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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends and my 'taxi' service

128 replies

drcrab · 01/01/2012 09:32

One of my rare posts in Aibu. Wondered if you can advise: good friends of ours went into labour and rang to ask if we could get them to hospital. This was nye and we were on our way to a party at other friend's place with our 2 toddlers. So dh brought them to hospital which is at least 30 min away. I went to party with kids. Dh joined us later.

Dh went back to sort out their dog at about 10pm. Then at 2am on new years day he went back to hospital to pick the husband up. (they'd the baby by then).

This morning another request to get to hospital with the car seat but wife not discharged yet. Then a presumption that we'll get them home too.

I'm not adverse to being nice and etc but it's the amount of time and petrol that's irking me about it all. And there's been no offer of petrol payment of anything like that.

We recently moved and clearly they don't drive. So we drove them up here 2x (and back) to have dinner etc.

I feel bad for being so unreasonable about this but I'm upset because there was no offer to pay petrol (and we are by no means flush!) and this will be the 3rd trip to hospital. I'm just thinking that this will become the taxi service everytime we want to meet/see them. It takes 2 buses to come to ours and they have perhaps hosted us 2x in the 8 years we've known them so if we want to have meals at home (either) we will have to go pick them up and bring them here. And then back.

I feel bad that I'm feeling this way as they have helped us out a lot in the past. But I just wish there's some offer of petrol money or something of that sort. Having said that dh is now off to pick the husband up to go to hospital. He thinks I'm being uncharitable. :( go on tell me I'm being unreasonable.

OP posts:
HattiFattner · 01/01/2012 10:17

DH can take him up with the car seat, but then say sorry I cant pick you up as have plans.

Ditto when its time to fetch them home.

Just refusing twice will be message enough.

Dustinthewind · 01/01/2012 10:17

We didn't have a car until my youngest was one, and we managed fine.
But the idea of it being reasonable to take a train and a taxi ride in labour is very odd, most taxis won't accept you if they can see you're in labour.

It's why I don't do road rage, or find it inconvenient to help a friend or a teenage friend of my children by using my car.
I remember what it felt like to be the one plodding along the road with 30lb of groceries in the rain. Or trying to get back from somewhere at 11pm at night.
I'm holding off helping or paying for my children learning to drive, I think using public transport is a useful life skill and possibly will make them more appreciative when they do get a car. If they ever do.

Dustinthewind · 01/01/2012 10:19

I'd rethink the friendship THB. at least from your POV.
Friends help each other out.

Original poster
drcrab · 01/01/2012 10:24

Dust - that comment about how to get to hospital was a reply to someone who asked whether it was easy to get to hospital. Of course I wasn't thinking of asking to to get to hospital via the train whilst in labour!! Angry

As for taking the taxi whilst in labour other friends of ours did that in the middle of the night and the taxi did take them - and yes it was the same hospital 30 min away.

OP posts:
Proudnscary · 01/01/2012 10:28

How have they helped you?

Dustinthewind · 01/01/2012 10:30

My mistake, I thought you were pointing out that it was perfectly possible for them to manage without any help.
Don't they have any other friends or relatives who could help them in the early stages of becoming parents?
Why does your DH think you are uncharitable? Why is he comfortable helping them out and you are not?

weevilswobble · 01/01/2012 10:31

I guess its just wonderful that they safely delivered their baby. You would feel awful if something had happened coz they didnt make it to the hospital. Doesnt it make you feel warm and fuzzy to be so generous? Can you really not afford the petrol? How much is their time worth if say she was to mind your kids for a day say if teachers were on strike or something like that?
A friend in need is a friend indeed.

iFailedTheTuringTest · 01/01/2012 10:33

I think I'd just be straight with them: Sorry, fuel is bloody expensive mate. If you want a lift, I need a contribution from now on.

It is very likley they have no idea of the cost if they don't drive. I was shocked when I got my first car tbh. Before I had a car, I had some mates who were up front about asking for petrol money, the first time I got a lift with them, they asked straightaway for a contribution. I was a bit startled and thought they were being a bit tight. Now I realise how wise they were its expensive to run a car, and you may as well be honest from the very start or there may well be a fall out.

BlueFergie · 01/01/2012 10:33

Well tbh it would not even occur to me to not help out in this situation. The birth of a child is so of exceptional and I would want to do anything I could to help good friends. On all my pregnancies I had several friends offer to help with lifts/minding older kids etc even in the middle of night as DH doesn't drive. My dad did the driving in the end but I know there were several others who would have been happy to. Isnt that what friends are for? Obviously there is the dinner thing too but did you offer lifts on these occasions or were they assumed?

Dustinthewind · 01/01/2012 10:34

Or as Lord Samuel said, 'A friend in need is a friend to be avoided'

Hulababy · 01/01/2012 10:36

I'd probably let the hospital/baby lifts go tbh.

Re them always coming to yours - next time it is suggested why not reply with something along the lines of "why don't we come to yours, saves having to do all the driving to and fro collectiong...) type thing.

Or suggest a taxi for the return journey home, so you can all enjoy a drink fpr example.

Original poster
drcrab · 01/01/2012 10:37

Proud- how they've helped us. Whilst I was in labour with no 2 they came over to sleep at ours whilst we went to hospital. During that same time I think it was a Sunday, so they took him for half a day (do played, had a sandwich etc). Dad was one of the ushers at our wedding (but we reciprocated at theirs).

She had some money off vouchers to spend at a mall an hour away so I took her (and paid for petrol and lunch). I had the benefit of 1 voucher?

They have babysat for my older child maybe a max of 8-12 times over the last 3+ years but we've always 'paid back' with meals or bottles of wine etc. And obviously now with their lo we'd be happy to babysit back when the child is old enough.

So I think it's pretty even-ish. I just don't want to be taken advantaged of that's all.

OP posts:
SantasENormaSnob · 01/01/2012 10:38

Yanbu

I'm all for friends helping each other out but they sound like they are taking the piss IMO.

tallulah · 01/01/2012 10:41

Dust "But the idea of it being reasonable to take a train and a taxi ride in labour is very odd, most taxis won't accept you if they can see you're in labour"

So 'you' choose not to drive, but expect other people to drop everything for 'you' because they haven't made the same choice Hmm I suppose it's a good plan- let someone else have all the expense of a car and then just get the convenience of it without the expense.

skrumle · 01/01/2012 10:44

taking them to the hospital in labour, and even picking them up today when they are bringing the baby home - reasonable requests (even on NYE).

sorting the dogs - not reasonable when you have a NYE party to be at.

two trips just for the dad coming home and going back - not reasonable at any time IMO when there is not any kind of normal reciprocity...

Original poster
drcrab · 01/01/2012 10:46

Blue - yes we had a rota of friends to help out too when I went into labour with dc2. They don't have that as far as I know. There's no way I could just rely on one person to get me to hospital!! Or to pick my older one up!

His parents who drive offered to come and stay and visit for Christmas (and possibly be the chauffeur then!) but they didn't want that and in fact freaked out that the parents even dared to suggest that!! Hmm

OP posts:
RandomMess · 01/01/2012 10:50

When dh comes back go out for the day so you are not available for the trip home unless the dw is already discharged.

Surely they have enough money set aside for the taxi home seeing as though you've done the rest of the running around. Don't understand why they didn't take the car seat with them in the first place!

Proudnscary · 01/01/2012 10:53

Drcrab - I'm pleased to hear they have also helped you out. Yes it seems even-ish (ish). But you have really^ pushed the boat out for them this week and as you say you must make sure they don't take the piss going forward. Petrol is very expensive! I agree you can't really bring it up this time (petrol money) but you can from now on. It's tricky, I appreciate that.

FanjoForTheReindeerJumper · 01/01/2012 10:55

if they have helped you out in the past I wouldn't think twice about it now, I wouldn't dream of asking my friends for petrol money, it's sort of an exceptional situation isn't it, it's not like they will have a baby every week and take the piss.

Original poster
drcrab · 01/01/2012 10:56

Oh and we actually do have plans today. Friends of ours have a dead boiler. So they are coming round for baths (2 kids too) and dinner!! Grin

And tomorrow another lot of friends are visiting. And Tuesday work friends of dh are coming over.

OP posts:
FanjoForTheReindeerJumper · 01/01/2012 10:56

and please don't get DH to fill up car and make awful obvious hints about petrol money, am cringing at the thought, if you really need the cash then just ask them.

RudolphTheYellowNosedDinosaur · 01/01/2012 11:11

I'd let the baby stuff yesterday go. I wouldn't put yourselves out today to collect though given that you already have plans.

What planet are you on that you invite them to yours AND collect them and take them back? If I was invited to a friends for dinner it would never cross my mind to expect them to be my chauffeur too!! And if I invited a friend who didn't drive to mine I'd expect them to sort out their own transport (taxi / bus etc). What next - expect friends to arrange your babysitting for them so they can come round to you?

Very very happy to help out in emergencies (like childbirth) but as for the rest - nope. Especially when there isn't really any reciprocity here. I'd also help friends out generally but when it became one sided I'd definately be less available.

Your choice though

valiumredhead · 01/01/2012 11:25

Offer to go to them next time. Say in advance you won't be able to do lifts as yo plan on drinking. Just don't offer.

Let the hospital trips go - I am sure they are VERY grateful for the help.

valiumredhead · 01/01/2012 11:26

And what Fanjo said about hinting about petrol money - eeek cringing at the very thought! Just say you can't afford it but no hinting/PA nonsense.

FanjoForTheReindeerJumper · 01/01/2012 11:26

i am not just meaning OP here..but it always amazes me on MN how grudging and critical people can be of their FRIENDS...