to not want disabled BIL to live with us

[sonotready]

I feel like a total shit and am well prepared to be flamed, prob. deserve it :(

BIL is disabled - birth accident left him brain damaged, with learning/mental issues rather than physical ones. He is a nice guy (mid 30s now), who doesn't know he's disabled iyswim.

DH grew up knowing he would always need to look after his brother (MIL a single mum), and over the years we have hd 4am mercy dashes to police stations (when BIL feels threatened he lashes out and he'd been cornered by another service user at a drop-in centre), had to cope with BIL's 'friends' selling all his things and dealing drugs out of his flat and all sorts. Eventually BIL was persuaded to move back in with MIL (because she 'needed help' not because he needed someone to keep an eye), and he rubs along okay looking after the pets and doing garden work. MIL works away. They live five hours from us.

When DH and I got together I was late teens and while I did know on some level that one day BIL's care would fall to us I didn't fully appreciate what it would mean. BIL 'seems fine' and I was very young and MIL was far from old or frail.

We've been over for the festive season and MIL has raised the possibility of BIL coming to stay with us for a while as she needs a break. DH feels strongly we must do this, and I sort of agree, but I will be the one looking out for him all the time as DH works and I'm a SAHM. MIL is making out that it will be free babysitting for the DCs but given how BIL reacts to unpredictable things happening that's just not going to happen until the DCs are a lot lot older - he's fine playing XBOX with them and they love that, but DH vividly remembers BIL setting fire to the grillpan accidentally and then panicking and disabling the smoke alarm so he didn't get in trouble and running out of the house leaving DH and MIL asleep upstairs... so I just couldn't leave him in charge of young children.

DH's already had a massive go at me for letting BIL use his laptop (apparently it was 'obvious' that he'd be downloading porn and other dodgy things), and my mobile (he said he wanted to play angry birds and has run up £££ of charges to sex lines - MIL said I was stupid to give it to him but nobody has ever told me he has form for that before!)

MIL is dropping hints that we should bring BIL home with us when we go back - I really really don't want to, not without a lot more preparation and a lot more understanding of what it is going to involve.

I've asked about official respite (total no go apparently for lots of reasons, also MIL doesn't want someone to 'look after' BIL she wants him to do a 'normal thing like visiting his brother, he's always asking why you don't have him to stay').

DH thinks IABU - what do you think?

"Hopefully MIL will call them back soon."

In your shoes, I would be hoping that she stays incommunicato until BIL was well settled in a situation that he likes better than he did "looking after Mum and the pets/garden" so she can't mess up arrangements that are half-formed and re-indoctrinate your DH into the finer arts of "having one's head in the sand".

Good luck.

Have lurked all the way through your thread OP. So glad MIL is actually unharmed, but very shocked that she would be so duplicitous. Whether she did this out of desperation, just wanted a break or whatever, this has been carefully calculated. It does lead me to think if she could be this calculating under pressure, just how much has she played your family in the past to make sure she could keep things the way she wanted them.

Meanwhile MIL has forfeited any right to keep the status quo, it's essential your DH involves SS. Ultimately this could lead to a better outcome for all of you.

I really admire the way you have dealt with all this, it must have been hell.

Well done OP!

Have just read the entire thread. Oh my. I have sympathy for everyone involved, yes, even MIL.

OP, you are fabulous. I hope everything works out for your family and when the dust settles, everyone is happier.

Sonotready, how wonderful that your BIL's neighbours are rallying round and even offering work! It's good that he's keen - he might even enjoy it. I hope that this is the start of a new life for him; with support etc. he could have a much more fulfilling one than he has had so far, I think.

I agree that you need some legal advice on how best to proceed - as your MIL may still be able to upset the applecart, although she may not want to, it's difficult to tell - she may be more than happy that you've taken it on and therefore it's off her shoulders.

Yes I'd take legal advice too.

This situation has come about because, essentially, you have a fairly irresponsible and seemingly not very switched on person caring for a vulnerable adult. I feel sorry for your MIL too, but she's behaved awfully, with no thought at all for either of her sons or her married son's family. She's caused complete havoc, because responsibility rested with her and she's not up to it.

If you want to make sure this never happens again, take this opportunity to get your BIL on the radar with SS.

OP, I have also been lurking on for a couple of days and I am that she had this all planned. And on your behalf.

Lets hope it is a new start for your BIL, and he gets the help he needs, the offer of a few days work sounds a good start.

You are AMAZING.

SS will have a group particularly for the care of vulnerable adults. That's who dh contacted when we discovered the state MIL was in. The can act very swiftly but still consult with the family strongly (wrong word but you know what I mean).

I think you need to talk to them, tell them he's been abandoned by his carer and that your dh can't stay there for more than another couple of days, that your child is there and needs to be back home, and that your dh will have to abandon BIL too. I know it sounds harsh and horrible, but it will galvanize them into action - at the least a home visit to begin the assessment process.

You need to get things moving with SS asap so the procedures arebstarted before your MIL returns. Then, you can (or your dh can) hastle them over the phone, particularly if your MIL returns and becomes obdurate about outside agencies' involvement.

You are both beingmfantastic under fire; how are the dcs?

i second what jux says - get ss involved right now and explain that he will have no carer in a day. they need time to get their ducks in a row too.

good luck.

Oh my goodness. You must be absolutely FURIOUS!! I can't imagine how I would feel.

So sorry for your DH and your BIL, as well as for you and your DCs. The tragedy is that this whole thing wouldn't have happened had your MIL got the help and support she and BIL needed and deserved from the beginning. Your poor BIL has been sorely let down by the one person who was supposed to protect him from the world.

I hope your DH finds the courage to stand up to his mother now. Whatever her motivations and feelings, her behaviour has been appalling and her situation, entirely of her own making.

Good luck with getting things sorted now.

OP, the whole situation is heartbreaking but it is still shocking that your MiL could have such a low regard for your situation. I'm especially shocked that she could be so cavalier about DH's job.

Can you call the friend back and tell him BiL left alone (even if not completely true)?

Hi guys. Thankyou so much for your posts. I'm with DH now collecting DC2, we're heading home very soon. Frustrating day. DH won't contemplate 'abandoning' BIL though he has told the people he's spoken to at SS that he IS leaving at the end of the week. Apparently the person he spoke to guilted him a bit which has really upset him.

His uncle wasn't very helpful either but did agree that if MIL vanishes for a long time without making provision for the mortgage it can be paid out of the trust if such a thing is possible. So far as we can tell she's planning to be back 'soon' though. Still nothing from her directly. Her friend is being quite mean to DH too (lots of guilt), which on top of everything is the last thing he needs.

DCs seem fine, thankyou for asking. DC1 loves school, the little freak, and DH has taken work trips abroad -DC1 is missing DC2 more I think! DC2 seems to have had a lovely week but it's nice to have them back with me DH really needs to get some work done.

DH is holding together amazingly, he has been through so much the poor darling. He's still making excuses for MIL and 'trying to see it from her point of view' which is laudable but distracts him from where (I think), he should be focusing his efforts.

BIL seems fine and is looking forward to going out to the fences tomorrow.

You know although this is a nightmare at the moment - I think its going to work out to be the best thing your mil could have done. At least you should hopefully be able to get your bil in 'the system' and actually enable him to live a better life.

I wonder if this is secretly what mil wanted to happen but she just couldn't do it herself [being kind]

Good luck with it all.

I second MrsCampbellBlack

It will be almost impossible for him to criticise his mum, he loves her, and she has given up so much to look after her DS, your DH's DB (whether the way she was doing it was wrong is almost irrelevant).

Best to leave her out of it and focus on what you want to have happen to your BIL. Hopefully she will be gone long enough for you to get things in place.

I know you don't want confrontation, but how would it be if you rang the friend? Could you say you were concerned about your DH's job and your young family and that any guilt-tripping is extremely unwelcome in this delicate situation. Could you say that any guilt-tripping may mean that you'll have to start withdrawing contact because you don't feel that your family should have to deal with that on top of DH's job concerns?

The friend is WAY out of order IMO. Doesn't she know about being employed?!

Wow, how stressful!

Be strong, I hope it work out for you.

Yanbu. It's taken me hours to read this thread. You must be livid!

Are you home yet?
Amazed at your strength and how much you have achieved

Hope that MIL has turned up x

Sadly, I think Maryz is probably right.

If it makes it any clearer, my mum was 'guilted' by the hospital into taking my elderly grandma home from hospital and caring for her after a severe angina attack and a stent.

My mum had been discharged from hospital the week before following a hip replacement and did actually refuse because she couldn't physically have done it. But still not nice!

My tale is just an aside, but it's the fear of this type of guilt that has probably put your MIL off seeking help all these years.

You and your DH sound like amazing, compassionate people. Your DH is probably running on adrenaline at the moment. I'd be prepared for a massive come down when he's finally able to stop.

God.. she had this whole trip planned all along didn't she, which is why she asked you to take him in the first place. A little honesty is what was needed in all aspects of this situation!

I do think you're doing the right thing in stepping in to manage his long term care with the help of social services you know. Good luck.