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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends and my 'taxi' service

128 replies

drcrab · 01/01/2012 09:32

One of my rare posts in Aibu. Wondered if you can advise: good friends of ours went into labour and rang to ask if we could get them to hospital. This was nye and we were on our way to a party at other friend's place with our 2 toddlers. So dh brought them to hospital which is at least 30 min away. I went to party with kids. Dh joined us later.

Dh went back to sort out their dog at about 10pm. Then at 2am on new years day he went back to hospital to pick the husband up. (they'd the baby by then).

This morning another request to get to hospital with the car seat but wife not discharged yet. Then a presumption that we'll get them home too.

I'm not adverse to being nice and etc but it's the amount of time and petrol that's irking me about it all. And there's been no offer of petrol payment of anything like that.

We recently moved and clearly they don't drive. So we drove them up here 2x (and back) to have dinner etc.

I feel bad for being so unreasonable about this but I'm upset because there was no offer to pay petrol (and we are by no means flush!) and this will be the 3rd trip to hospital. I'm just thinking that this will become the taxi service everytime we want to meet/see them. It takes 2 buses to come to ours and they have perhaps hosted us 2x in the 8 years we've known them so if we want to have meals at home (either) we will have to go pick them up and bring them here. And then back.

I feel bad that I'm feeling this way as they have helped us out a lot in the past. But I just wish there's some offer of petrol money or something of that sort. Having said that dh is now off to pick the husband up to go to hospital. He thinks I'm being uncharitable. :( go on tell me I'm being unreasonable.

OP posts:
Original poster
drcrab · 01/01/2012 11:26

Well my husband is back now and is upset with me for being uncharitable. He thinks that it's ok for us to have driven them 3x to hospital and back, he says that it was no inconvenience to us so why am I so pissed off.

I've tried to tell him that it's the cost and he thinks I'm being tight. Of course since he's been made redundant in august I've been paying for the house and other expenses. He doesn't pay any of the bills so he doesn't see the visa bills that go into the thousands of which I pay all of it (only because I have savings). He has contributed v little since then as he's been getting his business running etc. But I've not begrudged him this. I mentioned that we have big bills coming and he says 'oh...' And yet he's v happy to spend these 3 hrs on the road on petrol that I'm paying for.

I was (and still intending) to make some food to bring over when they return home... Plus a present.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 01/01/2012 11:29

Really when they are both home from the hospital you need to be firm, assertive and to say no. They should really learn to drive and not rely on others. The friendship sounds very one way, you give, they take.

pigletmania · 01/01/2012 11:30

Obviously your dh is going to say that if he has no idea of the cost of running a car and the petrol. Tell him that once the tank is empty he has to pay to fill it up, that will give him a wake up call.

Original poster
drcrab · 01/01/2012 11:31

Piglet - he has already filled up. Last night. From our joint account.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 01/01/2012 11:32

As you are paying for the car and petrol, you have every right to say no, your dh does not really have a say imo, unless he is contributing towards it.

pigletmania · 01/01/2012 11:33

Its both your account, but is it his money too in it, or just yours.

ChaoticAngel · 01/01/2012 11:36

I think, from your last post, you need to sit your DH down and show him those bills. Tell him you don't mind supporting him while he gets his business up and running but you're not made of endless amounts of money.

YANBU btw. To help out in an emergency is one thing but it sounds more than that. I don't drive, can't afford to learn or buy/run a car atm, but I don't expect people to run me around either.

Original poster
drcrab · 01/01/2012 11:36

He'll never understand this tbh. Sad he's v generous (good thing). But to a fault. So eg when friend needs to go to B&Q to get paint or anything big my dh will literally 'jump' and say ok be with you in 10 minutes.

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 01/01/2012 11:38

This is not to do with your friends - you need to direct your feeling towards your dh. Even if they DID offer petrol money it sounds like your dh would refuse it.

Original poster
drcrab · 01/01/2012 11:39

It was both our money till the redundancy. But to be honest it's more my money because I tend to top up the account when it's low or in deficit. So eg if we both pay in £1000 and this months bill is £2400, then I'll usually pay out the £400. This on top of me paying for childcare through salary sacrifice.

OP posts:
FanjoForTheReindeerJumper · 01/01/2012 11:40

seriously, how much does it cost for petrol to go to B and Q to get paint? About £1?

Much tightness on this thread IMO. :(

pigletmania · 01/01/2012 11:42

Well then drcrab you need to sit him down and like somebody said, show him the bills, he cannot continue being generous with your money. You need to be firm with him. I don't drive but would never expect anybody to drive me around unless it was an absolute emergency, but then I have dh who drives. If I did not i woudl get a taxi or if I needed a hospital and ambulance if it was that much of an emergency.

Original poster
drcrab · 01/01/2012 11:45

Yes but if you have no need to go to b&q? I dont see the point?! If I need to go to sainsburys and I didn't drive I'd either pay for delivery or take the bus there and then a taxi back!!! If I was going to sainsbury's and then asked if they wanted to go to sainsbury's too and they said yes, I'd pick them up and bring them home with their shopping. And not ask them for petrol.

OP posts:
Dustinthewind · 01/01/2012 11:45

I hope all those incomeless women out there being supported by their partners are reading your wise words pigletmania and Drcrab. Especially those that claim that because they are partners, then it's really our money.

Dustinthewind · 01/01/2012 11:48

I don't think anyone should be asking anyone else for lifts unless it is an emergency. But I also think that you should be honest and open about your objections, and that you need to work out how much control you are entitled to over your partner's more generous nature.
Or you could split your finances and give him an allowance until he's equal to you again.

usualsuspect · 01/01/2012 11:48

I agree with fanjo , real friends help each other out without moaning

Original poster
drcrab · 01/01/2012 11:55

Dust - I'm sorry but I am generous with my time and money with friends and family. You don't know me so you may comment here but I don't have to take your comments.

I never said that my money wasn't his money. He has always earned less than me and I've never begrudged him that. Not that matters to you but I've paid for the downpayments of our house, kept up with my share during both maternity leave etc. The issue here is that we have now dropped to one income and with 2 kids I now have to watch the money much more than I used to. And all piglet was saying was since I'm paying for everything now and because we have to watch the money, then maybe I should speak to him about our ourgoings. And 3 hours car journey is about half a tank or so? That's quite a significant amount given that we are now scrimping (downgrading our food shopping etc - something many families are doing, not just us I know).

OP posts:
Original poster
drcrab · 01/01/2012 11:58

Dust - I pay for everything. He has his own bank account from which he rarely uses any money unless it really is for him.

OP posts:
Dustinthewind · 01/01/2012 11:58

OK drc, then YANBU and they are freeloading, scrounging and thoughtless parasites.
Happy New Year.

valiumredhead · 01/01/2012 11:59

It is not YOUR money OP, you are married/in a partnership with your dh, it is YOUR money. I do not understand this attitude of mine/yours - seems totally alien to me.

You need to work this out TOGETHER without bringing 'yours and mine' into it imo.

echt · 01/01/2012 12:01

I've hesitated for several posts to say what sanctimonious shite has been uttered by dust. Really. Have a lie down, pet.

Original poster
drcrab · 01/01/2012 12:02

Usual suspect - I have never not helped them out. I just felt this might be the start of a taxi service. And I will be helping another lot of friends today (willingly). I've not counted how many times I've been helped or have helped. I just think 60 mile round trips are rather long and costly. That's all.

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 01/01/2012 12:02

Sorry x posted with your post about HIS bank account. I give up - my advice has run dry Grin Hope you manage to work something out.

FanjoForTheReindeerJumper · 01/01/2012 12:03

Hmm another AIBU where you only want to be told YANBU

echt · 01/01/2012 12:04

Back to the OP. You have to speak to DH, with the bills at hand and spell it out. If the numbers show a problem, then reining in is needed. They should speak for themselves.

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