to not want disabled BIL to live with us

[sonotready]

I feel like a total shit and am well prepared to be flamed, prob. deserve it :(

BIL is disabled - birth accident left him brain damaged, with learning/mental issues rather than physical ones. He is a nice guy (mid 30s now), who doesn't know he's disabled iyswim.

DH grew up knowing he would always need to look after his brother (MIL a single mum), and over the years we have hd 4am mercy dashes to police stations (when BIL feels threatened he lashes out and he'd been cornered by another service user at a drop-in centre), had to cope with BIL's 'friends' selling all his things and dealing drugs out of his flat and all sorts. Eventually BIL was persuaded to move back in with MIL (because she 'needed help' not because he needed someone to keep an eye), and he rubs along okay looking after the pets and doing garden work. MIL works away. They live five hours from us.

When DH and I got together I was late teens and while I did know on some level that one day BIL's care would fall to us I didn't fully appreciate what it would mean. BIL 'seems fine' and I was very young and MIL was far from old or frail.

We've been over for the festive season and MIL has raised the possibility of BIL coming to stay with us for a while as she needs a break. DH feels strongly we must do this, and I sort of agree, but I will be the one looking out for him all the time as DH works and I'm a SAHM. MIL is making out that it will be free babysitting for the DCs but given how BIL reacts to unpredictable things happening that's just not going to happen until the DCs are a lot lot older - he's fine playing XBOX with them and they love that, but DH vividly remembers BIL setting fire to the grillpan accidentally and then panicking and disabling the smoke alarm so he didn't get in trouble and running out of the house leaving DH and MIL asleep upstairs... so I just couldn't leave him in charge of young children.

DH's already had a massive go at me for letting BIL use his laptop (apparently it was 'obvious' that he'd be downloading porn and other dodgy things), and my mobile (he said he wanted to play angry birds and has run up £££ of charges to sex lines - MIL said I was stupid to give it to him but nobody has ever told me he has form for that before!)

MIL is dropping hints that we should bring BIL home with us when we go back - I really really don't want to, not without a lot more preparation and a lot more understanding of what it is going to involve.

I've asked about official respite (total no go apparently for lots of reasons, also MIL doesn't want someone to 'look after' BIL she wants him to do a 'normal thing like visiting his brother, he's always asking why you don't have him to stay').

DH thinks IABU - what do you think?

Sorry, meant to include a link to find the contact details (afraid it will be an international phone call): FO list of embassies

Police - she's a missing person . also agree re social services, as even if mil returns quickly and safely this indicates she's flakey and she/your BIL needs other help

I think it'd be better for dh to take more time off work and stay there, liaise with ss, police etc. If bil comes to you he may be there for months.

This is going to sound awful, but even in this crisis situation I still wouldn't have BIL to stay unless DH took (unpaid) time off.

I know this is multiple posts, but actually you don't seem to want to ring the local embassy, the FCO has another page giving information specifically on missing persons here. Right government department, wrong phone number, sorry!

You could look online to see what flights to the UK have left the airport that MIL is at. That might give you an idea what's happening. So for example if there were no more flights from there yesterday, you know she can't be on one of them and must have gone AWOL. You should also be able to get an idea how long a flight would take. So if she's been out of contact for 8 hours and flights from where she is only take 4, this may be an indication that she's chosen to wander off.

Additionally, I think she could do with a bit of help and support herself when she comes back, whatever anyone thinks of her behaviour. If she has done what it sounds like she's done, she must have felt incredibly pressured. Help does exist for people in her position. She's going to need a lot of encouragement to access it.

Wasn't this a work trip or have I remembered that wrong? Because I'd phone here work and see if they've heard from her first thing.

The worst outcome of this is that in the panic and uncertainty, the situation you have refused to agree to is forced upon you, and once it's in place, it's MUCH harder to change the status quo.

Sadly I think that in the wake of your refusal to take BIL and your DH staying on instead, your MIL may have planned exactly this outcome. With her history, it isn't implausible... she sounds like the kind of person who might think (crazily) that if she disappears, and you are forced to have BIL stay, that she can just lie low for a few weeks, you will of course soon adjust to BIL's presence and of course he'll be so much happier with his brother, you'll get used to looking after him and when she comes back, she can quite easily circumvent BIL returning by being unable to cope/ill/etc. 'Well you've coped fine for the last few weeks'/'BIL is happy here, how can you want to uproot him again'/'I've told BIL he has a home with you now, how can you want him to leave' etc.

My blood boils for you. You've been jockeyed into a very difficult position, moreover I have no doubt that once BIL is with you, you will be arguing a very different set of points with your DH too - UNLESS you act decisively NOW.

Make it crystal clear to your DH that your position isn't going to change. Don't let the 'panic' of the situation make you feel you can't stick to your guns. Firstly, your DH needs to take time off work, because AS YOU HAVE ALREADY STATED, you are not happy being alone with BIL and the children in the house. DON'T back down on this, because once you spend a few days doing exactly that, the argument becomes 'But it's been fine so far...' - NO!
Secondly, get the authorities involved. Yes, BIL will have to be made aware in some way of his limitations. But you can talk to SS or whoever is appropriate and this can be managed. But it HAS to happen - even if MIL comes back today, the fact is that she can no longer be trusted to care for a vulnerable adult. In a way, this crisis is a good thing. As you said upthread, it's a lot better for all this to happen now while BIL is young enough to adjust. Again, don't back down on this with your DH. If he won't agree to involving outside agencies, I'd be packing bags for myself and the children and visiting relatives until this is over. Sounds harsh in the extreme, but that's the position I reckon you have to take to do your best to ensure that the outcome of this is what you want. Any less - from what you have siad upthread - threatens your marriage and also the stability of your poor BIL.

Sorry I have only read the first few pages as an on phone.

Did I understand it correctly that your MIL works away? Every week? If so, who looks after BIL during the week?

Totally agree with TheCrunch

Sorry just read latest updates.

Please ignore my comment.

So sorry you are going through this

Christ, have just read whole thread.

I agree with others that you need social services involved as a matter of urgency.

Was there really a work trip?

Have just read your thread in one sitting OP and am but not entirely surprised at your MIL's behaviour.

Regardless of anyone else's feelings you must put your DC's first.

If I was in your shoes I would probably give MIL a couple of days benefit of the doubt, but I think you should make a plan with your DH that if you haven't heard from her/she's not back by Weds/Fri - depending on your personal feelings, you will call SS.

YANBU and you have nothing to feel guilty about even if it does cause mayhem in the short term - at the end of the day the buck stops with your MIL in this case.

I really hope you manage to get things sorted ASAP.

The cynic in me does think that MIL has planned this....either that or she just can't face coming back to her situation.

If you feel you need to report her missing (which I think you do FWIW) don't run about contacting embassies etc, the correct procedure is for you to contact your LOCAL police, and let them do the contacting of ports/airports etc. There are mechanisms in place for this kind of thing and it's best if you let police do them (a lot are done automatically) rather than trying to jump ahead which could actually confuse an enquiry.

I really feel for your situation, but I also think the time to contact SS is NOW, get the ball rolling re assessments etc, you'll get guidance on how to broach the subject with BIL. I can kind of understand where your MIL has come from in "protecting" him from his disability but jeez she's not made life easy for anyone in doing so

No, MIL has shown she can't be relied upon.

Phone SS today as a matter of urgency.

It's not a punishment for MIL, it's what your BIL needs and deserves and the only mechanism you have to make sure your and your children's lives are not massively disrupted by the enormous dysfunction in your husband's family.

Oh shit.

Local police and SS.

MIL's work too- it did seem dodgy that she could suddenly plan & go on a work trip with such short notice.

I have been lurking on this thread since the beginning and just wanted to add my support. I would call local police and social services if I were you. Your DH is supposed to be at work and he can't stay off indefinitely and you cannot look after him and your DCs.

I am so, so sorry this has happened :(

When I say 'him and your DCs', I meant your BIL and your DCs.

If it was supposed to be a work trip, can you phone her work? Surely they will be expecting her back?

What a horrible situation for you, op. :( Hope today gets you a plan if action and some answers.

I expect that you will have phoned MIL's work by now, and learned that there never was a work trip.

I hope SS are able to get you an emergency placement for your BIL.

Wishing you strength

You must get SS involved - how else are you going to deal with this mess? Your BIL staying with you can't be a long-term solution. Do you really think you could cope with him in your house for the foreseeable future? He sounds like he needs pretty much constant supervision and your MIL has basically done a bunk. It sounds like she needed a break, took it, and now can't face coming back, so she's disappeared. You need to contact the police about her disappearance - now, not later - and you need to get SS on board too to help you figure out where BIL is going to live, and who is going to care for him in future.

And as for him not knowing he has a disability - I'd get advice on how to start talking to him about this and who should be the one to start the conversation - but surely he's going to have to find out some day?

What happened to her the 1st time she did this when your DH had to spend school hols with his GPs? Where was she and what was her story? Sounds like she may be doing a rerun. Agree police and SS are the way to go, You need to be the strong one as noone else is behaving rationally. Feel for you x.

she is clearly in need of some help herself.... your poor bil, and she knows what she is doing to him, your dh and you.

Well done - I think you sound lovely, caring and supportive. Thank goodness your bil has you

I've just read through this whole thread and think you were being incredibly sensible in a difficult situation - then with the whole MIL MIA issue, I'm shocked!

I'm afraid I have no experience or advice to add, but maybe this is the opportunity you've needed to encourage your DH into doing something positive.

Thinking of you.

Oh no! How awful of MIL to run away from her responsibilities. I hope you hear from her soon.