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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think this situation's 'resolution' is completely unfair?

335 replies

LearnerInLife · 30/12/2011 22:50

My son who is 17 is gay. When people chat about their children in the office, I do so about my son and his younger sister. I've mentioned my son's boyfriend in conversation briefly. I've mentioned some bullying he got at school and how we dealt with it. I've mentioned how next year we're giving him permission to go to Pride because we think he's old enough now. I also talk about my daughter's activities and friends just as much. I talk about my son's school work, friends and activities too. Talking about my son within the context of him being gay has been no more than any other member of my office talking about their children's sexuality in the context of their boyfriends, girlfriends, dates etc. This chat does not go on all the time nor does it impede work. It will be while a few of us have our coffee break together etc.

One woman who has recently joined my office told me that she can't believe I'm so blase about my son 'being a homosexual and engaging in that type of behaviour'. She has also has told me that I'm an irresponsible parent for allowing him to go to Pride because 'goodness knows what he could get up to and surely you have to think of your daughter.' She has quoted scriptures at me and yesterday gave me a card that basically said that if he carried on in this course my son was going to hell and I would be to blame! Oh, and that she'd pray for me! Throughout all of this I have kept civil with her. I tried reasoning with her. I then said that we obviously would not agree but that I was as proud of my son as my daughter and would carry on being so. I made a point of trying not to be obnoxious and 'rub it in her face' to make a point but still not, when talking to the others, to change my behaviour or suddenly act as if I should be ashamed of him and talk differently. Every single member of the office has rolled their eyes at me when she has insisted on carrying on with her behaviour or has actually spoken to me in a "WHAT is her problem?" type of way.

Anyway, my boss approached me today. This woman had complained to him that I was 'inflicting my views upon her' and that she was being made to feel uncomfortable. My boss asked me to not mention my son in office conversation anymore. I asked him if he was going to make that rule for all or just me. His reaction was that I was being 'over-sensitive and should try to be more accommodating of others' beliefs.' He then had to rush off to a meeting so I didn't see him again today. We have the bank holiday and so I have until Tuesday to think of what I want to say as I feel I need to talk to him more and stress my firm objections to the way he is handling this. AIBU?

OP posts:
Jux · 03/01/2012 12:39

Hope it went well, Learner.

Jennyrosity · 03/01/2012 13:20

So glad you are pursuing this, Learner. I'm an HR Manager, and if this was happening in my organisation I'd consider it a disciplinary matter for both the employee and your boss (who really should know better at his level, and if not should at least have the sense to ring HR for advice before speaking to you!), assuming it was upheld following an investigation (which it sounds like it would be as you have evidence in the form of the card).

Keep notes of every conversation with your boss about this from now on, and records of any further comments or actions from the employee, including dates, times and any witnesses - this will prove useful should you need to go down the formal route. As has been pointed out by other posters, your co-worker's behaviour is illegal under Equality Act, and if your HR team are halfway competent they will realise that and back you all the way.

MarthasHarbour · 03/01/2012 13:27

just marking my place. good luck OP

pinkbraces · 03/01/2012 13:36

Good luck, although I dont think you need it. What a great mum you are

PoultryInMotion · 03/01/2012 13:38

Good luck today!

BaronessBomburst · 03/01/2012 14:01

Bottoms are filthy, dangerous things. I have a toddler so I should know. Grin
Shamelessly marking my place.

Wishing you all the best, OP. That woman is a nasty piece of work.

Thumbinnapuddingwitch · 03/01/2012 15:52

Any outcome yet, Learner? Hope it went well and your boss and this woman got short shrift from HR.

wahwahwah · 03/01/2012 15:55

She is bullying you. Complain to your manager and HR.

Angelswings · 03/01/2012 16:10

Think we need to pray for your co worker that she will see the error of her ways. I say that as a Christian who thinks the lady need to start with the love of God

DharmaLovesDraco · 03/01/2012 20:49

OMG words fail me, how bigoted can you get? :( Your son is very lucky to have such an understanding compassionate mum - can't imagine vile woman's are so lucky

How did you get on today?

lemonpuff · 03/01/2012 21:11

update, please

heartburn · 03/01/2012 21:53

Thank you Sashh - your letter was the best laugh I have had in ages.
Everybody here seems to be fired up. Maybe I would too if I had first hand experience like this but I haven't. Desiderata says something like 'listen to the dull and ignorant, they too have a story'. I think this colleague is to be pitied. Must we suppress all behavior and talk that is offensive to us? The lady is wrong. She is so wrong she is not subtle. She handed you the proof of her misbehavior. She is harmless.
Real menaces, of whatever discriminatory slant, are much more subtle.

NinkyNonker · 04/01/2012 07:47

That's as may be Heartburn, but the OP shouldn't be forced to modify her behaviour to suit.

fuzzpig · 04/01/2012 07:51

Hope there's an update soon!

Grumpla · 04/01/2012 07:53

Hoping for an update too OP!

EdithWeston · 04/01/2012 07:58

No update?

MarthasHarbour · 04/01/2012 09:22

yes do tell...

totallyscunnered · 04/01/2012 09:30

Marking place

iceandsliceplease · 04/01/2012 10:17

Marking place...

comedycentral · 04/01/2012 11:17

How did it go OP?

Cherriesarelovely · 04/01/2012 11:19

SOrry, don't have time to read whole thread. Just wanted to offer my support. It is she that is harrassing you. Homophobic harrassment is against the law and she ought to be disciplined. I am gay and am most fortunate to work in a very inclusive accepting environment. You are being a wonderful and supportive mum. I used to run a youth group for gay teens and can tell you that many, many of the young people that attended would have wished for such a fantastically supportive mum. Do not stand for this.

OrmIrian · 04/01/2012 11:20

Wow! Furious on your behalf. Suspect manager went for the point of least resistance - ie the person he thought would be more approachable and open to compromise.

I am so glad you pursued this. Please let us know how it went.

NormaStanleyFletcher · 04/01/2012 11:34

Delurking to mark place for update.

tinkertitonk · 04/01/2012 11:36

OP you sound completely reasonable and right and your boss idiotic. In your position I would, as one option, start looking for another job, not as any admission of defeat but as one of the best forms of attack.

muffinino82 · 04/01/2012 11:38

Good luck today, let us know how it goes. Just remember that you are correct to stand up for yourself and your son.

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