Friends and my 'taxi' service

[drcrab]

One of my rare posts in Aibu. Wondered if you can advise: good friends of ours went into labour and rang to ask if we could get them to hospital. This was nye and we were on our way to a party at other friend's place with our 2 toddlers. So dh brought them to hospital which is at least 30 min away. I went to party with kids. Dh joined us later.

Dh went back to sort out their dog at about 10pm. Then at 2am on new years day he went back to hospital to pick the husband up. (they'd the baby by then).

This morning another request to get to hospital with the car seat but wife not discharged yet. Then a presumption that we'll get them home too.

I'm not adverse to being nice and etc but it's the amount of time and petrol that's irking me about it all. And there's been no offer of petrol payment of anything like that.

We recently moved and clearly they don't drive. So we drove them up here 2x (and back) to have dinner etc.

I feel bad for being so unreasonable about this but I'm upset because there was no offer to pay petrol (and we are by no means flush!) and this will be the 3rd trip to hospital. I'm just thinking that this will become the taxi service everytime we want to meet/see them. It takes 2 buses to come to ours and they have perhaps hosted us 2x in the 8 years we've known them so if we want to have meals at home (either) we will have to go pick them up and bring them here. And then back.

I feel bad that I'm feeling this way as they have helped us out a lot in the past. But I just wish there's some offer of petrol money or something of that sort. Having said that dh is now off to pick the husband up to go to hospital. He thinks I'm being uncharitable. :( go on tell me I'm being unreasonable.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. It was nice of you to help out last night, when taxis are particularly difficult to get hold of. I would expect that the husband should make his own way there and back for visiting. If they're non drivers they may not appreciate the cost. Maybe get DH to stop off at a petrol station to fill up with him in the car, "blimey, £40, although half of it is yours....".

Tell DH to tell them 'Sorry I won't be able to take you home from hospital, we have no petrol left in car and I don't have any money left to put more in'
If they offer to pay for some get him to ask for at least half a tank full. It might sound mean but it will stop them using you like a taxi service whenh they realise it is putting you out of pocket

Or don't get them anything to celebrate new baby and if they mention it tell them 'we had some money put by but spent it on petrol getting you to hospital several times over NYE. We thought thsat was more important then a little teddy'

Or suck it up and get used to being the taxi service for your friends as it sounds like the only way you will be able to continue a realationship with them

Their heads are probably full of the new baby and not petrol money, which is understandable. Yes the dad shoud be offering some petrol money but maybe when things calm down they will get you a present?

How do they expect to get about now the baby is born - shops, doctors, social events etc etc? Can either drive?

They sound like new fire DS so maybe you will need to have some prepared "oh I am sorry but I have the dentist/doctor/other engagement at that time" in case they take the mickey.

Things are very confused for them at the moment, what with giving birth and everything. I think YABU to expect them to be firing on all cylinders at the moment, with their company manners intact and all.
When things have settled down and the taxi service isn't an emergency, then it's time to establish some ground rules about dinner dates.
Bit early to start worrying about being exploited in the future, have you ever driven them or is it your OH?

Hmm. I think if it was just the baby issue I'd let it go. And it is probably best to, otherwise you are going to be the bad guy (demanding money when they've just had a baby...)

However as there is so much form I'm not surprised you're annoyed. That gives a bad name to people who don't drive! We don't, and are very very careful about not taking advantage of others. We host most meetings with friends, partly due to lack of car, partly due to having young DCs (my friends don't) - it works well because they find it a lot easier to travel, but we pay for food and do all the clearing up etc (we have also paid my friend's train fare when they were really hard up)

Have you ever called them on it before?

Definitely ask them for petrol money... at least half a tank's worth.

It was very kind of you to drive them to hospital, sort out the dog and everything else, but they may be taking advantage of your generosity now. The husband should be able to get buses to visit.

Do you have plans today/tomorrow that would prevent you from being available? If not, maybe make some.

You've had them to dinner and provided transport twice according to your OP, unless I read it wrongly.
So, still time to prevent that becoming a pattern without much of a problem I'd have thought.

An offer of petrol money would have been nice... I was going to say that with the wife about to give birth to their first child, they maybe weren't focussing on practical things like petrol money, but I gather from the rest of the post that they don't normally think to make a contribution anyway. People who don't drive have no idea how expensive fuel is, let alone running a car, maybe they just don't realise it's the done thing to offer.

I reckon you either accept that these friends will expect lifts and not contribute petrol money, if you can afford to absorb it, or you tell them straight that you can't afford to ferry them around for nowt and agree a set amount before each lift.

What on earth was their back up plan for transport if you were unavailable? Extremely presumptuous of them. YANBU.

Having said that, if you can help them out with lifts until the baby is home that's really good of you. But any further invites to yours for dinner or to visit should not include any mention of you collecting them or returning them home and if they mention it, say you can't because the car is off the road/you can't afford petrol/you and your DH will both be having a drink and unable to drive.

Were you asked before hand if you would be their driver when she went in to labour? If neither drive I would have hoped that they had made those sort of plans. It was lovely that you could help them out. Are they really good friends that you would give lifts too regularly? Is the hospital difficult together get to by public transport? Given that if your DH is happy to give them lifts at this difficult time for them that's great but obviously if they choose not to drive ultimately the alternative can't be just to rely on other people and they need to make their own organisation.

Why do you invite them to your house if you are not keen on fetching them and taking them home? Let them use public transport if they want to visit you. It's time they found out what it's like to do everything that way. If they complain comment on bus fares, just mention petrol costs, road tax, insurance, servicing, MoT.

Is there a restaurant or other place where you could meet so that they do not have to travel far?

Back up plan?
Friendless, carless and in labour, we phoned for an ambulance to get me there and DH had to walk and take buses to get to and from.
Went home in an ambulance too, we didn't own a car seat and I was too beaten up to cope with buses and a mile walk with a baby.

I'm staggered that they have relied on you for this - had you arranged it before?
I can tell you categorically that I would not have done more than one trip to the hospital on NYE (probably not even that if I'm honest)! You sound like genuinely very nice and giving people but these 'friends' are royally taking the piss, new baby or not.

They were bloody lucky finding someone who hadn't had a drink to actually drive them on NYE, never mind be fit enough to sort out dogs at 2am!

YANU

I would say to them "consider the fuel to get you around our present to you all rather than buying something for the baby" - that way you won't feel obliged to buy a present and it make them remember that cars aren't free!

Can they not rent a car? That is what we did when I was expecting my first and lived out in the country.
Did they not have any arrangements made, or did she go in earlier than expected and they have no money set aside?
I think I would help them just now, but someone will have to speak up if they call and ask again after they are all settled in at home.

I don't drive, but YANBU at all, how rude! I would have at least offered petrol money. You have to be assertive, or they will walk all over you. I would have just done the initial drive to the hospital, then after they have to sort themselves out. You should have said no, we are busy sorry, here is the number of a good taxi service.

Can either of them drive?
This thread is quite depressing really, you have known these people for years and you still find it hard to help them at one of the most important moments of their entire lives. I really struggle with that mindset. Your DH sounds much more humane. Much more charitable and caring.
If you feel like that, then they are mere acquaintances rather than friends, so be honest about not wanting to be their taxi service in the future.

Thanks all for your thoughts. We moved a month ago. Previously they were our neighbors (lived up the road). They usually would pop round once a week as we had the one then two children. We'd also invite them round for BBQ or dinners as we cooked more (although having said that they do cook well too, we just don't get invited). A reason why we rarely eat at theirs was because their home is pretty small (previous home). Having said that their current home is bigger and yet we've never had a meal there.

I have driven them around before. I've just not done this set of driving as the dad contacted my dh. Plus I have my younger child still in bed and we are still breastfeeding so I've not done this round.

Ah I dont want to fall out over this so maybe I'll just let this slide. The irony is they used to take the mic out of us for having 2 cars etc and now it's because of the 2 cars that they an actually get the lifts!

'I feel bad that I'm feeling this way as they have helped us out a lot in the past.'

Do they have anyone else who can drive them home from hospital? If not then I think that in the spirit of friendship you should pick them up from hospital because it's overwhelming having a new baby and I wouldn't like to leave my friends stranded.

Once they are home you need to set firmer ground rules about giving lifts and tell them that because the price of fuel is so high and moneys tight you'll need petrol money. Make sure you do this well in advance of giving lifts then no-one is unaware of whats expected.

They both can't drive. She's never taken a test, he rides a motorcycle. Talks about getting a big 'man' car (those noisy expensive big engine type things) but has never done it.

They did say that they'd get to hospital by public transport and apparently had got the money set aside.

The hospital is 30 min away. They could take a train and then a short taxi ride there.

Dust - yes they have helped us in the past. But we have too. Many times. So it's not like it's a one-sided thing.

Has your DH been asked to take the car seat up to the hospital because they want to borrow it for a taxi journey home?

I just don't feel this friendship is a two way street - well actually that is stating the screamingly bleeding obvious!

They don't cook for you or invite you round yet they come to you for dinner regularly, they take the piss out of your two cars then exploit this and expect lifts - and not just 5 min lifts to Sainsbury's...30 mile, middle of the night lifts where you are guilt tripped into thinking you are bad people if you decline because they are having a baby.

How exactly have they helped you in the past? Details please!