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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not see the point in getting married...

240 replies

TongueTwister · 29/12/2011 20:27

Can you convince me? Been with oh 5 years, fully intend to stick with him. We have a gorgeous 2 year old and hoping for another this year. Anyone got any good reasons to get married?

OP posts:
LunarRose · 30/12/2011 13:53

santas cave, inded you are right, while their are credit cards, data protection act and joint liability for debt whether in joint or single names marriage offers no protection at all

olgaga · 30/12/2011 13:53

Firefly, FFS, have you not read anything that's been posted here? I posted a summary, here it is again:

  1. If one unmarried partner dies, the other cohabiting partner will not automatically inherit their partner's assets. Anything inherited through a will (if there is one) is subject to inheritance tax - spousal exemptions do not apply as they would if you are married.
  2. Cohabiting partners are not automatically entitled to a share of their unmarried partners's finances after a split and have no legal rights to their partner?s pension after they die.
  3. If a cohabiting couple split up, men do not have an automatic right to see their children, and women are not be entitled to any kind of financial support.
  4. Cohabitors don?t count as legal ?next of kin?.
  5. A cohabitor does not receive state bereavement benefit or a state pension based on a percentage of their National Insurance contributions as a husband or wife would.

So if your DP dies, you are not entitled to anything. Only his family and children would have a claim on his estate. Even then it would be a wrangle, especially if there is no will, and take literally years to sort out.

Do you co-own your house? If it is in joint names you would have to buy out his share - or it would be sold from under you, and you would be left with your half share. Which you need to calculate minus the outstanding mortgage and legal fees. Figure out what that would buy you!

You would have no claim to any savings or investments in his name.

Dying without a will means huge legal fees, all of which are deducted from the estate. Unmarried you would have no claim on a contributory pension, state pension or bereavement benefit.

Hope that's clear.

gettingeasier · 30/12/2011 13:56

So OP have you been convinced then ?

Oh and I never wanted to get married but after our first dc xh really wanted to so I did and thank fuck for that as when he left 12 years later I had complete legal protection

usuallydormant · 30/12/2011 14:00

A friend's DP had an aneurysm at 32. They had a 2 yr old DD. She had no relationship with his DM, who was very close to his ex. My friend was not entitled to make any medical decisions, couldn't stop his DM from taking his ashes abroad, wasn't entitled to his life insurance or widow's pension.

That is one reason why the piece of paper is important, without it you can be emotionally and financially sidelined at a tragic time. Marriage is a legal protection.

exoticfruits · 30/12/2011 14:03

Sorted out properly beforehand your scenario poses no issues at all

Fair enough comment-but how many people do sort it? How many people just assume? I think that far more assume than find out.

LunarRose · 30/12/2011 14:06

olgaga - point 3 is completely wrong. What matters is if the child is on the birth certificate.

exoticfruits · 30/12/2011 14:07

I know a similar case usuallydormant-his DP was cut out of all medical decisions, the staff wouldn't even talk to her. Happily he lived; but had he died she would have had no say in the funeral arrangements. Had they been married all the decisions would have been hers.

LunarRose · 30/12/2011 14:08

exotic - Your right. Don't assume marriage is the best bet either. at least co-habiting you can plan marriage is entirely dependent on the other person being a decent person - something no-one can garentee beforehand

exoticfruits · 30/12/2011 14:15

I know a similar case usuallydormant-his DP was cut out of all medical decisions, the staff wouldn't even talk to her. Happily he lived; but had he died she would have had no say in the funeral arrangements. Had they been married all the decisions would have been hers.

According to Gov Direct Website

Many people (61%, according to a recent survey) mistakenly believe that simply living together can give you the same rights as marriage. They believe that 'common-law marriage' is a recognised legal status. They are wrong.*

I would suggest people look at the site here

exoticfruits · 30/12/2011 14:20

Sorry-I don't know why I got part twice.
I am not a cynical person, married for love,put my dependence on them being a decent person. All is possible but if I was a gambling person I think it far more likely that life would throw tragedy our way, than we would have a bitter divorce.

sleepsforwimps2010 · 30/12/2011 14:23

we got married after being together for 13 years. we really werent bothered and like alot of people thought its just a piece of paper. we did it because I was having our ds1 and wanted our legal position to be clear, next of kin etc....
but it has made a difference, I feel the most settled I ever have ( not that I felt unsettled before) and other people view our relationship differently.
I think people thought there must be a reason why we wouldnt commit.
really its down to personal opinion but we've never been happier..... (not that it matters but we send £300! as I dont like fuss but for us it was perfect)

olgaga · 30/12/2011 15:17

LunarRose you are not necessarily correct about this. Unmarried fathers only have rights if their children were born, or their births registered, after 1 December 2003, and if their name appears on the birth certificate.

If they don't fit both criteria, they have no rights.

olgaga · 30/12/2011 15:20

Sorry, posted too soon. You can get a parental responsibility agreement through a solicitor - which costs money. How many people bother? It's just "a piece of paper" isn't it!!

Whatmeworry · 30/12/2011 15:39

All is possible but if I was a gambling person I think it far more likely that life would throw tragedy our way, than we would have a bitter divorce.

Stats would suggest the opposite, but marriage covers both. Still not clear on the credit card thingy, which thread is that?

Original poster
TongueTwister · 30/12/2011 15:51

Not convinced, no. I have more assets and he likes to borrow money, I don't think it would ever help me financially however, we will sort out wills and next of kin.

OP posts:
Ephiny · 30/12/2011 15:54

OK, so don't get married then, if you don't want to and don't feel you need to! Why are you so keen for people to try to convince you otherwise?

lilyliz · 30/12/2011 16:02

far better to be married from a law point of view,DH and I got married as he had an ex and it protected me from a lot of grief when he passed away.It also entitles you to a range of benefits if death of either of you happens.I did also want to fully commit to him and he to me.

Original poster
TongueTwister · 30/12/2011 16:09

I wondered of I was missing something...that would make me want to get married. Turns out I do need to do some paperwork but I don't need the protection of marriage.

OP posts:
heartofthesun · 30/12/2011 16:12

I find that marriage is irrelevant when it comes to love and commitment, however, it's extremely important in a legal sense as it a clear and unambiguous signal to the rest of society that you are a couple. Forget religion or fancy dresses, (they're irrelevant) THAT'S its purpose.
Dont care if people marry or not, but those that whinge that they're not viewed as being a couple if not legally wed (NOT that opening poster is whingeing at all) make me really annoyed. WTF do they think marriage is for?! Confused It's precisely designed to tell the law etc that they are a couple. Otherwise, it's all hearsay and his word against her's.

Ephiny · 30/12/2011 16:18

OK, fair enough. I think the important thing is just to make sure you've got all the facts, then obviously it's a personal choice what you want to do, marriage isn't necessarily right for every couple.

How does your partner feel about it, if you don't mind me asking? Is he keen to get married, or not bothered either?

Original poster
TongueTwister · 30/12/2011 16:23

He's not bothered really, he'd do it id I wanted to but neither of us are fussed.

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 30/12/2011 16:31

I think that in that case it boils down to do you want to get married or visit the solicitor and get everything sorted. What you shouldn't do is let it slide. (or just make sure that you are are on wonderful friendly and loving terms with his blood relationsXmas Grin)

olgaga · 30/12/2011 16:36

As long as you know both know the legal position in the event of death/separation.

If you don't want to get married, that's fine - but yes you both definitely need to make wills and you might find this useful re next of kin:
www.advicenow.org.uk/living-together/next-of-kin/

CJ2010 · 30/12/2011 16:38

You will have to excuse me if this has already been covered up thread but am I correct in thinking that by being married to someone you can end up being jointly responsible for paying of their debts?

I may be wrong on this and i admit I'm not totally sure of my facts, but over the years I've heard people complain that their husband/wife has buggered off and left them saddled with debts.

Also, with regard to the whole SAHP thing. If your spouse leaves you, most people have to sell up anyway as they can't afford to keep running the house.

I'm not currently married but have two DC's with my DP, so it's an issue I have thought about.

I just think that with regard to ordinary people, the financial benefits of getting married aren't that big a deal. If you marry a footballer/ banker, etc things may be different as you will end up getting a nice juicy pay out. Most women I know who have got divorced, are left completely fucked financially.

This may sound strange to some, but you may well be better off being penniless and letting the council house you and then you can claim benefits.

OriginalJamie · 30/12/2011 16:42

I'm glad that you are thinking about the legal implications.

I always think that some people think "Why get married?", and others (like me) think "Why Not?". To me, the wedding day was just a day. It can be exactly waht you want it to be. To not get married because of fears about the wedding, seem a shame, to me.

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