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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think this situation's 'resolution' is completely unfair?

335 replies

LearnerInLife · 30/12/2011 22:50

My son who is 17 is gay. When people chat about their children in the office, I do so about my son and his younger sister. I've mentioned my son's boyfriend in conversation briefly. I've mentioned some bullying he got at school and how we dealt with it. I've mentioned how next year we're giving him permission to go to Pride because we think he's old enough now. I also talk about my daughter's activities and friends just as much. I talk about my son's school work, friends and activities too. Talking about my son within the context of him being gay has been no more than any other member of my office talking about their children's sexuality in the context of their boyfriends, girlfriends, dates etc. This chat does not go on all the time nor does it impede work. It will be while a few of us have our coffee break together etc.

One woman who has recently joined my office told me that she can't believe I'm so blase about my son 'being a homosexual and engaging in that type of behaviour'. She has also has told me that I'm an irresponsible parent for allowing him to go to Pride because 'goodness knows what he could get up to and surely you have to think of your daughter.' She has quoted scriptures at me and yesterday gave me a card that basically said that if he carried on in this course my son was going to hell and I would be to blame! Oh, and that she'd pray for me! Throughout all of this I have kept civil with her. I tried reasoning with her. I then said that we obviously would not agree but that I was as proud of my son as my daughter and would carry on being so. I made a point of trying not to be obnoxious and 'rub it in her face' to make a point but still not, when talking to the others, to change my behaviour or suddenly act as if I should be ashamed of him and talk differently. Every single member of the office has rolled their eyes at me when she has insisted on carrying on with her behaviour or has actually spoken to me in a "WHAT is her problem?" type of way.

Anyway, my boss approached me today. This woman had complained to him that I was 'inflicting my views upon her' and that she was being made to feel uncomfortable. My boss asked me to not mention my son in office conversation anymore. I asked him if he was going to make that rule for all or just me. His reaction was that I was being 'over-sensitive and should try to be more accommodating of others' beliefs.' He then had to rush off to a meeting so I didn't see him again today. We have the bank holiday and so I have until Tuesday to think of what I want to say as I feel I need to talk to him more and stress my firm objections to the way he is handling this. AIBU?

OP posts:
NewYearsRevolution · 05/01/2012 15:31

Pendeen - er, no, I wouldn't. I'm an employment lawyer by profession. I very rarely say anything is straightforward and, believe me, I have seen more complex discrimination cases than most. However, it is a totally straightforward piece of law that one person's beliefs and protected status do not allow them to discriminate against another person.

You keep calling it a 'spat' .Which it isn't. The OP has been told, in a situation of straightforward discrimination, not to talk about her son because he is gay. If you think that is a spat, I would strongly disagree.

MilesJuppisasexgod · 05/01/2012 16:03

New Year

I have been deregistered followng Facebook Like Gate but your post has brought me out of lurking (with a new name) because it has thrilled every single atom of me. Oh what a superb reply to the spectacularly off the point posts by Pendeen. That simple phrase I am an employment lawyer had me gasping so loud and ecstatically my neighbours thought Mr SexGod had come home early from work!

And Learner where are you? We are all rooting for you. And big ups to all the Christians who are dissociating themselves from your colleague's remarks

SarahBumBarer · 05/01/2012 16:06

I've been following this thread in the hope of an update (and I hope you come back soon OP and all has gone well) but Miles (with apologies for the hijack) what on earth have I missed - what was Facebook Like Gate????

KatieScarlett2833 · 05/01/2012 16:08

I think I love you NewYearsRevolution

For all the reasons Miles has posted above.

MilesJuppisasexgod · 05/01/2012 16:16

Hi Sarah...it was a mini furore that kicked off regarding the more rapid dissemination of posts made possible by the Facebook Like (now recommend) this thread button and the extra 'outing' opportunities entailed therein.

But some things are even bigger than internet security! And as I say I have changed my name and with this one I shall absolutely give nothing away (other than that I love Miles Jupp, obviously)

I add to the hijack apologies but at least it will bump the thread!

NewYearsRevolution · 05/01/2012 17:24

Miles - Oh goodness. I'm not sure I have ever thrilled every single atom of someone! Of course, what I do for a living isn't that relevant on a faceless internet forum, and any one of us could be a PhD in what we are discussing or a spotty 15 year old boy. However, I do feel really strongly about the misconceptions about discrimination law - particularly the idea that anyone's protection permits, or even protects, discrimination against others. Or that there is some form of discrimination top trumps, where religion comes out top. I sometimes do training for managers and that's one of my big messages to them - it doesn't!

MilesJuppisasexgod · 05/01/2012 17:52

You are too modest New Year but I have to confess it was not so much your actual occupation that impressed me (after all someone has to be an employment lawyerGrin) as the beautifully graceful slam dunking of the previous poster's throwaway put down! Though I guess it's possible that Pendeen will now announce that s/he is National Director of Employment Law Regulation and Implementation for the TUC which will up the stakes even higher!

NewYearsRevolution · 05/01/2012 17:59

Arf. Yes, I realise being a lawyer is something one shouldn't confess at parties isn't generally considered impressive. I was trying to pre-empt the point that, of course, I could be lying to try and win the debate. I'm sure it has been known on lesser forums. Grin

Pendeen · 05/01/2012 18:39

MilesJuppisasexgod

Pendeen is certainly not a 'big noise' at the TUC but a simple Architect and freely confesses she knows little of employment law other than it is often confusing and contradictary hence why she is never likely to take on staff.

She also accepts NewYearsRevolution's POV on the legalities.

NewYearsRevolution · 05/01/2012 18:50

Pendeen - it is indeed often confusing and contradictory. I can sympathise with it putting people off taking on staff, sadly. It's a shame - you are probably exactly the sort of professional the government would like to see turn into a small employer. The manager was probably looking for a solution to resolve the complaint, and didn't think it through. I can see how it would happen if the manager didn't actually stop to think how it would feel to be told you couldn't talk about a family member - whether because of their sex, race, religion or whatever.

NormaStanleyFletcher · 05/01/2012 18:51

But WHERE is the OP?

SantieMaggie · 05/01/2012 18:54

yes where is she?

PoultryInMotion · 05/01/2012 19:29

NewYearsRevolution - Reminiscent of SGM "I AM CANADIAN"

Grin
TheDailyWail · 05/01/2012 20:33

Can someone just namechange to a similar name to the OP, tell us that boss and the woman have been sacked (after being tarred and feathered) and they have made her son CEO and we can all go to bed happy. Grin

Jacksmania · 06/01/2012 06:05

Ok, I will - hi my name is LearnerInThisLife and I'm so happy to report that the boss fell all over himself apologizing, NastyCowBagChristianLady spontaneously combusted upon being told that she couldn't give me any more cards, stop me talking about my lovely DS and that she was even expressly forbidden to pray for me this last made the top of her head lift off in an impressive display of steam coming out the ears :o --- all is well, thank you to all you lovely wonderful MNers who have helped yet another person grow a beautiful pair of stainless steel balls.

Ummm... this is awkward, could someone help me lift my head out of my lap?

Jacksmania · 06/01/2012 06:06

Crap. Blush Spectacular name change fail.

TheDailyWail · 06/01/2012 06:10
Grin
Jacksmania · 06/01/2012 06:14

[fuck]Blush

TheBossofMe · 06/01/2012 08:51
SarahBumBarer · 06/01/2012 08:58

Thanks Miles

Maybe OP is massively busy at work but will come back this weekend to let us know how things went.

EdithWeston · 06/01/2012 09:00

Perhaps there will be no update?

CeliaFate · 06/01/2012 09:05

Please update us OP, I want to hear that boss and un-Christian woman have had a verbal arse kicking.

MilesJuppisasexgod · 06/01/2012 09:20

Please update us OP, I want to hear that boss and un-Christian woman have had a verbal arse kicking.

Me too Celia but the longer this goes on the more worried I am that this will somehow redound on Learner and her reasonable colleagues. Of course New Year is right ( of course !!Grin) but I am just a tad worried that HR might go down the route of non-one having the inalienable right to talk about personal matters at work and so all such chat is banned, which of course would be non-discriminatory but not hugely satisfactory.

Am I talking out of my sphincter here New Year ?

OldMumsy · 06/01/2012 09:37

She has probably been told by HR not to discuss this with anyone now, so we won't ever know [sigh]

EdithWeston · 06/01/2012 09:41

OldMumsy: if that is the case, then the thread will probably vanish.