Friends and my 'taxi' service

[drcrab]

One of my rare posts in Aibu. Wondered if you can advise: good friends of ours went into labour and rang to ask if we could get them to hospital. This was nye and we were on our way to a party at other friend's place with our 2 toddlers. So dh brought them to hospital which is at least 30 min away. I went to party with kids. Dh joined us later.

Dh went back to sort out their dog at about 10pm. Then at 2am on new years day he went back to hospital to pick the husband up. (they'd the baby by then).

This morning another request to get to hospital with the car seat but wife not discharged yet. Then a presumption that we'll get them home too.

I'm not adverse to being nice and etc but it's the amount of time and petrol that's irking me about it all. And there's been no offer of petrol payment of anything like that.

We recently moved and clearly they don't drive. So we drove them up here 2x (and back) to have dinner etc.

I feel bad for being so unreasonable about this but I'm upset because there was no offer to pay petrol (and we are by no means flush!) and this will be the 3rd trip to hospital. I'm just thinking that this will become the taxi service everytime we want to meet/see them. It takes 2 buses to come to ours and they have perhaps hosted us 2x in the 8 years we've known them so if we want to have meals at home (either) we will have to go pick them up and bring them here. And then back.

I feel bad that I'm feeling this way as they have helped us out a lot in the past. But I just wish there's some offer of petrol money or something of that sort. Having said that dh is now off to pick the husband up to go to hospital. He thinks I'm being uncharitable. :( go on tell me I'm being unreasonable.

'I've hesitated for several posts to say what sanctimonious shite has been uttered by dust. '

Just wait until the shit hits the fan in your own life, you'll be hoping that one of your friends out there is me.

I don't get how people with no means of transport don't consider ASAP how they will get to hospital when baby comes? The mind boggles how some people are so reluctant to take responsibility for their lives?

They should all go for a home birth.

My mind boggles at how unfriendly people on MN are towards their friends

I would never begrudge helping out a mate and tbh would ask for petrol money if I was skint

dustinthewind, I don't think so. :o

I'm only saying the taxi service is quite significant as the hospital is so far away. Our nearest hospital is 5-10 min away but due to cuts it's no longer letting women birth there. Shall we turn this into an nhs rant then?

Tonights friends who are coming for bath and dinner - It won't even be an issue re water or electricity!! it's just that petrol costs are so high now that I'm really nervous about money. And again if it was a nip down the road 5-10 min thing with babies etc I would not even think twice.

My dh drives some local old people to parties a couple of times a year. Thats not a problem either.

One reason why we didn't go visit family 6 hours away is due to petrol costs.

How the hell has what the OP done so far been 'unfriendly' ? There is s fine line between helping a friend and a friend refusing to help themselves in any way shape or form

Oh well ,maybe we have a different definition of what a friend is then

OP I think you need to be blunt with your friends - explain that as you are now on one income, you cannot be their taxi service. ANd explain to your DH too - maybe he needs to be more aware of outgoings and in comings and you need to work out a budget - ridiculous situation that you are dipping into savings to support your friends who have already budgetted for transport costs! As lovely and generous as you are, there is a limit to what you can do - if they lived around the corner, fair do. but 30 miles away is too much to expect you to be their taxi service.

We have other friends who don't drive and went into labour. They took a taxi in the middle of the night. Husband came home on the train after the birth. I went to pick her and baby up when they were discharged. Husband stayed in town to sort out older child.

The thing that stuck me is you said in your first post they had helped you out a lot in the past. We have had help from family and friends in the past as well and remember this when helping them back. Perhaps they feel you really wouldnt mind considering they have done stuff for you.

3 x 60 mile round trips would cost a fortune in my car.

If dh had been made redundant this would not be an option tbh.

Rainbow - yes they have helped but so have we. And I'd be happy to help back this time but to bring dad to and fro hospital was too much I felt. Happy to take them there and back with baby on discharge.

OP, I totally understand where you're coming from, but your problem seems to be compounded by your DH's willingness to help other people at your expense.

First of all, I suggest you and your DH need to agree on what is considered appropriate help.

FWIW, I find it difficult to understand how any parents to be, whose baby is due around this time, had not considered the possibility throughout the whole pregnancy of how they would do the hospital run if the mother to be happened to go into labour on NYE??

Don't they have anyone else they can rely on apart from you?

IME, I have friends who have used me like a taxi, not specifically for emergencies, but just to go where they want to go, and they are not in a position to offer petrol money, so I just suck it up tbh. It can sour a friendship though when a friend is consistently not bringing anything to the friendship, yet is always asking for one favour or another.

There is no denying that there are some people who will always attempt to sort their own transport arrangements out, and if they fail, then that's bad luck and I will happily help them. OTOH, there are always people who feel entitled to help since you have transport and they don't wah wah wah, and they don't look for alternatives, but just ask you, because of course, why wouldn't you want to help out your friends with every transport need they have?? (And there are some people who think this way whether you want to believe that or not!!)

Sounds like the issue here is more about you and your DH's attitude to money.
The hospital runs are in exceptional circumstances.

Dust, with both my labours I called a taxi and told them I was in labour and they were more than happy to take us to the hospital

Dr Crab YANBU at all, as said, we've relied on public transport with the hospital being 20 minutes away and made sure we were prepared and took the car seat and everything we would potentially need, with us.

They should count themselves very lucky to have friends like you but should definitely start paying their way!

I think you sound like lovely friends, but you're right to be wondering if they're beginning to take advantage. On its own, the baby run wouldn't/shouldn't be an issue. Although, I'm not quite sure why your DH "had" to do the middle trip with the carseat. Why could they not either have taken it with them the first time, or your DH taken it when he went to pick them up, waiting until she was ready to be discharged.

And it's not unreasonable to ask what their plan was if you'd been unavailable. It wasn't unexpected, after all, that they'd need to get to hospital around this time.

Oh, and knock the dinner taxi service on the head for a start.

Yes fanjo you do help out friends in an emergency, but not to the point where they are taking the piss and using you as their personal transport, so much so they are not learning to drive. I don't drive (failed lots of tests) but would never use friends as my personal taxi service, I either walk, bus or cycle or dh drives. I am a STAHM and supported by dh, because that is what works for us, and the childcare costs are a hell of a lot unless you are a high earner, but I would never take advantage of dh money.

I´m also amazed that they have had no thoughts or plan in place for transport to the hospital.

Maybe, as you invite them for dinner as well as collect and bring them home (which I think is crazy...), they knew you would drop everything to accomodate them?

Good friends help their friends out. However, good friends do not take the piss and expect to be driven around by friends just because their friends drive and they don't. I get the impression that the OP's concern is that this couple will start to expect lifts off of them regardless of whether it is convenient/cost of petrol etc.

What would the OP's friends have done, I wonder, if the woman had gone into labour 2/3 hours later and the OP and her DH had had enough drinks to be over the limit. Would they have expected either the OP or her DH to still drive them to the hospital and risk losing their licence/having an accident.

Clam - well dh got text today saying the dad was going up to see wife so he wanted to take car seat up. So dh said ok I'll take you up there. I guess.

Tbh if I hadn't pointed out that we had plans etc he would have said ok I'll take dad up and wait to bring everyone back (therefore leaving me with the 2 kids... On nyd). it really wouldn't occur to him that he's upsetting me/our family by helping friends out.

He's in a mood now. Happy new year.

I think people who do not drive don't see the problem with getting lifts - they think everything is easy when you have a car.
My SIL doesn't drive and when she comes over (and she wants to come over a lot which is nice as I get on well with her), but I sometimes put her off as the thought of getting up after I've run around all day, cooked dinner (for her as well) put the kids to bed etc, and getting in the car and driving her home is too much cos I'm so tired.

I know she thinks if she had a car she would give anyone lifts no problem - it's not that you don't want to give lifts, it's the time and the getting up out the door etc.
My niece (her daughter) is the same she calls me to pick her up from work as she doesn't want to pay for a taxi (!), but it takes minimum 40 minutes out of my day not to mention the sky high petrol prices!!

She doesn't see the problem either but sometimes I feel like saying to her to find another job that is closer if it's too expensive to get there and back (it's in the middle of no where with no public transport really, or so she says).

But we do these things sometimes because of friendship or family and I also know that if I needed them they would do what they could for me.

You need to weigh up the value of your friendship against the cost of petrol and your inconvenience. Maybe this time is exceptional circumstances and let it go for now, howeverI wouldn't carry on being a taxi service especially if you have things planned.

Sometimes in life we all have to just sort ourselves and our own lives out.

I would move heaven and earth for a friend in need - but they would have to a close friend. I wouldn't dream of not taking the car seat or not bringing them home.

If money is really tight and you are dipping into savings to support them - then you need to be honest with them. Tell the hubby and not the wife though as she shouldn't be thinking about that sort of thing right now with a new baby. Tell them you want to help and are happy to give lots of your time but could they contribute petrol money? Explain you know its must be difficult for them not having transport but that you have been struggling money wise

I think you have to tell them you are busy and they have to make alternative arrangements, they cannot just assume you will help, it isn't fair.

What? Your niece calls you up to take her home from work? And you do it?!