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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends and my 'taxi' service

128 replies

drcrab · 01/01/2012 09:32

One of my rare posts in Aibu. Wondered if you can advise: good friends of ours went into labour and rang to ask if we could get them to hospital. This was nye and we were on our way to a party at other friend's place with our 2 toddlers. So dh brought them to hospital which is at least 30 min away. I went to party with kids. Dh joined us later.

Dh went back to sort out their dog at about 10pm. Then at 2am on new years day he went back to hospital to pick the husband up. (they'd the baby by then).

This morning another request to get to hospital with the car seat but wife not discharged yet. Then a presumption that we'll get them home too.

I'm not adverse to being nice and etc but it's the amount of time and petrol that's irking me about it all. And there's been no offer of petrol payment of anything like that.

We recently moved and clearly they don't drive. So we drove them up here 2x (and back) to have dinner etc.

I feel bad for being so unreasonable about this but I'm upset because there was no offer to pay petrol (and we are by no means flush!) and this will be the 3rd trip to hospital. I'm just thinking that this will become the taxi service everytime we want to meet/see them. It takes 2 buses to come to ours and they have perhaps hosted us 2x in the 8 years we've known them so if we want to have meals at home (either) we will have to go pick them up and bring them here. And then back.

I feel bad that I'm feeling this way as they have helped us out a lot in the past. But I just wish there's some offer of petrol money or something of that sort. Having said that dh is now off to pick the husband up to go to hospital. He thinks I'm being uncharitable. :( go on tell me I'm being unreasonable.

OP posts:
VeryStressedMum · 01/01/2012 12:46

Obviously not ALL people who do not drive think like my SIL and niece!!!! But I remember before I could drive I thought I would give anyone a lift and it wouldn't be any problem until I learnt to drive and realised it's still all a bloody hassle and I can't be bothered to go anywhere Grin

Inertia · 01/01/2012 12:47

I would let the hospital trips go - you have helped friends in need, and their headspace will be completely filled with the new baby. Do let them know in advance though that you won't be available for lifts at the times you are busy, rather than letting them think they have an arrangement with your husband.

Your issue is with your husband -being generous is great, but it's impacting on your own family time and finances, which doesn't work. You need to work on the finances together so that he does develop an understanding of how tight things are. Perhaps you could explain that household finances are tight so his business account will need to fund petrol for his car ?

VeryStressedMum · 01/01/2012 12:48

Yes, though it's actually my dh's sister's daughter so technically his niece. Sometimes she calls me and catches me off guard and I say yes because I don't know what else to say, but sometimes I see her name on the phone and I do not pick up... Grin

clam · 01/01/2012 12:51

His niece or yours is beside the point (although arguably it's "worse" if it's not even your own sister's child). I cannot believe her cheek but then if you've done it before with no question, and for her mum, then I can see why she thinks you're a soft touch.
I'd keep with ducking her calls, myself.

suburbophobe · 01/01/2012 12:54

Easier and quicker than ducking her calls is just to say "Sorry, I can´t".

pigletmania · 01/01/2012 12:56

Yes I would happily help a friend in an emergency, but they have expected op and her dh to drive them places before this, and if op does not put her foot down it will carry on. One of them should learn to drive, they are so comfortable as they are with op and her dh running them about in the car that they don't see a need to, once that stops than they will have to think again.

pigletmania · 01/01/2012 12:57

The hospital thing fair enough, she will be home soon anyway, but you have to be firm for the future, not only with the friends but your dh, who is generous which is great, but not with your money as he is not in work.

Original poster
drcrab · 01/01/2012 13:07

Piglet - yes I agree. I wonder too what will happen from now as we've moved across town so are about 15 min away. So whilst they used to pop in every so often they can't now and what more with new child. Will we slowly drift away? Will they start offering to cook or host us so we can drive to theirs instead of having to go pick them up, cook and feed them and then send them home?

Ah. I'm probably overthinking this. Husband on the other hand is still angry with me being unnice. I have pointed out the money issues and he is still upset with me. He knows about this month's expenditure and he still says 'you haven't been inconvenienced'. Of course later when other friends turn up for bath and shower and dinner I'll be the one with the fresh new towels, nicely cooked dinner all sorted.

I am starting to see that this is more an issue with the H rather than the friends!! Agh Grin

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 01/01/2012 13:09

I dont drive, so when pg I used a taxi to go hospital/come home ex used a bus to come home from hospital etc.

I hate accepting favours from friends unless I can reciprocate & or there is no safe alternative.

I do all my shopping online.

If I for whatever reason do not have a car, I really do not expect my friends who do drive to be at my beck & call, other people have lives & their own budgets to live to.

I thought my attitude was normal, according to this thread apparently not!

I'm astounded at the sense of entitlement some people have.

VeryStressedMum · 01/01/2012 13:12

I totally agree with saying no sorry I can't, although in reality it's not always as easy! But on the last occasion when she said are you sure you don't mind I did say 'well, I'm not going to lie and say it's not a bit inconvenient because I have to bring all the kids with me, but I'll do it'.

Actually, on Boxing Day they (niece and SIL) were angling for a lift for niece to and from work because they kept saying she doesn't have a lift because taxi's are double fare (err, not really my problem that you don't want to pay double for a taxi even though you are earning double time in your job for that day!!), I just went oh right really, that's scandalous the amount they charge etc. and changed the subject Grin.

I do agree that you shouldn't do the running after they are out of hospital - even when she is in hospital you shouldn't have to lift and lay for them. They are grown adults and should sort out their own lives. If he wants to go to the hospital and see his wife and new baby then off he goes on his own and sorts it out - like we all have to.

You have 2 children of your own to be sorting out and looking after not to mention actually doing what you want to do in your day.

I couldn't afford to be someone's taxi (hmm, though looking back maybe I am but I can't afford to be!), and I'm going to try to be much more assertive.

Birdsgottafly · 01/01/2012 13:27

As well as being astounded about the sense of entitlemet that some people have. I am also wondering why you think that you need a car to be able to go on a journey that is further than 15 minutes away even with a baby.

Unless you live somewhere very rural (which involves an uphill trek) you can get buses quite easily to get out and about (barring disability etc).

suburbophobe · 01/01/2012 13:40

I don´t have a car either and therefore I can AFFORD a taxi sometimes. Still costs a lot less than running a car......

TandB · 01/01/2012 14:52

I think you need to separate the issue about the hospital/baby scenario from your general irritation at your DH and his generosity.

There is nothing wrong with making it clear that you aren't in a financial position to keep acting as a taxi service for everyone. But I think it would be very damaging for your friendship to make an issue about petrol money for the baby's birth.

I did a 4 hour round trip in the early hours of the morning to collect my friends toddler when she was in labour. It never even crossed my mind that she should pay petrol money - she would do the same for me in an instant. It is one of those exceptional situations where friendship should really trump all other considerations.

LittleMissFlustered · 01/01/2012 16:06

I'm overdue with child three. There's fifty quid in an envelope on my pin board for taxi fares, as I do not drive. I have a pool of friends who have offered to come pick up the kids when I need to go to hospital, but they have all offered this. I'd never dream of expecting lifts, and am damn grateful for the help I have already been offered and have budgetted for gifts and petrol for who ever ends up hosting my kids while I deliver. Is this not the norm?

coppertop · 01/01/2012 16:34

So they've looked after your child(ren) up to 12 times in 3 years, including overnight while you were in labour, when they had no children of their own? They don't sound particularly selfish to me at all.

Did you offer to drive them to yours for dinner or did they ask? If you offered then I don't think you can really complain if they take you up on it. If they asked and it annoyed you then why on earth did you give a second invitation?

DeWe · 01/01/2012 16:40

I went into hospital to have #1 on the bus because we didn't have a car. Bus driver was a bit Shock but he didn't half drive carefully. Grin

My IL were around when I came out otherwise I'd have come back on the bus too.

cookcleanerchaufferetc · 01/01/2012 19:04

OP - why are friends bathing at your house?!

Original poster
drcrab · 01/01/2012 20:19

Cook - because their boiler broke down!

OP posts:
hwjm1945 · 01/01/2012 20:25

when i did not run a car i genuinely did not realise how much petrol was, or how much was needed for relativle yhsort journies, so with hindsight was prob rippping off driving friends a bit. so they know about the costs?

Xmasbaby11 · 01/01/2012 20:25

I wouldn't ask them for petrol money as it's a one off and they are probably not thinking straight. It's a favour for a friend - as a one-off at this special time.

However, cut it right back in future. When you make plans, don't engage in how to get there - it is their decision to live without a car, and they should expect to pay for the odd taxi etc to get out and about. I have friends aithout cars and they are completely comfortable with public transport and taxis; they are independent. They just sound a bit lazy to be honest. I suspect they will invite you over more now they have a baby, as it will be easier for them.

RomanChristingle · 01/01/2012 20:35

I think as they are good friends I would have taken them to the hospital as it would be a nightmare to get a cab on New Years Eve.
I think they are taking the piss in that they expected you to do any more ferrying round than that though - especially free of charge. Your dh would still be doing them a favour even if they paid for the petrol. And it would be a lot cheaper for them than bank holiday cab fares.

RomanChristingle · 01/01/2012 20:50

And this isn't about giving 'a' lift. The dh has had to go to the friends house, drive them 30 mins to hospital, drive back to the party he was heading to, drive to the friends house to sort out the dog, then back to the party, then home, then back to the hospital with the car seat, back to theirs then back home again. That's 9 journeys and lord knows how much time/petrol in around 12 hours. It's a massive amount of inconvenience even for a very close friend.

Original poster
drcrab · 01/01/2012 20:58

Well thank you all for your thoughts. Mum and baby are home now. They got a taxi home after the h said he could do 2 trips today. And they have thanked us via text message.

OP posts:
Original poster
drcrab · 01/01/2012 20:59

Couldn't do 2 trips.

OP posts:
iscream · 02/01/2012 04:43

For non emergencies/non important drive requests"Sorry, a bit low on gas this week, can't do it"

They can offer to give gas money, or say ok, thanks anyways.