to not want disabled BIL to live with us

[sonotready]

I feel like a total shit and am well prepared to be flamed, prob. deserve it :(

BIL is disabled - birth accident left him brain damaged, with learning/mental issues rather than physical ones. He is a nice guy (mid 30s now), who doesn't know he's disabled iyswim.

DH grew up knowing he would always need to look after his brother (MIL a single mum), and over the years we have hd 4am mercy dashes to police stations (when BIL feels threatened he lashes out and he'd been cornered by another service user at a drop-in centre), had to cope with BIL's 'friends' selling all his things and dealing drugs out of his flat and all sorts. Eventually BIL was persuaded to move back in with MIL (because she 'needed help' not because he needed someone to keep an eye), and he rubs along okay looking after the pets and doing garden work. MIL works away. They live five hours from us.

When DH and I got together I was late teens and while I did know on some level that one day BIL's care would fall to us I didn't fully appreciate what it would mean. BIL 'seems fine' and I was very young and MIL was far from old or frail.

We've been over for the festive season and MIL has raised the possibility of BIL coming to stay with us for a while as she needs a break. DH feels strongly we must do this, and I sort of agree, but I will be the one looking out for him all the time as DH works and I'm a SAHM. MIL is making out that it will be free babysitting for the DCs but given how BIL reacts to unpredictable things happening that's just not going to happen until the DCs are a lot lot older - he's fine playing XBOX with them and they love that, but DH vividly remembers BIL setting fire to the grillpan accidentally and then panicking and disabling the smoke alarm so he didn't get in trouble and running out of the house leaving DH and MIL asleep upstairs... so I just couldn't leave him in charge of young children.

DH's already had a massive go at me for letting BIL use his laptop (apparently it was 'obvious' that he'd be downloading porn and other dodgy things), and my mobile (he said he wanted to play angry birds and has run up £££ of charges to sex lines - MIL said I was stupid to give it to him but nobody has ever told me he has form for that before!)

MIL is dropping hints that we should bring BIL home with us when we go back - I really really don't want to, not without a lot more preparation and a lot more understanding of what it is going to involve.

I've asked about official respite (total no go apparently for lots of reasons, also MIL doesn't want someone to 'look after' BIL she wants him to do a 'normal thing like visiting his brother, he's always asking why you don't have him to stay').

DH thinks IABU - what do you think?

Can you enlist the help of the uncle? Can he talk some sense into mil?

My cousin has Down's Syndrome and my aunt was massively protective of him when he was young, to the extent that when he was 11 he was still in nappies, unable to talk, feed himself or hold a pencil. Finally my mum gave my aunt a strong lecture on how she was failing him and what did she expect was going to happen to him when she was too old to change his nappies etc. Aunt saw sense and he went to a special school where, within a term, he had learnt to talk, was out of nappies, could write his name.

Maybe your mil will listen to your uncle (her brother?).

Thankyou so much for your responses and information and suggestions.

Just popping on to say that as things stand DH is staying here to give MIL a break (until the 9th), and I am taking the DCs home.

I am hoping it will be a wakeup call for DH and show MIL that we do want to help.

That sounds like a good start.

Before you leave, though, I would make ABSOLUTELY sure that you and DH are on the same page regarding BIL's long-term requirements. If you're not around for the next week and a half, I would imagine that your DH is going to come under pressure from his mother to agree a solution. Especially if she sees you as the obstacle.

OP I agree with everyone who says you need to have a full discussion with DH about this, and probably involved someone else who has a realistic idea about how BIL's temperament is likely to be out of MIL supervision. All this BEFORE any 'visit'.

It will not necessarily be ok once MIL is no longer around, your DH may feel the responsibility even more. Caring doesn't end and it will impact your relationship, your DC's lives, school holiday time, family holidays and so on for good. Regarding the porn habit, he has already lied about his intentions and there seems to be a whole side of your BIL's adult life that your MIL is in denial about. What else might there be? A full assessment is needed before you can make any decisions at all.

BIL won't be staying with us unless DH is off work for the duration, we have established that.

Potentially the preschool DC will stay too (going to see how said DC feels tomorrow), DH likes the idea as DC can enjoy rural surroundings etc and from my own selfish POV it might give DH an insight into what he was actually asking me to do.

I feel really sorry for BIL at the moment with his family arguing over him like he's unwanted baggage but it would not be in his best interests to drag him to ours in the current circumstances and this way MIL can have some time away.

Have just read this thread and wanted to say YANBU, and it sounds like this will be a really good opportunity for your DH to see what caring for his brother will involve. Good luck, OP!

sorry to keep posting just thinking out loud/too cross to sleep really.

Not sure if DH was being defensive/not thinking or what but his attitude has upset me.

He was pissed off (all this during whispered arguments down the garden in the rain so not conducive, to be fair), that "you are saying you want BIL to be upset but not by you" (when I said that I thought BIL should have his disabilities explained to him sooner rather than later), and that in as much as he ever thought about the far future he saw elderly-BIL 'in a home' (private one using trust fund money). I said that wasn't fair on BIL and was he saying he'd spring all this on BIL when he was in his 60s or whatever, DH said "he'd just be another slightly odd old man in a home".

60's not old :( I said did he seriously think putting 60-year-old BIL, unaware of his condition, in a home full of strangers was a good solution. DH said what was my alternative and I said I just thought that someone should be asking BIL what he wanted, what he wanted to do now and what he wanted for his own future.

I do think it would be better for BIL to be sat down and have things explained to him by MIL, now, while he's young than to wait for another 30 years like this.

I asked DH what he was expecting to happen if he died. He went quiet. He's alseep now and hopefully something is ticking away in there. TBH I care less about what the eventual plan ends up being and more that there just is one.

My DH is 61. Im 38 so i dont see it as old either.

Don't apologise :(

I just typed a really long reply to your other posts and it bloody logged me out!!

You sound like the only one that's actually thinking about your BIL. Your MIL is so bloody busy covering up whatever happened to him that she feels guilty about (and I don't mean to minimise her pain, but FFS she needs to think about HIM) and your DH is saying 'I'll look after him when he's old by shoving him in a home & in the meantime little wifey will just have to cope, oops she's putting her foot down, I'll stay a week and prove it's easy then he can come and stay - she'll calm down' and not considering either you or your BIL.

I can see some serious - not standing in the garden, in the pissing rain - conversations are going to need to be had!!

He's acting like a twat, but only you know if he is a twat or if he's just panicing!

Set a time limit, say 2 weeks - that gives MIL a break and make sure BIL DH and MIL all know this.

Who has assessed him for need? When was he assessed?

If you have him assessed while he is at yours he might be found to have needs that do need support (different councils have different rules).

I'm in a property that is owned by a social landlord, they have services that would benefit BIL from what you have said and if he is recieving benefits he would not have to pay for.

Stay strong. Maybe once other parties are involved you won't have to be the bad guy / voice of reality?

I was going to say that DH spending time with BIL will probably not give him (DH) an idea of what living with Bil is really like because bil will be chuffed he has his DB on a one to one.

They will have fun doing boys stuff together. BIL will be occupied and amenable as a result.

DH maycome home saying how easy it is to care for him.

OP, could you get in touch with the many care services suggested here and ask for advice on the pretext that you are concerned for MIL. See what they come up with. Then you are in a better position to put your case to DH.

I may get flamed here but there is no way I would have this for any longer than say 2 weeks. Just no way. Its a crying shame for everyone concerned, but you and DH have your children to think about and considering his previous there is just absolutely no way in hell I would have this.

I agree with some of the pps about looking into proper respite care for BIL and MIL.

Hi, I have only read the first 3 pages but wanted to say that you are definitely NBU.

I have a disabled child and do worry about his future. However I think it is extremely iunfair of your MIL to dictate what will happen. If she is unable to care for her son full-time then another solution needs to be found. TBH it would be better that it's sorted now rather than later as she will get old and will die and better to have care sorted than be in an emergency situation.

I do think some work needs to be done with your BIL, to help him to understand his difficulties and limitations. Colluding with him that he is completely fit of mid and body is not helpful to him and makes it difficult to talk with him about support he requires.

The biggest thing that jumps out at me from your posts is the inherent risk to your children's safety. I don't believe he would knowingly hurt them, but causing a fire accidentally and disabling the smoke alarm to avoid getting into trouble is just plain scary. You are first and foremost a mother and you need to ensure your children's safety. Maybe discussing the potential risks to your children will help your husband to look for an alternative solution NOW.

I agree that a couple of weeks could potetntially turn into a forever arrangement and would be really wary................

Not an easy situation for anyone. Hope you can find a solution which is good for everyone involved.

I'm packing - DC2 is staying with DH and BIL, MIL is off somewhere for the duration.

I wouldn't mind too much if this was a regular thing, DH staying here with BIL to give MIL a break. Though it does enable the current setup.

Brief chats with DH this morning but we're both tired of the rows I think. He is convinced BIL is much better/more stable than he was back in the days when he lived alone/was in those bad situations. I pointed out that we have no idea how he'd react to a similarly stressful situation as he's been protected from any kind of upset ever since but I'm not sure what good it did.

Pretty clear from MIL that if we were going home without BIL and without offering to help she'd just 'soldier on' as things are. It's a work trip she's keen to go on, not an end of tether situation.

I have said there is no way BIL is coming to stay with us.

Well done OP, you've shown how a bit of assertiveness goes a long way. You are involved, and have just as much right as everyone else to make yourself heard. It's not as though you're saying your BIL should fend for himself.

I think your DH staying with him for a week is the right way to go. Having your DC there too might just make him realise what hard work it is, and force him to think of alternatives. On the other hand it may be a nice easy week, and turn out to be a regular solution which keeps everyone content.

In which case, your and your DH both have to decide whether it is OK for you all as a family if he ends up using a lot of his annual holiday this way. But something will have to give, and it might just be that. The situation will evolve as everyone, including your children, get older.

See how it goes, best of luck. Let us know!

How old is your DC?

DH spending time with BIL will probably not give him (DH) an idea of what living with Bil is really like because bil will be chuffed he has his DB on a one to one. They will have fun doing boys stuff together. BIL will be occupied and amenable as a result. DH maycome home saying how easy it is to care for him.

I've just read the whole thread, and I think this is quite a likely outcome.

Besides which, BIL probably does not see your DH as a sex object. Given his porn habit he is likely to see you, a woman of a similar age, in that way. Your DH is also likely to be in a better position to cope with any violent outbursts.

The most worrying thing in your posts is your DH and MIL having a go at you, and calling you stupid, for letting BIL use your iphone and lap top. In your shoes, I like to think that I would have left at that point.

I hear what you are saying (I disagree about seeing me as a sex object but obviously don't know how BIL truly thinks. When he has had the chance of doing physical things he has run a mile though), but I have told DH that BIL is not coming to stay with us. So if DH comes home thinking it's easy to spend time with BIL, he can keep coming down and spending time here with him while MIL has some time away. We can all come and make a trip of it (we do that in the summer), I have no problem with that.

I have told DH I will not be party to lying to BIL about anything. We'll have to talk more about the future, both long-term and immediate, but here and now isn't the time or place.

DC2 is 4.4.

Can I just add something.

Op you seem very upset , I hope that you remember your own feelings and quality of life is just as important as your Dc , your Dhs and your BIl.

Your mil is ashamed that bil has special needs ....that's why she is trying to hide his condition from him. Has anyone ever told her that Bils difficulties are not her fault? . Maybe if she heard that ,shed act a bit less in denial.

I know she's a selfish old mare, but I feel really sorry for her too.

I think you are coping really well with this, really keeping your head. Good luck with it all.

OP, I think you've done brilliantly.
It's really unfortunate that because you're the only one who's being realistic and also looking ahead without rose-tinted glasses, you're being cast as the bad guy.
I hope your stand will help your DH deal with the actual facts and that he'll appreciate your clarity eventually.

Just read the whole thread, OP, and I think you've dealt with all brilliantly. I hope this stay with your BIL gives your DH a wake-up call that this issue needs to be planned for sooner rather than later.

Very hard and sad situation for everyone involved.

i still think DH needs to read this, as the whole thread is sympathetic to both sides whilst being realistic. The fact that virtually everyone thinks the same must surely have some impact on him. Both of you come across as very nice people trying to do the right thing. Everybody is also sympathetic to MIL as her heart is in the right place too.

If he does come for a trial run,could you suddenly have to go out a lot, leaving your husband to look after him and the children?