to not want disabled BIL to live with us

[sonotready]

I feel like a total shit and am well prepared to be flamed, prob. deserve it :(

BIL is disabled - birth accident left him brain damaged, with learning/mental issues rather than physical ones. He is a nice guy (mid 30s now), who doesn't know he's disabled iyswim.

DH grew up knowing he would always need to look after his brother (MIL a single mum), and over the years we have hd 4am mercy dashes to police stations (when BIL feels threatened he lashes out and he'd been cornered by another service user at a drop-in centre), had to cope with BIL's 'friends' selling all his things and dealing drugs out of his flat and all sorts. Eventually BIL was persuaded to move back in with MIL (because she 'needed help' not because he needed someone to keep an eye), and he rubs along okay looking after the pets and doing garden work. MIL works away. They live five hours from us.

When DH and I got together I was late teens and while I did know on some level that one day BIL's care would fall to us I didn't fully appreciate what it would mean. BIL 'seems fine' and I was very young and MIL was far from old or frail.

We've been over for the festive season and MIL has raised the possibility of BIL coming to stay with us for a while as she needs a break. DH feels strongly we must do this, and I sort of agree, but I will be the one looking out for him all the time as DH works and I'm a SAHM. MIL is making out that it will be free babysitting for the DCs but given how BIL reacts to unpredictable things happening that's just not going to happen until the DCs are a lot lot older - he's fine playing XBOX with them and they love that, but DH vividly remembers BIL setting fire to the grillpan accidentally and then panicking and disabling the smoke alarm so he didn't get in trouble and running out of the house leaving DH and MIL asleep upstairs... so I just couldn't leave him in charge of young children.

DH's already had a massive go at me for letting BIL use his laptop (apparently it was 'obvious' that he'd be downloading porn and other dodgy things), and my mobile (he said he wanted to play angry birds and has run up £££ of charges to sex lines - MIL said I was stupid to give it to him but nobody has ever told me he has form for that before!)

MIL is dropping hints that we should bring BIL home with us when we go back - I really really don't want to, not without a lot more preparation and a lot more understanding of what it is going to involve.

I've asked about official respite (total no go apparently for lots of reasons, also MIL doesn't want someone to 'look after' BIL she wants him to do a 'normal thing like visiting his brother, he's always asking why you don't have him to stay').

DH thinks IABU - what do you think?

We had a similar situation with my gran and uncle-it is a hard thing to deal with,and you have my sympathy.I think your DH needs to face up to this now.What happens if MIL has an accident or unexpectedly gets taken to hospital? Would anyone locally know about BIL being left on his own? Who would care for him in this situation? Could DH take emergency leave and go and care for BIL?

I think people of your MILs generation ofter view residential or assisted living placements as 'being put away',quite wrongly,but they do.

The few years my uncle spent in a residential home,after my gran was unable to care for him,were the best of his life.

I hope you can resolve this and wish you luck.

He sounds like a lot or hardwork, a wheelchair bound person would probably be less stressful,

I personally would not take on such a role with young children, his unpredictable behaviour is a danger to your kids as much as he cant help it he shouldn't come and live their under any circumstances.

Well I cannot believe I'm writing this. I know nobody is up but I can't sleep and I have to get this out somewhere.

DH supposed to be back at work in 3 hours-ish. But MIL hasn't come back. She was due to land in our city Sunday early afternoon and go straight home, I even offered to meet her at the airport! DH was going to wait until she landed to set off and arrive home with DC2 in the evening.

She sent a text saying she'd missed the flight yesterday morning and that's the last we heard from her. DH is beside himself, DC2 is still with him, have absolutely no idea what we're going to do or what's going on with MIL. She's not answering emails or calls and the hotel she was staying at say she checked out as planned.

DH is terrified she's done something stupid.

(ffs, namechanged wrong! reposting in case people have OP posts highlighted)

Well I cannot believe I'm writing this. I know nobody is up but I can't sleep and I have to get this out somewhere.

DH supposed to be back at work in 3 hours-ish. But MIL hasn't come back. She was due to land in our city Sunday early afternoon and go straight home, I even offered to meet her at the airport! DH was going to wait until she landed to set off and arrive home with DC2 in the evening.

She sent a text saying she'd missed the flight yesterday morning and that's the last we heard from her. DH is beside himself, DC2 is still with him, have absolutely no idea what we're going to do or what's going on with MIL. She's not answering emails or calls and the hotel she was staying at say she checked out as planned.

DH is terrified she's done something stupid.

Oh bugger! I truly hope for your sake that MIL is on a flight home already which would explain her lack of communication.

Could your DH not pack up BIL and DS and bring them home now so he can return to work, then when MIL arrives back she can take BIL back with her?

I hope she hasn't had a taste of freedom and gone AWOL!!

DH will have to bring BIL home today if no word from MIL. But that is going to really upset BIL - especially as MIL not around, he'll be very upset/worried I think. Plus there's the pets...

Not to mention DH's job who are not going to be best pleased.

I have NO IDEA how to go about finding out if she's on a plane - I tried calling the airline she was booked with and they don't release passenger information, which I can understand but arrrrgh.

I am so angry.

DH is terrified she's killed herself. Absolutely terrified. I want to shout about her and be angry but he won't hear it, he's just scared. He's trying to keep it together for BIL but BIL's got to be picking up on it.

Sonotready, I have read your thread before, i have nothing useful to say but I am so sorry to hear this. You have done all the right things, take care of yourself and your family. i'm thinking about you.

Wow, that's shocking.

Hopefully something innocent like a flat battery explains the lack of contact, but you really need to hit the accelerator on a long-term plan for BIL.

Oh my goodness how incredibly stressful for you and your dh. I'm assuming that there were later flights that she could have been, so she has gone AWOL, rather than just late? People talk about ringing hospitals, but I would imagine that they might have the same confidentiality arrangements. If your husband is seriously concerned then ringing the police is an option.

This is not from any knowledgeable standpoint, but if your DH is that worried I would consider calling the police. Explain the circumstances, they might be better placed to get information from the airlines etc. I'm so sorry this has turned into such a drama, I hope your MIL is okay.

She's abroad and I'm not sure what the procedure is.

You would hope that she'd be on the next available flight but her text was literally 'missed my flight', that's it, nothing else. Another flight from the same airport with the same airline has been and gone, too :(

She has form - years and years ago though, like 20 years ago - for vanishing while abroad. DH remembers not being collected from boarding school with no warning and he and BIL staying with his grandparents for the summer, it's a traumatic memory for him tbh. BIL has huge issues with unexpected things happening and is always anxious when people are abroad anyway as he's afraid of flying. So it is going to be very difficult to explain to him as he might work himself up.

Dh has said he is going to ask the neighbours who 'looks in' while MIL is away usually and ask them to feed the pets as he just can't stay there any longer.

I am absolutely white-hot with rage. DC1 will be up any second and I've barely slept - I am furious, furious, furious. There had better be a damn good reason for this behaviour as there is no way MIL isn't aware of the chaos this is causing everyone and any good feeling there might've been has been totally fucking evaporated.

I agree with Dharma.

Fingers crossed she turns up later.

Do you think the UK police could do anything? Given what she said? I don't know how it works, it's worth a try I suppose - do I call the police in the city we're in or the airport police or...?

I don't think they'll take it seriously... could try calling the airport police and talking it up like it's a big surprise MIL didn't turn up but I wouldn't want to get in trouble.

I wish I knew if there was any kind of guardianship in place for BIL, we could maybe get signed over to us? Probably not able to do anything on this timescale.

Poor poor BIL. He is going to be so confused and upset.

I think if I were you I woudl ring your local police station, at the very least they will be able to tell you who you can call (might be an embassy perhaps if it's abroad).

Or google turned up this site: www.missingpeople.org.uk/ they have a helpline you can ring: 0800 700 740 and look like they might to be able to give you advice.

They have a guide to help people who have relatives missing abroad www.missingpeople.org.uk/missing-people/families-and-friends/missing-abroad

I hope this is helpful!

Thankyou so much that looks really helpful, having a read now.

Now is when you call social services.

You have a vulnerable adult who has been abandoned by his guardian.

Get the proper authorities involved.

Tiptoeing around your MIL's selfish, unreasonable feelings is over.

She's made this your problem, so deal with it. Properly.

Yes AThing that is what I am thinking BUT if BIL is not 'on the radar' then presumably we'd need to be visited/assessed (which is going to include explaining to BIL what is going on), and potentially even telling him WHY (ie that he has a disability) - and if MIL turns up today or tomorrow or next week, will that be enough time?

That is what I WANT to do. I would do it in a heartbeat but I would need Dh on-board (as he is BIL's relative), and I am not sure the timescales would work. And it would potentially traumatise BIL massively.

She might show up tomorrow, you might never see her again.

The reality is that she is gone and a vulnerable adult needs help you can't provide.

What is your DH doing with BIL now?

TBH I think your DH is out of options, and you need to be firm about this.

Plan for today is DH sorts out care for the house/pets and comes back with BIL (5 hour journey ffs), and DC2. Will then be exactly the scenario this whole thread was started about with added joy of AWOL MIL.

Am half hoping she never comes back but it would absolutely crush DH. He is terrified, terrified, terrified and isn't thinking very pragmatically.

If/when she does come back I am thinking we could refuse to 'give' (wrong word, sorry and v disempowering of BIL but not sure what is better), BIL to her? As she's clearly not stable? But BIL will want to go back home and be with her, not sure we can keep him with us against his will.

I need to call someone and find out, I am going to call the charities mentioned upthread and ask.

I mean, it was just circumstance/luck that DH stayed. He could easily have left in the morning expecting he and MIL to 'cross' on the way up/down and then BIL would've been left alone.

Crap DC1 up. Will sort breakfast and call DH and then maybe police.

Good grief, I am beyond angry for you that your MIL has put you in this position! I have no doubt that she has baulked at the idea of coming back to look after your BIL and has decided to force your hand into taking him back to your house rather than leave him on his own.

Because she has been so underhanded, it is going to be very difficult for your poor BIL to deal with the uncertainty of the situation - but your DH does have to realise that a care plan needs to be put into place, possibly even assisted living for your BIL.

I hope that SS can help you with sorting it out, and that your DH makes sensible decisions about this.

Bloody hell. You need to ring Social Services OP. It's what you wanted to do before, well now the opportunity has not just presented itself, it's come banging at your door. You pretty much have to. I don't think now is the time to be having any significant conversations with BIL though. Quite apart from anything else, Social Services might be able to advise you on the best way to do it. I don't think it would be very wise to do it now. You could do a lot of harm. Good luck.

RabidEchidna, fuck off.

Calling SS for an evaluation should always have been a condition of having your BIL stay with you.

Now it had been forced on you, it needs to happen ASAP.

You and your children are having this thrust upon you in your home.

You need to be onboard with this, and you can't be unless it is dealt with possibly.

Your DH had his chance to do things his way and mollify his mother and she has fucked all of you over.

Now things need to be done properly, by the book.

You are about to have an adult man with learning difficulties, with a sex obsession and form for lying to and stealing from you, in your house indefinitely.

You make the rules now.

Don't know where your MIL is, but if you are worried for her safety then you can ring the British embassy in that country and they may be able to help you check with local police etc. Worth a shot anyway (between contacting social services).