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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this situation's 'resolution' is completely unfair?

335 replies

LearnerInLife · 30/12/2011 22:50

My son who is 17 is gay. When people chat about their children in the office, I do so about my son and his younger sister. I've mentioned my son's boyfriend in conversation briefly. I've mentioned some bullying he got at school and how we dealt with it. I've mentioned how next year we're giving him permission to go to Pride because we think he's old enough now. I also talk about my daughter's activities and friends just as much. I talk about my son's school work, friends and activities too. Talking about my son within the context of him being gay has been no more than any other member of my office talking about their children's sexuality in the context of their boyfriends, girlfriends, dates etc. This chat does not go on all the time nor does it impede work. It will be while a few of us have our coffee break together etc.

One woman who has recently joined my office told me that she can't believe I'm so blase about my son 'being a homosexual and engaging in that type of behaviour'. She has also has told me that I'm an irresponsible parent for allowing him to go to Pride because 'goodness knows what he could get up to and surely you have to think of your daughter.' She has quoted scriptures at me and yesterday gave me a card that basically said that if he carried on in this course my son was going to hell and I would be to blame! Oh, and that she'd pray for me! Throughout all of this I have kept civil with her. I tried reasoning with her. I then said that we obviously would not agree but that I was as proud of my son as my daughter and would carry on being so. I made a point of trying not to be obnoxious and 'rub it in her face' to make a point but still not, when talking to the others, to change my behaviour or suddenly act as if I should be ashamed of him and talk differently. Every single member of the office has rolled their eyes at me when she has insisted on carrying on with her behaviour or has actually spoken to me in a "WHAT is her problem?" type of way.

Anyway, my boss approached me today. This woman had complained to him that I was 'inflicting my views upon her' and that she was being made to feel uncomfortable. My boss asked me to not mention my son in office conversation anymore. I asked him if he was going to make that rule for all or just me. His reaction was that I was being 'over-sensitive and should try to be more accommodating of others' beliefs.' He then had to rush off to a meeting so I didn't see him again today. We have the bank holiday and so I have until Tuesday to think of what I want to say as I feel I need to talk to him more and stress my firm objections to the way he is handling this. AIBU?

OP posts:
shagmundfreud · 01/01/2012 02:05

Rerevisionist is a man.

I suspect he's either 17 and at a public school.

Or he's 68 and possibly has a troublesome prostate.

Grin

Rerevisionist - keep your mind away from young mens' bottoms. It has no right to be there.

perfectstorm · 01/01/2012 02:28

Rerevisionist, if you are genuinely saying that you have sought out peer reviewed research on whether gay men who bottom die younger than those who top, and you are yourself not one of those men, then you have a seriously weird fixation with the subject and should probably seek help. For the record: if such evidence exists, which I rather doubt, HIV transmission prior to an understanding of safe sexual practices, and decent treatments after infection, will have skewed the figures to a meaningless level unless that confounding factor is allowed for.

OP you sound a brilliant Mum, and your boss appals me more than the bigot in question. I sincerely hope his own less overt bigotry is challenged appropriately, and given the rates of suicide amongst young gay people, fed by the sheer stupidity of people such as Rerevisionist, I'm just glad your son had the luck to be born to a parent such as yourself. I'm so sorry you too are having to deal with ignorance on this abhorrent scale.

conmat · 01/01/2012 03:08

Just wanted to add my support LearnerinLife. One of my sons is gay and God help anyone who dared to speak to me the way your work colleague has spoken to you. You have been treated appalingly.

Pride is brilliant by the way. No trouble there at all. My son went and he is 15. He came back the happiest I have ever seen him because he felt he could just be himself (bullied at school etc for being gay). I was worried, but I did not need to be.

Good luck and that rev dickhead is definitaly gay but not brave enough to come out of that closet.

Jux · 01/01/2012 03:27

Excellent thread. I'm just sorry it had to be posted.

Good luck Learner. I can't see how your colleague or boss could ever get away with it. Hope your colleague is summarily dismissed, as that is what should happen. I suspect your boss just reacted to the colleague's whinging without thinking about the implications; hope he's having a really uncomfortable w/e now that he has time to think about it.

perfumedlife · 01/01/2012 04:55

reduced lifespan...hmm, let me think. My gay brother died at 46 in his sleep, heart disease but as far as your rules are concerned, aids or gods wrath.

Tonight, almost a hundred people gathered, spur of the moment,, at my place, to toast him and his partner, my friend. Both dead. Both heredetery heart disease, nothing to do with sexual practices. Even in my darkest hours I didn't think they were taken from me by their lifesyles. I pity you. I cried tonight, there is a hole in my heart that can never be filled. Never.But more than missing them,, i am sad for you. I grew up knowing that no love was wasted. Do you measure yours,, and by what chart>?

runningwilde · 01/01/2012 07:58

Rerevisionist - we are very happy with free speech here, we just don't like nasty, homophobic views. They have no place here - they are unwanted and unwelcome.

You are better off on other sites and we would all be delighted to see you leave. Close your door on the way out.

MrsMuddyPuddles · 01/01/2012 09:05

Rerevisionist, what evidence do you have of the reduced mortal lifespan for "receptive male homosexuals"? I'd prefer peer reviewed research but insurance company data would work, too. Or anuity tables.

wellwisher · 01/01/2012 13:02

Learner, sounds like you are handling this very well. Let us know what happens!

carernotasaint · 01/01/2012 15:59

Perfumedlife that is a lovely post. Im sorry for your loss. They sound like they were a lovely couple x

fortyplus · 01/01/2012 16:53

Rerevisionist why bother posting on here when it's clear that you have nothing in common with anyone who believes that people in warm loving relationships who aren't doing any harm to anyone else should be allowed to get on with their lives without interference from ignorant old bigots?

You may be interested to know that I'm acquainted with some rather charming old gay blokes. They're getting pretty ancient and I've never been so bloody rude as to ask them whether they have anal sex so whatever they're doing doesn't seem to have done them much harm!

edam · 01/01/2012 17:08

Glad you are pursuing this, learner. Hope your boss realises what an idiot he's been and moves quickly to retrieve the situation.

madhairday · 01/01/2012 17:11

Another Christian here who is shocked by this woman's behaviour towards you.

Unfortunately it is people like her that perpetuate the feeling that Christians are intolerant bigots Sad wwjd, and all that.

You sound like a lovely mum who just wants to talk about her children and be proud of them, as we all do.

Hope your boss sees what has happened here because it is clearly discrimination against you.

madhairday · 01/01/2012 17:14

Perfumed - I'm so sorry about your brother. :( What a wonderful tribute, so many people gathering to remember him and his partner.

SkinnyWhiteBoy · 01/01/2012 17:18

YANBU your boss is. Well done to you and your son for being able to talk about his sexuality openly and honestly.
I agree with all of the sensible advice given about involving your union, etc.
Good luck and best wishes.

Lueji · 01/01/2012 17:19

YANBU

What if someone in the office was gay and brought a partner to a party?

If she doesn't want to know about it she can leave.

Or boss forbids all personal conversations in the office.

purplewednesday · 01/01/2012 19:03

rerevisionist can you post a link to this peer reviewed research so I can critique it?

What year and where was it published? Was it undertaken by a religious group?
It sounds like it would have been a retrospective analysis which is always a weaker study design.
How many people were in each study arm?
Was the study statsistically powered to be able to generalise the results to the wider population or could the results apply only to those studied?
What confounding factors were taken into account - rates of STIs, smoking, diet, BMI, age?

I don't believe that anyone educated enough to be able to read research properly can have the views that you do.

Pixieonthemoor · 01/01/2012 19:16

Utterly flabbergasted! Very badly handled by your boss-in-a-rush. I would call a meeting with your boss and HR and tell them all that you have told us and def show them the card. It is not her that is being victimised, it is YOU!! I hope she gets a serious talking to, at the very least. The office is no place for this kind of thing and frankly she sounds like a bit of a loon. Good luck with it.

sashh · 02/01/2012 06:00

Just a quick 'good luck' with handing your complaint in, I know it is not easy but you are in the right and sound like a great mum.

FionaBruise · 02/01/2012 16:27

Yeah power to you OP!!!!

MMMarmite · 03/01/2012 11:31

What happened OP? I hope it went okay with your boss. Good on you for standing up for your son.

Nilgiri · 03/01/2012 12:09

Sorry, haven't caught up on thread toady but been meaning to say:

Watch out for this woman crying victim very publicly.

There's an organisation called Christian Legal Centre which is behind many of the "poor little victimised Christian" stories, like the housing worker who harangued a dying woman that her illness was caused by atheism, then revealed said woman's personal details to the press while complaining about his suspension. Of which the CLC version was "council worker sacked for mentioning God."

Rather more informative non-CLC versions here, here and here.

Your colleague sounds right up their street.

Your employer needs to handle this woman with tongs and repeated public statements that "She is perfectly entitled to hold whatever beliefs she choses, but she is not entitled to bully or attack other members of staff or their families."

Nilgiri · 03/01/2012 12:10

today, even.

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 03/01/2012 12:15

Good luck for today OP!!! :)

nicknamenotinuse · 03/01/2012 12:17

Unless your boss bans ALL conversation about all children, family members etc. then this is not fair. Get a meeting sorted out and get this sorted. This is NOT FAIR.

stealthsquiggle · 03/01/2012 12:36

Hope it goes OK today, OP. Hopefully your boss will see sense and call in HR himself to advise him on how to dig himself out of the spectacular hole he is now in. It sounds to me as though he acted in haste (and exceptionally thoughtlessly) to get her off his back - and will now have to deal with the consequences.