at around 15% of all families. The last year I can find definitive figures is 2007, at which time there were 11% of cohabiting couple families, compared with 28% of single parent families and 63% of married couple families.

"n France you can have a civil partnership, and not "have" to get married. It's about 5 minutes in an office. But most people I know who have done this have gone on to get married at a later date."

that was what my marriage ceremony was like. exactly like that. no buggering around. i did have my dad 'give me away' but that was because i wanted that. entirely optional. why do people think registry office ceremonies include vast amounts that they don't include?

it was a bit like

oooh, how lovely Mummy. I had a little weep at your post soppy old hag that I am

Congratulations and have fun planning the wedding.

Ahh thanks Mmelindor - I will do!

exactly Poe it is a question, do you want a big wedding getting in debt or do you want that piece of paper that makes the committment "legal".

the ceremony at the city hall/registras office takes 20 min and you are done.
you only need you and the other half + two witnesses with passports. costs about 100 £.

Thanx for the responses, some posts have been really helpful and some have maybe been a bit judgmental but hey that doesn't really matter. Iv spoken to my partner and he wants it to be perfect. His answer was it's my engagement too. Which is true and completely understandable. Some women spend their whole lives planning a wedding he's obviously spend this time thinking about his proposal/engagement.

He said he feels a bit pressured from his family and because quite a few of our friend have got engaged recently and feels as if he should just do it but then he's not going to have the proposal he's dremt about and it won't be right. Which isn't fair and I don't want that I want him to be happy too. Not to ask because he feels he has to.

Again to other posters who suggest giving a deadline I'm not gonna do this because no matter what happens even if we never end up getting married I love him and he loves me and is that really worth throwing away over marriage. I would much rather have the man I love in my life than not have him in it because he didn't propose by X date. For all I know he may have been planning on asking the following day.

I believe it's gonna be soon anyway and if it's not I've already got a wonderful partner, a beautiful daughter and my own house, so I need to stop being greedy.

however it all goes you have baby and partner you love
that's a lot to be chuffed about

So pleased for you Tanz! Glad you had a chat with him about it, sounds like you really sorted everything out.

Just wanted to thank you for starting this thread - I was in exactly the same position and you gave me the push I needed to talk to my DP. As a result we've now decided to get married in a couple of years to give us time to save, there is less pressure on him to propose by a certain time and I get to start planning the day now!

Thank you!

A comment on feminism:

• There is nothing feminist about trying to convince yourself that you're happy remaining unmarried if really you want to be married. So don't let people tell you that your feelings are invalid: you are allowed to be a woman who wants marriage. Lifelong family commitment is not a 1950s concept; it is a modern one.
• There is nothing feminist about giving away your power to someone else. If you wanted marriage, why did you give away your power? You decided to live with him and have a child with him, i.e. you gave him the advantages of marriage, but required nothing in return. Why not? Don't you value yourself and what you want?
• There is nothing feminist about continuing to act powerless. If you want marriage, you need to demand marriage. But make sure you are offering something in return. For example, he says he wants another kid. You say, maybe, but I want to be married first. Or he says he wants you both to buy another house. You say, maybe, but I want to be married first. He says, I'd like a new car. You say, maybe, but I want to be married first. And again and again and again, until he gets the point that YOU WANT TO BE MARRIED as a priority.

Marriage IS different to co-habitation. To me, it represents stability, the basis of my family unit. I wanted my children born into marriage, because I wanted a strong family unit for them. I wanted my financial affairs governed by marriage, because I wanted legal recognition of my status vis-a-vis my partner. I wanted my friends and family to be aware of my marriage, because I wanted them to support our commitments to each other. All of these things were very important to me, and I am a feminist. (And, as a side note, because they were important to me, I made it clear to my boyfriends that I would never consider moving in with them or having kids with them unless we were engaged. It worked; I have been proposed to three times, the last of whom made the grade and is now my very dear DH).

I get pissed off because I see your story time and time again, OP. Always the woman, always saying, "I want marriage" but never taking the initiative to demand it for herself. YOU have the power, OP, you ALWAYS did! You should have recognised your power 5 and a half bloody years ago.

Kiwiinkits you are so right. I must say I find the lack of awareness around this issue fairly staggering, but if both partners are aware of the difference between cohabitation and marriage, then it seems to boil down to respect. Or the lack of it.

kiwi Excellent post!

"you gave him the advantages of marriage, but required nothing in return. Why not? Don't you value yourself and what you want?"

Perhaps because she wanted a child more?